During a recent session with my counselor we started to discuss something that has become very powerful for me. There was a time after my husband passed that I was seeing a much younger man. This was my first experience with toxic narcissism. The first time I truly fell for someone who controlled everything. I respected his request to keep our relationship secret believing that we were just keeping our names out of the small town rumor mill. This made sense to me in a way but after a while, I started to think, this man doesn’t want a relationship with me. He just wanted the sex. Not that two grown consenting adults couldn’t do that, I just wanted more. The more I tried to get closer to him the more he would push me away. I realized that this was not the kind of relationship I wanted. It killed me to be someone’s secret. It brought up the childhood trauma of never being good enough for someone. So I ended it, it killed me to do so, but it was truly the best decision I ever made. As much as it hurt. But I want to bring something to your attention, I want to tell you about how I felt in the beginning. I felt powerful, sexy and alive.
A Superhero’s Secret Identity
As my therapists and I discussed this very old and toxic relationship, I stumbled upon something. We were discussing how I felt at the beginning of that relationship. I felt powerful. I had this what I believed to be the most amazing young man in my life, and the sex was like it was in some of the most romantic movies you have ever seen. (if you watch those things) I felt special and wanted and down right like a goddess. This mindset was incredible. I dressed different, I walked different, I became this confident woman. I found myself walking by other women and would see them whisper to their girlfriends. It didn’t matter to me, because they didn’t know. No one did, (of course people knew! I live in a small town, even the local cop, who is a woman and a friend, would see my car parked at his house late at night. That just screams booty call!) or at least that is what I told myself. And honestly if people did know I didn’t care, I was a single woman and he was a single man and we were happy. I was still a mom, a widow, and yes an older woman. But at night when I was with him, I was this alter ego and I loved every single second of it.
I wonder if this feeling that I had, that I’ve never had again, is what married people have when they have affairs. Or the feeling someone who is a secret addict has. Holy hell no wonder people do those things. It made life exciting and it made me feel alive. I am not trying to defend why people do those things, I’m just saying that the powerful feeling that comes with those actions can make one feel like a whole new person. If you do not like who you are it is one way to reinvent yourself. Please believe me I am not saying this is the right thing to do. No in fact it is the very way to lose everything you have. What I am saying is it could very well be the power of that secret that changed you.
Superhero or Villain?
As my therapist and I talked I began to wonder, can this superpower this amazing feeling be used for good? Or does it only feel good because you think you are getting away with something? Is that feeling one of a true Superhero or is it really a Villain that you are becoming? After all if the secret will eventually lead to someone getting hurt, then it is quite possible that you are indeed the Villain. Maybe not from your point of view, but to those around you, your spouse, children, and outside family members, you are indeed the villain. You don’t mean to hurt them, in fact you were probably the one hurting and just needed to feel good again. The reason doesn’t matter, villain is the title that gets handed to you.
As my therapist talked I began to wonder if there was a time when the feeling of being that Superhero and holding a secret didn’t involve hurting someone. Here is what I came up with. Fortunately there are times, you just have to be very aware of them and learn how to harness the power you get from those times. Let me list a few for you. Christmas, a surprise birthday, a surprise visit, a surprise anniversary party. Do you see the correlation? These things are still secrets. These secrets are fun to carry around to talk to others about that you can trust to keep that secret. They build suspense and excitement. The only difference with these secrets, is it is less likely to end up with someone getting hurt. We can create the same kind of feeling that I got from the toxic relationship, by focusing on good healthy things. Surprising someone you love does this. Let me explain.
Putting the Theory to Practice
After the toxic relationship was over, I spent time alone. When I did date again months later I wanted to see if I could recreate that very romantic very wild very exciting life again. Well the man that I was with had no idea. I decided to take him camping something we both love to do. Be out in nature and soak in the energy from being disconnected from everyone. I didn’t tell him what we were doing, I just told him to pack a bag for a couple of nights and to make sure that he had something warm to sleep in. When I pulled up to pick him up he lit up like a kid. Which in turn lit me up, that excitement that I was chasing was right there. That same feeling of this was going to be amazing carried us through the weekend and even during the next week and months after we talk about that one weekend being just one of our favorite memories we share. No we didn’t work out and the relationship recently fell completely apart. But I know why, because there was no secrets to share. So you see it does work for good. You just have to decide who you want to be. A Superhero or a Villain.
From now on, though, I know what I need and want out of a relationship. I want that feeling. The feeling of the secret of knowing what’s in the box before it is opened on Christmas morning. I want to learn how to create that same kind of power from a good secret that I got from what eventually was a toxic one. The answer was simple it all came down to mindset. When that toxic relationship started the secret was powerful, but in the end the secret became crushing and hurt. But if my mindset was the same in a healthy relationship, I could indeed harness that same ego boosting feeling. It’s all about the perspective that we have. What I believed was good was toxic and what I felt had become boring and dull just needed a secret to make it feel exciting again. That is the power of a secret. It is up to you to decide how to create that power and mindset.
-Dee
The Journey of a Lioness 