Independence…..In Dependence

Just a few days ago I had an interesting conversation with a group of ladies. One spoke about how women now days need to be able to stand up on their own, be able to take care of themselves with out the help of a man. Now this makes sense in the world today. I all to well understand what she means. I mean once my husband started working for the railroad there was a million things I had to learn how to do alone. I raised kids alone, fixed broken sinks, cars, and take care of a large yard. All alone. So listening to her talk about how we need to become independent women not dependent ones made sense to me.

Yet I have done nothing but analyze this since that day, and something just doesn’t feel right. So I started thinking about my marriage. Was I dependent on my husband. What is considered dependent? Well when we file taxes we mark our spouse and our children as our dependents. What does that entail? Well that means that we provide food, warmth, water, and a safe place to stay for those that depend on us. So was I completely dependent on my husband for everything I had? No. Was life easier because of him and his job? Yes. Yet because of his job I had to become independent. I had to raise children alone, take care of a home alone, fix cars, and sinks and other things that women all around me had help in doing. Was I dependent on him fully? No. Now I was only eighteen when I got married, so to say that I was dependent on him for most things at that time is a fair statement. Yet as the years passed I had to become independent to step in and do the things that he was not able to do because of the choice that was made.

I was a married independent woman. Kind of an oxymoron right? When we think of independence we think of someone who is completely alone. Not having to count on anyone else for anything. We see those people and think wow they are amazing! They do whatever they want when they want to, they are free! But are they? They still have responsibilities and stress and worries and sadness, and they have no one to share those burdens with. We think of them as strong. Have you really talked to someone that has done that? That has chosen a life alone? I have, surprisingly I have spoken to men about this. I know quite a few who chose a life alone over life with someone. I have also spoken with women who have also chosen that path. Some were forced on that path because of divorce, others chose that from the beginning, all say there are times when it is not easy, and they long to have a family. To have someone to walk next to them when times are hard or when something sad happens someone to just hold them through that.

You see no matter what side of the fence you are on there will always be times when things are hard. I know people who have been married for years and feel like they are very much alone. They have drifted apart from their spouse and they wonder if they are in love anymore. I cannot imagine that at all, yet I have seen it. I am left speechless at those relationships because they are not really relationships anymore are they? If they were then talking should have happened long ago. For me talking is everything, I guess that is why if I met someone that couldn’t talk and I mean really talk then I couldn’t see a future with them. Maybe that is all in knowing who you are at your core. Maybe they tried to talk and their spouse just refused to. I have no idea, I have never been in that position so I can’t really say.

Yet what I can say is this, I do not see myself as weak because I am in a relationship. I also do not look at a man and think he is alone he must have something wrong with him. It is not right. Do I look at a woman who isn’t married and think she is lucky or she is strong? I see plenty of single mothers out there and I know how hard it is. I have done it. We all look at those women and we think wow, yet I also know single dads and I look at them and think wow. So why don’t we look at people who are married for even ten years and think wow? Do we see them as weak because they choose to do life with someone next to them? We all know how hard a marriage is or any relationship for that matter. Shouldn’t we look at that and think wow, that is hard, they must work really hard at life. Does being with someone make life easier? I know that my life was a good one and yes it felt easy to be with my husband. Yet there were still hard times, there were times when I felt scared, and very much alone. Yet I chose to work through that. Did that mean that I was dependent on my husband to help me through those times. Yes, just like I am sure he depended on me to be there for him during those time too. Were we always successful at it? No. But that didn’t stop us from trying to do it better the next time.

I want to have someone to do life with, it doesn’t make me weak, it just means I know who I am. It means that I know the direction that I want my life to take and I know that I am a happier person with someone next to me. It doesn’t mean that I am dependent on someone, it means that I know how to be someone another person can depend on, that is a good feeling. I want to be that person. I am happy being that person. Just because you are alone doesn’t mean you are not that person, it just means that is where you are in your flow of life, and if you truly want to be with someone, then somewhere along the way, you will find the person you want to have next to you.

I guess in the end I want to be both, I want to be independent and in dependence. Because that means that I have the ability to look for wisdom and know that wisdom can be learned from other people and from the relationships that I have with them.