Since Ed has passed I have had trouble keeping my focus on anything. Work, home, friends. It all is up in the air and I am the ill equipped juggler trying desperately to keep everything exactly where it needs to be. So far I have dropped quite a few things and the plates and glasses are shattered on the floor at my feet. Yet I wonder if those things were not meant to be dropped in the first place. All so I can work on the grief. I hope one day my blog will no longer be about dealing with this. I know that I will never get over Ed. I just want to stop hurting so much. I tried to skip this part. The part where you just hurt, where you are just sad. Yet no matter how hard I try, the truth is, I am sad, and yes even a little depressed. I don’t want to be. I have tried this whole time to not be the “oh look there is the sad widow.” Nevertheless, I am that. The sad widow. The one who misses her husband desperately and just doesn’t quite know who she is without him.
There are a million books on the grief process, and well there should be right? I mean there are millions of people dealing with grief every day. Everyday even though we don’t want to believe it, someone loses a child, a spouse, a parent, a grandparent. Somewhere someone is losing someone. It is a hurt that is always with us. Sure we have years that it doesn’t directly affect us, but it eventually catches up with us. It is part of life, the part that teaches us not to take our loved ones for granted. The part that sharply reminds us that we were not made to live on this earth forever and making every day count is something real. Right now I am facing a storm. The cold bitter winds blow from all directions and causes my heart to almost freeze. To protect itself from the anguish that it is currently feeling. There are no answers for this, no road map with the destination marked. It is just a long narrow path that must be taken no matter how much I try to not be affected by it, but I am.
I keep telling myself that this will pass, like the virus. I just need to be strong, but being strong is starting to wear on me and I am fighting the urge to just crawl into my bed and not get out for a month. Yet I know that my kids can’t see that, it is not what I want to teach them. So I pick myself up and I keep going, it is the only way. To face the storm, to let it know that I may have a weak moment, but I am not out of this fight. I will win this battle, and I will get up every single day and I will find the ability to love again one day. It won’t be today nor will it be tomorrow. But I will wake up one day and be the woman I have chosen to be. I must believe that somewhere good will come from this bad. I believe that, I must, for that is where my hope lies.
Dee
The Journey of a Lioness 
Oh Dee, I’m sending you such a big hug. Whilst the pain every second knocks you over like giant waves, there will be a time when you suddenly realise that the waves weren’t quite so big for a moment. Then another will come and knock you for six just as a reminder, but then they’ll calm again. Slowly, slowly the seas will calm for you. Katie x
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Katie,
Thank you for your kind words. Like you said the waves are just really rough right now. It could be that the one year anniversary of his death is just a little over a month away. It is like a fog that starts to roll in and soon that dark day will be upon us. I plan on taking that day off and not seeing anyone besides my kids that day. Just knowing it is coming I am sure is the reason for the way I have been feeling lately. Yet like you said, slowly the seas will calm and I will be able to breathe again.
Dee
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Sending you much love Dee. 💕💕
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I love how you end with an optimism to rise beyond everything, to emerge from that place of sorrow and be that strong woman, who I know you already are! To embrace grief and accept is also a measure of the immense strength that you possess Dee. Certainly there is no predefined step to face and overcome grief, no set of rules that can end grief. We all follow our individual ways and methods of emerging, of accepting of learning. I am sure there will be better and happier days. Love and wishes from across the oceans 🙂
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Thank you, it is a daily struggle, but I am finding my way through it. One step at a time, and I have learned that it is okay to have to go back and rewalk some steps until I get them down. I will get through this and become this incredible person. I trust God enough to know that he is seeing me through this and what and who I am meant to be is on the other side. It is the encouragement from you and my other readers that reminds me I am not alone, and the new normal will one day just feel normal.
Dee
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Absolutely, one day at a time 🙂
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