I named my blog that a long time ago. I wanted to be the woman who traveled all over and did amazing things. Yet that was not the path God saw fit for me. Instead the journey has been on a path that I am not an expert on. Funny how God takes the most inexperienced and creates a being that is beautiful and understanding that, while they are the most ill equipped they are in fact the right person for the job. Because they believe God is with them. It is that belief that pushes me forward. Not in fear but in humble respect. And with every trench, with every wave, and with every mountain, the fear subsides and you become you. Death was the path the mission was finding Life.
We all struggle sometimes. We get in a routine we find ourselves day in and day out doing the exact same thing and the next thing we know a year has flown then two. Soon it will be three years gone and there are some days that feels impossible and others that feel as if it was forever ago.
Yesterday was a hard day for me. The day Ed passed played over and over again in my head. In full detail. I can remember those first few hours as sharply as if it were yesterday. I told no one. I went home and put on a smile and then took a long hot shower. Soaking in the love and warmth of my kids and Mat. Telling myself that I am still here, I am breathing and moving and I have a purpose and I need to be focusing on it. I am not perfect. I am far from an expert at dealing with grief. But I’m starting to wonder where the damn finish line is. When will days like these stop waving over me? The good news is that for the first time yesterday I didn’t let it just break me. I pushed back, I thought of all the good times Ed and I had and then I basked in all the great ones Mat and I have built since. A reminder that Ed wants his family to be happy to continue Living. It really hit me then that I have not been chasing my dreams. I’ve been going to work and coming home exhausted with a to do list a million miles long. I blame it on the holidays. The truth is I have not been running and my energy level has crashed. So it is time to get back to it. Even though I know the work it will take, I know the payoff. So it is time to do what I love. Finish my second book and start on the third.
Chasing dreams is what makes me feel alive. I have the time and the desire and the only thing stopping me is well me. Sometimes you just have to get out of your own way. This may not be the best way to deal with grief but today it is how I am doing it.
As always I want to know what do you do? What is your HEALTHY way of dealing with grief? The only way to deal with death better is by actually Dealing with it!!! Your one tip could help someone in a big way. Be brave step up and let’s talk!!
Dee
The Journey of a Lioness 