Blog Feed

We have spent the past month moving and working on my home. It’s the one that Ed and I were supposed to grow old in. Now Mat and I are trying to start over and build our own memories. This has proven harder than we both thought. Yet I love being here, he too loves it. The possibilities that Ed and I saw here are still here the quiet neighborhood the beautiful peace and quiet there are few places I love this is one I love the most.

We still have a lot of work to do. An entire garage to go through and clean out and reorganize and sell things we don’t want. Yet because I don’t have to do it alone, I think I will be okay. I love Mat for being so brave and saying I’m going to do that with you and mean it. My heart is full and happy. We have talked about getting married next year but have decided that we shouldn’t rush. It feels good to not do that. To do things our way not someone else’s. I think we both for the first time feel like we have a say what happens in our life and neither one of us wants to lose that.

Grief? Well grief is something I have learned you just never stop doing. You really do walk around with a huge scar on your heart and a person on your mind that you know you will not hear from for a very long time. Yet you walk forward and you learn how to honor them in life. You talk about them always, you love them always, and you just know they are with you just in a very different way.

We are looking forward to the holidays and this being our favorite time of year for the first time since Ed has passed it feels like the magic of the season is once again building up. Yes life is still hard, but I am still up and moving and I will continue to do that as long as God blesses me with a sunrise.

Dee

I have never experienced things quite like I have since the loss of my husband. I am doing well or as well as can be expected after two years. I have reached goals and done things that I just cannot believe. Like adding the word Author to the front of my name. I have always wrote and becoming published is a dream come true. If you follow me any at all, you know this. Today I want to talk about another kind of dream though. The kind you have when you sleep.

I have a very active imagination, I also have vivid dreams. When I was pregnant with my children I remember having dreams of my husband cheating. I would wake up enraged and the poor guy didn’t do anything! We would laugh about this later in life. How vivid my dreams really were. I can remember many of my dreams in fine detail. Most people say they don’t ever remember their dreams. This seemed so odd to me. How can you not remember dreaming? I guess in some way I am just different than others. I watch my dreams as if they are movies. I have been able to do that since I was very young. Then tragedy struck and my dreams stopped completely.

Going from dreaming almost every night to having no dreams at all was so unnerving to me. It was I am sure the heartbreak. The loss, the grief, also the fear. The fear of seeing Ed in my dreams and what he would say. Would he say he was sorry? Would we just cry together? I didn’t dream for a year. The first one was of him. We were with his family at his parent’s home and it was a place of happiness. It was like he had been gone and had suddenly come home, there we all were excited to see him. I remember seeing family members standing in line waiting their turn to see and hug him. I could clearly see him and his twin brother together. Both sobbing because they had missed each other so desperately. I on the other hand was there and getting angry. Why? Because every time it was almost my turn, someone new would come in and I would get pushed to the back. By the time it was finally my turn I was so angry with him and he was angry with me as well. I got even more angry with him because he would not even look at me. When I finally just lost my shit and yelled at him, he finally looked at me. I could see the sorrow and the hurt in his eyes. I lost it. I sobbed and ran away.

First of all I am not known for losing my shit and yelling. I don’t ever remember yelling at him during 21 years of marriage. I also don’t ever remember him yelling at me either. I do remember waking up from that dream though. I was angry, I was hurt and I knew he was too. I knew the message that was being sent. He needed to take care of his family, they needed him worse than I did and I was to once again wait. I came second, I had always came second, it was my place and I should have known that. He was disappointed that I didn’t remember that. Yet I had done something he didn’t expect, I changed. I was not the same woman I was when he left. I am not even close to being that woman anymore. I think it not only surprised him it hurt him, there is nothing I can do though I have changed and as much as anyone wants to think, that I have not, I know deep down that I have. For me the change has made me a better woman. More compassionate, more loving, yet also someone with more courage, more backbone, someone who for the first time in her life stands up and says “Look at me I have a need and a voice too.”

Last night though that woman was once again taken down the path of hurt and anger. I once again dreamed of Ed. Not the kind of dream where I see him, but one where I felt my children and I were in danger and he was once again out chasing his dreams and we could not find him anywhere. When I called family, I got told that sometimes a guy just needs a break. The new me jumped out and shouted, break from what? We were his family, we needed him to protect us. I woke up crying and angry and hurt all over again. That feeling of being reminded that I was put back into my place. I came second the kids came second to chasing the dream. For me it was a nightmare, forcing all those emotions up from where I thought I had gotten over them. Nope two years later I still feel like I am fighting for our turn, and I had failed.

Then something happened I reached out and there was Mat. Tucked right in next to me, all I had to do was roll over and grab a hold. I threw my arms around him and he did what he has always done. He held me. Giving me comfort and love and I knew I had finally found someone who put me first. He held me tight and dried my tears and reminded me that it was just a dream. The kids were not in danger, neither was I. It was just a dream, and Ed didn’t put them or me second, we did in fact come first most of the time. He didn’t alway chase dreams, he was home and he did spend time with us. I have pictures to prove it. I cannot let a bad dream chase away the joy that we had with Ed, nor the joy that we have found with Mat. It was a dream and even though it brought up some real feelings, those feelings must be put into the proper perspective. The truth must be remembered. Ed was a great father and an amazing husband. That is the truth and I know it.

Have you ever had that happen to you? Have a dream that feels so real that you wake up crying, or scared or laughing? Our minds are powerful things and we must learn how to control them. There is nothing better than having the strength to keep a clear mind. Of having the wisdom to know real truth and lies that we tell ourselves because we are too afraid to face what the real truth must be. In that dream the lie was that my husband put my children and I in danger and we were just a second thought to him. The TRUTH is my husband loved his family. He would protect us anyway he can. I believe that he protects us from heaven and I feel his presence more now than ever. He loves seeing us happy and smiling and that is all that matters. We are that and he knows it. He can concentrate on the heavenly things and I will take care of us down here. That is my job. I will do that with joy in my heart because I have Mat. The man who loves me as I am. I may be in the middle of evolving into a different woman, but that is the good thing about Mat. He makes me want to be a better woman. He is amazing and yet in a way he is like Ed. Loving, happy, and silly, and an amazing father. Mat loves my children as much as any man can. They and I come first. Yet I get to do something for Mat too. I get to show him what being loved unconditionally is. I get to show him how being loved fiercely feels. It is this perfect thing that only God can do. To stand in front of someone and see the same love that you give reflecting back at you. It is the best feeling in the world to see that and not have that scared feeling of running away from it but two people who know how rare it really is and they are wise enough to grab a hold of it and not let it go.

What I have to remember is a dream is a dream and I know what the truth is. Sometimes I wished that I would never dream. That I would not have to face and fight a demon that wants to crush me. Yet I also know that I have strength to fight that demon because I know that what it tells is a lie. I don’t want to be weak, I want to be strong and that means that I have to face those demons and fight them without fear knowing that they may bring up old feelings. That is all they are old feelings that are attached to lies and nothing more. I am better, stronger, more compassionate, more loving than I have ever been and that is the truth.

Dee

A few years ago I took a personality test at work. I am of course a type “B” personality. It is my natural response. I was also made to feel like because I am a B that I was suddenly a second class citizen and a not so good worker. As if my grade from life was a B and that I was not ever going to be better than that. It hurt and it hurt A LOT. Lately I’ve been thinking about that and how it made me feel. I decided to then do some research. I have since learned that I would much rather be a B than an A anyway. Why? Because the reactions of the A personalities was spot on. Most A personalities are over worked, feel less joy after completing a big project. They tend to beat themselves up because they always believe they could do better. They over commit and really neglect themselves because their reputation is the most important thing to them. They must be liked or at the very least respected. Though they tend to not show others the same kind of respect. When someone points this out to an A personality type their response is defensive and they just claim it is just how they are. Yet when they approach a B personality they expect the B to show what they consider improvement because the answer “it’s just my personality” is an excuse. A personality types show less compassion and are known to be bullies. I know this seems so harsh of me to put out there it really puts A personalities in some really bad light. That is not my intention at all. Also I am sure an A personality is screaming at the screen “that is not true at all!!” They are right, here is something else I learned, most people are not fully an A or B type we all have tendencies that may pull us one way or another but in reality we all pretty much land in the middle somewhere and it is just a few things that get narrowed down to one or the other. Yet the day you are having what is going on in your life could truly influence the way you answer. So one day you could be an A and the next a B. That is what I learned. Here is where I read up on it http://McLeod, S. A. (2017). Type A personality. Simply Psychology. https://www.simplypsychology.org/personality-a.html .

I know what you are thinking, “so”? Well here is where I am going with this. I started to wonder if A’s and B’S are so different, does that mean we grieve differently too? I’m not talking about just feeling sad because I truly believe that we all feel sad. I am talking about the way we process grief. Do A personalities walk around pretending to be “perfectly fine” hiding their turmoil because they see it as weakness? Do B personalities walk around with grief always on their face, constantly breaking down and crying everywhere? I honestly don’t think so. After all as someone who has been labeled “B” I had this strong determination not to walk around as the “sad widow”. I think I did well at that. Actively searching for things that brought me joy. I found that in my kids and friends.

This is why I want to do a podcast. I want to learn more about grief. I want to know does your personality influence the way you grieve? Does the circumstances also have a lot with how you grieve too? Is a sudden loss like mine different than watching some slowly over a few months pass? Or is loss truly just loss? This is where my journey has taken me. I have learned a lot about grief, but not nearly enough. I want help people by not making them feel like their grief isn’t important mostly what I am really trying to do is learn one major thing, how to find joy after the loss. The more I learn the more I can walk and see that joy, and by sharing that, I pray it helps others find their joy again too

The personality question it’s just one way to open the door to conversation, to debate it. I just want to understand not the difference between A and B or to even claim that one is better than the other. Both have their faults both have their benefits. I just think it would be something interesting to look at. Just another way to understand grief. After all how can I teach my children to process grief in a healthy way if I don’t clearly understand it. The big question here is can one clearly understand grief at all? It’s time to see.

Please I am looking to talk! Email or post a comment down below. Tell what do you think?

See

I have been so consumed by writing my second book that I have had little time with writing here. I have missed writing on here. My journey started over two years ago and I feel like I have come such a long ways. Have I changed? YES! But you can’t go through a loss and not change. No matter if it is someone you deeply love or someone that you hardly knew. The loss will change you. Yet what I have learned has been amazing. I’ve never been this brave before. I have done amazing things like travel, and write books and now I am working on my first Podcast. I am happy.

It is strange to grow up thinking that I have no voice. My thoughts are not meant for others. Yet I am learning that I do have thoughts and opinions and the things I have gone through have value. The ability to make someone feel like they are not alone is powerful. After my first book was released I did a signing event. Which was crazy in my head because well who would come? I am a new author no one has ever heard of me. Yet people did come. I brought twenty books with me and sold all but two. Now I know what you are thinking that really isn’t very much, but I live in a town of 1000 people and the signing event didn’t even take place in the town I live in! So for me selling that many was just amazing. Yet what happened next was even better. I sold a bunch online and have many that read the book through their Kindle readers. Then an amazing thing happened. I now work in the same town that I held the signing in. One day while working a woman came up to me. She asked if I was “Farney’s girl.” (Farney is my fiancée). I smiled and said yes. This is where I thought she would ask me about how he was doing after his accident. Instead she said “I read your book!” She then suddenly started crying! She explained how her mother had passed and how the book helped her.

That’s it people, that was the whole purpose of writing to make a difference in one person’s life. That is all I wanted. I cannot tell you how I felt. It was amazing. That is why I write. Even if it is only one person, it makes it worth it to me. There have been others who have told me that the book has helped them. Another excited to hear that a second one is coming out this fall.

You know we encourage people to do the things they love, yet we only encourage things that we think people can suddenly be successful at. Doctors, nurses, lawyers, anything a person can make “good money” doing. Those are the things we tend to encourage and support easily. We need to learn how to support all dreams. I learned this from a famous actor surprisingly. It is a good lesson. The arts, acting, writing, film, directing, all are occupations that are hard to become successful at. They are not the instant constant paycheck. But they are the passion of many people. Without them we would have not the beautiful songs that we love, or the movies that keep us on the edge of our seats. All of those things start out with one thing. Writing. I’m not saying that my books are good enough to become a movie. What I am saying is if your child has a passion for writing, let them write.

Just like if your child can sing, let them chase their dream. Why because it doesn’t matter if they never produce a number one hit or tour the big world, they are happy. I know it is hard, it is hard to sit back and watch people chase their dreams and maybe never become the famous have it all kind of person. Yet I bet if you asked them, how life was going, they would say I’m still chasing the dream, and I love it. It takes courage to do that. Admire the courage, and stop judging someone by what they have or don’t have in the bank. It is time to redefine success. It is time to stop asking are you successful, but asking are you happy? Because someone who hasn’t given up and is still chasing the dream. That is successful to me. Why? Because it is too easy to give up lie down and settle for a regular nine to five job and just live like the rest of the world. I would rather be known as someone with courage than someone who is just getting by in life. I want to be known as someone who is happy.

My mother would sometimes tell me “we all can’t be the same thing.” I’m not looking to be the same thing, I am looking to be me. I feel the most like me when I write. Nothing feels better than that. So I may not have millions or even thousands in my bank account, but I have something much more I am happy. I live with joy and nothing is better than that. Chase your dreams, find your joy, and you will have success.

Dee

Well what next? I have written a book and am currently in the middle of editing the second one. When I found this thing called Podcasts. I have found some great ones. Ones on my favorite show, and some on true crime that I just can’t get enough of. I then tried to find some on grief. What I found were some good ones but I was so devastated to learn that the ones that I actually liked seemed to be pretty closed down. I tried on many accounts to talk with the writers and hosts of some of the podcasts. None answered. Now it could be because they are so popular that they don’t have time to answer every single email, or it could be that their personal life is just too busy and they just no longer read their email. After all I didn’t even get a reply saying thank you. Here is what I learned. I learned that after two years of being a widow, I am ready to talk!!! To talk about my experience and ask others about theirs. After all none of us grieve the same way, each loss in life is so different than the next. And they all hurt. You can’t learn about grief unless you talk about it. Now I know that this type of talk sounds so depressing but I want to focus not on the immediate grief but the grief years later. I really want to focus on how people found JOY after loss.

What I am hoping to do is teach people who are dealing with a recent loss that joy does come back into life and that the dark tunnel does end. I am also excited to introduce one of my most favorite people in the world, my little sister Jamie. She and I are three years apart to the exact day, and we have been through a life that is like none other. In that life we have found ways to laugh and find joy when the world seems its darkest. That is what our podcasts will be about. Finding joy. Like the lioness on a hunt, I think finding joy after a loss is the most important thing. In that hunt I can teach my children how to grieve and how to heal. Yes, loss hurts so deeply, but finding joy after is the balm that helps sooth the soul. With each weekly episode we talk to widows and widowers and those who have loss someone close to them and we dig deep to find out how Joy returned to life. I also plan on bringing in professional licensed counselors to help give tips on how to help family or even your friends get through a very difficult time of life.

Together Jamie and I hunt for the joy in life when it seems to be falling apart. I will share my own experiences and we will talk about everything that comes along with loss and coming back from that. Hope is what we plan on finding, because Joy comes with hope.

Dee

Hello Darlings, I hope this finds you well. I have been crazy busy. I changed jobs and love the new one. It allows me to do what I love, write and actually work. It is amazing that I get to do what I love to do. Which is to write. Yet I have hit the wall. I am almost done with my second book and once again I hit that place where it becomes hard to write. Not that I don’t know what I want to say, I know what direction I want to go and I know the basic sediment that I want to leave. No the wall that I normally hit is this, “Will what I am writing make a difference? Will it do what I dream and hope it will? Help someone in life. Will it give someone that sense of connection? That they are not alone, will they walk away with just a bit of I am going to carry that with me for a while. We all do that you know? We have that saying or the line from a book or movie that we always quote. That means that for what ever reason you connected with that one moment. Then that one moment is something that you tell others and if you connected with it well enough then you find yourself telling others of it…A LOT.

Maybe I am just putting on myself. Maybe I just need to write and hope for the best. Yet that is just not my style. I think there are sometimes too many people shouting from the roof tops about something they really know nothing about. They make noise because they can. Yet it is just that, noise. They really are not saying anything that makes a difference. Have you ever noticed that it is the quiet person that has the most profound thing to say. That is who I want to be, the quiet one who has wisdom to pass along not the loud person shouting but really saying nothing.

So I have hit a wall. Will it matter? Or will my writing just be that loud noise? I have to beat this wall. I know that my story of faith could help someone. Why because it is not one that screams look at me look at what my faith did, no it says I had very little faith and it got me through a very hard thing.

So now to beat the wall and just keep writing. I hope you all are doing well and chasing dreams. One thought, I am chasing my dreams and what I have learned is that when we see someone who has reached the top. We think that those people are instant stars. We don’t see the work and hours it takes to make it to where they are. We just assume that their climb to the top was easy that it was handed to them. I think if you truly got to know them they would probably tell you a much different story. Yes those that reach our goals are proud of what we have accomplished, and we want people to know that we didn’t give up. That we knew in the end we would reach our dreams. Yet what we are not going to say is that there are days when it would just be easier to just work a nine to five job collect a paycheck and walk away. Yet our passion just won’t let us. My passion to write has always been there. Even when I was younger. I have been writing for many years and my dream to write a book has only taken thirty years to complete, but I have done it. That is what I have to keep telling myself, I didn’t give up. Did I have to make sacrifices? Yes. Was my book done when I wanted it to be? No. But the right book was written and it was all in the perfect time. Everything else before that was practice. All that writing was worth the time that was put into it. For now even though I still hit the wall, I know that I can climb it and I know how good it feels to reach the other side. Don’t give up.

Dee

Well I once again have been off of here for a while. Chasing dreams and making plans and living life. I changed jobs, yes after working at a place for six years, I upended my life and took a chance. I am chasing a dream and I have found a place that encourages that. I was warmly welcomed and I am very happy with where I have landed. I am writing and working away and have a good focused on what I want in my future. It is funny how different that future looks now. Year two without my husband is just about a month away. Sometimes that feels like it was yesterday and others it feels like years. I wonder if that is common. I have tossed the idea around about having a grief group together. To talk about that. What to expect now that it has been a couple of years. It all feels new to me. Like everyday something is new. A new thought, a new feeling, a new future. None of it what I thought it would be. I work and chase dreams all at the same time. I let go of the need of some people and found my own self in the process. It was like the death of my husband finished my journey to adulthood. Odd isn’t it.

Late last week we lost an amazing woman. A woman who has been a friend for many years and we have her service this Saturday. She taught me that while life is hard on your own, perspective is all you need to keep your focus where it needs to be. We live a life full of wishing and thinking if only. Well most of do anyways. Yet in the end it is up to us to chose what our perspective is. It is us to decide to be brave and chase dreams. I am excited about where I am heading. I believe that my second book is going to be as good as the first maybe even better. It will be longer anyways. I have to admit though I have missed blogging. I have enjoyed this platform for a long time and plan on continuing as long as I can. Grief is constant and constantly changing and evolving. Then you lose someone else and it all feels fresh all over again. I have been having to tell myself over and over again that this life is not it. There is more our spirits continue even when our bodies are gone. I choose to believe that, you may not, but I do. This life is just the place where we choose what our souls would be like. Are they filled with love, hate, anger, pride, beauty? We some or all of that.

Our perspective is part of that, our hearts are the other. I think of the wonderful woman we lost. We spent days writing her letters of love and memories, things we got the chance to say and to say thank you for being the blessing she is and that we were grateful that she was a part of our lives and we were a part of hers. I didn’t get to do that with my husband, and now that I think about it I don’t know that I could. I would have just sobbed. Losing love is so hard. We don’t stop loving, it is impossible to do that. I know some people say that happens, but it doesn’t, not if the love is real and pure and honest. When we lose someone that love changes, it can no longer grow because the other person is no longer with us to pour into the relationship too. It is a hard thing to learn to realize that we can no longer pour ourselves into a breathing living relationship. It changes. I wish I could describe this better, it is hard to. Because we want to think that our love will always grow, yet I have learned the harsh truth. It just can’t, because you no longer get what you need back. Not really. That is part of the grief. Maybe I am wrong. I have never been here before. I am not a pro at being a widow, I’ve only done this for a little while it is all new. I feel like a rookie.

Life may still be different, but I have to remind myself that life isn’t terrible, it is just different. It is up to me to make sure that life from now on is what I make it to be. I have learned how to walk away from what I don’t want and stop letting others control me. I finally make the decisions and if they are good or bad it is me that has to live with those consequences. I spent most of my life asking permission from others, seeking out their approval for me to live the life that I wanted. I walked away from that not too long ago. It was the most freeing thing I have ever done. I no longer care what someone else thinks, I have to do what is right for me. I have to find my own happiness and stop putting others in front of my own needs. I got tired of living a life trying to find validation through someone that I thought was so much better than me. What I learned is people like that really do not care about you, they care about what they can get out of you rather it be your time, your money, and sometimes both and then some. I truly feel like my life is really mine. That is the best feeling a person can have. In the end it was their weakness that brought me down, for they could only do what they wanted to because of me and when they took advantage of that, it brought unbalance into life. I need balance, and I have learned that if I do not have it then walking away is the right thing to do. Their power came from me, it is amazing what it feels like to take that power back. The great thing is I didn’t need a big scene, I didn’t need the last word or feel the need to make a point. I was just done and once I realized that, walking away and just leaving it as it was was fine with me. Because to people like that they will never admit that they ever did or are doing anything wrong. They are getting what they need and to them it is perfectly fine. Life is grand. Truth is they will just find someone else to control and get what they need. I have just learned that I am no longer going to be the person to fill the needs of people who cannot do the same for me. BALANCE is everything.

So my darlings, the place I have found myself in almost two years later is this. Chasing dreams is scary and exciting all at the same time, and finding balance in life is what leads to finding happiness. You are worth chasing your dreams, and you are more than what someone else says. It is up to you to find and know your worth, don’t ever let someone else control that. Be you because you are perfect the way God made you.

Dee

I know one of my last entries was about Mat and his accident. I wanted to take the time to let you all know he is doing great. Almost a full recovery. He will have a few things to get used to now. As of right now he is blind in one eye. It drives him crazy. We are praying the vision comes back but we are just not sure. There are no real answers for that. I know it makes him aggravated because before the accident he had perfect vision. For me the loss of some sight is something I can quite live with. He on the other hand struggles with it. For an eye is nothing compared to what they said I had lost. Him. I was warned that his personality would be different. That he would need a lot of care. It truly felt like they were telling me our lives would be completely different. They were wrong. Yes some things are different, but nothing like I was warned about. He is truly a miracle.

Life has changed once again for me. It is nothing like I thought it would be just five years ago. Five years ago I thought my life would be full of grandkids, sitting at home and enjoying retirement with my husband. Now I am a widow and with an amazing man who is now a miracle. And I am now in the middle of writing my second book. I only dreamed of writing one, and here I am on number two. I have gotten to a place where I usually get to while writing. The hard part, the part where every writer gets. The where is it going? The first book was tough in this stage but I am really glad that I pushed through and got it done. I have to do the same with this one. It is not that the story stops how can it? It is about the first seven days that Mat was in the hospital. The story ends happily, so it’s not like I have writers block. I just am to the point where I want to make sure it makes the point that I want it to. It is where self doubt happens. That point where I ask, is this really good. Does anyone really care? Then the big question, will this make a difference in someone’s life. That is the big one for me. I want people who read the book to come away with something. Not just a good story but to come away with something that means something to the reader. For them to walk away from the book with something that they carry with them and when they talk to someone about what is going on in their life, they say I just read this book, and it gave me hope.

Maybe I am putting too much pressure on myself too. Yet I think as a writer that is my biggest goal. To write something that made a difference in someone’s life. That is the goal. The first book only sold about 40 books I was shooting for at least 100. But I also know it is not the kind of book that people set out to read. Yet I know that it really is a good book, and those that needed to read it did and will. The next one will maybe have a few more readers but not many more. Yet in the end one thing is true. I am a published author and that is my dream and it came true.

Dee