Knowing…..

This was supposed to be a travel blog, but who gets to travel all the time? Certainly not a widow mother of four. Yet our first big trip of the year is just a week away. We are heading off to one of our favorite places. Colorado. I’m praying for good weather or at least to not get snowed in. We do want snow though as we don’t really get it here. I am excited and ready to get away. The past week has been tough trying to deal with life. Yet I am learning so much about myself. The good, the bad, the terrible, and the incredible. I have been all of that here lately. Grief does incredible things to a person and until you go through the hard ones you will just never know. To lose a parent is heartbreaking you miss them so much. To lose a spouse at a young age is heartbreaking as well, the one person that you were to be with for the rest of your life, and then they are just gone? Lets just say the phrase “it’s not fair” has been used so often that really it has lost all meaning. I mean how many times have you said that since you were old enough to talk? I was a teenager once, it was a phrase that was never tired out. And now? It doesn’t even describe the place I am in on this wild path that God has set before me. To lose a child? That to me is a grief that I could never comprehend. Those women and men are strong.

I thought this was to be a travel blog to write about my travels and share the incredible pictures that I catch along the way. Instead this has really became a blog on dealing with my grief. Maybe one day my children will stumble across it and they can read their mothers words so that when I’m gone they will have some sort of guide on how to continue on when life “isn’t fair”. I learned something about myself this past week. I am not who I thought I was, but I am better than I should be. We took personality quizzes at work to see how we measure up. At first I thought that my measure was weak. I am an Idealists. Which pretty much means that I live my life in a mess, with my head in the clouds, you want me on your team, I am a hopeless romantic, I am going to make peace and swallow any feelings I may have because I will not do confrontation with anyone, and whatever my dreams are I will not give up on them. No matter how long it takes me I will chase them and I am more than likely to achieve those dreams than anyone else because I just don’t give up.

What I use to think was that because of my personality was weak I would let people walk all over me. Truth is, I am not weak, what I am is someone who handles things differently than the type A personality. What a type A personality thinks of me is that I don’t have the ability to be “blunt” as they describe themselves. Truth is I have the exact same thoughts as a type A personality I just have the self control to stop and think how my reaction will not only effect the situation, it also has an affect on a person. That is what a type “B” personality can do. They have the uncanny ability to take themselves out of the picture and understand that any reaction must be the correct one. At least for me anyways. Why? Because I am also an Idealists. I don’t just see what is in front of me, I step out and look at the whole picture. Not just months out but years. Which is so true because the first thing I always ask myself before getting too upset, is will this matter in five years? If the answer is no then I don’t waste time worrying about it.

Some will always think that I am weak. Yet others say that I am the strongest woman they know. These people know me. They are some of my closest friends. They know all the trials that I have been through and see that I have made it to the other side of them. Here is something new for me, something that still catches me off guard. I have had a few people tell me that I have inspired them. That my running has. It’s so odd to hear that, and even odder to try and believe it. Yet here is the thing, these people are not trying to be nice, they are being honest and I’ve learned that my answer to that should always be thank you. Why because their feelings need to be validated. I can not control what inspires someone. But if it is how they feel and it affects something in their life for the positive then I am honored by it. I don’t run to inspire, my running is actually quite selfish of me. Because I do it for myself. Because it makes me feel better. That is why it is odd for me to hear that. But it is something that I just have to accept and keep doing.

So here is the bottom line. This journey is to find myself. To reach some kind of finish line and know who I am. Here is the thing about my Idealistic type “B” personality. I truly believe that one must never stop growing as a person. That everyone you meet comes into your life for a reason. And while some say that people will either grow you or you grow them, I just don’t believe that is true at all. No because people who love control and power will always believe that they are growing someone else and don’t realize that they haven’t grown in years. If that is where you are please be careful as you maybe doing more harm than good. Because you cannot grow someone past where you personally are. I believe that if you look to see how you can grow and learn from someone only then can you truly help them grow too.

I may be wrong who knows, you know since I am just an Idealists and a type B personality. What do I know? I know me. That is what I know.

Dee