A Hurting Woman’s Mind……..

Love is complicated, it is messy and it hurts us like nothing else. All kinds of love does this. The love of a parent, or even lack of love does something to us. Falling in love with someone who doesn’t love you back is another. And when two people fall in love and get married only to find out they are not who they thought they were it can be just as devastating. All of it, is this thing that we are constantly trying to figure out.

I am in the mists of trying to figure out why I fell in love with Ed, and how was it that we could fall in love, get married after only six short months and spend the next 21 years happily together, and wonder if I will ever find that again. Or if I even want to. It is a daily mind change for me. I see other people in love and happy and I know how that feels. How good it feels to be wanted and needed, and loved. Yet I also know how the loss of that feels. I also know what it feels like to think you have that but you really don’t. To know what it feels like to love someone who just doesn’t love you back. The rejection that comes with that is awful. Yet I have also been the person who someone loved and I didn’t love them back. Neither side is a good place to be. Both are confusing and in the end just walking away is the best no matter how much it hurts both parties. Because when you are the person that didn’t love the other, it’s not that you don’t love them, you just can’t seem to love them enough. It feels like you keep waiting for the deeper feelings to develop but they just don’t. You hope it does, you may even stay with them for months waiting for those deeper feelings to show up, but there is something there that just stops you. So you are the one that ends it. It breaks their heart, you know it does, and there is nothing you can do to change it. You don’t want to hurt them, they haven’t done anything but love you. They feel like they have given you everything and you are just throwing it away as if it meant nothing. Trust me it never means nothing. It does mean something, just not what you want it to mean. We give all kinds of excuses of why it is not working out, and you even fight about things that were said. It hurts both parties because yes you said you loved them no that wasn’t a lie, but what was missing was the most important part.

What is that part? The knowing that you don’t want to spend a day without them next to you. Without them talking to you, or telling you that they love you and you letting them know that you love them too. That is what is missing. And when one feels that way and the other doesn’t it could mean a lifetime of living a half life. It is the spark of needing or wanting that person past sexual pleasures. It’s more than that, it’s wanting to go to sleep next to them so that you wake up next to them. And it kills us when we feel that way and someone else doesn’t.

As I said I have been on both sides of this recently. Here is what I learned. Love is nothing to mess with. It scars us. It molds us, and it is what makes us who we are. Because the heart is not attached to the mind so to speak. I tried to make mine love someone and it wouldn’t, I also tried to make it stop loving someone else. It doesn’t do that either. The old adage “The heart knows what it wants” so rings true here. Loving someone who doesn’t love you back is hard. It can destroy our belief of what love should be and it can even turn us hard and cold. Because we never want to be hurt like that again. We constantly ask ourselves what we did wrong. We replay conversations, and things that were said, and to us it should be simple to love someone. And the thing is we haven’t done anything wrong, we just gave our deepest of love to someone who just couldn’t receive it. We do move on, we do get over it, we do love again, maybe not as quickly, or as deeply right away, but we do love again. And if we don’t then it is our decision not to yet when that decision is made it is best to not get involved with anyone. Even if they say they can handle that. Because guess what we can’t, it is impossible. Someone’s heart is going to get broke. Use caution. Because crushing someone is terrible and it makes you feel like shit and it hurts them deeply.

I always believed that love was the easiest thing in life to do. It doesn’t cost anything to love someone right? Yet it does, and the price of it is deep. And I don’t know that I’m willing to pay that price anymore.

Dee