Introducing a New Character to the Saga……
I would like to introduce you, all whom have been keeping up on the Saga, to the newest character to come into my life. I will call him Jo. Jo is someone that I worked with many years ago. If you have consistently read my blog I have mentioned him maybe one other time. He was part of the group of guys who saved my life once after a terrible breakup. This man has had his own share of heartbreak and loss. I won’t go into detail because you all know that I try to protect the identity of my close friends. Just know his loss was a terrible and tragic one.
Jo is the kind of guy that just comes and goes out of your life. He is a gypsy and moves around a lot. Chasing happiness. For a long while he disappeared from my life. But suddenly he just showed back up. With the same kind of love and support that he always gives. With his signature sign off of “always light and love.” He really does mean that. Jo is the kind of man that has this higher understanding of what emotional intelligence is and loves to talk about connecting to the universe. We started texting about a week ago and finally I had to say. “Can I please just call you because this will take forever to type out!”
“Of course you can!” was his response. Then we proceed to talk for six hours. In the past week we have clocked over thirteen hours on the phone. Just talking about finding ourselves again. He having just gone through a break up much like “Chad” has. We talk…..okay he talks about the breakup and a little about where it went wrong. I know we will eventually get to the heavy stuff but now it stays light. According to him he says that it wouldn’t be fair to add his stuff to my plate. I have heard that many times. I use to say things like “my plate is not full!” The truth to that is, it is full. Full with my own heartaches and while I’m working on healing, it takes time. Its not that I can’t listen and encourage and just be there for him like I was for “Chad”. I can, what I can’t do is get emotionally or romantically attached. Remember, I’m working on transforming my attachment style. No causing more anxiety by adding to the list of people I feel like I need to hear from daily. That would be counter intuitive.
Our Talks are deep…..
“I think I have a gift.” I explain to him. “For some reason I am the sound board for not just you but also for others. In the last few months it has been at least two others. Now don’t get me wrong, neither one of those guys has any kind of romantic feelings for me. But I am a safe place for them. I am the woman that sits there in the pain of loss with them. Yet because I have felt deep loss, their loss doesn’t affect me. I can sit there and listen to the hurt and heartache and just let it wash over me. Let it flood out of them and there I am to guide it to the universe and ask the questions they may not want to ask themselves.” If you are reading the Saga, you know I am talking about Chad and Dave. I am there to just listen and not judge. Then of course to make them feel better. I don’t know how I do it. But if I could explain it, it would be like an exchange of energy. No I am not talking about sex. I am talking about this crazy feeling I have after such a talk. Like pure exhaustion. And many times I have been told “God it has been so nice to finally talk to someone about real things. I haven’t talked this long in a long time.” It is a sentence that I have heard from all of them. What is that? I think it is a gift to just sit and listen to someone who has not had the chance to talk for a long while.
What I don’t do…..I don’t jump on to the wagon of talking down about the woman who just broke their hearts…..that is not where my gift lies. My gift is trying to just listen, and asking the one question that I don’t think that they get asked very often. “How did that make you feel?” At first I always get the same answer. “I don’t know really.” Yet, eventually they get there, they get to the gut of the hurt. Most of the time it is “I guess mostly I felt lonely and really want a deep connection.” I’m telling you ladies, your man does want to connect on that deep level that you are so wanting from them. All it takes is finding the right timing. Once you nail that, he is an opened book. Sure it may take sometime to get there, but if you are patience one day he will open up. Just like you he just needs to feel safe to do so.
Where is it all going?
I asked this last night as I talked with Jo on the phone. In the end I think I am in this space of limbo as the Universe waits for me to make what I feel like is the ultimate decision. Alone? Or with someone. Then Jo gives me the answer. “Maybe you just need to find someone who wants to do that with you.” You see I want to travel and go and just do. Have that ultimate freedom of not having to answer to anyone. Having the ability not to have to take care of someone else. But truly just be. I have had that for a little over a year. I know myself. If I get involved with someone all my energy will go into taking care of them. I will immediately go into the sacrifice mode that I have defaulted to because it is my normal mode.
Yet, I don’t want to be in that mode. Right now I have been in the mode of taking care of myself. Doing things for me. That has been nice. So you see the conflict? I have enjoyed taking care of me. Working out, nightly skin care routine and meditation. I can honestly say I truly feel like I am finally taking care of that little girl that has been neglected. She is finally coming first and really the truth is that one thing is why I feel like I’m vibrating at such a higher level. That is why I question is it really time to be with someone?
Then Jo says something that stops me in my tracks. Why does it have to be one other the other? What if you found someone who would allow you to do all the things you do and expect nothing less? I didn’t answer, but I didn’t have to because he knew the answer. “Because that is not how you work is it? You are afraid that you will go right back to being the old Dee. The married Dee who makes all the sacrifices.” My quiet answer, “Yes.” I have worked so hard at getting to this new Dee. To the Dee that I absolutely love. I won’t give her up. And that my friends is why as much as I want the universe to bring me the man, I do not think that will happen anytime soon. I have to learn how to be the new Dee and find balance.
In the mean time, I am happy as I am. I love talking to my guy friends and hearing from them daily. No pressure to have any kind of romance and that gives me that freedom that right now is so good for my soul. I no longer worry about getting remarried or even getting into a relationship. No my only worry is making sure this version of Dee keeps growing. Because she is powerful.
-Dee
The Journey of a Lioness 