The Mantel of Death……..

My counselor and I have talked in length about healing. Everywhere I have gone people talk to me about healing. Hearing about a million times, “you just need time to heal.” People say that but if you asked them what does that look like or how do you do that? They stare at you because they just don’t know. They are only saying what they think is best, and they are trying to make you feel better. Listen up people, saying things like “Time will help you heal.” and “Well you never really get over it, you just need to heal.” I’m telling you it sounds stupid to someone like me. The truth is there is no amount of time that you can measure that gets you to a better place. This, this is what really happens…………

The moment that Ed was pronounced dead, his energy or spirit, left his body and was sent out into the universe. Where it did what it was supposed to it found his family and he settled down with us. It is the weight of grief. We talk about the burden of grief of loss, that is the only way most people are able to describe it, people who have yet to experience it in all of its fullness. God helps with that, he spares us most of that grief, in a way. I was not too close to my grandparents when they passed. Yes I was sad and I miss them and their stories and their warmth, but for me it was pretty easy to wake up and continue with my life. I am sure it was not easy for my father and my mother they loved their parents dearly. I have lost uncles and aunts, each leaving a memory and a sense of loss. But nothing I am sure compared to what their children or spouse feel.

What I am talking about is something that happened to me and it was only when I meditated and calmed myself from the crazy of the world that I was able to focus on what was going on in the space around me. As you all know I was so frustrated with people who said that they would always be here for my kids and I and then they just vanished, not to be seen or heard from again. I couldn’t ever figure out why this is such a common thing that happens when a loved one dies. What I have learned is this. My children and I talk about feeling their father with us all the time. Little things that happen and we just know it is him taking care of us. We laugh about it, we have cried about it, and in the end we are comforted by it. Yes we miss him, but this whole time we have carried his energy with us. It is heavy, and when people come around us they feel him too. Strongly, they tend to get emotional, they tend to feel that hurt and that loss even more. But it isn’t the loss or the hurt they are feeling, they feel him. And that’s what brings up the feelings of loss and hurt. You see? WE as his family keep him alive and with us, because we talk about him, we talk to him, and we still sit in the comfort of knowing he is with us. Others forget that feeling of him, it is only when we are near that they are once again touched by his love.

This is what healing is, not getting use to the loss of someone, but getting use to the weight of their energy. It is intense, it is heavy, and it is a burden. Yet as time passes we become use to that weight, much like training, we become strong enough to carry that weight. Some choose to carry it like a champion, they take it on and do whatever they can to make that burden not seem so heavy. We stand back and watch those people, they are whom we call strong. They get up they go to work they do the things they are meant to and we stand back in amazement and pray that one day we handle death as well as they do. Then there are others who we watch crumble and we worry about them because the weight seems to just push them into the ground. They spend hours in bed or locked up in their homes just trying to deal with the knowledge that the other is gone. While many women have told me that they would be the later of the two, I think that there is no way to know which one you would ever be until the day comes that you must put on the mantle of someone’s energy. I also know that there are days when you are both types of people. That is why I have always called healing messy.

I want to give you a clearer picture of what that looks like.

There are all types of warriors. WE are warriors, you just don’t see yourself as one, but you are. When we think of warriors we think about how they train. They do for hours and months and years. In my mind I really think of knights, not only did they have to be good welding weapons, they had to be in peak physical condition in order to wear their armor. Even to this day our military go through the toughest training so that they can be mentally and physically prepared to fight. It takes a while but in the end, a warrior is fully ready to take on their armor and they are mentally ready to deal with any threat.

Yet training isn’t always easy, they end up with cuts and bruises, sometimes even breaking bones, putting their bodies through hell. So that it can perform the way it needs to. Athletes do the same thing, they tear up their bodies in order to have the strength they need in order to perform the way they need to. This is the same thing that happens when you take on the energy of a loved one. It beats us down at first, and there is no training that can be done to prepare for this. Even if you know it is coming there is just no way to be ready. It completely consumes you and at first the only thing you are able to do is breathe. In my experience that was all I was able to do, and I had to make myself do it. Others got me into a doctor quickly because breathing was hard, and yes I had to have medication to help with that, though I didn’t need it long. As the days passed I got use to the weight of Ed as the weeks and months passed I slowly got stronger. I believe that my running helped with the mental aspect of it all. Not because I was alone and could think, actually it was quite the opposite. It was because I could shut my mind off and find peace. The place where breathing was the easiest. Now a year later I am almost back to normal. Well as normal as I can be, and the good thing is I am stronger. I am a warrior and I will find my way back to me and I will carry the energy of the man that I loved with beautiful grace because that is what he deserves. It is the only way to honor him. Ask me about him, I will tell you all about him, and for a while you will feel his love too. For he will always be with me, and his children. We are strong we are brave, we are warriors.

Dee