Step Two…..finally

The fog of being a widow slowly envelops you, most of the time while you are denying that it is happening. It did for me. I still got up and went to work returning just a week after Ed’s death. I just needed to feel normal do normal things. But in the end I realized that I got nothing accomplished and it took me months to catch up. I was easily distracted by all kinds of things and that is where drowning finally came in. I spent nights sitting on piles of laundry or in my shower sobbing so that the kids couldn’t hear. I would wake up in the middle of the night crying because my bed was empty, I now sleep with a ton of pillows to help that. I needed something more. So I began running. Serious running, like three miles a day four days a week. Suddenly something began to happen, the fog began to thin out. It didn’t completely go away but it did thin. And so did I, losing thirty pounds in just a few short months. Many people were asking what diet I was on and I told them one I hope they don’t have to do for a very long time. Many just looked shocked but it was the truth. I didn’t eat a lot, and I ran a lot. Wa-la lose weight. I do not recommend that to anyone. I was sick. It took a very long time for me to admit that. Like today, kind of long. If you’ve lost a spouse you may know the feeling. Of always feeling half sick, of taking a few bites of food and thinking who even wants to eat? I didn’t if you are new to the widow club, please know that does finally go away, it just takes time.

Slowly you eat a meal and you’re able to actually eat more than a little. There are days where the feeling comes back. Sometimes those days make sense, like holidays, birthdays, special days, others they just hit out of the blue. It doesn’t just hit you it also hits your family, so if you have kids, keep an eye on them, they are suffering the loss as well. That is why our trip to Colorado was so important. It got us out of the loss for a while. We went to visit Manitou Springs and the Cave of the Winds. A beautiful walk through cavern system. We didn’t have to wait long to go on a tour and as a family it was exciting. It was our second adventure of the trip, going into the cave system was a little intimidating but in we went. We were greeted with a photo op of course, and of course we are getting that dang picture. We laughed and had fun with the tour guide who was great and watching my kids explore new things filled me with joy. I kept thinking of how once again we were only there because he was gone, but we were there. It was breathtaking the view from the top of the cave system.

There was one thing on the tour that worried me a bit. I have a daughter that is Autistic and one part of the tour they shut out all the lights. We discussed this before going and we assured her that we would all be standing together and holding each others hands and that the lights would not be off for very long. When we reached the part of the cave where this was done. We gathered together and grabbed hands. The lights were shut off and you could see nothing. It was one of those things where you knew your eyes were opened but there was just nothing but blackness. We stood and listened to our tour guide tell us that if you were trapped in a cave system without light for over 24 hours, you could go blind. Funny how when things go dark people get quiet. The weight of the world seems to settle on you. Funny how this darkness was much like death. It settled on us, it weighed us down and we were fighting to get out of the darkness before we became blind. That had been our fight, and standing there holding hands slowly I realized that no matter how hard I tried the fog of widow brain had enfolded me and there was just no stopping it. Yet now that I had seen the dark, I could now find my way towards the light. After about five minutes of darkness they suddenly flip the lights back on and we could see each other again. We smiled at each other, another big step for us. And walking back out of the cave system was like taking my first steps of getting out of the fog.

We came out of the cave an found ourselves facing a huge thunderstorm with hail and winds and talk about a little nerve wracking trying to get back to our hotel and dinner while a huge storm was on our heels. We did that too, calmly and steady. Once again thinking back on it, that was exactly what getting out of the widow fog was. It was a fight, it was more than just realizing that I was in the fog, it was the battle to get out. When you lose someone young, there will be people who will step in and take care of you. At first you are glad they are there and then suddenly you become reliant on them. Be so careful here, because one day you will be on your journey to being yourself again and suddenly you no longer need that. That person will take it hard, they will be hurt by your revelation that you can do life on your own. That your decisions will be yours and even though they want what is best for you, they just can’t possibly know it all. No one can, the decisions are yours to make, if they are mistakes then they are yours to make. Just make sure that you tell them kindly that they are still loved, and needed, just not needed the way they believe they are. Trust me if you are in this situation this makes sense. If you are not in this situation, you may be the one who needs to let go and let someone live.

We are not weak those of us whom have suffered great loss. We are strong that is why we were chosen to bear this burden. We are a strong family that walked into darkness and back out again, stronger. The Cave of the Winds taught us that you can walk out of darkness and into light and see things so much clearer than most. It is possible to see again as long as you do not stay in that spot too long. Step two was finally completed.

-Dee