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For as long as I can remember I have loved the written word. I have been a book worm since I learned to read. Books have the ability to take us to places far away and they help us to forget the struggles that we deal with on a daily basis. I had a teacher that helped with that love. She read to us at the end of everyday for at least half an hour. Even in fifth grade she did this. She brought books to life with the way she read, and we sat engrossed in the story. I learned how to read like that, my kids love to hear me read, and while in church I loved getting up and reading scripture. I would read it through many times along with the passages before and after so that I knew what was being said, why it was being said and how it should be read. I loved reading to the congregation, and felt honored to be asked to. But nothing, nothing beats writing for me.

I have written so many things as a young writer. Poetry, only once but it was really good, so good in fact the Senior English teacher stopped and asked if she might share it. And then tell me that she loved it. I was a freshman, sitting with my friends during lunch and when she walked away I was bombarded with questions. What poem and could they read it. I was embarrassed and I am pretty sure that I didn’t let anyone read that poem. Like most of the things that I write, very few read it. In fact I haven’t even told really anyone about my blog. I have written quite a few post but still have yet to tell family or even friends about it. One friend knows but because he truly supports me and I love his feedback on my posts, because they are honest. Also most of my blog posts are about dealing with the loss of Ed. I’m not sure why I haven’t really put my blog out there. Maybe is fear of being judged though I don’t think so. After all I put it out there for anyone to read. It’s not really a secret, it’s just not announced either.

I have written a few short stories, none of them finished, why because I worry about them being that perfect story, and in my mind they are not perfect because I doubt myself. So I did something that I thought would help. I keep seeing adds for this thing called Master Class. A large group of artists and scientists, actors, writers and just about anyone else we consider a master of their trade and they teach a class. I took one on writing and have learned so much that it excites me to write again. I loved that I learned no ones first draft is perfect. So write and if you don’t like the way it goes, then change it in the second draft. Simple, the main thing is to finish it. Just put the story out there and see what happens. I had hoped that during this quarantine that we are in I would have time to write. Nope I have one of those essential jobs. So while everyone else talks about the drag of staying home, I go to work every day. If this thing ever ends I really want a vacation!! Lol So I do what I can. I write on my lunch and after work if there is time. (There usually isn’t) All I can say is I hope soon we will get life back to normal.

Writing helps me get all the thoughts out of my head. I’ve been a journal writer since a very young age. I use to have books and books of journals that our teachers made us write in school. As I got older, I just kept it up. This blog is just another way to journal for me. I actually feel bad for my therapist for writing as much as I do, yet my writing helps me see where I am at in life. Since I am one who whom conceals my feelings, my writing is the place I can go back to and see what I was thinking. How I reacted and if that reaction is what I want it to be. Trust me they never are. We all know hindsight is 2020. What it does best, is help me prepare for the next time. And since it is written down I can go back and analyze over and over again. Lol

In the end here is what I want you to take away from all this rambling. Writing is like air to me. Much like drawing, or painting, or doing numbers, or playing music is to others. Writing is that for me. I am so blessed to have met so many other writers through my blog and other blogs. I have found support among my peers and you can never have enough support. Thus I have continued to write and work on my first book. It has reached the part where it breaks the heart, but in order for the story to end well the tough stuff must be written.

To my fellow bloggers out there, keep writing for you inspire me. Your honest truth is beautiful and I am blessed by it. May you always have a story to tell and the words to tel it. Stay safe!

Dee

We all know the sound of ones voice it is a constant sound running through our own mind. We know the sound of our loved ones who are around us daily, we learn how to read their emotions by the sound of their voice. What I have learned in my grief process is the fear of forgetting what they sound like. Yet what I have come to find is that you may not constantly remember what they sounded like but you do remember the emotion and thus the sound of their spirit. I am lucky, my husband was a musician, and a performer. We have many recordings of him, both professional and just him singing around the house with the kids. Yet it is not him singing that I remember most it is his excitement in teasing the kids. Of them and him having inside jokes that they constantly teased each other with. The laughing and watching silly videos together each trying to out do the other to make everyone laugh. I have learned that there is so much emotion tied to those memories that I no longer worry about forgetting them.

We all do this, think of your favorite song. I mean the one that you play over and over again. We have many songs like this. The one you play when you are sad, the one you play when you need motivation, the one you play when you are in love. You know these songs by heart, the first few notes all the way through to the end. If you close your eyes you can hear the sound of the singer then you can see the things that were happening in your life at the time that the song became attached to you, or you to it.

What I have learned is this, stop worrying about forgetting and just let the memories flood over you. You will never forget the love that you have for that person. It is the emotion that helps us remember. Their warmth, their laugh, the comfort you got from being next to them. We remember those things, the sounds of them follow. It is when we remember them and we let those memories linger instead of pushing them away that we get the feeling of them being near. The sense of them being close by is because we open ourselves up to letting their memory be constant. At first this was hard for me. The pain of losing him was all too much the constant reminder that no new memories would ever be made. It is a crushing blow. Yet I was wrong, new memories can still be made, they are just different. He is still with me, and my children, his spirit. It is the way we choose to keep him with us. So even though he is not physically with us, we carry his memory everywhere. On our trips, to special events, in our daily activities, we talk about him. We talk about what he did or didn’t like, we talk about the things that would have made him laugh, or even cry. We know that the time we are living in now he would have been our hero. He would keep us laughing, he would keep our spirits up, he would find incredible things for us to do to keep us from constantly worrying about getting sick or not. So now we do that, we find things to keep us busy. We find projects to take our mind off of the worry, and focus on what we can do. We have joined community projects for the little kids. Placing a teddy bear or making Easter eggs to place in our windows for the little ones to hunt. It is these things that help us feel like we are making a difference. We are praying for those on the front lines, for a cure, for God to move his hand and a miracle to happen and the disease just disappear. We are praying for you, that you stay safe and stay well.

It is what Ed would have told us to do. To stop thinking of ourselves and put others first. It is what he would have done. We pray for those families who are losing loved ones and cannot gather to mourn. We know the value of that, of being able to be hugged by loved ones when we are hurting so bad. We know all too well and we can’t even imagine being in your shoes. Please if you need someone to talk to my email is on my page. Write me, I am an ear and while I cannot physically hug you I can pray for you. That sometimes is exactly what we need. Someone to stand in the gap and pray for us because we just don’t have the words to even say, because getting “oh father” out can be difficult when we are dealing with loss.

The sound of a voice is something so special, and the loss of that voice is devastating to its loved ones. Yet take heart in knowing that there is so much more to the sound of the voice. And when you truly love someone you will not forget it. Because in the sound of their voice is their spirit, and that is something that only dies if you let it. Don’t get me wrong, you will miss their sound, their spirit, but you will never forget it.

-Dee

Day one, yesterday there was whispers in our little town that the virus had made it. We were lucky to have gone this long without a single case. Today that whisper was confirmed. Which means that for at least a week someone has been walking around with the virus if not longer. This is where life becomes scary. Did that person go to work? Did he or she stay home? Did he or she go shopping in our grocery store? And was I or my children anywhere where that person had been? Chances are with a small town, it only took one, and he or she has exposed the entire town. What can be said? After all, according to the government everyone will get this. Whatever our fait is, we must continue to have faith and pray that this will be over soon. Yet I learned something that concerns me.

Today I spoke with a teacher from my children’s school. She mentioned that while they are hopeful that down the road we would be able to have a graduation for our seniors, they didn’t know when. She also mentioned that they are currently working on distance learning all the way into August when the new school year starts. I did not react but it was surprising to me. Since government officials are saying that just thirty days and we can start getting back to normal. So to gain more information I started watching Facebook and some of the official places that I get updates from. One is a man who has our state’s top doctor that does weekly interviews. He gives updates on the things we need and answers questions. I asked him trying not to be so obvious about the possibility that we would still be under quarantine in August. His answer was simple, YES. I was stunned, his explanation was that because we flatten the curve we prolong the pandemic. Meaning that we could be living in quarantine for many months not just one or two. In order to keep people from panicking even more, they will just keep adding thirty days to the order. Then keep telling us that there is light at the end of the tunnel. This was almost crushing to me. I can only pray that we find some kind of relief soon. We are praying that the heat and humidity of the summer here will help kill off the disease, but it is only a hope, and many say it is a long shot. If it does then that means that we get more time to prepare, but it also means that come winter cases will rise again. I don’t know which is worse the hoping that we can buy more time or the knowledge that we could be fighting this for a year if not longer.

Here at home I keep the news off and try to only watch when everyone is asleep. I try to keep spirits up and keep the kids fed with big meals. We have taken drives around town not getting out of the car, and when the weather is nice we spend a lot of time on the front porch. I have even ordered new furniture to go out there so that we have comfortable places to sit since we will most likely be spending a lot of time there. This also means that there will be no swimming pool to cool off in this summer, and no baseball with friends. No taking trips down to the beach like I had planned. I know that most people think we are saving lives, yes we are but are you willing to not go to work for four more months? I don’t know how the economy will survive. They are pushing it as long as they can but it is going to get much worse before it gets even a little better. Hang on friends, this is going to be a long and very bumpy ride.

I am praying for all of you. That you stay well, that you stay safe and that this doesn’t cripple all of us finically. Stay strong, talk to someone if you need to, I am sending all the love I can out into the world. I pray you do the same.

-Dee

After my husband passed I constantly heard the words “New Normal”. At first I hated those words. I didn’t want to get use to the new normal, I wanted my life back. My husband, my love, my rock, my best friend. That is not an option. Now everywhere you turn you hear those very words “New Normal” said a million times by news anchors and analysts. I am not the only one now having to learn about the new normal. How odd it is for me to have a jump on such a terrible thing. No one wants a new normal, we would rather go on with our lives as if nothing has changed. Yet watching the death toll from this virus screams new normal for thousands of families. 2020 will leave a scar on humanity like none other why? Because it has taken a race that believes they have everything under control that we are an advanced species, and it has taught us the exact opposite. We are not ready, we are not in control, and we are not as advanced as we thought we were.

This lesson comes at a terrible price and new normal will be something counselors will be talking about for years to come. We are losing our past, our history, why because we are losing those who hold that knowledge at such a rapid pace that we don’t even have time to speak to them to gain it. Once the disease has set in we can’t even call or be around that loved one. There are a lot of people unable to say goodbye, and that will hurt our society deeply. How do I know? I was hundreds of miles away from my husband when he passed. Yes I was the last person to speak to him ever, but our conversation was a normal one. The I love you the same one that was said every day. Never once in the time that I hung up the phone til seven minutes later when my daughter called, did I even think that was that last time I would ever hear his voice or get to say I love you. That has left a deep wound and it will be a huge scar. Yet this great tragedy that has happened to me has given me the ability and the clarity to deal with this virus. It has also given my children the ability to as well. How?

We have been through what to us has been the most tragic year of our lives. Yet we made it through with grace, with love, and grit. Saying it wasn’t easy is the understatement of the year. So when our government asked us to stay home and not go anywhere, we thought in the last year that has been the easiest thing anyone has asked us to do. We can do that. My children don’t complain too much about having to stay away from friends and family, why? They know death, they understand the finality of that word. There is no coming back from that. So while they do miss their friends, we still speak to them and to family members on the phone and we understand that, that is good enough. We are already living in the new normal, we have been for ten months now. It doesn’t scare us as much as we thought it would. We can do the things that are asked of us easily they seem like such an easy thing to do. We know that staying home is so much easier than saying goodbye to someone you love. That, that is asking too much, and we realize that asking someone else to say goodbye to someone they love is too much to ask of them. So we stay home.

As of yesterday the government asked us to stay another thirty days in our homes. We watch in horror as businesses are closed and people lose their jobs. Yes families and the American dream are being destroyed as we sit safely in our homes. A part of me wonders if I didn’t lose my husband so that I would be prepared for this. Not that I am 100% prepared because I am not sure what will happen should something happen to one of my children. But I am prepared mentally to stay home for as long as needed because I know death. I will watch my personal savings dwindle down to almost nothing should it come to that. It will because of where I work. While I can work from home the work won’t last forever, it too will eventually stop because the business will stop should we go past April. Yet I know that what we are doing is the right thing. I know all to well that deep desire of wanting time to quickly pass and all of this just be done and over with. I did that with grief. Yet what I have learned is this. There is no fast forward in life, time is time you cannot make it slow down any more than you can make it speed up. If you really want things to get on to the new normal, then do your part. Stay home. Don’t make someone’s last goodbye be over the phone, that is way too much to ask of anyone.

-Dee

We are in a time that none of us ever imagined. To be told to stay home, to have what seems our lives put on hold so that we might save lives. I personally see this as being a hero. Many others do too. Yet I also work at a job that will not shut down because we don’t get the choice to. I am safe and the only person in my office the door is locked and no one can get in unless I let them in. It is a very quiet time. When I get home I write and am working on my writing style by doing short stories, and a few other things that help sharpen my talent. I love to be challenged by other writers because they help us grow as artists and as people. A fellow blogger had some wonderful questions that I think will be a great exercise to answer.

1. Who are you really?

2. Are you better at starting or destroying relationships? Why do you think this?

3. What is the biggest doubt you have?

4. Tell us the name of 3 best programs (TV, movie) that you have watched since being side-lined due to coronavirus lock-downs, quarantines, etc.

5. What product do you think the world could do without?

Bonus: If you died today, how would you be remembered?

1.) This is such a deep question, who am I really? After losing a spouse this question becomes the hardest one to answer. For so long I was Dee to his Ed and I knew who that was. A supporting, loving wife that honored her husband. My life was dedicated to him and our family and everything I did was for them. When your spouse dies, that identity died as well. As much as I tried to hold onto it. It was just gone. You feel like a ghost, and shell of a person that is lost. No matter how much you try to become alive again, the only thing that brings life is time, and a lot of it. Yet after ten months my new identity has started to rise. Dreams that I long held onto have woken up and I have decided to chase them. To finally become whom I was made to be so to speak. Not that being married stopped that, I just chose to lay them aside. I have now chosen to pick them back up. It is a scary time, and most likely not the greatest time to do this, but I have peace and know I am finally on the right path. So who am I? I am a dreamer, I am compassionate, I am full of love, I am strong, I am the best me that I can be. I have made mistakes, I am far from perfect. I prefer to be alone than in a big mass of people, but I also have the ability to be in a big mass of people and be okay with it. I love to be outside and out in nature is where I recharge. My kids are my life, they are the air that I breathe and this world is a better place because they are in it.

2) Well this question is one that I wish I had a positive answer for. I have learned that I am terrible at relationships. That my communication style is very much broken. Yes even in my marriage it was broken. Maybe it is because of my childhood or maybe it is a combination of a lot of things. It doesn’t really matter, I do not communicate well at all. I will always hide my feelings. Not feelings of love funny enough. I can tell people that I love them and mean it. It is all the other things in life that I find difficult to say. If something upsets me or worries me, I hide it. I deem those feelings unimportant and I will put on the mask of everything is fine when inside I am tortured. This is not healthy and it destroys relationships, all relationships. This is what I am working so hard to fix, and fixing that has a high price to pay. Because someone like me loves to be married, loves being in love, and having someone by my side. Yet the inability to say that something hurts or that something has made me scared or angry, only causes deep emotional scars that need to heal. So while I miss being in someone’s arms of having that support system next to me, being alone at this time is the only way to that I can figure out how to fix that.

3) Doubt, a big thing to most people. Some suffer from self doubt, others doubt religion, and the big thing I have learned about people is they doubt love. My biggest doubt isn’t myself or others, it is intentions. I find it easy to love others, and accept their love, but I am always looking at the intention behind that love. In my world most people look out for themselves. Their intentions are always going to be connected to what they can personally gain from the place you are in. Rather it be financial gain, emotional gain, or intellectual gain. How can you make a person feel better about themselves what are they gaining by being around you. I have spent most of my life being either a welcome mat, or a stepping stone for some people. Being naive enough to trust that intentions were always good. So for me my biggest doubt is other people’s intentions. That makes everything from work to relationships a very big challenge for me. It is also something that I am working on.

4) Three best shows? Well I really don’t watch a lot of TV or Netflix or other streaming service, and since I am one of the few that still gets to go to work during this time I am not watching much of anything. But I listen. I have joined Masterclass. A really cool website that some of our biggest artists from cooks, painters, writers, actors, directors, and photographers come together and teach their trade. I have been listening to the writers, beginning with Neil Gaiman. All I can say is it has been inspiring. I listen to music a lot, many different kinds. Lately Rap has caught my attention, there is some really good stuff out there. “Beautiful Pain” by Eminem has really spoken to my soul here lately. Finally I listen to quiet, there is something about shutting off the world and the negative things it has to say. Here is something I have learned a good writer is a good listener. If you are a writer, then practice listening.

5) The product that the world could do without? That would be like asking what animal could we just do without? I mean I could say a million things and someone could come along and make very good argument as to why that very thing is one of the most important things someone needs. I mean if I could I would get rid of mosquitoes yet I know that mosquitoes are a food source for bats, who are also a very important part of an ecosystem. So while they are a terrible thing during our summers, they are needed. Thus this could be the biggest question asked and must be carefully thought out. Or maybe I’m just overthinking like I do everything else. I guess in a way, my thinking is this, be careful on what you so easily throw away, because one day you may realize the value of it.

Bonus: If I were to die today, I want to be remembered as the person who loved.

https://tmituesdayblog.wordpress.com/2020/03/23/ thank you for inspiring this today. It was fun to add into your conversation. I hope you enjoy my responses!

Dee

When I was young my father always talked about how the air in Colorado was different. It smelled different. Well it doesn’t really smell different unless you count when it snows. Then it smells like snow lol. But I now know what he means when he says it feels different here. It does. We are staying in Manitou Springs and I love it here. The small town feel with Pikes Peak for the backdrop. It is beautiful here. There is a feeling in this place that makes it special, sure it is a tourists town, but it is different.

This is our second trip here, we came during the summer when it was hot. But the winter is a different game as well. First of all we were not even able to see the Peak the entire time here. The cold and snow kept the peak steeped in fog. Yet you can feel it there. The crowd is much smaller during the winter and voices are quieter and the pace is slower. This is a good time to stay in town and hit the shops. Going into as many as you wish and while we have been in many, there are even more that we haven’t been in. We were able to do old time photos, for a very reasonable price. Also we got Henna tattoos for the first time. Both were fun to do and because it is winter there really was not any lines to wait in nor appointments to have to make and keep. The flow of our days here was exactly what a vacation should be, easy. Even keeping with our English tradition of an afternoon nap. We stayed at a lovely hotel. No not your fancy name brand place, but one that has been ran by a local family for a while. The cost was very reasonable and the service here amazing. No, no big breakfast served but you wouldn’t want that with all the little coffee/breakfast shops that are here. Eat in those shops!! The food is amazing, fresh and the service always comes with a thank you.

Winter must be their off season and the proprietors are more relaxed less busy and more able to visit with you. Be ready to say where you are from many times because you will be asked. What is neat is we have met a few who actually know where we are from. No they haven’t actually been there, but they know our area. Traveling with five kids, my daughters boy friend joined us for this trip, isn’t always easy. Everyone wants to do something different or is hungry at different times of the day. But we seem to have done well taking turns and getting at least one thing in each of them wanted to do. Thus, for this mom, the trip has been very successful.

Usually I have some kind of spiritual experience on my trips, but this one has been a different kind of awakening. So at this time we are dealing with “the virus”. We are so tired of hearing “the Cronovirus” bla bla bla. Here is what we as a family have learned. You can’t let fear rule your life. In our state there has been three, yes three confirmed cases. In the entire state! Yet if you looked at the map that the press keep showing, you would think half the state was closed down because of it. We think how silly. We have washed our hands just like we always do, and the only real adjustment we have made was we have eaten our meals at later or earlier times so as to avoid the usual crowd. So far it has worked since most of the time we have been the only ones in the restaurant when we’ve gone in. Which kind of makes us feel special. After all if you’re the only family there you get really good service!

So this family has completely disconnected from the problems of the world and have truly relaxed and enjoyed our time. For once it truly feels like vacation. The long drive home begins at six in the morning. We are ready for that. Ready to be home and place our beautiful trinkets in their special places. And we have learned that life cannot stop out of fear. But the fear must be put into its proper place and life still be lived.

Dee

This was supposed to be a travel blog, but who gets to travel all the time? Certainly not a widow mother of four. Yet our first big trip of the year is just a week away. We are heading off to one of our favorite places. Colorado. I’m praying for good weather or at least to not get snowed in. We do want snow though as we don’t really get it here. I am excited and ready to get away. The past week has been tough trying to deal with life. Yet I am learning so much about myself. The good, the bad, the terrible, and the incredible. I have been all of that here lately. Grief does incredible things to a person and until you go through the hard ones you will just never know. To lose a parent is heartbreaking you miss them so much. To lose a spouse at a young age is heartbreaking as well, the one person that you were to be with for the rest of your life, and then they are just gone? Lets just say the phrase “it’s not fair” has been used so often that really it has lost all meaning. I mean how many times have you said that since you were old enough to talk? I was a teenager once, it was a phrase that was never tired out. And now? It doesn’t even describe the place I am in on this wild path that God has set before me. To lose a child? That to me is a grief that I could never comprehend. Those women and men are strong.

I thought this was to be a travel blog to write about my travels and share the incredible pictures that I catch along the way. Instead this has really became a blog on dealing with my grief. Maybe one day my children will stumble across it and they can read their mothers words so that when I’m gone they will have some sort of guide on how to continue on when life “isn’t fair”. I learned something about myself this past week. I am not who I thought I was, but I am better than I should be. We took personality quizzes at work to see how we measure up. At first I thought that my measure was weak. I am an Idealists. Which pretty much means that I live my life in a mess, with my head in the clouds, you want me on your team, I am a hopeless romantic, I am going to make peace and swallow any feelings I may have because I will not do confrontation with anyone, and whatever my dreams are I will not give up on them. No matter how long it takes me I will chase them and I am more than likely to achieve those dreams than anyone else because I just don’t give up.

What I use to think was that because of my personality was weak I would let people walk all over me. Truth is, I am not weak, what I am is someone who handles things differently than the type A personality. What a type A personality thinks of me is that I don’t have the ability to be “blunt” as they describe themselves. Truth is I have the exact same thoughts as a type A personality I just have the self control to stop and think how my reaction will not only effect the situation, it also has an affect on a person. That is what a type “B” personality can do. They have the uncanny ability to take themselves out of the picture and understand that any reaction must be the correct one. At least for me anyways. Why? Because I am also an Idealists. I don’t just see what is in front of me, I step out and look at the whole picture. Not just months out but years. Which is so true because the first thing I always ask myself before getting too upset, is will this matter in five years? If the answer is no then I don’t waste time worrying about it.

Some will always think that I am weak. Yet others say that I am the strongest woman they know. These people know me. They are some of my closest friends. They know all the trials that I have been through and see that I have made it to the other side of them. Here is something new for me, something that still catches me off guard. I have had a few people tell me that I have inspired them. That my running has. It’s so odd to hear that, and even odder to try and believe it. Yet here is the thing, these people are not trying to be nice, they are being honest and I’ve learned that my answer to that should always be thank you. Why because their feelings need to be validated. I can not control what inspires someone. But if it is how they feel and it affects something in their life for the positive then I am honored by it. I don’t run to inspire, my running is actually quite selfish of me. Because I do it for myself. Because it makes me feel better. That is why it is odd for me to hear that. But it is something that I just have to accept and keep doing.

So here is the bottom line. This journey is to find myself. To reach some kind of finish line and know who I am. Here is the thing about my Idealistic type “B” personality. I truly believe that one must never stop growing as a person. That everyone you meet comes into your life for a reason. And while some say that people will either grow you or you grow them, I just don’t believe that is true at all. No because people who love control and power will always believe that they are growing someone else and don’t realize that they haven’t grown in years. If that is where you are please be careful as you maybe doing more harm than good. Because you cannot grow someone past where you personally are. I believe that if you look to see how you can grow and learn from someone only then can you truly help them grow too.

I may be wrong who knows, you know since I am just an Idealists and a type B personality. What do I know? I know me. That is what I know.

Dee

When you’ve lost someone as close to you as your spouse, it brings lonely to a whole new meaning. It did for me anyways. I went from my families house to my husbands. For twenty one years I have lived with and taken care of someone. Once that was gone it was hard to fill that hole. I thought that that meant that I needed to once again find someone to take care of. My children all but one are really out of the house and suddenly not only did I lose my spouse, I have a very large case of empty nest. Yes I still have two kids at home, but really most nights I come home to a very empty house. My son is out with his friends and my daughters are out either working or out with friends as well. It is hard to walk in some days. So I did it, I threw in the towel and decided that I should date again. I found an amazing man. He was supportive and kind and loved the kids and cared about me as well. If you wrote it all down on paper it was perfect. Yet something kept telling me it’s not right. I don’t know what “It” was, all I know is that “it” wasn’t right. Did I fall in love? I would like to think so, but reality is, it was just too soon. I couldn’t help but compare him with Ed. Not fair to him, and not fair to me either. In his mind we were perfect. Nothing is perfect. Especially when you are in a part of your life when everything is a mess. Trying to have a relationship during that is not good for you or for the other person. Why because I was not myself, no matter how much I would like to think that I was. No I was running. Running from the fact that I needed to grieve.

I have met many widows, some who have been grieving the loss of their spouse for ten plus years. I kept telling myself that I did not want to be that widow, the one that could have many years of happiness in a second marriage but just couldn’t get past the loss. What I have learned is that I was becoming that widow, because instead of facing the grief, I was running from it. It caught me in a whirl wind of a mess and hurting someone that I truly cared about. We are a dangerous people when we are hurting. We lack empathy and emotional connection. So while I was telling myself that I was “in love” I wasn’t. I actually felt nothing. A very dangerous place because we hurt people when we do that. And when marriage came up, I was all for it. Until, one fight, one little breakdown of communication and it all slapped me in the face. I was fixing to hurt someone really bad, because I didn’t have the courage to face the grief. I was jumping in head first and not even looking.

So I broke it off, it hurt him greatly, sadly it didn’t even hurt me. Which is why I knew it was the right choice. You can’t give your heart away when it belongs to someone else. And my heart belonged to someone else, someone I could never have again. I don’t know if this is part of grief, to look for something that filled that deep hole that was gouged out when I lost my husband. Only time can fill that hole and once I realized that, even though it hurt someone, dealing with the grief is the only way to truly heal that hole. It is the only way people. Nothing else will do it. So the only way that I can fill that hole is to go through the grief, the ugly crying the putting things away. Mind you I am not trying to erase him, I’m trying to heal my broken heart. That means that I have to let go, and to realize that he will never again walk through that door. And putting his things where they belong and getting rid of things like socks that will never be worn again, or silly shirts that no one really wants. That is what is required for me to truly move forward in this life, to truly begin the slow climb out of the trench. It will hurt, it will be painful, there will be tears there will be anger, and laughter, but I will get through it.

I have my children and one of my best friends coming over to help me. People who will not care about the tears, who will shed some with me and not judge me for what I cry over and what I don’t. Once it is done, it will just be another step out of the trench. I never meant to hurt anyone, but the right thing was done, I cannot take the decision to leave, back, as much as it hurt to do it. If you are looking for answers on how to grieve after the loss of a spouse, there really is no book. It’s much like having children, there is no handbook, it’s just handed to you and you are expected to deal with it. I am doing my best, I am not perfect, I am a mess. But in order not to be that widow that is still grieving ten years later, I have to face the grief and start to heal. I want to love again, I want to be loved again, but as long as I don’t deal with the grief, I will never be able to.

Dee

Grief is not predictable. It’s the oddest and the toughest thing one goes through. At first it is a challenge just to breathe most of us liken it to being in the ocean with waves pounding you during the worst storm ever. Then slowly, ever so slowly everything calms down. What happens next is the most unexpected thing, well it was for me anyways. I noticed about a month later that our lives began to have a pattern. Friday through Tuesday day everything went pretty normal, well as normal as you can be after a spouse passes away. From Tuesday evening through Thursday night life was extremely hard. That is where the waves of grief would once again pound the shit out of us. The kids felt it even, we just started hating Thursday completely. Why Thursday? Simple, it was the day we were use to him coming home. When he was alive it was the best day of the week, he came home and we couldn’t wait to see him. The knowing that there would never again be a race to the door to see him to get another embrace from him washed over us and so Thursday became the worst day of the week. As time has passed, Thursdays became Thursdays again, but now we come to a date the 25th of every month. It is now the calendar that we watch as the year anniversary creeps closer and closer to us. It seems like now instead of a few days per week we are now down to one week out of the month. It starts around the 21st and really crashes down on us by the 25th. I wish I could explain what this is like for us, all I know is that it happens. The waves just have gotten less.

Notice I say less, not smaller, the grief still hits very hard and it is still hell. I had someone ask me the other day how I was. Okay it was my counselor but it wasn’t the usual “How are you doing?”, it was the real how are you doing. For the first time in a very long time it felt real when he asked. And I said I was doing okay, and I am, but I haven’t been great. I thought I was, but something happened that completely showed me I wasn’t. I learned very quickly that I wasn’t in the place I thought I was, and I was kidding myself to think I was. What I had been doing was finding anything and everything to distract myself from dealing with Ed’s death. I had told myself that I had grieved enough, that I was honestly going through the process. Reality was, I wasn’t. I went until I was so exhausted that I could no longer fight back the tears and then I would spend hours crying in my shower or in my room. Then I would tell myself that, that was me processing everything and grieving. It’s not, I knew it wasn’t, and it wasn’t until I said it out loud to my best friend that it was true. What I had been doing was wrong, and it is time to fix it.

It is time for me to get through the hard days of grief. My counselor said most people don’t even start really grieving until the second year. At first I thought well that’s not me, but reality is that is me. I’m just three short months away from the one year anniversary and I am just now realizing that I have done nothing but press the fast forward button on life and tried to skip steps. My friends I am telling you, there is no fast forward button. No matter how far into the future I look, I cannot move forward without going through the grieving process. I have taken steps but from what I can tell only two, and some days I think I step backwards. It is not a race to get done, it is a journey to heal, and I needed help doing that. I thank God for my counselor. If you don’t have one, get one. I am no where near the mountain top here, but I am finally ready to start my journey. Life will be good again, I just have to stop skipping steps. One day the waves will be smaller and they will no longer drown me. They will never stop, that is the reality. But they will get smaller.

-Dee