The past six months have been hard. The five year anniversary of my husband’s passing and the one year passing of his mom have really just kicked me in the butt this year. Then there is the split between my finance and me. Just another thing in life that didn’t work out. I am left with wondering just exactly what I am left with. I listen to this amazing podcast that has helped but honestly my mindset is just gross here lately. In that podcast it was suggested to look for hearts. Naturally occurring hearts. I couldn’t even bring myself to do that. I feel like such a robot. Go to work, go home and then go to bed. The time I spend outside does help but inside my own head, it is not a great place to be. I blame myself for the failure of the relationship. Though I know it is not true. I know that I did nothing wrong except ask for him to get clean.
I understand now why he didn’t even want a relationship. He indeed was a mess and he knew it would hurt us both in the end. I wanted to believe that if I just showed him enough love and give him everything he wanted, it would be enough. Addiction does not work that way. It truly is a beast and maybe because I have already had to fight one battle, I just don’t have the strength to fight another. So I let him down. I made him move out and while I show support, I don’t know that it is the kind of support he needs. The sad thing is I need him more than he needs me, and as a woman I don’t want to need anyone. Just like I know the failure of the relationship isn’t just my fault, I also know that I really do not need anyone. I have raised a family alone, I have taken care of a home, of cars and bills and myself for years. I think that statement though is the clue to how I am feeling right now. I am tired of being and doing alone.
My amazing family continues to remind me that I am in fact alone. But there is a difference between being with someone because you want to verses because you have to. I don’t want pity from people, I just want a friend. Someone who calls and checks on me, or who texts me just to make sure I am okay. Of course I would always reply “I’m great!” Hello, independent woman here! I am just in a very weird place. I often have thought that maybe I’m just as big of a mess that my ex is. I go to therapy, and yet I have no idea if I am improving or if I am just in a constant state of avoiding the real topics. The real hurt, and the constant feeling of never being good enough for anyone. Sure the podcasts say do this or do that and you will feel better. All I know is I have to do something, because I no longer want to be in this headspace. I want to feel good about myself. I see the mirror, I see the old age, the tired and stress that wears on me. I see someone who is filled with sorrow and wonders why no one else sees it. Why isn’t anyone saying, I’m sorry you are hurting.
Of course I know why because of that damn independent woman. Who doesn’t want to ask for help, because she doesn’t believe anyone actually wants to help. Are there people out there who see this? Where are the Christians? I thought they were to take care of the widows? Let me tell you what, they don’t. They don’t even call or stop by. They cross the street and turn their heads. This is my biggest sorrow, because believe it or not, I do the exact same thing. And maybe that is where my answer lies. I have often thought about starting a grief group for women. But I don’t even know where to start. I would also love to do a podcast on grief. A real one, not one that where people continue to sit in sorrow but learn how to climb out of the trench and move forward. One where we learn how to deal with being alone after years of not being alone. This is no easy feat my dears. But there has to be some help somewhere right?
-Dee
The Journey of a Lioness 