Lesson Learned……

If there was an award given for the worst choices made in love, I am pretty sure that I would win that. No I have only been married once, but as my followers know he has passed. Since then I have fallen for the young guy, the addict, the bad boy, I’ve been cat fished, and fallen for my best friend. If I had a batting average I would be batting 1000. And while I’ve hit a few triples, never a home run. Never finding that person who would love me the same. Not the same as my husband, but how I love. Or how I feel I need to be loved.

Of course I understand that every single person loves differently and no one will love the way I do. Yet I have yet to find someone who is willing to show he wants me. Who has the ability to love and not use. So I am waving the white flag. I give up. There is no one for me. I am just done. I knew last week that I was done. When I felt so happy and good with life when a very odd text came to my phone. From someone I use to know. We go on this amazing date. Once again though it is not what I wanted. I drove to pick him up, I paid for the dinner, I made the plans and then after getting swept up in all the feelings. I learned the truth. Yet again a man with no job, no car, no potential, just a house of four kids and nothing to offer. I am angry at myself and also proud of myself.

I’m angry because I let someone push me into something without saying stop. I let someone get me swept up in their emotions. All the while my inner self is screaming “STOP! You can’t love me! You don’t know me.” Then when I did say those things out loud he refused to listen. I waited days to finally say, “No” no you can’t love me the way you claim you do. And I don’t love you because I don’t know you. And I certainly can’t be who and what you want me to be. So I broke it off. I said no more, and while I want to say I broke someone’s heart the truth is you can’t be with someone for four days and be so deeply in love that you are thinking straight enough to make a life long commitment. I’ve learned love is different. It isn’t that butterfly feeling, it is deeper. It is having respect for someone as a person. It is learning how to be there for them come hell or high water. That is love. That is dedication and it is what I want to have with someone.

The weekend spent with him was awful it brought back trauma from when I was a child. The fear of a man who loses his temper with little provocation. Yet the new Dee showed up. That is what I am so proud of, as I heard from my head all weekend, this will not work. My heart for once didn’t win the battle between what feels good and what is real. My head did. My head said I have broken that curse it ended with me and I will not let that into my home. The walking on eggshells the yelling and crushing of the spirit because it is different. No I will not allow that in my life. My head won, my heart while so sad and crushed because he was a beautiful man, did not. I am paying the price for that now, the ache the sorrow and belief that there just isn’t someone for me anymore. Which hits so hard, but my heart isn’t broken, just bruised by the knowledge that I’m giving up. I’m truly just done.

It is crazy a week ago, I was so happy. I was happy alone and smiled all the time. But the truth is I’ve known it all along. I am in love with my best friend and he will never feel the same way about me. I have to not just lose my best friend I have to truly walk away from it all. Lose it all again so that if the real thing ever truly happens I will be opened and ready for it. I will spend a few days in bed reading finding ways to connect to others. And learning to let go of the hope of someone.

Bullsh#%…..this is not right…..

He is my best friend. He is the reason I smile every damn day. I am not giving up until he tells me he is marring someone else. I have worked and waited all my life to have a best friend like him. Not just a lover but a love that goes deeper than the surface. To get to be the person who always answers, who drops everything and says I’ve got you. That is what I do for him and what he does for me. You can love your friends right? We have both said it. “Love ya.” And meant it. I’m not giving that up. I may give up on finding love the romantic kind, but I refuse to give up on having someone who gives a damn. That is me and Dave and I know many people will never understand it. They won’t because they don’t know Dave like I know him. They don’t know the person behind the mask that he puts out there. I know him, I will not be just another person who walked away from what he offers. Joy. He is the very thing he said he wanted to be for me. My joy. The one thing I feel like I’m actually winning.

Others may get jealous, some may even get hurt. But I refuse to give up the best thing that has happened to me since Ed passed. Life is full of ups and downs with my best friend we have been through both together and alone, but I’m not letting him go. You don’t push people away because you make a mistake, or because you are hurt. That is when you do what Dave does. You show up and make damn sure they are okay. I will hold onto that and him as long as he lets me. Being someone’s joy. I’m learning how to do and be that. He has taught me so much mostly to see the human side of this journey. He is truly an angle in disguise. And you don’t turn them away you embrace them and show them the love that we are all made of.

-Dee