Think about some of your favorite movies you have seen. What is the one thing that really stands out. For someone like me it’s the soundtrack. The best movies have that one song that just sticks with you. Why else would there be an academy award just for best song? Because music helps to define us, it touches a soul and it sticks with us. Even when it becomes a joke, think Titanic, and you immediately know the song. Right? If you don’t then well think of any kids movie and you know.
I have been around music all my life. My father was a musician, My husband was a musician as well. I spent most of my life in a bar somewhere listening to all kinds of music. So when my husband passed it was as if it was all gone. The world turned to silence. It is the poetic beauty that my daughters brought music back into my life. So there I sit in a funeral home making “final plans” for my husband. It felt so unreal, I was asked about pictures of him with a slide show. No I heard myself say. Nothing sad, I don’t want hymns sung, or sad songs about him not being here anymore played. His was a life full of laughter and joy, and to send him off with a bunch of songs to make people cry was offensive. It was not who he was nor would it be something he wanted. My middle daughter put together the playlist and I trusted her. It was decided that we would ask those attending to wear their favorite band shirt. He was in many many bands. It was amazing to see what showed up. Some even had shirts made. There were shirts from the band that he played in when we got married. Those are some rare shirts.
I of course wore his favorite band shirt. Van Halen, over a long black dress. I looked awful, but I was also strong. His funeral contained at least three hundred people. All seated and standing in the venue we were able to get due to the sheer number of guests. Our family is large and they show up when it comes to this, and there I was looking awful but leading them into the venue with my head held high to a song believe it or not was a song he played in a band when we first met. “Man In The Box”. My daughter had no idea how her father used to play and sing that song. It made me smile. It is a song so not appropriate for a funeral, but for his it was perfect. It made me actually smile. Because I knew it was right.
Music has been a huge part of my life even after his passing. I did find that I could no longer listen to country, too many songs about being gone too soon. So I listened to my favorite 80’s hair bands, but then again Ed was just as big as a fan as I was and when songs came on memories flooded back and I once again had to find something else. My daughters then introduced me to groups like Panic at the Disco, and Fall Out Boy, then friends introduced me to people like Lizzo, and Pink. Then add red dirt music in there and my world grew even larger.
I collected songs about falling in love, about what to do when loved ended and I really connected to songs about women finding their power and not letting a man get the best of them. My man didn’t get the best of me, I wasn’t getting over a breakup, or being cheated on. But these songs still hit me at my core. My favorite song to discover was a song about a woman who had to start over when she “Ain’t that Old, but not quite young” and if she was going to hurt someone the singer hoped it was him. I liked it, I can’t say why, I just did. It was beautiful that he was going to put his heart on the line even though he knew it was going to be broken. For me that was where I was in life. I loved being a wife, belonging to someone, taking care of someone. I felt like I lost who I was when I lost that. My wonderful son reminded me of something very profound. I was still that even though dad was in heaven. I was still his wife and I still had to take care of him.
Months later my tastes in music has evolved to many things but I still listen to the songs that got me through those first few months of grief. I have bonded with those songs. I am able to listen to country again but because of my daughters I don’t unless I have to. For those of you who have lost someone, cling to music, find what helps cure your soul. Maybe it’s Christian songs, or 80’s Love Ballads, or even old soul music from great artists like Etta James, she is one of my favorites. Find that song that makes you smile, feel strong, and just for a few minutes helps you find yourself again. Or maybe you are choosing to be a little more like me and while you were happy with who you were, you are slowly learning you were not really who you wanted to be.
Many people came up to me and asked how it felt to have a clean slate facing in front of you. Overwhelming was the only word I could think of. Some even felt I was lucky to get the chance to start over, to start new. There were times when my over active imagination just slapped the shit out of those people. I also realize that they are just trying to help and there is a silver lining here, there are just some days you really don’t want to see it. I’ve told countless women that being forced into the single life all the sudden was totally not a grass is greener on the other side kind of deal. From where I was standing them being in a marriage with the person they loved rather they did now or not was where I wanted to be. Not standing out here all alone praying another good one would come along. I mean come on, who wants to be forty years old and single? Okay some of you do, but not me. I married at 18, I don’t know how to date, how to build a relationship. Hell I have four kids! You say that to a man and surely he would bolt while you were in the restroom! None the less I do not want to be alone. So I started dating just a few months after he passed. We made the deal a few years ago, if something should happen to either one of us we were to find happiness again. Find someone who would love us, love our kids, live a full life. There are a bunch of crazy guys out there and at first it was not fun. But just to let you know in advance, lighting does strike twice, you just have to be patient for it. God had a plan and I knew it, I tried to rush the plan, but that got me nowhere. I had a lot of growing before I could leave the trench, the good thing is, once you accept that you are without a doubt in a trench and you are okay with where you were, it’s only then when you can start to truly climb out.
So choose your soundtrack and then sit and listen until you’re okay with just sitting in the trench. Wait as long as you need to, for that is where your raw grief is. Where you sit and sob. There are days when you think it’s time to climb out, it’s okay if you get halfway and decided that it’s just not time. For me that day came early, and I knew who I wanted to be. I didn’t want to be that widow who was still grieving years later. Who waited years to be happy again. I am a better mother, friend, and yes girlfriend (that amazing story comes later in the journey), because I knew who I wanted to be. It’s okay if you don’t know it at first. Take your time, just don’t forget that you are an amazing person and everyone can have the happy ever after as long as you stay true to who you are and work on who you want to be. Maybe your happy ever after is alone, if that is what you choose. Just remember it’s your choice, not anyone else’s. Yours and yours alone.
So find your song, select your soundtrack, explore new worlds, and prepare for the journey. It’s feels like a long one but trust me, it really isn’t in the grand scheme of things.
The Journey of a Lioness 