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Many times in my young life I wondered where would I end up? Did it matter, I struggled to think of dreams let alone chase them. My life has been far from a fairy tale and growing up when and when I did that fact isn’t surprising to me at all. Yet in the past few days strange thoughts keep popping into my head. Like today for example, each morning I get up early and drive about 45 minutes to work. Now I’ve driven this distance before just never to the city that I now work. My drive starts out simple, usually it’s just me, yet by the time I get about halfway to the city, I am joined in by many people. Each day I do what my daughter has taught me and I use my phone to order and pay for my favorite morning matcha.

I take pride in being able to do this. To order and then just be able to walk in and pick it up. In this odd way it gives me a sense that I have my life somewhat organized. I then come into work and I sit at my cubical and enjoy the few moments of quiet while I clock in and check my email. Today doing these simple things got me thinking, and one thought pounded it’s way to the forefront. I love my job. O feel important and for the first time in my life I’m not killing myself wondering if I’m good enough for the people around me. I’m not killing myself trying to impress someone. I’m just working. And when I don’t have work, someone else does. There is always something to do. I am doing what I went to school for, and I am happy.

The next thought though isn’t so kind. I miss writing. My last job they encouraged me to write. There was way too much down time. Now there is none. There is good and bad in that. The good, staying busy makes my days fly by. The bad, no time to write. I miss it, my true talent and passion being put off because I am once again afraid. What if it’s not good enough what if no one reads it? Yet there is this very loud voice in my head that says if you don’t write then you will never know.

So tomorrow starts my new life. The one where I make time to write. To do what I love. After all if you ever talked to someone who is considered highly successful they would tell you they chased the dream even when you didn’t want to. It is hard work but every single one of them made it. I can too.

So my new life looks good, I’ll make mistakes, have to apologize and hopefully won’t screw up too badly. But I will make it. I am putting that piece of me back where it belongs. I feel amazing by this thought. I am happy.

We finally made it to Florida. We arrived around six thirty in the evening and man is it beautiful here. The excitement of seeing a new place is always fun for the kids and very loud for the adults. Our tiny cabin is perfect, about the size of a large hotel suite but with privacy. This is the kind of think I have always wanted to do. The price is great and the location away from traffic and loud neighbors and slamming doors of a hotel. Peace is what comes to mind here. I am so excited the morning and evenings can finally be filled with what I am so passionate about. Writing.

The fishing has begun and so have the declarations of this is great! My family is having fun and for that I am so grateful for them and their willingness to go on crazy adventures with mom. The car is full of laughter and stories and lots of questions, followed up by “I have no idea, Google it.” Then laughter as we learn something new. The drive was not too bad, but I wonder when it is your first time to go somewhere if you will always think well that wasn’t too bad. Or maybe we just knew it would be two long days in a car. Whatever it is, we did it well. Though I was very disappointed in the route I chose. Mainly because I thought let’s drive the coast and see the water! Well, it was good in theory, but reality is, all we got to see was trees. Now I have to admit that we really don’t have that in the plains of Oklahoma. Yes, we have trees, but not like this. It was still a beautiful drive and when we got to finally see water and make it to Mobil and got to go through a tunnel, it was decided right there and then, the coast drive was worth it. Though it may not be the way we take home.

It is amazing to think that others see this every day and it is normal. The trees the never-ending line of cars and the sounds. It brings me back to standing on the edge of the Grand Cayon and listening to nothing and wondering about those that traveled many, many years ago and came across the canyon. Did they stop to take a breath and think wow this is beautiful. Or did they think, how in the world will we cross this! We will be standing out by the ocean very soon and like others we will stand in awe of what God has made and like many others, we will say “My God it is beautiful.”

I hope you all enjoy your day, look for more updates as we continue this journey.

Dee

This year was finally the year for our next big adventure. Mat is healthy and feels like he can make a long car ride. Thus, we talked about where to go. We talked about North and to Mount Rushmore and come back through Colorado and see our favorite place. Manitou. Then something hit me like a ton of bricks. Warm sandy beaches and not just the dirty sand of Oklahoma, but the white sandy beaches that I have dreamed of seeing all my life. Florida is the answer.

Florida is actually just a few days drive for us. Yes, they are long days but technically not as long as going to our favorite place Manitou. Seven and a half hour days seem actually pretty easy. So Pensacola was decided. White sandy beaches, pretty blue water and a place that is full of history. Something we all love. I found an Air BNB that was the perfect fit for our small family and affordable. Only a little over six hundred for only four nights. It is a small cabin on a private lake, while it is not right on the beach, it is only 25 minuets away, a simple drive and when we want to do more than just see the beach, we can stay right around where we are staying!

Thus, we saved for about six months, put our vacations on our work calendars, and made our reservations. As I am writing this, we have completed the first leg of our journey. We packed our bags and instead of rushing about and leaving early Mat is teaching me this is vacation, and we have time. There are no reasons to get in a hurry. We have planned this trip well. Two days to travel to our destination four days there then two days home. All in our time. We stop when we want, and we relax and just take our time. This is a new concept to me. I am so use to hurry up and get there that I miss half the stuff that I could have seen. I am really enjoying this trip. I have just two kids with me this time as the older two are home with jobs and adult responsibilities. Then there is Mat, this is his first trip with us. In his own words this is his first vacation with his very own family. We are all smiles and full of excitement.

The drive has been simple so far and we have carefully mapped the next leg. Something with very few turns and hopefully one that has amazing views. This is all of our first time to visit these states. Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, and finally Florida. Four states seven hours and bonding time with each other.

I have never been so nervous for a trip. Most big trips I’ve taken someone else has driven with the exception of when we went to Colorado the first time. The second time we went my daughter’s boyfriend drove there and home for us. I love to drive. I love the music Mat has been playing for us and we have had some great laughs as Mat has told us stories and inside jokes that him and his friends shared in their youth. I fall in love with him more and more as the miles pass.

I think back just a few years and if you knew me then, all of this would be a no go. I let fear rule my life. I let outside people tell me that trips like this would probably be way to much for someone like me. I am proving those people wrong, yes the drive through Dallas wasn’t without some uneasy moments but those moments passed quickly and once again Mat’s take our time attitude paid off in a big way. Thus following someone on an interstate that was doing 48 mph instead of the posted 70 only drove me a little crazy. Yet it wasn’t long and the small car took a different exit and was out of our way and on to being in someone else’s.

So far I have really enjoyed the drive even if we haven’t even left the state of Texas yet. Tomorrow is when we finally get to see the new states. All of us at the same time. What a bond we will create!

We are now tucked into bed and they are kindly waiting on me to turn the computer off so they can go to sleep. It makes me smile as there have been so many nights when we were at home that they have kept me up so this is just a little poetic justice. Wish us luck tomorrow as we face the unknown and go where this group of Rhea’s have never gone before, the white sandy beaches of Florida.

Dee

I named my blog that a long time ago. I wanted to be the woman who traveled all over and did amazing things. Yet that was not the path God saw fit for me. Instead the journey has been on a path that I am not an expert on. Funny how God takes the most inexperienced and creates a being that is beautiful and understanding that, while they are the most ill equipped they are in fact the right person for the job. Because they believe God is with them. It is that belief that pushes me forward. Not in fear but in humble respect. And with every trench, with every wave, and with every mountain, the fear subsides and you become you. Death was the path the mission was finding Life.

We all struggle sometimes. We get in a routine we find ourselves day in and day out doing the exact same thing and the next thing we know a year has flown then two. Soon it will be three years gone and there are some days that feels impossible and others that feel as if it was forever ago.

Yesterday was a hard day for me. The day Ed passed played over and over again in my head. In full detail. I can remember those first few hours as sharply as if it were yesterday. I told no one. I went home and put on a smile and then took a long hot shower. Soaking in the love and warmth of my kids and Mat. Telling myself that I am still here, I am breathing and moving and I have a purpose and I need to be focusing on it. I am not perfect. I am far from an expert at dealing with grief. But I’m starting to wonder where the damn finish line is. When will days like these stop waving over me? The good news is that for the first time yesterday I didn’t let it just break me. I pushed back, I thought of all the good times Ed and I had and then I basked in all the great ones Mat and I have built since. A reminder that Ed wants his family to be happy to continue Living. It really hit me then that I have not been chasing my dreams. I’ve been going to work and coming home exhausted with a to do list a million miles long. I blame it on the holidays. The truth is I have not been running and my energy level has crashed. So it is time to get back to it. Even though I know the work it will take, I know the payoff. So it is time to do what I love. Finish my second book and start on the third.

Chasing dreams is what makes me feel alive. I have the time and the desire and the only thing stopping me is well me. Sometimes you just have to get out of your own way. This may not be the best way to deal with grief but today it is how I am doing it.

As always I want to know what do you do? What is your HEALTHY way of dealing with grief? The only way to deal with death better is by actually Dealing with it!!! Your one tip could help someone in a big way. Be brave step up and let’s talk!!

Dee

Today I saw a post asking the big question on everyone’s mind. Is it too early for Christmas? Most people say Yes!! And shout it from the roof tops. Complaining about stores with their Christmas stuff out and how their neighbor just put lights up and maybe even a tree!!!

My daughter even showed me a picture of a turkey telling Santa that Thanksgiving was is day and to back off!!! I laughed as it was very cute. Yet the post asking about too early stuck with me. Mainly because the author is really good, but also because it made me think of all the reasons why someone would put a tree up this “early”. Let me tell you I came up with some really good ones and by the time I was done thinking about them too early was just a small thought.

We never know what is going on in the lives of our neighbors or coworkers. Not really. I thought of things like maybe a mother or grandmother was lost during the year and she loved Christmas so the tree was put up early to honor her. Because she was missed so much that by putting up that tree it seemed to bring just a piece of her spirit back. Maybe the young couple had been struggling for the last five years to have a baby and finally after all kinds of tests and tries, they finally get to tell the family that they are expecting and decided to do that by hanging a “babies first Christmas ornament“ up on the front of the tree. Maybe a parent started a new job and it pays so well that the tree and all the ornaments are brand new carefully picked out by each child and Christmas this year promises to be the best yet. Maybe another family was so blessed that they are going to give another family and they can’t wait for it!

These are just a few reasons I came up with as to why it’s not too early. All these things are the magic of the season. They are the joy, peace, and love that we all wish for each other during this time of year.

Is it too early? I’m sure you can give a reason for every one that I have as to why it is. Yet in the end I only ask this. Do we not walk around wishing the whole year would feel like this? Full of excitement full of love? We do and if you don’t I ask that you watch Scrooge a few times. Or maybe the Grinch. The season is not about the gifts but about the magic, the love, the joy.

I say put the tree up!!! Let the season begin!! So that maybe the magic last just a bit longer.

Dee

We have made it!! It is finally the Holiday season. This truly is my favorite time of the year. It is like Halloween is the big kick off for me. This year Mat and I sat outside on the patio by a roaring fire. I dragged out my old DJ sound system and some lanterns and old Christmas lights and had the whole side yard lit so people could see us. We headed out with our large bowl of candy and hopes of kids showing up wanting it. The evening was perfect for Halloween, warm with little wind and clear beautiful blue sky. Normally there are no kids that come to our side of town since there are few houses on it anymore and the ones that do live there are out with their kids. So I made sure to post on my social media that we were home and we had candy!! Mat and I enjoyed the evening so much and we even had kids stop by. Yes there were a few times that we had to shout “Yes we have candy!!!” Which made us giggle as much as the kids.

My son and his friends all piled into the back of our truck while my oldest daughter drove them all over town. Once it got pretty dark time was up. Mat and I decided to take them all home while my daughter sat and relaxed by the fire. We listened and giggled as the kids talked about their “haul”. Then we heard the best thing a parent can hear, “this was the best Halloween yet!” This was agreed upon quickly and Mat and I just smiled. You don’t always get wins in life as a parent so the small ones count a lot.

For me this is when the magic of the season starts. I love Halloween because it encourages kids to use their imagination, and it reminds us older people that magic is still possible.

Now that the season has started I am so excited. To see family, to dress up for parties, to be reminded that life is not all about chasing the all mighty dollar. It is about people, it’s about love. It is about God and taking the time to stop and really be thankful for all the blessings that are in your life. You know the family you have, the home, the job, your health. Why because not everyone has that. The past two years have been years full of loss. Jobs, family, friends, freedom.

The one thing that has always kept me going has been my family. I am so thankful for all of them. Life may be harder for some of us, but we have each other and that is all that matters.

So while I begin planning for Thanksgiving dinner and buying early Christmas gifts, I just thank God that I get to do that. I am so blessed. I may not have the big fancy job, or bring home a huge check, but God has blessed me with enough. Enough to make it in life with a little left over even. That is blessing. I pray that you too remember your blessings even if they are the smallest things. They could be the very thing someone else is desperate to have.

May the magic of the season build for you and when the season is over you smile because it was full of laughter and life.

Dee

My new job isn’t the most exciting job in the world. Some days things are busy and full of laughter and people. Then there are days where the weather brings everyone to a stop. The cold is peaking its head around the corner and suddenly we see people wearing coats and hats. Don’t get me wrong, I love this season. But it can make for some very long work days.

It is during these days I find my mind wonders way too much and thoughts creep up that catch me off guard. Bringing unexpected emotions with them. I’m not encouraging people to stuff their emotions. But there is a time and a place for them and work is not really one of those.

So I have had to find a way to keep my mind busy. The answer for me was simple. A small sketch book and a bunch of pencils. I started with faces. This is a difficult task and I have found that I had to get a bigger eraser because I tend to make a lot of mistakes. The thing with faces you can’t just jump in and be done in just a half hour. Most of my sketches took a few days. Once I got a few done I decided that it was time for something new. So I switched to land scapes and let me tell you they were even harder!! Yet I loved them so much more than faces. I also found I could go a bit faster with one. I also found that I loved them more. With faces you had to bring emotion to the eyes and that is not always easy to do. With landscapes things just seem easier.

While drawing, or doodling, which is what I’ve been calling it my mind seems to relax and I feel more balanced. I miss writing but one can only write so much before they run out of words right? All I know is that this small simple thing has brought joy to my life and a balance that I didn’t know was missing.

The odd thing is I realized another piece of me had fallen into place. It is odd because that piece feels old. Like it had already been a part of the puzzle, it just wasn’t where it belonged. Another thing is I really thought that the puzzle was all new. That a new me was walking around. Nope some things are just so much a part of who we are they can never really be lost.

My doodles are simple and I love them. I also love the old familiar piece of me that has been gently put into place.

Dee

Grief haunts me. It at times can be vicious and others it is this sweet memory of life’s perfect little moments. Yet as time goes by and the pain no longer is a stabbing wound life feels real again.

Don’t get me wrong, life always feels real. But after the loss of Ed there have been many times in this chapter that have felt like fiction. Usually when something good happens. I have had more than one moment with Mat where life feels like a wonderful movie and I keep waiting for the director to jump out and yell “Cut! That’s a wrap!” And I learn that it’s all a dream and when I wake up it will be just a few days after Ed has passed and I’m facing the funeral all over again. Weird I know but that feeling has come across my mind a few times.

There have been times when I have been so tworn in two. I love Ed so much and my kids deserve their father. If this were truly a dream and I could wake up and have him home again I would. Things would be back to normal. And I would tell him everything. He would laugh and cry with me. Then he would wrap me up in his arms and say it was just a dream. And we would live out the life we had planned.

Yet on this side, in this dream I have become the woman I have always wanted to be. Out spoken, out going, and opened to love. I no longer hide in a shell but welcome a warm hello. Then there is Mat. The man I dreamed about in my youth. The man who is so amazing. He helps with chores, the kids, the crazy schemes that I come up with. He is my best friend. Is he perfect nope but neither am I. Yet he pushes me to be. Not because I’m an awful person but because I can always be a better one.

The days for me ebb and flow just like that. The great sadness in the loss of Ed. Of knowing this is not a dream I can just wake up from. My kids have lost the greatest treasure they had. Their father. I wish I could have saved them from this pain. Yet I see them here and now and they are amazing kids. They didn’t let life beat them down. They fight back and they stand up and they say today I live for dad.

That is where my days become this true blessing of happiness. It just takes one smile one “good morning mom!” That reminds me rather we are in the dream world or in the real one, life still has happiness in it we just have to chose to fight to find it.

I pray as the holiday seasons creep up on us that you learn to see the good in the bad. That you fight to find love. That has the most value to me in both worlds. Having love. Because I did and I do.

Dee

It’s coming…..Christmas. I know most of you cringe when you think of all the work that is coming down the line. Planning for multiple events, from parties to school and work functions. Then it is shopping for gifts and beating yourself up because you knew it was coming and didn’t start as soon as you wanted and had trouble finding that perfect gift. So then you worry about things arriving in time and hoping that Santa doesn’t have to come late!!

All this leads to one thing, stress. Those Hallmark Christmas movies don’t cover that too well do they? Then you have the Grinch’s in the world where “it’s too early for Christmas “ or “it too many Christmas songs!” These people come around and steal our joy of Christmas. You also have those that steal your joy because religion is thrown into your face too much. I’m talking about those who say things like “it’s not proven that Jesus was born December 25th” or “I can’t believe you believe in that” kind of thing. I just want the magic of Christmas back. That Wake up at six in the morning just to open presents because it’s Christmas!!!

It took me some time but I found a way to do that. To build up that magic and share it with others. It is the simplest thing. Give. Give your time, your love, your extra, to someone who doesn’t have it. That is my goal this year. That is the only way I know how to build up that magic, to walk around feeling good about myself. Blessing others!

So this year as hints of the season start creeping in, and you are yelling “Can I at least have Halloween before Christmas!” Be thinking about how to build up the magic so that it truly feels like a “season” not just a day.

A season is that, a period of time, days long not just hours. I want my kids to remember this time of year as something to look forward to. A true season. Much like summer. I pray for snow, and good weather too. I pray for Healthy family members and hugs from people I have not seen in a while. I pray for laughter and good nights that we are all thankful for. So when the season is over come January 1 we think “I can’t wait to do that all again.”

You see, Christmas is so much more than just a day. It is a season, and I pray that yours brings you happiness, joy, and love.

So yes it is early but I just can’t help it, I’m ready. Ready for the magic of the season. For it warms my heart and brings joy to my soul.

Dee