Chasing Dreams…..

Well I once again have been off of here for a while. Chasing dreams and making plans and living life. I changed jobs, yes after working at a place for six years, I upended my life and took a chance. I am chasing a dream and I have found a place that encourages that. I was warmly welcomed and I am very happy with where I have landed. I am writing and working away and have a good focused on what I want in my future. It is funny how different that future looks now. Year two without my husband is just about a month away. Sometimes that feels like it was yesterday and others it feels like years. I wonder if that is common. I have tossed the idea around about having a grief group together. To talk about that. What to expect now that it has been a couple of years. It all feels new to me. Like everyday something is new. A new thought, a new feeling, a new future. None of it what I thought it would be. I work and chase dreams all at the same time. I let go of the need of some people and found my own self in the process. It was like the death of my husband finished my journey to adulthood. Odd isn’t it.

Late last week we lost an amazing woman. A woman who has been a friend for many years and we have her service this Saturday. She taught me that while life is hard on your own, perspective is all you need to keep your focus where it needs to be. We live a life full of wishing and thinking if only. Well most of do anyways. Yet in the end it is up to us to chose what our perspective is. It is us to decide to be brave and chase dreams. I am excited about where I am heading. I believe that my second book is going to be as good as the first maybe even better. It will be longer anyways. I have to admit though I have missed blogging. I have enjoyed this platform for a long time and plan on continuing as long as I can. Grief is constant and constantly changing and evolving. Then you lose someone else and it all feels fresh all over again. I have been having to tell myself over and over again that this life is not it. There is more our spirits continue even when our bodies are gone. I choose to believe that, you may not, but I do. This life is just the place where we choose what our souls would be like. Are they filled with love, hate, anger, pride, beauty? We some or all of that.

Our perspective is part of that, our hearts are the other. I think of the wonderful woman we lost. We spent days writing her letters of love and memories, things we got the chance to say and to say thank you for being the blessing she is and that we were grateful that she was a part of our lives and we were a part of hers. I didn’t get to do that with my husband, and now that I think about it I don’t know that I could. I would have just sobbed. Losing love is so hard. We don’t stop loving, it is impossible to do that. I know some people say that happens, but it doesn’t, not if the love is real and pure and honest. When we lose someone that love changes, it can no longer grow because the other person is no longer with us to pour into the relationship too. It is a hard thing to learn to realize that we can no longer pour ourselves into a breathing living relationship. It changes. I wish I could describe this better, it is hard to. Because we want to think that our love will always grow, yet I have learned the harsh truth. It just can’t, because you no longer get what you need back. Not really. That is part of the grief. Maybe I am wrong. I have never been here before. I am not a pro at being a widow, I’ve only done this for a little while it is all new. I feel like a rookie.

Life may still be different, but I have to remind myself that life isn’t terrible, it is just different. It is up to me to make sure that life from now on is what I make it to be. I have learned how to walk away from what I don’t want and stop letting others control me. I finally make the decisions and if they are good or bad it is me that has to live with those consequences. I spent most of my life asking permission from others, seeking out their approval for me to live the life that I wanted. I walked away from that not too long ago. It was the most freeing thing I have ever done. I no longer care what someone else thinks, I have to do what is right for me. I have to find my own happiness and stop putting others in front of my own needs. I got tired of living a life trying to find validation through someone that I thought was so much better than me. What I learned is people like that really do not care about you, they care about what they can get out of you rather it be your time, your money, and sometimes both and then some. I truly feel like my life is really mine. That is the best feeling a person can have. In the end it was their weakness that brought me down, for they could only do what they wanted to because of me and when they took advantage of that, it brought unbalance into life. I need balance, and I have learned that if I do not have it then walking away is the right thing to do. Their power came from me, it is amazing what it feels like to take that power back. The great thing is I didn’t need a big scene, I didn’t need the last word or feel the need to make a point. I was just done and once I realized that, walking away and just leaving it as it was was fine with me. Because to people like that they will never admit that they ever did or are doing anything wrong. They are getting what they need and to them it is perfectly fine. Life is grand. Truth is they will just find someone else to control and get what they need. I have just learned that I am no longer going to be the person to fill the needs of people who cannot do the same for me. BALANCE is everything.

So my darlings, the place I have found myself in almost two years later is this. Chasing dreams is scary and exciting all at the same time, and finding balance in life is what leads to finding happiness. You are worth chasing your dreams, and you are more than what someone else says. It is up to you to find and know your worth, don’t ever let someone else control that. Be you because you are perfect the way God made you.

Dee