Falling in love is something I have dreamed of doing my entire life. I fell in love with my husband. I loved him dearly. When I was young I wanted to find that love. The deep “I’m going to be with you forever” kind of love. I thought I found that love. Yet it came with some huge sacrifices. Some that I only realized after he passed I had made. I loved fearlessly. I only cared that he came home and that he wanted to come home. I was angry after he passed, because I had made the sacrifices for him, I didn’t chase dreams, I did exactly what I was supposed to as a wife. I took care of the home, the kids, and him and his needs. I know how to love there is no doubt about it. I also now know the price of love. It is deep, it is soul crushing, it is filled with fear. I am no longer the fearless. I don’t want to love just anyone, I want someone who says I can’t live without you, because you make even breathing easier.
Mat says those things. Yet here I am living in fear. Fear that he will see my flaws, yes I have many of them. No he has not seen them yet, it’s only been two months. I am afraid to love fully as I did my husband, because I know the incurable hurt that comes with the ultimate loss. I want to teach my daughters this one thing, if you think you have found the one, ask yourself this, is he worth the hurt that is going to come when you lose him? Because you will lose him maybe not to another woman or because things didn’t work out, but the one loss that can’t be avoided, death. It will take the person away and sometimes when you least expect it. Is the person you are with worth that kind of love. The kind that even knowing that one day you will go through the worst pain in your life, and you are willing to do that for them. Only then do you know that you truly love that person. Not are you willing to die for them, but are you willing to go through the pain of losing them to death. No scar is deeper, no hurt compares to it, and only real love makes it worth it.
That is how I know I am in love with Mat. I am willing to face that loss again. This man that I have actually known most of my life has stolen my heart. I can’t get it back. Being with him is unlike anything I have ever done. This love is different than the love I had with my first husband. It is this wild love that is so addictive that I can’t seem to get enough of him of even being around him. It’s not the young love of hormones and feeling good. It’s more it is this feeling of nothing is better than being in his arms, nothing is better than crawling into bed next to him. It’s knowing that even if the world were to fall apart all around us, I would be protected and loved no matter what. It is the kind of love that sneaks up and grabs you without you realizing it. Then it slams into you without you knowing it, suddenly you can’t go an hour without stopping to smile because of something that happened. A single moment that you think about you replay every second over and over again in your mind. Because it seems like nothing can get better than that. Yet the next time I see him, something even better happens.
Suddenly being away from him is hard, and yet he knows the exact moment that I seem to be struggling. Because I get a text then, and according to him, I do the same. The moment he starts to wonder himself I text him and I always say what he needs to hear. (or read since we really text more than anything.) Suddenly getting out of bed is easy and done with a smile. Suddenly I am back to living fearlessly. To knowing that I could be hurt all over again, to being crushed, but if that is the case, then it is the path that I have willingly chose. I push that fear aside and find that love and joy are right there intertwined with that fear. Yet the love and joy win over the fear and I feel like I can take on the world. To know your purpose is the best feeling in the world. Nothing is better than falling in love with your best friend.
The Journey of a Lioness 
Back after a while as i could see. Look like the saying ” All that you are is all that I’ll ever need”
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