I don’t even know where to start this but it feels like the saga continues. Last night I had a friend reach out to me upset because he and his long term girlfriend broke up. My heart went out to him. I had talked to him a while back ago and knew things had been going pretty rough. It’s crazy because for some reason when he showed up at my house that night his feelings were all over the place. He just wanted someone to connect to. At that time I had just broken up with Mat and I was in a dark place. But I had made up my mind then that I needed a year alone. It actually felt like the universe was testing me. You set a goal, here is a temptation, will you take the bait. I didn’t. I couldn’t be the woman he was looking for. Now, I have surpassed the woman he even knew I could become. I have become this woman who is so self assured. I know now what is important to me and I know how to get what I want.
The biggest thing that has changed about me is the fact I am beginning to see my own worth and I know that I don’t need anyone’s permission to live or to love. All my life I had dreamed of freedom and I am so close to that freedom. I refuse to go back. I have learned that a relationship should not be built on how well I can serve someone but how can I build a relationship that feels like a team. What happens then is the change of my mindset when I meet someone new or when I talk to someone new. It has gone from saying, I know how to be a supportive partner. To I understand what you are saying and I’m sorry you have not found that person yet. You see what the change was there?
The change went from telling myself that I could be what they need or want if they would just choose me. To thinking, I understand you know what your needs are, but I am not willing to jump into that role unless I feel like I have been chosen first. So now I can offer friendship. Does that scare me a bit you bet your little bottom it does. Why because what if I say just friends and then someone I could really connect with walks away because he is looking for something more. In the end what I have learned is if they are really interested then a man will make it quite clear he wants more than just friendship. So I have to set myself up for that. And wait for the one who is clearly looking for what I am.
This may not be the best plan but it is the one I have. It seems the best one for me and protecting my heart. The mindset of not every guy is the “guy” and in the end it’s less pressure. Like I don’t have to like what they do, I don’t have to talk to them and I certainly don’t have to answer any text or message unless I want to. Finding that freedom that at some of my darkest married moments I envisioned. Why would I give that up to just anyone? No I don’t think I will.
I sat up most of the night talking to this guy I’ll call him Chad. Chad talked about the last year of his relationship. Where it all seemed to start going down hill. He talked about the moment when he knew it wasn’t going to last. He talked about some very private things. Things that he brought up that actually slapped me in the face and woke me up. Things that happened to him that I am ashamed that I did to Mat. At first I hated myself but then I also realized while the thing is similar, it is two different situations. Let me explain and use myself and Mat as the example so that I can protect “Chad” as I do not want to reveal “Chad’s” personal life. My own example should be enough for you to get my point.
When Mat and I were together and he was sober he would always ask, do you need some money to help pay for bills. At first I would say yes two hundred dollars or so. He would say okay then when he would get paid he would “forget” about the conversation. Or he would have an excuse for not having that much this pay check. So eventually I just started saying no. It put a lot of stress on me to pay all the bills with little to no help at all. Yet each time he would ask I would say nope I’m good. Even if it was a lie, why? Because his reaction of when I did say yes and when he couldn’t provide what I needed I would become angry. I would call my sisters and complain and they would tell me “make him.” I didn’t. I truly felt like it was my home, my bills my responsibility.
It became one of the reasons that I ended it. That is my side of the story…now let me tell you what that looks like from a man’s point of view. Someone who is kind of like Mat but not. Let me try to tell it as best as I can from “Chad’s” and maybe even Mat’s perspective. While I didn’t come out and say they are my bills because it’s my home, it was something I did say to my sisters when we talked about the issues I was having. When I started saying no I don’t need anything and stopped asking. I wonder if he began to feel like he was a guest instead of feeling at home. Yet there is a difference between Mat and “Chad”. Because Mat’s response was kept mostly in secret, “Chad’s” girlfriend would talk about it in front of all his friends. She would brag about not needing him. When “Chad” told me this I was divested for him. I can’t imagine how embarrassing that had to have been. What a way to emasculate him. I couldn’t imagine what that would feel like. Then I felt awful because I wonder how Mat felt. Did he feel the same way? If he did why didn’t he feel like he could tell me that?
A part of me thinks well he really didn’t want to help, because he only asked every once in a while. And the look of relief on his face when I said no was so obvious. It is hard to imagine that it is the same as “Chad” and his girlfriend. But I could totally be wrong and that is exactly what it did. If that is the case I truly feel sorry for doing that.
One conversation with someone I used to know has truly opened my eyes on some amazing things. I am so grateful for that conversation. I haven’t really heard from him since, but that doesn’t matter because I’ve learned something and that is always a good thing.
Every day I’m growing and I am happy.
-Dee
The Journey of a Lioness 