A New Mindset……

The past few weeks something in me has changed. I have found happiness again. It is hard to maintain. Mostly because of my attachment style. The Anxious Abandonment is what I am. Kind of a hyper-breed of two different ones. Someone who has Anxious Abandonment attachment style is a person who constantly feels the need to please everyone. They let others give them value, and will do anything to stop someone they love from leaving. I had to find a way to defeat that attachment style. There is no curing it, but there is the capability of controlling my reactions to people and being mindful of when I get triggered. Taking your thoughts captive is key. Stopping the negative narrative from having its free reign.

The Actions to Heal

Yet this year of being single has had a huge payoff here lately. Yes I get lonely, but I have learned that there are way to beat the lonely back. It can be as simple as when those times hit to be active and do what I love. Write, paint, go out and do some photography. Let the creative person out and she will show you how to work through the lonely. Because the next day is always a new day. And a good day to just start over. It can also be as simple as calling a friend or doing something with the kids.

What isn’t going to help is curling up in bed and watching sad movies or listening to sad music. Locking myself into the negative thought of no one cares and I will be alone forever. Those are not the thoughts of someone trying to heal, they are the thoughts of someone who has given up. I have not given up.

It’s okay to be lonely, because being alone is what I like to be right now. Not that, that can change in the next few years. But what I like about it right now is I don’t have to answer to anyone about really anything. I don’t have to check in when I go somewhere. I don’t have to report back if I’m gone longer than expected. Not that I ever had to do that with Ed. But other relationships with men who have trust issues, that is something I just can’t do. I refuse to pay the price of their non-healed trauma. Why should I expect a man to pay for the trauma that Mat put me through? I don’t. But if I am not healed from that trauma then I am not ready for a relationship. Suddenly it is very much okay to be lonely, because it is a healthy lonely, because it is a healing that I need.

Learning from others has been key

Just from talking to my new friends I have learned that I have to learn how to control that knee jerk reaction of negative thoughts. I have to remind myself that if someone doesn’t answer a text right away doesn’t mean I did anything wrong. It just means that I am not a priority at that moment. What I am learning is that not everyone responds like I do. And it is not up to them to meet my expectations. It is up to me to control my response when that happens. It is up to me to not hyper focus on negative thoughts and stand back and see who this person is. A real friend is going to answer and if they don’t. If they take weeks or days to answer then maybe they are not the kind of friend that I am needing and that person is just a sometimes friend. An acquaintance so to speak. Learning the difference is key. It is also up to me to decide what kind of energy do I want to have around me.

Finding people who are on your lever in your flow is key to navigating life. Holding on to people who have different energy who try to change you or your course to what they think you need to be is a huge red flag. I have learned that as well. I want friends in my life who are not constantly trying to fix me. But who are supportive and encouraging and who want to laugh and love. It is up to me to find those people and also learn how to let people go. The universe I have learned will always bring people in if we are opened enough to allow the flow of humanity to envelop us.

I have learned so much from my current friends. They are cheerleaders, and lovers of laughter, and they are absolutely beautiful. And when I spend time with them, I too feel absolutely beautiful. That is what we should feel when we are around friends. Loved, supported, and encouraged. That is friendship. That is my new mindset. The one they are teaching. Show up for those who show up you, and stop chasing, begging, or hoping someone will show up for you.

I have found myself saying more than once the past few months, “never has someone done that for me.” It is the showing up that makes the difference. I need to do that. I need to show up for my kids, for myself, and yes for my friends! When we stop focusing on ourselves and we truly open our hearts to others and we learn how to show up in a way that they need, that is when we make long lasting connections. Being alone is very much okay. Because it is teaching me to show up for myself and when you can show up for you, then when someone doesn’t or can’t you are more apt to have compassion and empathy for them. It doesn’t mean that you let them in and continuously let them use you. But it allows you to match their energy and when you are not pouring more into someone than what they are pouring into you then you get to keep the extra for yourself.

Balance

It is finding that balance that is key to me. So lately my thought process is going to be, “am I matching energy here? Is that energy a good feeling? Is it something that gives you pause?” It is the answer to those questions that you find that balance. I can give you what you give and expect nothing more from you because that is where you are at. Once we do that, once we are able to balance giving and taking, then we find peace. In that peace is genuine happiness. That is where I am at. Keeping as much energy for myself and learning to match energy with others. This will protect my heart and my mind. I then can bring in the kind of life I want. One filled with friends and love and laughter. The healing has began, and happiness is around more than it has in years.