For as long as I can remember I have loved the written word. I have been a book worm since I learned to read. Books have the ability to take us to places far away and they help us to forget the struggles that we deal with on a daily basis. I had a teacher that helped with that love. She read to us at the end of everyday for at least half an hour. Even in fifth grade she did this. She brought books to life with the way she read, and we sat engrossed in the story. I learned how to read like that, my kids love to hear me read, and while in church I loved getting up and reading scripture. I would read it through many times along with the passages before and after so that I knew what was being said, why it was being said and how it should be read. I loved reading to the congregation, and felt honored to be asked to. But nothing, nothing beats writing for me.
I have written so many things as a young writer. Poetry, only once but it was really good, so good in fact the Senior English teacher stopped and asked if she might share it. And then tell me that she loved it. I was a freshman, sitting with my friends during lunch and when she walked away I was bombarded with questions. What poem and could they read it. I was embarrassed and I am pretty sure that I didn’t let anyone read that poem. Like most of the things that I write, very few read it. In fact I haven’t even told really anyone about my blog. I have written quite a few post but still have yet to tell family or even friends about it. One friend knows but because he truly supports me and I love his feedback on my posts, because they are honest. Also most of my blog posts are about dealing with the loss of Ed. I’m not sure why I haven’t really put my blog out there. Maybe is fear of being judged though I don’t think so. After all I put it out there for anyone to read. It’s not really a secret, it’s just not announced either.
I have written a few short stories, none of them finished, why because I worry about them being that perfect story, and in my mind they are not perfect because I doubt myself. So I did something that I thought would help. I keep seeing adds for this thing called Master Class. A large group of artists and scientists, actors, writers and just about anyone else we consider a master of their trade and they teach a class. I took one on writing and have learned so much that it excites me to write again. I loved that I learned no ones first draft is perfect. So write and if you don’t like the way it goes, then change it in the second draft. Simple, the main thing is to finish it. Just put the story out there and see what happens. I had hoped that during this quarantine that we are in I would have time to write. Nope I have one of those essential jobs. So while everyone else talks about the drag of staying home, I go to work every day. If this thing ever ends I really want a vacation!! Lol So I do what I can. I write on my lunch and after work if there is time. (There usually isn’t) All I can say is I hope soon we will get life back to normal.
Writing helps me get all the thoughts out of my head. I’ve been a journal writer since a very young age. I use to have books and books of journals that our teachers made us write in school. As I got older, I just kept it up. This blog is just another way to journal for me. I actually feel bad for my therapist for writing as much as I do, yet my writing helps me see where I am at in life. Since I am one who whom conceals my feelings, my writing is the place I can go back to and see what I was thinking. How I reacted and if that reaction is what I want it to be. Trust me they never are. We all know hindsight is 2020. What it does best, is help me prepare for the next time. And since it is written down I can go back and analyze over and over again. Lol
In the end here is what I want you to take away from all this rambling. Writing is like air to me. Much like drawing, or painting, or doing numbers, or playing music is to others. Writing is that for me. I am so blessed to have met so many other writers through my blog and other blogs. I have found support among my peers and you can never have enough support. Thus I have continued to write and work on my first book. It has reached the part where it breaks the heart, but in order for the story to end well the tough stuff must be written.
To my fellow bloggers out there, keep writing for you inspire me. Your honest truth is beautiful and I am blessed by it. May you always have a story to tell and the words to tel it. Stay safe!
Dee
The Journey of a Lioness 
Girl, keep it up! Perhaps right now it is a way for you to release what is inside you. Once you have a lot of content maybe you will want to share more. It is all at your own pace.
I started following you because as I read one of your posts it felt like we have some of the same struggles as well as some of the same core beliefs.
I lost my brother in 2012. He left behind two young boys (the oldest just had his 13th birthday this past Saturday!) My brother was my best friend, my partner in crime—he was in my every memory. His loss crushed me. I thought about him constantly. But I always felt guilty about it, like I needed to support his widow more because her loss and struggle were greater, or I needed to be strong for my parents because who could imagine loosing a child.
Then I became good friends with one of his friends from high school (I heard about her often but never got to meet her). She had lost her 18 month old daughter. We became each other’s support via text. Eventually, we met at our hometown park and had lunch and watched our boys play and everything seemed so connected—it felt like Travis, my brother, would have been happy that we found support in each other. I remember what she said once because it was so impactful in my journey of healing—“Stop comparing bc loss is loss.” And the reason we feel loss is because we allowed ourselves to love. We we need to experience our loss and work through our heart without worrying about anyone’s views of it…mainly because if there is anything negative that someone else feels or says about our it, then that is a reflection of them and what they need to work through, not of us and what we are working through. And honestly, that is when we need to love that negative person even more.
I started my blog as a gallery for my art. Not bc I thought I was good, but bc I found that I loved web designing. And I wanted to “archive“ what I created for my sons. So one day, if I wasn’t here, they would know a major part of me without having to rely on other’s perceptions or memories.
I didn’t share with many because I felt embarrassed. Same with the book I wrote for my brother—I wanted to write it and draw it so badly, but once I was finished it didn’t feel like it was good enough, and I was worried that someone would think that i was trying to profit off of his death. Then I realized, there is nothing closer to the truth, I did it as a gift to my mom, to my nephews, to my brother.. it was from the heart. Period.
When I got over that fear I realized that many love it. And they use what I have done as an inspiration, and ultimately that is a blessing. Because out of the pain i have experienced, at least I know some were able to use it to find strength.
I pray that your heart heals. I pray that when you are ready that you share your blog. Maybe you will share with someone that looses someone, that needs to see there is hope. Maybe someone you love will read it and be able to feel that love you have for your late husband. Maybe someday, if you choose to, when you enter into a new relationship, that man will see part of only our soul and have a better understanding of who you are without you feeling frustrated that you can’t explain in a conversation how deep of a love you had. Maybe it becomes a portfolio that opens doors to a new career..
No matter what, it is your journal, your story, keep writing and someday you will look back and be proud. Because over time even you will forget the emotions and the feelings to an extent, no, they never go away but they will change. You will become somewhat immune to the sting of the pain, yet when you look back and you read something that was written from your heart you will forever remember exactly how you were feeling.
And I’m that moment you smile, perhaps through tears, when you realize just how far you have come.
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Thank you so much for your words of encouragement and I am sorry for taking so long to reply. It has been pretty busy around here. I am so glad that you found someone to share and connect with when it comes to your brother. I love your blog and your work. It is inspiring, the more I work on mine the closer I get to feeling ready to release it. I hope you and your family are staying safe during this time.
Dee
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I saw your blog today. In understood each word. I hope you find peace, if only for a few minutes or hours, or heck a solid night of sleep.
If you ever need to talk to someone that doesn’t know details of your life, that you don’t feel judged by, someone you don’t have to worry about feeling guilty about the things you say/feel—sincerely, you are welcome to share with me.
It feels like a teenager trying to explain hormones for the first time but it’s deeper, more raw, and more often we try to hide it. And the hardest part is after a 8 months to a year—you are still deeply grieving, yet aquantances don’t understand why you aren’t over it. I mean, they are over it, why aren’t you?? (I know, right?)
We find ourselves trying to be “adults” about it to protect our loved ones but hiding sadness will break you, you have to find somebody, anybody, to talk to. I’m no therapist, far from it, but I’m willing to listen if you need someone to listen. And I’m willing to help offer positive feedback ONLY if you request it.
I needed that person, and I thank God that He brought that person into my life. And I’m willing to be that for you if you need it. Unfortunately, it’s like we are all part of an exclusive team…one with the highest price paid to join. It’s one that nobody ever wants to be part of. But I swear to you, out of my experience, there isn’t a more unified tribe out there. We silently sit in the background waiting to catch the next lady before she falls.. and someday you will be that person for someone.
Your doing better than you think, you are allowed to cry, and your babies know exactly how hard you are trying for them (turns out they pretty much know everything even when they don’t know it all.)
I pray you and yours stay safe and healthy.
Jes
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Thankfully, I have a great therapists. And besides trying to blog every day, I also journal. Writing has always been my strong suit, along with listening. You are so right, people do think that there must be a finish line to feeling grief. That once this day (insert any day on a calendar that seems like long enough) gets here, the grief will just be done. Nope it just doesn’t work that way. That is what I am learning. I am learning how to sleep alone, yes my husband was a railroader and gone three to four nights a week, but I was still use to sleeping with him. I still sleep only on my side of the bed, and just added a ton of pillows onto his side. Something he would have hated. LOL. Thank you for offering to just listen, I appreciate it. Yes we are part of a tribe that paid a very high price to be a part of, and I blog so that the next woman can read and think, yes, I know exactly what she is saying. I am a terrible hopeless romantic and my happily ever after came crashing down around my ears and I am just trying to recover. It is hard to believe in love again though I know I do, deep down I do anyways. Right now is just feels very far away.
Dee
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I know we talked months ago. I just wanted you to know I did it. I wrote a book. I am currently in the process of getting the copyright completed but it will be released on Kindle EBooks and paperback. I just want to say thanks because of your words of encouragement I just went for it. I also sent the book to a psychologists and he is very excited to get it into the hands of his patients and peers and has even got me a spot on a radio talk show to promote the book. You were right, I just had to be brave and go for my dream. I hope you are well, and thank you.
Dee
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Ohhh my goodness that is fantastic! Thank you for reaching out and letting me know. Seriously, that made my day. Gahhh, I’m so happy for you! I hope to read it.
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I completely agree with you here. Writing has been so liberating for me. But I must tell you, you are an amazing writer and must share your work with the world, all in your good time 🙂
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