When the Time is Right, You Will Know It………….

This has been a very rough week for me. I am learning a lot about myself and not all of the things I have learned I have liked. Yet the good thing about that is that now is the time to change those things. Listing those things is not my intention on here it is the results of those things that I want to talk about. When Ed passed some people talked about how I was handed almost a clean slate I could do what ever I wanted now. At first I was like how dare them? I was doing what I wanted to do with him. But reality is they were right. I can now write a new book, not a better book but a different one. And as I looked at my character in this book there were things about her that I saw and thought wow, I want my character to be stronger than that. To want more than that, to be the person she knew she was the whole time. Nothing is more freeing than realizing that yes, it is a new book, and I can create the story the way I want it to go. Not the way someone else chooses.

Let’s just say I know what I am looking for, but reality is I don’t want to look for it. I want it to happen in God’s time. I can’t say that I trust him then try to do things for him. I have always been a dive in head first kind of girl. And in most instances that is okay, but it is not always. Somethings are worth waiting for, and I have learned that loneliness is a dangerous place to be in. No one wants to feel alone. Yet learning how to be alone is a must, not just learning how to be alone but be happy while you are alone. That is what I must learn how to be. I was that at one time in the other book. I wasn’t really alone, but spent a lot of time alone. I was good with that, what happens when your spouse dies, you suddenly miss being loved.

News flash, what I have learned is that I am loved. What I need to do is learn to love myself. I have been told that I am easy to love, I am a smart, funny, beautiful person, that people want to be around. So why is loving myself so hard? We are our biggest critic. And like someone keeps telling me, I am way too hard on myself. Yet the thing is if I am to become who I want to be I must love myself enough to change the things I don’t like and value the things that I do. Loving someone else is easy if you so chose. I fall in love easily and hate it when love doesn’t work out. I hate to think that I caused someone pain, but the truth of the matter is, we must follow our hearts, we must listen to that sill voice inside our soul that just says something is not right, and no matter how much hurt there is now, it is nothing compared to the hurt that there would be should you ignore that still voice.

God is a giving God, if you ask it of him he will give it to you. If you plead for love, even though it is not the right time, he will place someone in your life to love. It maybe someone that you love and things work out for years, and you are happy and think nothing could be better. But it is not what God chose for you, so while you think it couldn’t get any better, God knows that it could have been. You just were not patient enough to wait for it. Let me tell you how I know this.

Ed and I crossed each others path many times before we became a couple. He remembered the first time we met. It was at a mutual friends house. I remember the night, I do not remember him. He said just one look, and he just knew. A year later our paths crossed again. He did not remember this time but I do. I played piano for him at my high school. We were alone on the stage with a huge grand piano that was being used for a concert and I was there playing a piece that I had wrote. He asked me to play a Richard Marks song and I played the only one I knew. “Right Here Waiting For You.” How odd that it was that song? I fell for him then. Yet it was still a year later before we really even started to hang out together and get to know each other. When we did, we both just knew. It was our time. If God can do that once, he can do it again. I want it to be like that. Where maybe that person comes in and out of my life like little introductions to see if we are ready. Then one day you just know you are. Real love is worth that. In the mean time, I must learn to love myself and be happy truly on my own.

Yes I am a hopeless romantic, but what is life without romance? It is the hope of that romance that gets me out of bed every day. Maybe today is the day, we meet for the first time. Or maybe it is someone I have know for a long time that comes back into my life. Or maybe it is someone that I have recently met, and just haven’t had my turn to see it yet. All I know is that I know what love feels like, and I am not going to cheat or wish my way out of the love of a lifetime. So I must love myself first so that I am fully ready to love like that again.

Dee