Waking up happy……

Very soon six years will have passed since I’ve lost my husband. The healing that has been done in those years has been has been a very hard thing to do. I have tried relationships that I wasn’t ready for. I had relationships that I thought I could handle but realized that they were not what I wanted. I was this huge stone of a human with my mind made up on how things should be only to learn that to get where I want to be, some of that stone had to be removed. Carving myself into who I want to be has been hard work and it has taken hours to carve out the things I believed were strict truth and realized that it was only when I let go of those so called truths I was able to grow.

I am a new creation and it has not been to find its beautiful results. Yet in the end I can step back and say, I love who I am now. I used to fear being alone, and I still am not a fan of it, I am no longer afraid of it. I had to learn how to look towards the future and look forward to it. To see the unknown not as something to fear but to embrace and find hope in. It is the oddest of things to look at something so unknown and see it as hope. It goes against all we are taught. We are taught to look for the steady, the boring, the safe things so that we don’t get hurt. Yet the scars that I have now, they are from the chisel that has carved away the fear and found the hope.

No I am not where I thought I would be, I am still single yet, I don’t fear being alone. What’s more important is I have learned how to simply be happy. How to be a real friend and how to be that person someone can count on. No longer looking for the people who can help me, but who can I help? That is where I have found real happiness, being for others that I need. Even more is showing up for myself. Keeping promises I’ve made to myself, taking care of that kid that fears being left yet again. No I no longer fear being left, because I never want to hold someone captive because they fear hurting me. I would rather be with someone who wants to be with me than someone who just settles for me. I deserve more and so do they.

Don’t Wait, Go……..

Go. I’ve learned to just go. Buy the tickets go see the event I want to see. Because we only get one life and it is way to short to “wait til next time.” Go, do, dream and chase. That is what chasing life looks like. That is the very thing that I have learned. Not chasing men, or a feeling, but life. That is the one thing that lately has made me happy. Going to games with my kids and getting out of the house. Going out by myself and trying to meet people. That’s what I’m doing. It isn’t always fearless, but I do it afraid and so far, I have yet to regret anything. I’ve made friends I never thought and found joy in things that make me look forward to the future. I have grown and I have chipped away the parts of me that only revealed something so much more beautiful. The real me the soul of a woman who is kind and supportive and someone who can count on herself not waiting for the hero to show up. Because she has found the way to save herself.

Being alone is still hard and crawling into bed alone isn’t always fun. Missing someone who gathers you up in their arms telling you its all going to be okay. That is a real thing. Yet one day maybe the things I used to fear will no longer feel so scary. And crawling into those arms in a bed will be more about finding love there than finding someone who is just willing to be there. That is what I deserve. Happiness is finding something so much more deeper than a feeling of I like being around you. Its knowing that someone wants to be there. Who wants to wake up next to me and who knows without a doubt that they don’t want to wake up anywhere else. And maybe that isn’t something in the future for me but I’m going to bet that it is, I just have to waiting for it and him to show up. Each day is the day it could happen and that is the hope that I carry with me. I won’t give up.