god – The Journey of a Lioness

Love, Life, and New Beginnings: A Personal Story

Manifestation works…..I believe it does…..why because my life is changing a lot. I am leaving a very good job. For one that is completely different. I’m excited and I believe it will be a good thing. The really fun part has been not telling anyone where it is I am going. While I love where I work there are just somethings that I want to do and where I am I will never get to. The problem with working for someone who thinks they know all of your capabilities, and who doesn’t take the time to ask what you have been learning and then puts that to use. So I am taking a huge risk and moving to a company that I can’t wait to work for. Yet to protect myself from some retaliation, and yes that would happen for reasons I won’t go into just now. Maybe later but know it would happen. So to protect myself I wrote it into my contract that I had two stipulations to my acceptance of the position. Those being that at no time could the terms of my offer be revealed to anyone who currently or in the future works for or is associated with my current employer. The second is that the announcement that I have accepted the position publicly could not be made until after my first day of work. I explained that the only information that will be afforded to my current employer would be that I have had an offer made that they cannot match nor can I let the opportunity simply pass by.

Extreme? Maybe but it has also granted me this amazing feeling of power. It clearly states that I do not want a counter offer from my current employer. I did give a two week notice and I have worked hard the past week and a half. The first week writing a training manual and the second training the new girl. This second week I have hardly worked but let her come in and fully just dive in. This is costing them an arm and a leg as she makes almost what I do. How funny. She is brilliant and should do well here. As long as she doesn’t crumble under the work load. Right now I am caught up and I am doing great. That helps her, when the company does a large hire she will feel the pressure that starts with this job. It is a good job and I think she will fit here nicely!

My new position? Let’s just say I think i am going to get a lot of writing done. Not only here on my blog, but also episodes for my podcast and finally for my book. I am so looking forward to the future. Will it be different? Yes, but more importantly it will be me chasing dreams. That is all that matters here in the “Year of Dee”.

The Year of Dee

Back in the new year when things were so up in the air for me. When I realized that I was in love with my best friend. Dave is still just as amazing as ever. When I told him I was leaving he was so happy for me. He really wanted me to just walk out and say see ya! But that is not who I am. He keeps me laughing. Then one night the day after I put my notice in I had a thought strike me. I had realized that I had just purchased tires for my son’s truck from the current company and put them on a payment plan. They were going to expect that to be paid in full when I leave. Talk about having a panic attack! It would take my whole check to pay for those. Dave asks me how much? I tell him, and his reply is simply I will see you tomorrow.

Now before you all swoon, because yes that is a moment to swoon! You should know that I have helped Dave a lot, and sometimes often. Enough to know that if he were to pay me back it would cover what the tires are. I help Dave because I always had the faith that he would indeed pay it back. He did exactly that in a spectacular way. By showing up the very next day at my work with the cash in hand and more than happy to pay them off. I loved him so much for the text that I got as he left my work. He says “Man I should have kissed the hell out of you. You know those girls were watching out the windows when you came out here! That would have given them a LOT to talk about!” I actually laughed out loud.

Here lately I feel like for the first time in my life I am finally the star of the show! I am doing what I need to for me. I am no longer waiting on someone to give me approval for anything. In fact if you all are following the “Saga” of me being in love with my best friend then you are going to love this.

The other night I was struggling. I will be periodically from now until the end of May. Why? Well May is when not only Ed but his mom both passed. With in the same week. It gets a little dark for me, and I withdraw. So the other night I was struggling. I just needed to feel loved. So I sent a text to Dave. “I love you. I know you don’t really want me to say that to you. But tonight, I just needed to tell someone that I loved them and know it matters.” To which he replies “I love you too.” Then after a few minutes he also says, “You know I have never told Princess that.” I was stunned. “Not once?” was my reply. “Not once in 15 years?” his reply. “No.”

This just flabbergasted me. I thought about it for a bit then ask, and no I couldn’t stop myself I had to ask. “Have you not because you are afraid that she will say it back and mean it? Or are you afraid she will just not say anything?” Just so you know he didn’t answer back at all. Maybe he is still thinking about it. Yet here I am saying it without a care. Here is a question for all of you to jump in on. Lets get what you think in on here and see if you have a perspective that I don’t. Here is the question: What if Dave was raised in a family that never says I love you. I was raised in a family that said it all the time. I grew up knowing I was loved. My children grew up in a family that know they are loved, and they heard their parents say I love you to each other often. But what if Dave didn’t. What if he hasn’t said it because it is not something he has actually ever said? To anyone! Now as you know he has said it to me twice. But I also know that it was said out of a best friend’s love. Not out of the romantic love. But what if, now just hear me out, what if I have came into his life to teach him how to freely say I love you? I mean look at all he has done for me!

Dave has taught me to see my own worth, to chase dreams, was truly the first person to give me permission to miss my husband, and to freely still love him even though he is gone. Because of Dave the bar of the kind of man I want to date has been risen and boundaries set in my expectations of how a man treats me. All because of Dave. What if that circle is complete when he gets use to hearing and saying I love you? So that he could finally say it to Princess. So that maybe just once Dave can finally have the love of his life. Wouldn’t that be how the Hall Mark move would end? Where he could finally tell the love of his life that he loved her. The end credits would be rolling over the wedding of the two. With his best friend standing by his side truly happy for him and her?

Tell me what do you think? This life is always changing and yet I have found a way to be happy.

Want to know more? Keep watching why? Because you may have forgotten that the man that I’ve had the biggest crush on is now single and texting me! Also what I haven’t yet gone into details about an old best guy friend has now reconnected and in the last two days we have talked for a total of nine hours!!! Yup life here is always changing and new characters are always being introduced. I hope you let me know what you think. I hope that in some weird way I’m right. I am always cheering for my friends and Dave deserves the love of his life. Just like I do.

-Dee

Transforming Vibration: My Journey to Connection

I am not what most people define as “normal”. I am not a TV watcher, or a social media connoisseur. I mean I have most of the popular apps. But my participation in those apps is more like a ghost standing in the background. Watching everyone else live while I just try to breathe. A friend shared a video about how our body vibrates. And the way we speak to ourselves makes a huge difference in those vibrations. I have seen and heard many videos on this topic. The more I watched the more I began to wonder. Is there truth behind all the talk? Then I realized that was all it was, talk. Hours of videos with claims on how to change your perception your place in life and even your finical situation all by simply “thinking” the right way. There are so many names for it, meditation, manifesting, gratitude focus. All seem too simple to do. Yet, there were not really answers on how to do them. Most say oh just buy this app or pay for this subscription or “master class” and you will have it all at your fingertips. My intuition screamed one thing, it is never that simple or easy and why is the person who is “teaching” the class not the one “teaching” the skill required to accomplish the “dream”. It just feels like someone selling snake oil.

My Hesitation

Snake Oil. The cunning good looking man or woman who claims just one sip will cure all your ailments. Honestly that is what those videos seem to be. Of course their life changed. They are making millions selling the solutions to everyone’s problems. Yet the logical Capricorn part of me screams “if that really was the true cure, why isn’t everyone cured already?” So please pardon me if I don’t jump on your van wagon. Don’t worry there are only hundreds more wagons coming along, but I’m not going to jump on those either….Or so I thought.

The thing about a Capricorn, is we are curious and we love to learn. And that curiosity is what could be the death or maybe the life of me. No I didn’t pay for the class, or joined the APP. But I did watch all the videos and inferred the gist of them. That gist? Move. Put action to your ideas, stop letting negative thoughts control me. Like constantly telling myself “I feel so alone.” What is the cure for being alone? Making friends.

Time to Experiment

I love sitting outside by my fire pit and reading a book or just watching the stars and listening to music. I would tell myself that “this is how I recharge for the next day.” Yet after listening to some of these “new mindset” videos, I began to question do I really feel recharged after that? I mean I had yet to feel the energy that the people in the videos were talking about. Sitting alone just increased the feeling of being lonely. Not talking to anyone all day at work then not talking all night increased that feeling of lonely. I realized it is the stair steps down to the pit of depression.

So what could I do? It was time to do some experiments. Remember I am an introvert, so just inviting people over is not in my comfort zone. So I began to look on some social media apps. I will not say which one I landed on but I ended up in a small group chat. Talking about the very thing I had been researching. Our inner vibrations our energies. We talked about what we believed and got a little into some personal details. Suddenly logging in at the end of my day has become what I look forward to! I set a time limit for myself and have done nothing but the past few days but end my day with laughter, people who encourage each other to reach goals and feeling that genuine emotion of not being lonely.

The next part of the experiment was to pay more attention to your environment. I work hard to keep my home clean and friendly feeling. This helps me wake up with joy. My home is my sanctuary and it feels safe and peaceful. So if someone just stops by, it doesn’t cause stress. It is a joy to share my home.

I also started paying attention to the outside environment. For instance, when I go into a store, does it suddenly seem like a lot of people come in after me? Now this is where a positive mindset comes in. The focusing in on being me and knowing I am a good kind person and believing that people are drawn to that. The result, I noticed it many times, I would be the only person that would be in the parking lot. I would go in and not long later I would run into six different people all who came in after me. Now I know I live in a small town and this could just be coincidence. So more experimentation is required but I did easily notice it.

The Results So Far

I am just starting this experiment, yet the last two days there is a difference in me. The first one I have noticed is a negative one. I tend to spend way more time on my phone right before I go to sleep. This has disrupted my sleep tremendously. I can fall asleep easily but staying asleep lately has been a huge challenge and I end up wide awake for at least two hours in the middle of the night death scrolling on my phone.

The solution? I am going to have to join the conversation way earlier, instead of right before I go to sleep. That way I can have that hour before sleep without the blue light. I am hoping that fixes the issue.

The next change has been in me. I can tell I vibrate differently. That feeling that those videos talked about. I believe I found it. I am making friends outside of work and outside of a “serious relationship”. I am learning to just listen, to laugh with others and in some way not take life so seriously. This has changed my vibration. I feel excited for my day and I look forward to the evenings. These people let me be who I am and that creates this excitement of what is going to be said tonight! It actually did not really come to me until the past two days that I feel different.

I finally understand what these experts were talking about “vibrating differently.” Because I feel this crazy excitement about my day. I stepped out and I got out of my comfort zone and I connected with perfect strangers. Suddenly I feel like I can do anything and taking that leap has paid off. Yes it has cost some sleep but I know the solution to that and have a plan in place. Now alone or in a group, I feel alive. So I am stepping out and starting the next journey. Time to write and time to start that podcast that I have been dreaming of. Time to leap!

-Dee

PS: Just one question. Have you ever tried something like this? Did it redefine you or did it just help bring out who you really are? I can’t wait to hear!

Year Five

It is so hard to believe that this year will mark five years since my life changed. It was a change that I didn’t know was coming. It was not easy, if you read my past blogs you will see that they reflect that long journey out of the trench that life threw me in. From losing my husband to finding myself. It has been a road of figuring out just exactly what God’s plan for my life was. I learned to be more self confident, I had to be more gentle with my own inter-talk. I am always kind to others, I had to learn to be kind to myself too. I had to learn that I am so much more stronger than I thought and once I tapped into the strength that God sent me, I have become a force.

I have also come to the conclusion that God has big plans for me. I just had to stop being so mad at him for taking my life and giving it a 90 degree turn. I was not ready for it, yet after closing my eyes and just holding on and letting go, God has seen me through. I look forward to this year, for last was such a hard one. Losing my mother-in-law was much like losing her son. She was a best friend, an advisor, and a cheerleader. I am a better person for loving her and knowing her and her son. I do my best to make her proud. I think she watches over me and is with me often. I find myself talking to her more than I talk to her son. He is one that I still struggle to speak to, if I try I just end up in a huge blubbery mess. He is not going to understand a single word though I am certain he knows my heart. He also knows that we speak of him often and celebrate him and his life. I also know that together they know, my heart. There is just no way of ever being ready to lose those we love so dearly. But when we lean on God, he does help us through.

This new year, will mark an amazing one I believe. I will finish my third book and hopefully maybe even the fourth. I seen a famous person talking the other day, I can’t say whom because I don’t have permission to say, but that person made a huge impact on me. The person talked about what our gift from God was, it was the one thing that we as an individual can do so easily without thinking about it. The person talked about having a passion knowing from a young age just exactly what they wanted to do. That person has done what they set out to do. Even though that journey was filled with the hardest obstacles that anyone could face. Don’t give up on God. Don’t let others take away from you what God has planned for you. The person said “If you woke up today, it’s because God hasn’t given you all that he has planned for you. Get up follow that passion and go out and work, and put the effort in so that God sees that you are ready for what he has planned for you.”

My passion has only ever been one thing, writing, story telling, teaching. All of these things are tied together. For me some of the best books in history tell amazing stories with Characters that we fall in love with, and a life lesson hidden deep in the lines that only jumps out at you at the very end. Even books with sad endings that leave tear stains on the fragile pages, they still teach a lesson. The books that we tend to remember so well are the ones that have a direct impact on how we see life or how we feel about something.

My life long dream was to write a book that changed someone’s life. That helped them out of darkness and into a place where they could wake up and be thankful for another day that they get to do what they are passionate about. If they are not doing it now then hopefully they wake up with the renewed spirit to continue to reach for what they are passionate for.

Passion drives this country. Without it we wouldn’t have the beautiful works of art that we have, or the modern medicine that now helps cure things we never thought possible. Think of the all the technology that is now at our fingertips, that wouldn’t be possible if someone didn’t wake up and pursue their passion and chase after what God had intended for them. I want all the good things that God intended for me. Even if it isn’t much more than what I already have.

Yes, five years ago our lives took that 90 degree turn, but even in the hardship I have to say that I am thankful to God for getting us through. Though we are heartbroken we are indeed blessed, and we are still here to chase after God and all the good he has intended for us.

I pray that this year if you do not know your passion that you too start the journey of finding it. Do a million little things you’ve never thought you would do, maybe something will click. Or maybe you just build up the courage to finally do the one thing you know in your heart you were made to do. That has been my biggest achievement the past year, learning how to have courage. I may still fight fear many days but I’m doing life afraid and learning that courage is right there where I didn’t know I had it.