love – The Journey of a Lioness

It is so hard to believe that this year will mark five years since my life changed. It was a change that I didn’t know was coming. It was not easy, if you read my past blogs you will see that they reflect that long journey out of the trench that life threw me in. From losing my husband to finding myself. It has been a road of figuring out just exactly what God’s plan for my life was. I learned to be more self confident, I had to be more gentle with my own inter-talk. I am always kind to others, I had to learn to be kind to myself too. I had to learn that I am so much more stronger than I thought and once I tapped into the strength that God sent me, I have become a force.

I have also come to the conclusion that God has big plans for me. I just had to stop being so mad at him for taking my life and giving it a 90 degree turn. I was not ready for it, yet after closing my eyes and just holding on and letting go, God has seen me through. I look forward to this year, for last was such a hard one. Losing my mother-in-law was much like losing her son. She was a best friend, an advisor, and a cheerleader. I am a better person for loving her and knowing her and her son. I do my best to make her proud. I think she watches over me and is with me often. I find myself talking to her more than I talk to her son. He is one that I still struggle to speak to, if I try I just end up in a huge blubbery mess. He is not going to understand a single word though I am certain he knows my heart. He also knows that we speak of him often and celebrate him and his life. I also know that together they know, my heart. There is just no way of ever being ready to lose those we love so dearly. But when we lean on God, he does help us through.

This new year, will mark an amazing one I believe. I will finish my third book and hopefully maybe even the fourth. I seen a famous person talking the other day, I can’t say whom because I don’t have permission to say, but that person made a huge impact on me. The person talked about what our gift from God was, it was the one thing that we as an individual can do so easily without thinking about it. The person talked about having a passion knowing from a young age just exactly what they wanted to do. That person has done what they set out to do. Even though that journey was filled with the hardest obstacles that anyone could face. Don’t give up on God. Don’t let others take away from you what God has planned for you. The person said “If you woke up today, it’s because God hasn’t given you all that he has planned for you. Get up follow that passion and go out and work, and put the effort in so that God sees that you are ready for what he has planned for you.”

My passion has only ever been one thing, writing, story telling, teaching. All of these things are tied together. For me some of the best books in history tell amazing stories with Characters that we fall in love with, and a life lesson hidden deep in the lines that only jumps out at you at the very end. Even books with sad endings that leave tear stains on the fragile pages, they still teach a lesson. The books that we tend to remember so well are the ones that have a direct impact on how we see life or how we feel about something.

My life long dream was to write a book that changed someone’s life. That helped them out of darkness and into a place where they could wake up and be thankful for another day that they get to do what they are passionate about. If they are not doing it now then hopefully they wake up with the renewed spirit to continue to reach for what they are passionate for.

Passion drives this country. Without it we wouldn’t have the beautiful works of art that we have, or the modern medicine that now helps cure things we never thought possible. Think of the all the technology that is now at our fingertips, that wouldn’t be possible if someone didn’t wake up and pursue their passion and chase after what God had intended for them. I want all the good things that God intended for me. Even if it isn’t much more than what I already have.

Yes, five years ago our lives took that 90 degree turn, but even in the hardship I have to say that I am thankful to God for getting us through. Though we are heartbroken we are indeed blessed, and we are still here to chase after God and all the good he has intended for us.

I pray that this year if you do not know your passion that you too start the journey of finding it. Do a million little things you’ve never thought you would do, maybe something will click. Or maybe you just build up the courage to finally do the one thing you know in your heart you were made to do. That has been my biggest achievement the past year, learning how to have courage. I may still fight fear many days but I’m doing life afraid and learning that courage is right there where I didn’t know I had it.

This month is the most difficult month of the year for me. It is supposed to be the best month. You know the kids get out of school and summer is on the way. We are supposed to be looking forward to the long warm days and spending time outside. Yet a cloud hangs over us this month as the one year anniversary quickly rushes towards us. It is unlike anything that I know. All year I have wanted the days to just get over with. Yet now I am screaming to slam on the breaks. I’m not ready for this. Yet suddenly God shows up and once again and hope is on the horizon.

We must move forward in life. If we don’t then we miss out on things that God has planned for us. It wasn’t long after Ed passed when a friend I had met on line to help with my marathon training also lost her husband. He was much younger than Ed was and she is much younger than I am. I sat in stunned silence as I read about her loss. It killed me, but I knew what she was going through. I reached out to her and suddenly our bond over running became more. We were suddenly both part of a club that neither one of us wanted to be a part of. We have visited many times, both of us trying so hard to figure out what life is supposed to be now that it is no longer what we planned for it to be. It is nice to talk to someone who knows. I mean someone who woke up one day thinking life was perfect only to have our worlds come crashing to a halt.

Last night we talked about how we both miss being a wife. Yet what I am learning more and more is that while I miss being a wife, I am getting pretty dang good at being alone. We talked about staying busy to avoid the grief, but I told her that it doesn’t matter how busy you are the grief will catch up. Usually when you don’t want it to. So we might as well face it. People call us brave, and most of the time we don’t feel it. We are just trying to get down this path that was laid before us. We try to run down it, but it doesn’t help, it doesn’t lessen the pain it just makes us tired. The only thing that has helped with the pain is facing it. Letting it knock you down and you stand up and fight back and face it again. It is the only way.

Yet here it is almost summer and getting outside helps. It reminds us that life still moves forward and so should we. No matter how we want the clock to move, fast or slow, we must move with it. We have had some pretty cloudy mornings here, but the sun has shown by afternoon and warmed us up. That is like life, we will have times when it seems like the sun has disappeared and it will never shine again. Yet here we are, the sun is beginning to shine, because we have chosen to move forward.

I am reminded daily that I am not alone. I am loved by friends and family and on my worst nights there is always someone to talk to. So while the anniversary is barreling down the path, I am going to face it. It will come and it will go and I will make it out on the other side. Beaten, bruised, and maybe battered beyond recognition, but I will make it out on the other side. Twenty days to go.

Dee

Tag: love

Year Five

On Days When the Sun Shines……..