Moving Forward

In my last post, I talked about my experimenting with getting out of my comfort zone and learning how to find my meaning. Let me tell you wow, just wow. One of the first things that I have learned was so alarming. Did you know it is okay to go out on a school night? Yup you really just read that. There are two schools of thought here. The first is how could you not know that! The other is Wait what! You go out on a school night! Can you guess which school of thought I was? If you thought the second, you would be right. As an adult I can count on one hand how many times I have taken my kids somewhere on a school night that wasn’t school related. You just don’t do that! You have to have a schedule and your kids need rest and being in bed on time is so important. And while that is true to an extent, I have learned that there is nothing wrong with going out on a school night, within reason. Let me explain.

As most of you know my son is on the football team. Each week they designate one day where they go out and have dinner together. This has been a good tradition and it builds relationships outside of school and off of the football field. Yet, for this mom it brought a huge uncomfortable feeling on. As I drove my son to the first dinner my insides were screaming “we need to be at home! This is not right, we have to be in bed on time. What if this messes up our whole schedule?” These thoughts came rushing around a lot. To work though that I have to tell myself, “There is no rule anywhere that says we can’t do this.” I would keep telling myself, “you are the adult, if you say this is okay then it is okay!” It took a few of these trips before those thoughts and the feeling of doing something wrong to go away. I had to learn how to be comfortable in being uncomfortable. While I enjoyed the time with my son, the trip did wear us out. Okay it wore me out. It didn’t take long for me to let go of that anxiety and be okay with my son riding with someone else. Letting go. Learning to give my son his independence and hoping that he makes good decisions while he is out. This has been so good for me. Yes, I have to adjust and really get used to being comfortable with being uncomfortable. What I have found is something really sweet, I have found me time. This wonderful mysterious time that I have heard other mothers talk about but haven’t really experienced.

After a few weeks, I finally said “just ride with someone,”. I went home and crashed. I slept until he walked in the door just a few hours later. I could have done a million things that I tell myself there isn’t time to do. Time to take care of me. This is a new experience for me, but let me tell you what, it didn’t take me very long to fall in love with it. These nights I go for long walks, or take a long shower. I have done things like paint my toe nails, read a book, and now I am writing. Things that I love to do that I don’t normally take the time to. Now all of the sudden going out on a school night is very much okay with me. Of course not all the time, but every once in a while it is okay.

So, while I know that I am supposed to be learning how to make friends, I am first and foremost getting reacquainted with myself. I am doing the things that I love to do. I am taking the time to write and step into the person I want to be. This has brought some amazing energy into my life. I am truly finding my peace and happiness. That feels good. Instead of reaching out to try to connect with someone else I sit in the uncomfortable and connect with me. I am trying to learn about myself. You know the whole “what kind of eggs do I like” kind of things.

In the end I am trying to learn how to what the professionals call “self sooth”. I try not to listen to all the people out there because for me too many voices just cause confusion. So I need to listen to the one voice that matters most. My own. This is the one voice that I have tended to ignore. Why? People pleasing of course. Yet I am learning to listen more to that voice and less to the outside world. So while I am pushing myself to be more out going and meet new people, I am also learning how to meet and love myself.