Jumping Head First

When you’ve lost someone as close to you as your spouse, it brings lonely to a whole new meaning. It did for me anyways. I went from my families house to my husbands. For twenty one years I have lived with and taken care of someone. Once that was gone it was hard to fill that hole. I thought that that meant that I needed to once again find someone to take care of. My children all but one are really out of the house and suddenly not only did I lose my spouse, I have a very large case of empty nest. Yes I still have two kids at home, but really most nights I come home to a very empty house. My son is out with his friends and my daughters are out either working or out with friends as well. It is hard to walk in some days. So I did it, I threw in the towel and decided that I should date again. I found an amazing man. He was supportive and kind and loved the kids and cared about me as well. If you wrote it all down on paper it was perfect. Yet something kept telling me it’s not right. I don’t know what “It” was, all I know is that “it” wasn’t right. Did I fall in love? I would like to think so, but reality is, it was just too soon. I couldn’t help but compare him with Ed. Not fair to him, and not fair to me either. In his mind we were perfect. Nothing is perfect. Especially when you are in a part of your life when everything is a mess. Trying to have a relationship during that is not good for you or for the other person. Why because I was not myself, no matter how much I would like to think that I was. No I was running. Running from the fact that I needed to grieve.

I have met many widows, some who have been grieving the loss of their spouse for ten plus years. I kept telling myself that I did not want to be that widow, the one that could have many years of happiness in a second marriage but just couldn’t get past the loss. What I have learned is that I was becoming that widow, because instead of facing the grief, I was running from it. It caught me in a whirl wind of a mess and hurting someone that I truly cared about. We are a dangerous people when we are hurting. We lack empathy and emotional connection. So while I was telling myself that I was “in love” I wasn’t. I actually felt nothing. A very dangerous place because we hurt people when we do that. And when marriage came up, I was all for it. Until, one fight, one little breakdown of communication and it all slapped me in the face. I was fixing to hurt someone really bad, because I didn’t have the courage to face the grief. I was jumping in head first and not even looking.

So I broke it off, it hurt him greatly, sadly it didn’t even hurt me. Which is why I knew it was the right choice. You can’t give your heart away when it belongs to someone else. And my heart belonged to someone else, someone I could never have again. I don’t know if this is part of grief, to look for something that filled that deep hole that was gouged out when I lost my husband. Only time can fill that hole and once I realized that, even though it hurt someone, dealing with the grief is the only way to truly heal that hole. It is the only way people. Nothing else will do it. So the only way that I can fill that hole is to go through the grief, the ugly crying the putting things away. Mind you I am not trying to erase him, I’m trying to heal my broken heart. That means that I have to let go, and to realize that he will never again walk through that door. And putting his things where they belong and getting rid of things like socks that will never be worn again, or silly shirts that no one really wants. That is what is required for me to truly move forward in this life, to truly begin the slow climb out of the trench. It will hurt, it will be painful, there will be tears there will be anger, and laughter, but I will get through it.

I have my children and one of my best friends coming over to help me. People who will not care about the tears, who will shed some with me and not judge me for what I cry over and what I don’t. Once it is done, it will just be another step out of the trench. I never meant to hurt anyone, but the right thing was done, I cannot take the decision to leave, back, as much as it hurt to do it. If you are looking for answers on how to grieve after the loss of a spouse, there really is no book. It’s much like having children, there is no handbook, it’s just handed to you and you are expected to deal with it. I am doing my best, I am not perfect, I am a mess. But in order not to be that widow that is still grieving ten years later, I have to face the grief and start to heal. I want to love again, I want to be loved again, but as long as I don’t deal with the grief, I will never be able to.

Dee