I have been dealing with my grief for almost a year now. I have talked about the ups the downs the struggles. And believe it or not the joys that have come my way. I have experienced more than just the loss of my spouse, I have lost friends, and love and pieces of myself during these past 11 months. It’s as if my heart was shattered into a million pieces and I have spent these past months desperately trying to get it all put together again. There have been times when I think I’ve almost got it only to let go and watch it all fall apart again. Crying as the tedious task of starting over begins again and again. Leaving me to wonder if things will always just be this broken.
I have studied the five steps in grief, and while I know I have been through most of them, it is the last two that I am facing right now. Depression and acceptance. Depression and I have fought for a while now, it is in and out and I expect that it will for a while. I fight this every day, and each day that I win is a day closer to acceptance. Yet I know that I have accepted that this terrible thing has happened to me. I also know that I am not the only one going through this. I am not alone. Yet I feel alone and there is the battle with the depression again. I don’t want to be depressed. It is the one step that I fight the hardest. I don’t want to be depressed. I want to be myself, that woman who is full of joy and laughter. It’s like she has stepped out of the room and I’m standing there waiting for her to come back.
I know this is because of we are close to the anniversary of his death. It is like knowing a terrible wreck is going to happen and not being able to stop it. You stand and scream in silence as it happens and there is nothing you can do to stop it as you watch it happen in slow motion. And the pain of each cut from glass that nicks every part of your soul. That is what it feels like. Yet this determined woman shows up out of nowhere. I don’t know who she is. She is amazing, she stands there in the wreck of the mess and stares down the danger. She sees a daily struggle or a problem and takes action. She isn’t bothered by the challenge she just takes the lead and gets things done.
I like this woman, I admire her, she is brave. Then one day something happened, I looked into a mirror and found her staring back at me. Even with the cuts and bruises and smeared blood all over her, the biggest wound where her heart is, she is still beautiful. And I realized she is me, she is made up of hundreds of women who have come before her, and the hope of all the ones that will come after. There is something special about her you don’t know what it is, all you know is that you want to be just a small part of what she is. That is how I will make it through this month, through this difficult time and I will finally reach the top of that last step. It is a steep one but I have seen her, there is nothing she can’t do.
Dee
The Journey of a Lioness 
i feel you.. I am recovering from depression and the journey is not easy.. just cry when you need to, shout when you want, be alone if you need to… but don’t forget who you were.. you are a strong woman, full of life and joy. Run, dance, jumps… do whatever pleases you. Cook, eat chips and chocolates.. be with your friends and family. I know sometimes you just want to be alone, and that is okay. Take care of your healing heart. Take care of your body, go in a nail salon, open a bottle of wine, get that facial, change your hair color. Be wild but dont forget who you are. Healing can take time… healing is a journey.. a very long journey, take it as an adventure and you will see, you are stronger as the days pass.
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Thank you for reading my blog. You are right sometimes you just need to take care of yourself and I will be stronger with every day. I appreciate your kind words.
Dee
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Nice blog
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