The Saga Continues…….
I have realized that the more I share the wild crazy stories that actually happen to me, the more people actually read my blog. I guess the struggle of finding true love and the fact that I am secretly in love with my best friend is very entertaining. Or maybe just real. My life is far from perfect. It is a mess and you know what? I love it. I love my messy crazy life. Because all this time I’m trying to feel like I’m living. That solution was simple, make friends, go out, take risks, these things are what help make me feel alive. No I’m not talking about romantic but real friendships.
While most of my current friendships are all men, you have to remember that I am more comfortable being “one of the guys” than I am being one of the princesses. And let me tell you men have taught me so damn much. Women want to talk about their health, what men are not doing for them, their emotional needs not being met, how tired they are. Men talk about funny stuff, they laugh and joke with each other and they just don’t take life so serious. They have to be serious at work they just want to relax and be happy when they are not at work. And I happen to agree with them I don’t want to be serious, I want to laugh and enjoy life.
Chapter ONE
Not long ago I talked about “Chad” the guy who just broke up with his long term girl friend. Well it must be something about this year because he isn’t the only one of many that I have learned of. All long term and all I truly thought well he is off the market for good when they got together. I was wrong. I never want to support the breakup of a long term relationship as I know how hard it is to even get in one.
But if I’m going to tell this tale then I have to start at the beginning. Because “Chad” is someone special and I hardly know him, but I do know something. If God said I could have a chance with him but I had to be patience and not push. I will work on that patience like it is a full time job. He to me is worth that wait. The old me says “But what if he never gives you a shot!” The new me says “If it is meant for me he will come to me.” Even if it is not him the right man will indeed come into my life without me doing anything. In the mean time being friends with someone has taught me that you are always going to learn something from someone as long as you are open to learn.
I met “Chad” about nine months after Ed passed away. A friend and I as you know went to Vegas all those years ago. (It seems like just yesterday.) We both got jobs bar tending to make extra so that we could pay for the plane tickets. That is where I met “Chad” he was this breath of excitement and air for me. He was heading to a concert and I decided that I was going to go too. So I bought a ticket and went. It was an amazing concert and while my seat was no where near his I ended the night standing right next to him. Which I have to say really ticked some very pretty very young women off. As they were enjoying hitting on him and his buddy.
Then I show up and squeeze between the two and suddenly they are not paying attention to the young women at all. There we are our arms around each other singing at the top of our lungs and those moments were the first time I got of glimpse of happiness after Ed passed. I have never had so much damn fun at a concert. Yes Bon-Jovi was amazing. But Fun? Fun was this concert with these two long time friends. It brought me back to my youth so fast and I didn’t even realize it at the time. Why because I grew up “little sister” to a lot of guys. Not quite the girl to date but the girl who was gonna hang out and be cool about it. That was exactly the way I met Ed. There I was again just the “little sister” no expectations but being in the moment. Living.
Oh my dear friends when the thing you want hits you in the face and you didn’t see it! I bet my guardian angle was like “God please help me she is not paying attention!” God was like “sorry dude she thinks she likes this young guy, looks like we are going the long way around.” Who knows!
Back to the story…lol sorry. As he and I talked and shared music and our lives suddenly I was keeping score for his co-ed softball team. Again I didn’t see it. Even after the following happened. One time I sat frozen in my lawn chair at yet another softball game. Because I had sent him a song that no one really knew, I had certainly never heard it before. But I instantly connected to it. There it was playing on his phone. Oh how I couldn’t move I asked myself could it mean anything? I searched for his face but I never found it until the song was long over. A missed chance? Maybe, later that night I got a text from the young guy and I walked away. I suck and I know it people. Probably the biggest mistake I made….but the truth is this. I am a very different woman now than I was then, and some how I think I am a much better woman. Which means the long way around is what had to happen.
Maybe just maybe we both had journeys to take. Him to find then lose something, and me to find myself too.
My favorite memory of him was one night I lied to him so that he would give me a ride home from the bar. “I’ve had too much to drink will you give me a ride home?” I climbed onto the back of his motorcycle and he took me for a ride. Something I had been teasing him about for weeks. On one side of us a beautiful starry night and the other side, a summer storm off in the distance. Lightening and the smell of rain on the touch of a breeze. I wrapped my arms around him and tried to absorbed it all in. Then he dropped me off and kissed me. It felt so good to be kissed like that, but it also scared the hell out of me. And I walked away. We have established that I am an idiot right? Look I am not saying this guy is the “one” what I am saying is just maybe if I would have some patience and not try to rush anything then maybe both of us wouldn’t have had to go through such traumatic relationships.
Chapter Two?
Not this time people. This time I have something that few people have. I have a superpower. Happiness. I know that my happiness is not in a person. It is in me. It is even in a very specific spot. Out by the fire pit that my kids and I built. Laying on my little outdoor furniture couch soaking in the sun with a fire going. Day or night, there that very spot with nothing more than music and peace. There is where I am happy. It is so set within my soul that I can close my eyes and feel the sun shinning on my face and my skin. I can feel the warmth of the fire warming up my feet. It is the perfect place in my mind. It took me months to know to look for it and even more months to find it.
That is the journey that “Chad” is on now. Getting back to or finally finding the place where he is happy. Not happy with someone but happy from within. That is why we are attracted to people. They seem to have something we want. The true attraction I believe is finding someone who is happy within. And wanting that and even if we don’t have it just being close to it we seem to think that we will find it. The truth is we all have to take this journey, sometimes multiple times in our lives. But I am telling you, after walking this journey for six years and finally finding it. Every single step, every let down, heartbreak, and tear was worth it. Because now it is my eyes that sparkle when I’m laughing and having fun. Now I am the fresh air of laughter and fun that he could quite possibly need.
So the story continues and instead of trying to rush to the end. I am enjoying the beginning again. The flirting on the phone the kidding around knowing somewhere in the back of our minds we are not kidding we just have to find the place of trust. I can be what Dave has taught me to be. Consistent. There when I’m needed without asking for anything in return. I have learned how to be a friend. To listen and support and mostly not push anything. If you think this sounds crazy? Four years Dave has done that. One night when things got too intense we both gave in and an amazing night happened. I would never trade that night for anything. No we are not some long term lovers, but we are two people who do love each other.
Do you see it people? I have gone from being the side kick character in the story to the main character in my life. Welcome to living. I have found it.
-Dee
The Journey of a Lioness 