Days Come and Go….

Grief haunts me. It at times can be vicious and others it is this sweet memory of life’s perfect little moments. Yet as time goes by and the pain no longer is a stabbing wound life feels real again.

Don’t get me wrong, life always feels real. But after the loss of Ed there have been many times in this chapter that have felt like fiction. Usually when something good happens. I have had more than one moment with Mat where life feels like a wonderful movie and I keep waiting for the director to jump out and yell “Cut! That’s a wrap!” And I learn that it’s all a dream and when I wake up it will be just a few days after Ed has passed and I’m facing the funeral all over again. Weird I know but that feeling has come across my mind a few times.

There have been times when I have been so tworn in two. I love Ed so much and my kids deserve their father. If this were truly a dream and I could wake up and have him home again I would. Things would be back to normal. And I would tell him everything. He would laugh and cry with me. Then he would wrap me up in his arms and say it was just a dream. And we would live out the life we had planned.

Yet on this side, in this dream I have become the woman I have always wanted to be. Out spoken, out going, and opened to love. I no longer hide in a shell but welcome a warm hello. Then there is Mat. The man I dreamed about in my youth. The man who is so amazing. He helps with chores, the kids, the crazy schemes that I come up with. He is my best friend. Is he perfect nope but neither am I. Yet he pushes me to be. Not because I’m an awful person but because I can always be a better one.

The days for me ebb and flow just like that. The great sadness in the loss of Ed. Of knowing this is not a dream I can just wake up from. My kids have lost the greatest treasure they had. Their father. I wish I could have saved them from this pain. Yet I see them here and now and they are amazing kids. They didn’t let life beat them down. They fight back and they stand up and they say today I live for dad.

That is where my days become this true blessing of happiness. It just takes one smile one “good morning mom!” That reminds me rather we are in the dream world or in the real one, life still has happiness in it we just have to chose to fight to find it.

I pray as the holiday seasons creep up on us that you learn to see the good in the bad. That you fight to find love. That has the most value to me in both worlds. Having love. Because I did and I do.

Dee