The Journey of a Lioness

The Dreaded Day……..but Tomorrow

I am pretty sure I have said it before and I will say it again. Valentines Day is the worst holiday for me. Even when Ed was still alive I struggled with that day. I had some good days sure, but romance? In my 46 years of life romance on Valentines Day has never really happened. Have I had romantic moments in my life. Yes I have, but those moments are not what I thought they would or maybe even should be.

I have this amazing friend that has taught me a lot in the romance area. Was the teaching intentional? I don’t think so. Yet what it did was open my eyes to the standard of what I want a man to treat me like. Just friends is such a hard thing when a man says things to you that you never knew you wanted to hear. I’m not talking about “you are beautiful” or “you are so amazing.” No a simple “I just want to be your joy. I want to be the person that makes you smile and laugh.” It is driving over to sit out in the cold by a fire just to watch silly things on a phone because I had to be at a funeral that day and it was hard. And then he brings a heated jacket for me to wear, along with a Crown and Coke for us to share. No in my mind nothing has ever been more romantic than sitting under blankets under a star filled sky and the full moon over us. Laughing at the silly videos that he had found to share with me. As much as I didn’t want to, I fell for that man. And while he too felt something and saw the small things I did that he too saw as romantic. The truth is he really does love someone else, and as much as I wished he would love me as he loves her, he just can’t. His heart won’t let him.

Yet the nights that he and I have hung out together and fought feelings that are or are not there, have become the standard of if you can’t treat me like this then I don’t have time for you. Romance is so much more than flowers and big promises. It is seeing the person that you are with. It is spending the hours really getting to know them and seeing them for who they truly are and then accepting them. There is nothing more romantic than loving someone right where they are and accepting that even though you know it is not what they want, you would give your heart to them in half a second because you see how they protect the heart of others.

My friend and I still talk every day. We don’t really hang out anymore, which is a stab to my heart, but I understand it. I took the shot. I told him about the feelings that I was starting to have, and he didn’t. But we are still friends that is what I have taken away from that. Does it hurt, yes, did I constantly internalize the whole question of maybe I’m not good enough for him. Of course I did, after all I am human and a woman. And as a good friend does, he stops me in my tracks. It isn’t that at all, it is simply the fact that he is in love with someone else. That’s it, but he did teach me how I want to be loved. Yes, he showed me how someone should love me.

So today, the dreaded Valentine’s Day, while it is hard and lonely and there are times when I feel like I will never have another love in life. There is tomorrow. And tomorrow is an unknown and it could be the first day of the relationship that I desire and dream to have. Tomorrow could be the day that I meet the love that I long for. I will still sit out by the fire and I will still remember those simple romantic moments. Because they are now the standard to which all will be held to. And I am and will always have been a hopeful romantic.

Transforming Perspectives on Loss: Your New Podcast

Pushing to a new me is this years goal. I have learned so much in the past year. I have talked for the past year about starting a podcast. It is time. I will used some personal funds and begin. I have this amazing friend that I think would be the perfect fit for joining in. That leaves what would we call it? What would we talk about!

This is where it gets tough. I mean so many topics are already covered and Mel isn’t Mel for no reason. The woman is a beast and knows how to reach her audience, draw them in and talk about subjects that matter to them! So what do I think is missing? There are a few that comes to mind. The one thing I know a lot about. Death. She has covered many topics but not that one. In fact I have written into the show multiple times asking that the subject of death be brought up. But who wants to talk about such a depressing subject? I do and not in a depressing way! In a healthy way that is bold because no one else is.

The second thing that comes to mind, is our energy and our vibrations as humans. I am just starting to learn about these things and by learning this, I am finding faster ways to emotionally heal. To catch myself when something gives me anxiety and then to have the valuable knowledge how to get myself out of that reaction.

Vibrations and Energy

I had no idea about human vibration and energy, it is a completely new concept to me. One that Serena has introduced me to. What I am learning is that we breathe in and out every single day and don’t realize the kind of power our breath has. By learning how to just sit and breathe and focus only on that for even just sixty seconds can get you out of that flight or fight response that stress and anxiety put us in.

In the few months that I have added breath work into my routine even just three times a week, I have felt so much better. The amount of stress has gone way down, and the ability to fall asleep quickly has increased. Here is what else it has done. It has given me this self confidence that I am going to be okay. Now if I close my eyes and focus inward on my body there is no longer this empty feeling. There is this small vibration that I never knew existed. I have risen the state of my vibration. How do I know this? I’m going to tell you.

I have this new outfit that I have worn quite a few times. It is a beautiful plumb suit style jacket over a simple white t-shirt and a pair of jeans. I throw on a necklace and earrings to tie it all in together. I have worn it to work many times. A few times I have been told, oh you look nice by the girls here in the office. But what I have never had was complete strangers tell me, wow you look very pretty today. Not women, but men. Like a FedEx guy! He delivers here once every two weeks. And yet that day I had done some breath work in the morning and focused on some positive affirmations before coming to work. I was feeling good about myself. I think because I raised my vibrations and felt good about myself complete strangers saw it. Other guys that I work with also made comments about how nice I looked that day. Each time something was said, my inner vibration raised even more. I was no longer feeling invisible but seen and seen as beautiful. Once again all caught up in that magnification that I have been working on.

While I am not sure about all the science behind this theory, and practice I do know that it is indeed working. I want to know more. Don’t you?

Why Throw Grief in?

Yes there are many Podcasts about Grief, but I don’t want to focus on the Grief yes we will talk about it but there is more to it than that. And here is why I want to talk about Death. The other night I was talking to my friend Serena and she had a question about something that happened to her and she wanted to know what I thought. Let’s take a look at what could possibly be our first Podcast. I want to stick a quick side note in here. Why do I think I can do a podcast? Not long ago as most of my readers know, I went to a grief group. There a licensed therapists talked about the many different aspects of Grief and I couldn’t help leaving each time so excited. Why? Because it was as if she read my book and used each chapter as the starting point for each session. While she gave all the technical and medical information, I gave the same information in my book. I just presented it in “Lay man’s terms.” I am on the right track and my book has proven to be spot on. That is why. It is relevant.

The First Podcast Topic

Serena’s question was one that I have had so many questions about. It wasn’t really a question it was more of a “This happened what should I have done?” I won’t go into to many details as it is Serena’s life and story but I will share enough so you can see where I’m going with this. Here is what happened….

A few years ago Serena lost her mother. Just two weeks after her passing Serena’s sisters went to the family home and went through her mothers’ things. Including her jewelry. They divided up the items between the two of them and didn’t offer anything to Serena. I have heard this story so many times. Siblings, daughters, sons, many with the same story. I didn’t get anything of my moms / dads. Serena wanted to know, “Should I have made a scene? Should I hold and harbor all this anger and resentment because they left me out?” I think my answer surprised her and it may surprise you as well.

The truth of the matter it isn’t about her or her sisters. It’s really about her father. He is the one with the biggest loss. Her mother’s items are his. They didn’t just leave her out they stole from her father. Those items by law are his. Not only did they steal from him they stole from themselves something that could quite possibly be more valuable. Let me tell you the story that I told her so that you understand the response better.

Deep Conversation and Answers

My grandfather passed when I was very young. I remember very few things about him. He had an amazing smile, a low deep voice, loved to laugh and drank Coors Banquet Beer. When I was in my twenties my grandmother asked me to come and visit her. When I got there she had some items out on the dinning room table. Photo albums and things. We sat and went through pictures and laughed at the memories. She and I talked about my grandfather and she told about him working for the railroad. Something I didn’t remember. We bonded over that as my husband worked for them as well. Then she brought out something very special. My grandfather’s Conductors Pocket Watch. She told me as he was passing away he talked about making sure that I received the watch. It is such a precious gift to me. What made it even more special, was getting to sit down with my grandmother and getting to have that moment with her.

I ask her, “do you see where I’m going with this? Not only did your sisters steal from your father, they stole what could have been one of the most precious memories they could have had with your dad. Just think what your dad knows about that jewelry. He knows which was her favorite, where some of the pieces came from. How they could have been special gifts from him to her. But here is something I really want you to understand. Does not having something of hers, erase the memories you have of her? I’m going to bet it doesn’t. That’s because she is in your heart and a piece of your soul, you will not forget her. She is in you not in those items.

New Perspectives

Serena suddenly now has a new perspective on the hurt she is feeling about being left out, and that perspective isn’t the pain that she carries but the pain that maybe they caused her father. I know death causes so much pain to all that are close to the one that is now gone. Each one trying to work through that pain as best as they can. We don’t do it well. Even me. But the only way we can get better at this is by talking about it. Getting perspective from others is the way to learn, and gain wisdom. We just have to be brave enough to sit down open up and be vulnerable with others. That is how we build our emotional intelligence.

Just like Serena has a new perspective on her emotional hurt, I have a new perspective on how to mend and heal that hurt. I am learning not just about the flight or fight response but how to get out of that. I am working on my emotional maturity. Why? Because when life kicks me down, and it will again, I want these tools to help me stand back up faster. I will always stand back up it is who I am, but I will do it much faster with increased knowledge.

So what do you think? Podcast?

Serena and I have spoken about so many topics not all on death but also on our energy and how to heal our inner most self. I feel like we would be the yin and yang of life. This hurt okay lets ask why then lets find out how do we fix it? My favorite saying of hers “you’re not broken, you just have had life hit and you’re trying to work through it.”

Is there something that you want to know more about that you have never heard covered by in a podcast? Or was there a topic that you were interested in that you have tried to listed to a podcast on that just didn’t hold your attention? What is your favorite thing about your favorite podcasts? What makes you going back to listen to each session

-Dee

Manifesting

Recently I have been in discussions with a wonderful group of women about manifesting. One idea was brought up that I found so interesting. Are we manifesting the right way? We talked about what we think about when we manifest. I had always thought about specific things. Like down to what a person or a home or what it would be like flying all over the world making appearances at book signings. Those were the thoughts in my head envisioning my deepest desires. Yet a question was put forth. What if we didn’t manifest actual objects that we wanted but the feelings those objects gave and represented?

This one question I have pondered for almost a month now. Let me give you the idea behind it. When I sit to manifest what finding what I believe true love is, I listed things like, would have a good career, a nice vehicle, he would see that I may need something and he would provide, because he didn’t want me to do without. He would want to make my life easier. He would provide the safety and stability that I long for. He would also show up. He would want to do things with me spend time with me go and travel and see the world. That is what I believed was the way to manifest him. Yes in a way it is, but the idea put forth isn’t the actions, it is the feelings.

The idea says okay you have in your mind the perfect guy for you, how does he make you FEEL? What if we dumped all the actions and just looked at the feelings? What are those feelings I long to have? This is where it becomes hard. Those feelings are difficult because my initial reaction is to say I want to feel loved. That is too wide of a net to cast. Because you can feel loved and also not feel safe. Love is a heart matter and you can love someone and not want to be with them. So narrow that love feeling down even more. What is it? It is the feeling that I have yet to experience so I am going to do my best here and talk about what I believe it is. I believe it is someone who makes you feel safe, not just physically but also mentally. Someone you can depend on being there for you, supporting your dreams, your desires, and your goals. The person who sees you having a bad day and is willing to do whatever it takes to make the day just a bit easier. They see you struggle and they do something about it. Even if it is running a hot bath and telling you, get in and relax. That is love. The desire to make someone’s life not so dang hard. Its knowing you come first. That is what I want to manifest. That feeling of someone always there for you.

What is the feeling of the new home? That feeling is really that of a successful career. Of making sound finical decisions and once again finding the stable life. I know from experience life isn’t always going to be easy. It will knock you down and kick you. You have to get up. You have to find the inner strength to rise and start again. So many people scream I don’t want to start over, yet only by being forced to do it, can you learn that it can be done. That is the feeling of the new home. Of the bravery to go for something big and getting it.

What is the feeling of the flying over the world? That is the grandest thing. It is the feeling of chasing a dream so hard that it comes true. It is keeping the promise to that little kid when you said I know your dream and I will make it come true. It is keeping that promise. It is knowing that I have my own back and I will do the things that make me happy because I put me first.

I spent New Years Eve in a very odd place. Questioning everything, and realizing the only person who can make this happen is me. I have the desire, the dream, and the capability to make them come true. I have manifested in an odd sort of way and watched every single thing that happened come true. But because I questioned if I deserved the things I was focusing on. So the universe showed me that yes it does work. I saw them for myself. The smallest things that there was no way someone could guess I set for myself. All of them every single one of them came to pass.

It is time to stop dipping my toes in the water and hoping the water is warm. No it is time to jump off the cliff and not give a damn about the water, because the universe wants to give me the longing of my heart, I just have to stop getting in its way. I have to stop settling for what seems to be the closest thing, and go for it all.

Thus, I am going to take the idea and put it to the test. A good old scientific research and test. What happens if you concentrate on the feelings of what you are trying to manifest, and let go of the surface and materialistic aspect of manifesting? Will that open a whole new world for you? Because you went deeper than what appears on the outside and began to really fulfill the needs of your innermost self?

Wish me luck in this experiment. I am giving myself a year. I am just days away from completing the staying single for a year. Now is the time to do something that has never been done. It is time to put myself first.

What about you? Have you ever tried to manifest something? Was it the item itself? Or was it a feeling? How did it come to you or did it even? I need data to understand exactly what manifesting looks like to others. I need the results to verify did you get exactly what you wanted or was it close enough? I look forward to this year, it will be very different.

-Dee

A New Mindset……

The past few weeks something in me has changed. I have found happiness again. It is hard to maintain. Mostly because of my attachment style. The Anxious Abandonment is what I am. Kind of a hyper-breed of two different ones. Someone who has Anxious Abandonment attachment style is a person who constantly feels the need to please everyone. They let others give them value, and will do anything to stop someone they love from leaving. I had to find a way to defeat that attachment style. There is no curing it, but there is the capability of controlling my reactions to people and being mindful of when I get triggered. Taking your thoughts captive is key. Stopping the negative narrative from having its free reign.

The Actions to Heal

Yet this year of being single has had a huge payoff here lately. Yes I get lonely, but I have learned that there are way to beat the lonely back. It can be as simple as when those times hit to be active and do what I love. Write, paint, go out and do some photography. Let the creative person out and she will show you how to work through the lonely. Because the next day is always a new day. And a good day to just start over. It can also be as simple as calling a friend or doing something with the kids.

What isn’t going to help is curling up in bed and watching sad movies or listening to sad music. Locking myself into the negative thought of no one cares and I will be alone forever. Those are not the thoughts of someone trying to heal, they are the thoughts of someone who has given up. I have not given up.

It’s okay to be lonely, because being alone is what I like to be right now. Not that, that can change in the next few years. But what I like about it right now is I don’t have to answer to anyone about really anything. I don’t have to check in when I go somewhere. I don’t have to report back if I’m gone longer than expected. Not that I ever had to do that with Ed. But other relationships with men who have trust issues, that is something I just can’t do. I refuse to pay the price of their non-healed trauma. Why should I expect a man to pay for the trauma that Mat put me through? I don’t. But if I am not healed from that trauma then I am not ready for a relationship. Suddenly it is very much okay to be lonely, because it is a healthy lonely, because it is a healing that I need.

Learning from others has been key

Just from talking to my new friends I have learned that I have to learn how to control that knee jerk reaction of negative thoughts. I have to remind myself that if someone doesn’t answer a text right away doesn’t mean I did anything wrong. It just means that I am not a priority at that moment. What I am learning is that not everyone responds like I do. And it is not up to them to meet my expectations. It is up to me to control my response when that happens. It is up to me to not hyper focus on negative thoughts and stand back and see who this person is. A real friend is going to answer and if they don’t. If they take weeks or days to answer then maybe they are not the kind of friend that I am needing and that person is just a sometimes friend. An acquaintance so to speak. Learning the difference is key. It is also up to me to decide what kind of energy do I want to have around me.

Finding people who are on your lever in your flow is key to navigating life. Holding on to people who have different energy who try to change you or your course to what they think you need to be is a huge red flag. I have learned that as well. I want friends in my life who are not constantly trying to fix me. But who are supportive and encouraging and who want to laugh and love. It is up to me to find those people and also learn how to let people go. The universe I have learned will always bring people in if we are opened enough to allow the flow of humanity to envelop us.

I have learned so much from my current friends. They are cheerleaders, and lovers of laughter, and they are absolutely beautiful. And when I spend time with them, I too feel absolutely beautiful. That is what we should feel when we are around friends. Loved, supported, and encouraged. That is friendship. That is my new mindset. The one they are teaching. Show up for those who show up you, and stop chasing, begging, or hoping someone will show up for you.

I have found myself saying more than once the past few months, “never has someone done that for me.” It is the showing up that makes the difference. I need to do that. I need to show up for my kids, for myself, and yes for my friends! When we stop focusing on ourselves and we truly open our hearts to others and we learn how to show up in a way that they need, that is when we make long lasting connections. Being alone is very much okay. Because it is teaching me to show up for myself and when you can show up for you, then when someone doesn’t or can’t you are more apt to have compassion and empathy for them. It doesn’t mean that you let them in and continuously let them use you. But it allows you to match their energy and when you are not pouring more into someone than what they are pouring into you then you get to keep the extra for yourself.

Balance

It is finding that balance that is key to me. So lately my thought process is going to be, “am I matching energy here? Is that energy a good feeling? Is it something that gives you pause?” It is the answer to those questions that you find that balance. I can give you what you give and expect nothing more from you because that is where you are at. Once we do that, once we are able to balance giving and taking, then we find peace. In that peace is genuine happiness. That is where I am at. Keeping as much energy for myself and learning to match energy with others. This will protect my heart and my mind. I then can bring in the kind of life I want. One filled with friends and love and laughter. The healing has began, and happiness is around more than it has in years.

Three Words That Gave Me Freedom

This year has been full of changes for me. Mostly changes for myself. Finding out who I truly am. Finally learning how to accept myself as I am, and in that focusing on who I want to be. Not what I think sounds good to other people but what sounds good to me. I have sat back for years and let others put their expectations on me and I do everything in my power to be that person. To be what they need, because growing up no one was there for me. So many people came into my life used me for what they needed then simply walked away. And to a person with abandonment issues and a desperate need to find deep connection to others I let them. I wanted to be important to someone! Anyone! Unfortunately what that did was make everyone more important than myself. That began a life of people pleasing because I was afraid they wouldn’t like who I was and quickly leave. What I didn’t realize was that not everyone was meant to stay in our lives. Let the leaves blow away from the tree for then it is is easier to find the roots.

Since Mat and I have parted and I made the commitment to stay alone for a year I have had to take a deep look at those roots. For me this was not an easy thing its not fun to tear yourself apart and look at the parts you’d rather just ignore and hope they go away. Yet I needed to get down to that inner child and find out why was she letting everyone one in. When the adult knew it wasn’t safe, the child cried out, but what if this person is finally the one! Oh how crushing it was to take the hand of that child and tell her, if they are the one then why are they not seeing how they have hurt you? Why is it that they still only focus on what you can provide them instead of coming to you and saying “here you need this.” How crushing was it to have to wrap my arms around myself and once again say it’s not that you are not enough for them, it is simply the fact that this person cannot give you what you need, and your needs are just as important as theirs. It is time to stop sacrificing everything for someone who will always take and never give. And when you can no longer give, they will blame you for not providing and walk away. It is time that this inner child lets go and starts to trust the inner adult and to build that trust, the adult has to stand up and say I will do this no longer.

It is time for the adult to start keeping promises to themselves and showing up for that inner child. Not only is that conversation hard but so is keeping that promise to that inner self. This year I’ve had men try to come back into my life who I know only wanted one thing. Who I’ve had to tell that I can’t be that person for you. I can’t be the release to your panic that your life isn’t or hasn’t gone the way you thought it would. I’ve had to leave them standing in the dark hearts racing and pleading for another chance. I’ve had to block numbers and delete names from friends lists, to just close doors that I had always left opened, wishing or hoping that one day someone would realize that I’m the one that got away. The truth is I may be the one that got away, but to actually get away, I have to leave.

I’m telling you to understand that now is so powerful. I didn’t want to leave because I had so many who left me and it was crushing and crushing someone is not something I want to do. Yet, just because you don’t want to do something doesn’t mean that it isn’t the right thing to do. Leaves are meant to fly away and are even meant to get crumpled and torn apart and destroyed so that very little to nothing can be found. In order for me to grow as a person as a soul I had to stop clinging to other souls that were not meant to stay. I only hold myself down and them as captives. It was as if my tree for the first time in years shed all of it leaves.

I’ve seen this happen in real life. There is this big beautiful tree at the front entrance of my son’s school. One day as I dropped him off I noticed that it still held all of its leaves and I smiled as I wondered wow how long is it going to hold onto those! That day was a cool breezy day the sun was shinning but you could feel just a bit of winter in that breeze. By the end of the school day, that tree had lost every single one of it’s leaves. In just a few short hours they were all gone, gathered on the ground beneath it and flying through the air as the wind scattered them. That is what I had to do this year. I had to stop everything I was doing the hope, the looking, the constant worry about being alone, and I had to let it all go.

As you all know I started by moving Mat out. If you asked him he equates it to throwing him out like trash. This was crushing to me that he felt that way. What I had to learn was if he felt that way well then let him. What I had to tell the inner child was, he was hurting us emotionally, and I could no longer allow that to happen. And while the inner child worked so hard at holding on to Mat and the hope that he would change. The reality is, almost a year later and he has not changed at all. He is still using, he is still trying to control me and uses my emotions to do that, even if it means he is doing something to make me mad then at least I am reacting to him. Deep in my heart I just want to walk away and not look back. You see the adult there protecting the child, and I have to be strong and tell the child it is what is best.

I have gotten the space the adult needed, so that the child could gain the perspective that it needed to see that not letting people go was indeed hurting us the most. When I did it, when I let go; and really said “done” it was as if a ton of leaves fell off the tree. And the crazy thing is those branches that were so weighed down could finally reach to their full height.

Here it is months latter, and every once in a while I get the thought of signing up for the dating apps again but something deep tells me it’s just not time. So I set my phone aside and keep working. On me. I’ve doing things for me. Spending time with people I want to spend time with and making friends with new people. Even people on line! They are where I have found peace. I can be myself. Then someone I have talked to for a while told me something that moved me so emotionally that it has taken me weeks to just settle it out. We were talking about the past and I just made the comment “I miss him very much.” Talking about Ed. The response to this so profound for me. “As you should.”

Those three words have changed me so deeply. It’s not like I have never said out loud that I miss him. I’ve said it often in fact. Yet most of the time the response I get is “I know.” That answer the, “I know.” just hits me so raw and makes me angry. They don’t know. How could they really know? They can guess they can assume. But they can’t ever know. Even if they have lost their spouse I would never presume to know a relationship so well to say “I know”. But the answer “as you should” was this incredible way to just do two things. The first it acknowledged that the moment was heavy and heavy with sorrow. The second was this way to give me permission to just be in the moment for as long as I needed to. It was the most compassionate and kind thing anyone has said to me since Ed passed away. It was permission to let the tears fall and not be ashamed of them even though its been five years. It was permission to let the love that I still hold for Ed be there in that moment.

I do not know why God has chosen this person to cross my path. It could be just so I could learn how to say “as you should” to someone else one day. It could be because this person is on a healing journey much like my own and learning how to sit in the most uncomfortable moments is part of that journey. All I do know is I thank God for that moment and those three small words for they have changed me deeply.

It is winter, I have shed all my leaves and stand stark naked and raw against the changing of the cold bitter winds of winter. But I have to, I have to see where my roots are and make sure that those I am letting in are the ones that help change and grow those deep roots, and if they are not, I need to let them go. The adult that shows up and protects the inner child on their own because someone has to. If others can’t keep their promises then I need to learn to keep the promises I made to myself. So that I can heal that inner child and deepen the roots of the tree. So that when spring comes, the limbs are taller and the roots deeper and the wisdom to find that balance is with it.

-Dee

Why I Chose to Be Single for a Year

One year. I have set a goal to be single for one year. It was so hard starting out. Of course it starts out with a heartache. I mean I had to break things off with my fiancé. It wasn’t easy and yes I miss him very much, but what I have learned is I may miss him, but I don’t miss the stress and worry of him coming home in an altered state. In fact the longer I am out of the relationship the better I feel. I never thought I would say that. I spent so much time saying “I just can’t do alone.” The truth is I can, and I am adjusting to it well.

My life isn’t any easier, but in the few relationships I’ve had since my husband passed I learned that I am not willing to settle. It is a powerful feeling standing up and saying my needs are important too. No more trying to earn someone’s love who is only going to take and not give back. I am no longer going to keep giving myself to someone who isn’t willing to give of themselves too. This one thought has changed me. Not just a little but a lot, in a way what that one thought did was give me the power to take control over my life. I have learned that you shouldn’t feel like you have to earn someone’s love. And to be quite honest I truly think that is what I did. I would listen and ask questions and learn about their one obsession, so that I had something to talk about with them. When in reality if I was in my own world I just wouldn’t care about it. It is like the girl who pretends to like fishing and she really doesn’t enjoy it at all.

Going out into nature and wondering around in the woods, is something I love. Fishing? Nope not for me. Yet the old me would have packed the truck made sure everything was ready to go to show him how much I cared about him as a person. I put effort into relationships with people who would never have put the same effort into making sure they did the same thing. I deserve someone better than that and if I have to be that person for myself then I can be. I have proven that these past few months. Proven that I understand what loving myself looks like. It looks like all that effort that I am so desperate for someone to give, I actually give it to myself.

One question comes to mind. Do I really? Do I really like to be outside? Do I really like to travel? Do I really like to be in a room full of people? In my last relationship I would get so frustrated at the lack of drive to do things I know I talked about not wanting a relationship that included sitting on a couch and watching TV. I wanted someone who wanted to be active who wanted more than going to work and coming home. I should have known he wasn’t ready for that. The constant asking where is or what is your favorite things? And getting no answers. That one thing worried me a lot.

I now know that is something I want in a relationship someone who knows who they are. How else would they know that they like me? What if they wake up one day and suddenly I am not the person they want to be with? If they don’t know who they are, how am I supposed to? They just wanted to be with someone. I don’t want to be the “I guess this will work” kind of partner. I want someone to know what they want and when I ask them why me, they can name specific reasons. They can say things like you push me to be more than what I am. Or, “I want to be the one who gives you the world because you deserve it.” Instead of saying “well if I could give you the world I would but that is just asking too much.” I don’t want to be the one asking for more. I want to be the one who says I can give that much too.

I completely understand to most people this is a pipe dream. Well I can tell you this, it may be unrealistic, but it is something I refuse to give in on. Loneliness passes, there are always people to go out and do things with. But I will no longer sacrifice being happy just so I have someone to talk to in the evenings. Nothing hurts me more than me pouring my soul out about something that happened that day and have someone pretend to listen. If I have to sit and listen or watch YouTube videos about something I am not interested in then isn’t it only fair that I get the same in return? I know what I bring to the table. I am so good at making people feel valuable. At making them feel seen and heard and alive. I am only asking for the same in return. I won’t give up looking for that. I want to be with someone who I talk about something with them and two weeks later they bring it up. Because they listened. They wanted to know what was going on in my life because they care. In short I don’t want to be with someone who is with me for what they get out of it. I am no longer going to take care of someone more than what they are willing to take care of me. I just want to feel like I am important to someone too.

I also know that the only way I am going to truly find this, is by waiting for it, and understanding it may never come along. Yet I truly believe it will. All I have to do is set the standard. Demand that I am treated the right way. In short, I have to stop trying to force a relationship. Let it come to me, because the truth of the matter is, I try to tell myself that I am in love. When you have only been on a few dates, or spent a few nights talking on the phone that isn’t falling for someone. That is thinking, well this is better than nothing. It is me that settles. I am no longer going to settle. You want me in your life? It is time to sit back and let someone else chase me. Pick me up for dinner. Come over late and sacrifice sleep because being with me is the only thing on your mind. Just to be next to me because being near does something to you that you can’t explain but the more you get to the more you want to. That is what I want. Not me chasing someone but someone chasing me. I am worth being chased. I am worth the right person’s time. And that person is worth waiting for.

Soon I will have made it a full year alone. It wasn’t easy, it was in fact quite lonely. Yet it was also liberating. It gave me time to become brave. Brave enough to say enough. To say I am worth more and I deserve the kind of relationship that I dream about. I know who I am. When I finally broke up with my ex most people would tell me “learn to love yourself.” This one sentence angered me so much. I would reply “Okay! Just tell me how!” I now know how to do that. It is taking the time to mourn the loss of the relationship. To give space to yourself to miss that other person, but to also let go of that person. And to open yourself up to asking what is it that didn’t work in that relationship?

Was it something they did or didn’t do. Or how about just realizing that you both were in very different places. That you couldn’t wait for them to realize they had growing to do too. Only to sit and watch the very kind of relationship that you said you didn’t want come into being. Or to learn life is way to short to wait around for the “right time.” The one that got me was I couldn’t continue to love the man I hoped one day he would be. While his words said he wanted to be that man. His actions said, I just don’t want to do the work to be that man. Then his words went on to say, “you should just accept me for who I am.” Yet, he didn’t want to do the same thing for me. I am the one who “needed to work out.” Who needed to be “a better woman.” I’m not saying I’m perfect but damn. It was my house, my car, I paid my bills, and took care of him. Yet it wasn’t enough for him. He gave nothing and I gave it all. Nope time for me to say what you think you give, you don’t. And what I need isn’t what you are willing to give so I chose more. I chose to be loved more than that.

I choose more, because I love me more than that. That is what learning how to love yourself is. It is learning to say I love me enough to walk away from what I think I want because knowing what I deserve is so much more.

I Finally Know…….It’s Me.

I have been writing off and on in this blog for five years. Five years! I have not always been consistent but life gets busy, or I just don’t know what to say. But in the past week, I have come to realize something. After my husband passed I felt like I had no idea who I was. My whole world was taking care of him and my family. I have spent the past five years looking for me. Just in the past month I have found me again. In the months before that, I started asking myself. What do I like? I then began to list them, and suddenly I found me.

The List

If you asked my family they would start with the same statement. She loves Christmas! I do! I believe in Christmas magic and how new beginnings can start during Christmas. I also know why that is. I married Edward on December 6th. It started an amazing life and I loved that life. But my love for Christmas started way before that. For me growing up it was the only time of the year that life felt optimistic. I Love Christmas. For every part of it. The Christmas decor the music. The Christmas programs, and church functions. The big Christmas light displays, the bustling people all excited to give gifts to their family. The food and company parties. The parties that are thrown by friends. It really is my favorite time of the year.

I also love being outdoors. I sit out by my fire pit, or go for walks. Lately I have really wanted to try hiking. Now I live in Oklahoma and places to actually hike are not really around here. There is one place, and I will keep going there. As the first two times I’ve gone I haven’t got to actually do the hike. I hope the trails open up soon. When I went on Saturday, they had signs up saying “hunters register here.” So I’m guessing they are allowing some controlled hunting in the area. But I still got to hike a little ways. I got some amazing pictures. That is the next thing I learned.

I love to take pictures of all kinds of things. People, landscapes, still life. And while I may not be perfect or the best, I love it and that is all that matters. So I thought I would share some of what I got with you!

I love rain that is gentle rain falling with rolling thunder. I have always loved that though. Do I know why? No, I just do. Maybe like someone who is from the north that loves to watch the snow softly come down. I like that too but we just don’t get all that much snow anymore.

I love to read while it is raining, with a huge cup of coffee or hot chocolate. I also love writing. I love music and movies, though not scary ones! And I have started a music playlist of songs that I like. Not ones that I think mean something to someone else, or because someone thought I should like them.

I am caring and kind and love to laugh. That is only part of who I am and while I still learning. I have decided one thing. I no longer want someone to influence what I do or don’t like. I can say that isn’t for me and not feel bad for it.

Moving Forward…..

I am sure there are things that I will still learn about myself, but the biggest thing is, I am evolving into someone new all the time. And while life is always changing then so too will I as long as I am open to changes. That is what makes me happy.

What about you? What do you know about yourself? Do you like a challenge? Do you let others truly influence you? What is the one thing that makes you simply you?

Cherishing Halloween Traditions: A Family’s Journey

The Tradition

Halloween has always been one of my families favorite holidays. Why? Well for my kids who have always had amazing costumes. It is a time to get to dress up and pretend to be someone else. A hero, an actor, who ever! It’s also about the candy. I mean they are kids. For me it is the start of what I call the magic of the holidays. It always felt so magical this time of year, and each week and celebration all seems to add up to the magic of Christmas. This year I spent all week thinking it just will not be the same. It wasn’t but it was. You see my son had told me a few weeks ago that a few friends would be coming over and they would be going out to trick or treat together.

All week long I kept telling myself that I should do extra chores to make sure the house was perfect for when his friends were here. Not that my home is really messy. I mean when you can have a perfectly cleaned home in half an hour it can’t really be all that messy right? Anyways, as Halloween got closer the more I just didn’t want to do anything. Why? Because in my heart of hearts I just knew that this year would be sad for me. Because we live almost out of town we get very few kids. Honestly if I got one it would be a record. The last few years my son has done this tradition with his friends. They all meet up and go out together while I’m stuck at home eating most of the candy that I bought. This year I figured it would be no different. Well school ended and so did football practice and I get the call. “Hey mom the crew is ready to be picked up.”

I tell him okay I’ll be there in just a few. I have an amazing job that allows me to leave work and pick him up every day. Usually they practice until five, today they got out a little early. So I went to pick up the “crew.” When I pulled into the school parking lot, there they were. These four very different boys. They are all unique in their own way and I love them all. We laugh and giggle and make jokes as we stuff all four of them into my very small car. It’s a small town and we don’t live far from the school. I get them home and drop them off with the promise that I will be back after work with soda, popcorn, and fixings for our traditional Chicken Noodle dinner. They happily waved and walked into our home. My heart strings tugged, and yet I pulled away with one thought. God allowed my husband to pass for what ever reason, I am not sure. But what I am sure of, is he put these boys into my life for a reason too and my heart is filled with joy and love. So as I head to work I did something I don’t normally do. I prayed, not to ask for anything, just simply to say thank you. I may have lost one love, yet there is still so much more out there.

After work I went to two stores to get all the things for dinner and hurried home. I called to let my son know I’m on my way and asked him to meet me outside to carry the groceries in. I pulled in and out came all four boys laughing and joking , grabbing all the groceries. It made my heart filled with love even more. They bring them in and while laughing and talking they put them away. Working together as a team. Then my son asks me hey did you get my text? I told him no. Well he had asked me to pick up his girlfriend on the way home. I told him sorry buddy I missed that one. I’ll go get her now. So I was off again. As I’m heading across our little town, I thought about all the years when my girls were little. The tradition of going over to grandma Rhea’s house for Halloween. Grandma Rhea lived in the “fancy” neighborhood in town and it really was where everyone went to trick or treat. I miss those years so much and I miss walking around with my little ones. It was such a sorrow of knowing that part of life was over for me, and I just knew it was a part that I dearly love.

I picked up the girlfriend and head back home. When we walk in the house is loud and filled with the noise of boys. (if you are the mom of a boy you know this noise especially if you have more than one.) The girlfriend who is a classmate joins in and assures me that these boys are exactly like this in school. I’m thinking to myself, they may need to double the pay of our teachers. So I cook and visit with everyone and just love this socializing that they do and that they bring me into so easily. I also do the dishes that I didn’t do the night before because I’ve had my own mental battles this week. Not once did someone make a comment about how clean or unclean the house is. Except the girlfriend who said “wow, your house is nice!” This made my heart swell because we have worked very hard on the house and we are proud of it.

All too soon it was time for them to go out. But one says, “hey I need to get some pictures, my mom will kill me if I don’t.” So we go outside for the traditional group picture. there is a slight twinge in my heart as I wonder will this be the last one. They are getting older. I keep waiting for them to say goodbye and head off. Then my son says, “Okay mom are we taking the truck?” as he scrambles to help find a hoodie for his girlfriend as the weather has really cooled off. I stare at him as if I didn’t understand what he was saying. “The truck?” I asked. “Yeah, you know you gotta drive us around!”

I can’t even begin to tell you the joy that leaped into my heart. “Oh yes!” I say as I head inside to put on shoes and grab the truck key. As I head to my car to grab my wallet, I snap a picture and send it to all my friends. “The smile this mom has when her son says, ‘you have to drive us around mom!” This very small part of me seemed to just vibrate right into place. I was not being left out, I was a part of the tradition. I also went and told my daughter who lives with us, that she too needed to come. Tonight no one would be left out. As we put down the tailgate and load everyone into the back of the truck my son says, “mom we have more to pick up in front of the pizza place.” I tell him okay and with me driving and my daughter riding shot-gun, and a truck bed filled with these amazing kids we headed off.

As we go down the street my son calls me and says that his girlfriends mom would like it if we stopped at their house so she could see them all. Of course we can! No one is left out tonight. We stop in front of the pizza shop and pick up one and then take off to his girlfriends home. We get there and we all jump out of the truck. There is laughter and greetings. As we are standing there visiting and letting her take pictures, another group joins in. A large group with whom I’ve never met. But they all know each other, and more laughter and visiting. Suddenly I hear “we are going with Mickey!” and our total is now increased by five more. We all load back into the truck and off we head slowly to the good neighborhood where it is an easy park and walk and you can get a ton of candy. Suddenly I realized that this was the very thing my heart had quietly hoped for all week. Just one more year out with my kids, enjoying the place that we call home. It was a fantastic evening. Yet it wasn’t over.

After it gets dark we wrap up the trick or treating. We drop quite a few off with parents, and then head home with all the kids I started out with. We make one more stop at our neighbors who is the grandparents of one of the girls that has joined us. On our way back to the house my son’s girlfriend calls her mom to let her know that we would be eating dinner then watching a movie. No not a scary one! Then my son does something even more amazing, he invites her mom over for dinner.” Please come and join us if you would like to.” Her mom, teases him a little and asks are you sure because that kind of sounds like you don’t really want me to. In which he says, “In Oklahoma that is the polite way to invite someone, because if you do not feel like coming you can say thank you but maybe next time. If you don’t want to.” He is right in my family the come and join if you would like to part is a polite way invite someone who may have plans and can’t make it, that way they don’t feel obligated to say yes, and not feeling guilty for saying no. In the end she agreed to join us and advised that she would be there in a bit. Then we head inside for a chicken and noodle feast that warms the heart and the soul.

Chicken noodles, mashed potatoes, and rolls. Served pipping hot and made with love. A knock on the door signals that the mom has arrived and she is warmly greeted by all. We then usher everyone to the table. Including the mom who insists that she shouldn’t because she was not included in the count for dinner and wanted to make sure there is enough for everyone. My son and I both assure her that there is plenty. We sit and visit and laugh and just have this amazing connection. This is family. Those boys and girls they all know they are welcomed in my home and now that the girlfriend’s mom has joined in, she too knows that we are family here and I hope she feels that too.

We talk about the proper way to eat chicken and noodles in Oklahoma. Like gravy on top of mashed potatoes. Now they are not from the south they are from the north and this just seems so odd to them. But the mom tries it anyways. Yet just like all the individuals at the table we all eat them different ways. One boy doesn’t care for CK&N as he says his mom makes it all winter long. So he fills his bowl up with the potatoes and asks for some cheese and has that for dinner. Another says that even though he is from Oklahoma, he doesn’t care for his to be mixed and only eats the CK&N. We all laugh and the only thought I had was not only was the food warm and filling, our souls got filled too. It truly helped me understand the real meaning of soul food. Because not only did it feed the body, it fed every soul there too. Soon though the dinner was complete and it was time to call it a night. I have work in the morning and I really do need my rest. We hug everyone say good night, and with that, we settle down.

I still have not stopped smiling. I have had the best Halloween that I’ve had in years. I swear that my husband was out there with us as Halloween was his favorite night of the year. Mainly because of nights like these. His mom and his aunt always made Halloween special for him. With tales of toilet paper and shaving cream that the moms throw on them one time. I’m telling you they had some amazing stories together and I miss listening to them laugh and tell them. But I hope that tonight, sticks with my son and his memory. So that one day while sitting as a family having CK&N on Halloween, he will tell the stories of all the things we did on Halloween nights.

-Dee

The Lioness…

This weekend I did things that I have been wanting to do. I went shopping, I stayed as long as I wanted to, bought what drew my attention, and I stopped and ate when and what I wanted to. I was in control, it felt amazing. I then went home. I got there early enough to still enjoy some evening time with my family. This felt so good. The next day I spent time watching action movies that I have had on my list of “must see” all day long while I did laundry and cleaned house.

While watching these movies I realized something. In all of them the lead was a woman. She was strong, intelligent, could fight, and yet still had a complex emotional challenge to battle through. In all of them it was fight or die. Some fought for freedom others fought for justice, the main thing was they had friends that stood next to them even if they didn’t fully trust them. They fought with the belief that what they fought for was bigger than themselves and they were willing to die for that belief. These movies got me thinking. Don’t we all do that? If not, shouldn’t we?

I want to fight for myself, I want to believe in myself and my skills just as they believed in theirs. After all why else do we love movies like this? Maybe because in some way we all want that grand adventure. The story we tell our great grandchildren so that they connect to us. Hoping that maybe just one, one person will be willing to say “I remember you” after you are no longer on this world. So I decided that is exactly what I want to do. I want to go on that great adventure but just like the characters in those movies, I have to work. To get strong, so that when I’m on the journey I am able to, throw a punch, so to speak, when I need to.

The Training Is Worth It

I have come to realize no one is coming to fight for me. So I have to fight for myself, and just maybe as much as I would love to have that amazing hero show up and rescue me, maybe I am the one who shows up to rescue someone else. Maybe I am intentionally avoiding what my true calling is. I’m not some side kick in someone’s story but the star of my own. The truth is I have to do the work. The hours of training to get stronger, the study of the things I love so that I understand what is needed and can quickly resolve issues. I mean look if that character didn’t train on how to fly the dang space ship then how would they repair it!

I believe this is where self care and mental health along with physical health come into play. Learning that taking care of these things first is part of the training for a happy life. A life that is safe and strong enough to be able to save someone else. To fight the fight for what we call a good life. What is a good life? Well that is up to you. But let me give you just a little clue as to what it may not be. We are all taught that in order for you to be considered successful you have to make a lot of money, drive the biggest and most expensive car, and have a big beautiful home. I have a lot of friends and family that have all those things, yet, they are not happy. Some take it for granted that it is there. Others were born with it so they don’t know how to fight for it. A fighter, a real hero has always put in the work. And like one of my favorite characters sometimes we have to be told you are not ready to even begin the training. You can’t go into this all halfhearted, you have to be completely focused and disciplined enough to do nothing else but train. You have to be willing to make great sacrifices and maybe be willing to lose every single friend you have to make it. Make it to what? To make it to where you can be stable, present, and be available and there to support someone. We were not made to go to work and come home. We were made for love to connect with others, to share our love with others. That is the good life, to provide safety and security for someone else, success is having that ability but also being able to pass that ability along. That is what I believe is a good life.

So many of us want the good life. A life of little worries and no stress and for some reason we think if we just made a little more money we would have it made. Yet in the end, do you really want to be known as the check book? Don’t you want people to see that you had to work so hard for everything you have? That is the training, the work that is put into the success that most just don’t see. They only see the end result, and learn nothing by reaping the benefits instead of learning how to fight themselves. If we try to skip the training, the hurts, the bruises, the almost fatal injuries, and go the easy route, what value is there when you reach the destination?

I’m not saying that if your life is easy then it has little value. What I am saying is if you want there to be real value and the ability to pass the training on, then you yourself must go through the training. I want that. I want the training the sweat, blood, tears, and all the knowledge that comes with that. So that I’m not just aware of the battle, I am fully and completely ready when it comes, and I can train others to be ready too.

Becoming the Lioness

I feel like the past five years my training has been about finding me. Deciding who I want to be, where I want to be, and the kind of life I choose to live. There has been blood, sweat, tears, heartbreak, and loss. Yet, I no longer let someone else write the story for me, I am the star. I can say no, I can mean no. I can break a heart even if I didn’t want or mean to. I can do that to save myself, to teach that self perseverance is what we need in life. The ability to take a powerful hit and get back up. You don’t have to get back up right away but finding the inner strength to get up, that is what we need. That is where we find meaning, purpose, and most of all our inner hero.

I may not be a super hero, automatically given super powers. But I am my own hero, I have put the training in and I’ve become the Lioness and I will fight to save myself and those whom I love. Because love is the only thing truly worth fighting for.

-Dee

Moving Forward

In my last post, I talked about my experimenting with getting out of my comfort zone and learning how to find my meaning. Let me tell you wow, just wow. One of the first things that I have learned was so alarming. Did you know it is okay to go out on a school night? Yup you really just read that. There are two schools of thought here. The first is how could you not know that! The other is Wait what! You go out on a school night! Can you guess which school of thought I was? If you thought the second, you would be right. As an adult I can count on one hand how many times I have taken my kids somewhere on a school night that wasn’t school related. You just don’t do that! You have to have a schedule and your kids need rest and being in bed on time is so important. And while that is true to an extent, I have learned that there is nothing wrong with going out on a school night, within reason. Let me explain.

As most of you know my son is on the football team. Each week they designate one day where they go out and have dinner together. This has been a good tradition and it builds relationships outside of school and off of the football field. Yet, for this mom it brought a huge uncomfortable feeling on. As I drove my son to the first dinner my insides were screaming “we need to be at home! This is not right, we have to be in bed on time. What if this messes up our whole schedule?” These thoughts came rushing around a lot. To work though that I have to tell myself, “There is no rule anywhere that says we can’t do this.” I would keep telling myself, “you are the adult, if you say this is okay then it is okay!” It took a few of these trips before those thoughts and the feeling of doing something wrong to go away. I had to learn how to be comfortable in being uncomfortable. While I enjoyed the time with my son, the trip did wear us out. Okay it wore me out. It didn’t take long for me to let go of that anxiety and be okay with my son riding with someone else. Letting go. Learning to give my son his independence and hoping that he makes good decisions while he is out. This has been so good for me. Yes, I have to adjust and really get used to being comfortable with being uncomfortable. What I have found is something really sweet, I have found me time. This wonderful mysterious time that I have heard other mothers talk about but haven’t really experienced.

After a few weeks, I finally said “just ride with someone,”. I went home and crashed. I slept until he walked in the door just a few hours later. I could have done a million things that I tell myself there isn’t time to do. Time to take care of me. This is a new experience for me, but let me tell you what, it didn’t take me very long to fall in love with it. These nights I go for long walks, or take a long shower. I have done things like paint my toe nails, read a book, and now I am writing. Things that I love to do that I don’t normally take the time to. Now all of the sudden going out on a school night is very much okay with me. Of course not all the time, but every once in a while it is okay.

So, while I know that I am supposed to be learning how to make friends, I am first and foremost getting reacquainted with myself. I am doing the things that I love to do. I am taking the time to write and step into the person I want to be. This has brought some amazing energy into my life. I am truly finding my peace and happiness. That feels good. Instead of reaching out to try to connect with someone else I sit in the uncomfortable and connect with me. I am trying to learn about myself. You know the whole “what kind of eggs do I like” kind of things.

In the end I am trying to learn how to what the professionals call “self sooth”. I try not to listen to all the people out there because for me too many voices just cause confusion. So I need to listen to the one voice that matters most. My own. This is the one voice that I have tended to ignore. Why? People pleasing of course. Yet I am learning to listen more to that voice and less to the outside world. So while I am pushing myself to be more out going and meet new people, I am also learning how to meet and love myself.