family – The Journey of a Lioness

It’s a Beautiful Messy Life

The Saga Continues…….

I have realized that the more I share the wild crazy stories that actually happen to me, the more people actually read my blog. I guess the struggle of finding true love and the fact that I am secretly in love with my best friend is very entertaining. Or maybe just real. My life is far from perfect. It is a mess and you know what? I love it. I love my messy crazy life. Because all this time I’m trying to feel like I’m living. That solution was simple, make friends, go out, take risks, these things are what help make me feel alive. No I’m not talking about romantic but real friendships.

While most of my current friendships are all men, you have to remember that I am more comfortable being “one of the guys” than I am being one of the princesses. And let me tell you men have taught me so damn much. Women want to talk about their health, what men are not doing for them, their emotional needs not being met, how tired they are. Men talk about funny stuff, they laugh and joke with each other and they just don’t take life so serious. They have to be serious at work they just want to relax and be happy when they are not at work. And I happen to agree with them I don’t want to be serious, I want to laugh and enjoy life.

Chapter ONE

Not long ago I talked about “Chad” the guy who just broke up with his long term girl friend. Well it must be something about this year because he isn’t the only one of many that I have learned of. All long term and all I truly thought well he is off the market for good when they got together. I was wrong. I never want to support the breakup of a long term relationship as I know how hard it is to even get in one.

But if I’m going to tell this tale then I have to start at the beginning. Because “Chad” is someone special and I hardly know him, but I do know something. If God said I could have a chance with him but I had to be patience and not push. I will work on that patience like it is a full time job. He to me is worth that wait. The old me says “But what if he never gives you a shot!” The new me says “If it is meant for me he will come to me.” Even if it is not him the right man will indeed come into my life without me doing anything. In the mean time being friends with someone has taught me that you are always going to learn something from someone as long as you are open to learn.

I met “Chad” about nine months after Ed passed away. A friend and I as you know went to Vegas all those years ago. (It seems like just yesterday.) We both got jobs bar tending to make extra so that we could pay for the plane tickets. That is where I met “Chad” he was this breath of excitement and air for me. He was heading to a concert and I decided that I was going to go too. So I bought a ticket and went. It was an amazing concert and while my seat was no where near his I ended the night standing right next to him. Which I have to say really ticked some very pretty very young women off. As they were enjoying hitting on him and his buddy.

Then I show up and squeeze between the two and suddenly they are not paying attention to the young women at all. There we are our arms around each other singing at the top of our lungs and those moments were the first time I got of glimpse of happiness after Ed passed. I have never had so much damn fun at a concert. Yes Bon-Jovi was amazing. But Fun? Fun was this concert with these two long time friends. It brought me back to my youth so fast and I didn’t even realize it at the time. Why because I grew up “little sister” to a lot of guys. Not quite the girl to date but the girl who was gonna hang out and be cool about it. That was exactly the way I met Ed. There I was again just the “little sister” no expectations but being in the moment. Living.

Oh my dear friends when the thing you want hits you in the face and you didn’t see it! I bet my guardian angle was like “God please help me she is not paying attention!” God was like “sorry dude she thinks she likes this young guy, looks like we are going the long way around.” Who knows!

Back to the story…lol sorry. As he and I talked and shared music and our lives suddenly I was keeping score for his co-ed softball team. Again I didn’t see it. Even after the following happened. One time I sat frozen in my lawn chair at yet another softball game. Because I had sent him a song that no one really knew, I had certainly never heard it before. But I instantly connected to it. There it was playing on his phone. Oh how I couldn’t move I asked myself could it mean anything? I searched for his face but I never found it until the song was long over. A missed chance? Maybe, later that night I got a text from the young guy and I walked away. I suck and I know it people. Probably the biggest mistake I made….but the truth is this. I am a very different woman now than I was then, and some how I think I am a much better woman. Which means the long way around is what had to happen.

Maybe just maybe we both had journeys to take. Him to find then lose something, and me to find myself too.

My favorite memory of him was one night I lied to him so that he would give me a ride home from the bar. “I’ve had too much to drink will you give me a ride home?” I climbed onto the back of his motorcycle and he took me for a ride. Something I had been teasing him about for weeks. On one side of us a beautiful starry night and the other side, a summer storm off in the distance. Lightening and the smell of rain on the touch of a breeze. I wrapped my arms around him and tried to absorbed it all in. Then he dropped me off and kissed me. It felt so good to be kissed like that, but it also scared the hell out of me. And I walked away. We have established that I am an idiot right? Look I am not saying this guy is the “one” what I am saying is just maybe if I would have some patience and not try to rush anything then maybe both of us wouldn’t have had to go through such traumatic relationships.

Chapter Two?

Not this time people. This time I have something that few people have. I have a superpower. Happiness. I know that my happiness is not in a person. It is in me. It is even in a very specific spot. Out by the fire pit that my kids and I built. Laying on my little outdoor furniture couch soaking in the sun with a fire going. Day or night, there that very spot with nothing more than music and peace. There is where I am happy. It is so set within my soul that I can close my eyes and feel the sun shinning on my face and my skin. I can feel the warmth of the fire warming up my feet. It is the perfect place in my mind. It took me months to know to look for it and even more months to find it.

That is the journey that “Chad” is on now. Getting back to or finally finding the place where he is happy. Not happy with someone but happy from within. That is why we are attracted to people. They seem to have something we want. The true attraction I believe is finding someone who is happy within. And wanting that and even if we don’t have it just being close to it we seem to think that we will find it. The truth is we all have to take this journey, sometimes multiple times in our lives. But I am telling you, after walking this journey for six years and finally finding it. Every single step, every let down, heartbreak, and tear was worth it. Because now it is my eyes that sparkle when I’m laughing and having fun. Now I am the fresh air of laughter and fun that he could quite possibly need.

So the story continues and instead of trying to rush to the end. I am enjoying the beginning again. The flirting on the phone the kidding around knowing somewhere in the back of our minds we are not kidding we just have to find the place of trust. I can be what Dave has taught me to be. Consistent. There when I’m needed without asking for anything in return. I have learned how to be a friend. To listen and support and mostly not push anything. If you think this sounds crazy? Four years Dave has done that. One night when things got too intense we both gave in and an amazing night happened. I would never trade that night for anything. No we are not some long term lovers, but we are two people who do love each other.

Do you see it people? I have gone from being the side kick character in the story to the main character in my life. Welcome to living. I have found it.

-Dee

Cherishing Halloween Traditions: A Family’s Journey

The Tradition

Halloween has always been one of my families favorite holidays. Why? Well for my kids who have always had amazing costumes. It is a time to get to dress up and pretend to be someone else. A hero, an actor, who ever! It’s also about the candy. I mean they are kids. For me it is the start of what I call the magic of the holidays. It always felt so magical this time of year, and each week and celebration all seems to add up to the magic of Christmas. This year I spent all week thinking it just will not be the same. It wasn’t but it was. You see my son had told me a few weeks ago that a few friends would be coming over and they would be going out to trick or treat together.

All week long I kept telling myself that I should do extra chores to make sure the house was perfect for when his friends were here. Not that my home is really messy. I mean when you can have a perfectly cleaned home in half an hour it can’t really be all that messy right? Anyways, as Halloween got closer the more I just didn’t want to do anything. Why? Because in my heart of hearts I just knew that this year would be sad for me. Because we live almost out of town we get very few kids. Honestly if I got one it would be a record. The last few years my son has done this tradition with his friends. They all meet up and go out together while I’m stuck at home eating most of the candy that I bought. This year I figured it would be no different. Well school ended and so did football practice and I get the call. “Hey mom the crew is ready to be picked up.”

I tell him okay I’ll be there in just a few. I have an amazing job that allows me to leave work and pick him up every day. Usually they practice until five, today they got out a little early. So I went to pick up the “crew.” When I pulled into the school parking lot, there they were. These four very different boys. They are all unique in their own way and I love them all. We laugh and giggle and make jokes as we stuff all four of them into my very small car. It’s a small town and we don’t live far from the school. I get them home and drop them off with the promise that I will be back after work with soda, popcorn, and fixings for our traditional Chicken Noodle dinner. They happily waved and walked into our home. My heart strings tugged, and yet I pulled away with one thought. God allowed my husband to pass for what ever reason, I am not sure. But what I am sure of, is he put these boys into my life for a reason too and my heart is filled with joy and love. So as I head to work I did something I don’t normally do. I prayed, not to ask for anything, just simply to say thank you. I may have lost one love, yet there is still so much more out there.

After work I went to two stores to get all the things for dinner and hurried home. I called to let my son know I’m on my way and asked him to meet me outside to carry the groceries in. I pulled in and out came all four boys laughing and joking , grabbing all the groceries. It made my heart filled with love even more. They bring them in and while laughing and talking they put them away. Working together as a team. Then my son asks me hey did you get my text? I told him no. Well he had asked me to pick up his girlfriend on the way home. I told him sorry buddy I missed that one. I’ll go get her now. So I was off again. As I’m heading across our little town, I thought about all the years when my girls were little. The tradition of going over to grandma Rhea’s house for Halloween. Grandma Rhea lived in the “fancy” neighborhood in town and it really was where everyone went to trick or treat. I miss those years so much and I miss walking around with my little ones. It was such a sorrow of knowing that part of life was over for me, and I just knew it was a part that I dearly love.

I picked up the girlfriend and head back home. When we walk in the house is loud and filled with the noise of boys. (if you are the mom of a boy you know this noise especially if you have more than one.) The girlfriend who is a classmate joins in and assures me that these boys are exactly like this in school. I’m thinking to myself, they may need to double the pay of our teachers. So I cook and visit with everyone and just love this socializing that they do and that they bring me into so easily. I also do the dishes that I didn’t do the night before because I’ve had my own mental battles this week. Not once did someone make a comment about how clean or unclean the house is. Except the girlfriend who said “wow, your house is nice!” This made my heart swell because we have worked very hard on the house and we are proud of it.

All too soon it was time for them to go out. But one says, “hey I need to get some pictures, my mom will kill me if I don’t.” So we go outside for the traditional group picture. there is a slight twinge in my heart as I wonder will this be the last one. They are getting older. I keep waiting for them to say goodbye and head off. Then my son says, “Okay mom are we taking the truck?” as he scrambles to help find a hoodie for his girlfriend as the weather has really cooled off. I stare at him as if I didn’t understand what he was saying. “The truck?” I asked. “Yeah, you know you gotta drive us around!”

I can’t even begin to tell you the joy that leaped into my heart. “Oh yes!” I say as I head inside to put on shoes and grab the truck key. As I head to my car to grab my wallet, I snap a picture and send it to all my friends. “The smile this mom has when her son says, ‘you have to drive us around mom!” This very small part of me seemed to just vibrate right into place. I was not being left out, I was a part of the tradition. I also went and told my daughter who lives with us, that she too needed to come. Tonight no one would be left out. As we put down the tailgate and load everyone into the back of the truck my son says, “mom we have more to pick up in front of the pizza place.” I tell him okay and with me driving and my daughter riding shot-gun, and a truck bed filled with these amazing kids we headed off.

As we go down the street my son calls me and says that his girlfriends mom would like it if we stopped at their house so she could see them all. Of course we can! No one is left out tonight. We stop in front of the pizza shop and pick up one and then take off to his girlfriends home. We get there and we all jump out of the truck. There is laughter and greetings. As we are standing there visiting and letting her take pictures, another group joins in. A large group with whom I’ve never met. But they all know each other, and more laughter and visiting. Suddenly I hear “we are going with Mickey!” and our total is now increased by five more. We all load back into the truck and off we head slowly to the good neighborhood where it is an easy park and walk and you can get a ton of candy. Suddenly I realized that this was the very thing my heart had quietly hoped for all week. Just one more year out with my kids, enjoying the place that we call home. It was a fantastic evening. Yet it wasn’t over.

After it gets dark we wrap up the trick or treating. We drop quite a few off with parents, and then head home with all the kids I started out with. We make one more stop at our neighbors who is the grandparents of one of the girls that has joined us. On our way back to the house my son’s girlfriend calls her mom to let her know that we would be eating dinner then watching a movie. No not a scary one! Then my son does something even more amazing, he invites her mom over for dinner.” Please come and join us if you would like to.” Her mom, teases him a little and asks are you sure because that kind of sounds like you don’t really want me to. In which he says, “In Oklahoma that is the polite way to invite someone, because if you do not feel like coming you can say thank you but maybe next time. If you don’t want to.” He is right in my family the come and join if you would like to part is a polite way invite someone who may have plans and can’t make it, that way they don’t feel obligated to say yes, and not feeling guilty for saying no. In the end she agreed to join us and advised that she would be there in a bit. Then we head inside for a chicken and noodle feast that warms the heart and the soul.

Chicken noodles, mashed potatoes, and rolls. Served pipping hot and made with love. A knock on the door signals that the mom has arrived and she is warmly greeted by all. We then usher everyone to the table. Including the mom who insists that she shouldn’t because she was not included in the count for dinner and wanted to make sure there is enough for everyone. My son and I both assure her that there is plenty. We sit and visit and laugh and just have this amazing connection. This is family. Those boys and girls they all know they are welcomed in my home and now that the girlfriend’s mom has joined in, she too knows that we are family here and I hope she feels that too.

We talk about the proper way to eat chicken and noodles in Oklahoma. Like gravy on top of mashed potatoes. Now they are not from the south they are from the north and this just seems so odd to them. But the mom tries it anyways. Yet just like all the individuals at the table we all eat them different ways. One boy doesn’t care for CK&N as he says his mom makes it all winter long. So he fills his bowl up with the potatoes and asks for some cheese and has that for dinner. Another says that even though he is from Oklahoma, he doesn’t care for his to be mixed and only eats the CK&N. We all laugh and the only thought I had was not only was the food warm and filling, our souls got filled too. It truly helped me understand the real meaning of soul food. Because not only did it feed the body, it fed every soul there too. Soon though the dinner was complete and it was time to call it a night. I have work in the morning and I really do need my rest. We hug everyone say good night, and with that, we settle down.

I still have not stopped smiling. I have had the best Halloween that I’ve had in years. I swear that my husband was out there with us as Halloween was his favorite night of the year. Mainly because of nights like these. His mom and his aunt always made Halloween special for him. With tales of toilet paper and shaving cream that the moms throw on them one time. I’m telling you they had some amazing stories together and I miss listening to them laugh and tell them. But I hope that tonight, sticks with my son and his memory. So that one day while sitting as a family having CK&N on Halloween, he will tell the stories of all the things we did on Halloween nights.

-Dee

Take your moment…..

It is finally fall! Okay well close to it. But here in the heartland football season has started. For this girl it always brings back the best memories. Sitting in the stands and the excitement of school spirit. I was a band kid. We sat as a group and played, cheered, and for me I learned about football. I was lucky to have guy friends who would answer questions and teach me what football was. It grew this love of the game that I never imagined I would have. As an adult I still have that passion. I am so lucky to have four amazing kids. I have band kids, a cheerleader, and the last one, a football player. I know it is a simple time that quickly passes by, but I am so thankful for it. Last night, I learned something so inspiring that I have to share.

Last night we traveled to a town even smaller than our own to play 7 on 7 football. If you know anything about football, 7 on 7 isn’t real. Our school agreed with the other school to play this way. Why? Well because the other school only had seven players and this could be the only chance they get to play. I have no idea why our school agreed to do it. All I do know is that I am so glad they did. Or I would not have gotten the chance to learn two lessons.

Lesson One….Life is going to Crush you…Get BACK UP.

The game started out and I cringed looking at our size verses there. One young man on their team was so small. Number 10. I will never forget Number 10. He was maybe just five feet tall and all of about one hundred pounds! Yet there he was on that field being a part of that team. He was short and fast which is why he was playing a running back position. In one play they hand him the ball and he takes off. Only to be met by one of our biggest defenders. Who like he has been taught, wrapped this kid up in a text book tackle. He landed just right to knock the wind out of little Number 10. Let me tell you the fans quickly got very quiet. Hearts were pounding and there Number 10 laid on the ground fighting to catch his breath. Coaches ran over to him and talked him through sitting up and gaining that breath back. It was heart stopping to say the least. Finally they got him back on his feet and with a wave to signal that he was okay the crowd erupted into thunderous applause. Still a little rattled, Number 10 rejoined his team. Many patted him on the back and checked on him giving him words of encouragement. Some asking “you good?”. With a nod of his head play resumed.

This amazing small kid got knocked down but he wasn’t out. Our team had the bigger size and more experience on the field. Yet the other team was not going to give up. They were going to give it their all. By the start of the second quarter, our team was a head and the other had not scored. Yet again Number 10 comes into play. Our team was on offense, for those that don’t know, offense is when your team has the ball and is trying to score. Anyways our team has the ball and they run a passing play. The ball is hiked and our QB drops back for the pass, all this time Number 10 sees the intention of the play. This little guy comes out of no where and intercepts the ball! Their fans erupt into the biggest cheers of the night! While our team stopped him before they scored, that one play will be forever burned into the memory of Number 10 for the rest of his life. What an amazing feeling that must have been for him. Did it make a difference in how the game ended? No, but maybe it will make a huge difference in that kid’s life. He was knocked down, and crushed, but he got up. He got up and kept going determined to finish what he started. He persevered and just a short time later had an amazing moment of pride and elation, in that blink of an eye for just a short time, he was a hero.

If you know anything about me, it is that I am a widow. I know all about life’s ability to crush you when you least expect it. For the last five years I have done everything from running away from pain to diving into it. None of it fun, all of it hard, and the only thing that mattered was getting up. The only good thing about diving into the pain is eventually you will get to break through the surface and gasp in that sweet air. I have had a very tough month learning how to sit in grief, so that I can mourn and heal, only to hope one day I can again catch that full breath and fight for my moment of pride and elation. I am on my way to loving and finding myself again. My moment will come.

Lesson Two…….SHOW UP…..

The picture above is of my son and my daughters boyfriend, we call him Jer. Jer has been overseas for the past 19 months. This young man is incredible. He has stepped up and truly helped this family both emotionally and physically since we lost Ed. So him being gone had left a pretty big hole in our lives. Just this week he got to come home. It wasn’t easy for him. His first flight was delayed making him miss his connecting flight, which in a very crazy way had him having two MONDAYS in one week!! I know it sounds impossible but trust me because of where he started from and here at home, even though he had to spend a night somewhere he indeed, still got home on the same day just 12 hours later. Which really was the better deal. Anyways he is finally home.

My son so excited to finally have another man around, invited Jer and my daughter to his football game. As you can see they made it! Their week has been so full. After getting home late on Tuesday, he and my daughter spent two days test driving and buying her a brand new car! I am so proud of her for doing this, she has worked very hard for that goal. And even though they were both exhausted, they came to the game. They were late and only saw the last quarter that was played, they still showed up. If you look closely at my son you will see what that meant to him. As they were released from the coaches huddle, he made his way over to us and seeing Jer crashed into him, bursting into tears. Someone Showed Up for HIM. Yes mom shows up all the time, but Mick needs men in his life, men that will show up when they say they will. It may not seem like a hard thing to do, showing up. Yet, think about it, this man had been traveling for over 36 hours, he had jet lag, spent the previous two days helping my daughter buy a car, and even though it would have been easier on him to just come to the next game, still showed up. That is what matters.

As a parent I know that is the kind of sacrifice you make. You work 50 plus hours a week and you still make the sacrifice and show up for your kids. That is what makes good men, good women, good parents. Showing up matters.

Showing up matters in everything. If Number 10 didn’t show up after getting knocked down, he would have never had that amazing moment. If Jer and my daughter had decided not come, Mick would never have gotten the moment when he saw that he mattered to someone other than mom. If I don’t show up and face grief and let it get me stuck in life, then I would never have the moment I had last night. Where I am finally truly and amazingly feeling joy and happiness again.

These two simple lessons, getting up and showing up, all lead to one thing, getting your moment. Number 10 faced a giant and got a beautiful moment because he didn’t give up. My son got a moment because someone was going to put his need over their own. I am getting this moment because I chose to focus on myself and heal so that I can focus on my kids. All of them were there last night. His sisters all support him in such amazing ways. He knows he is loved, supported, that we are proud of him and we are proud of each other. We are family, we have been knocked down. But we got up, we fought the fight of grief and sorrow, and are beating it little by little. We were down but we are not out and each moment like last night, we will win.

-Dee

One Day At A Time

Not long ago I did something I never thought I would do. I started out at a new job, no this is nothing new, everyone does it. But not everyone says I’m leaving a good job and I’m taking another to get where I want to be. Around here you are lucky to find a job that pays well enough for you to drive to it. I live in a small community, and I know what you are thinking. Just move to the bigger city. I am not a city person. I am a nice quiet street with hardly any neighbors to bother you kind of person. I have that where I am, so I stay. It is a good community and an amazing school system. We stay.

Anyways, I did drive to an amazing job that I loved. The people were kind and knew their jobs well. Even better than that they knew how to do work at work and leave home at home. Yes, there were times when we talked about kids or husbands and life, but for the most part we talked about work. Then worked hard. I enjoyed the job even though it wasn’t really all that challenging, what it did do was show me how to run a large payroll system and I learned the capabilities of what they can do. Then life hits as always trouble is around the bend. My personal life went south and I needed some time away so my son and I joined an old friend and her son and off to Branson for a weekend. It is what I needed. I talked about work and how much I have learned and what amazing things these newer systems can do.

That is when my friend offered me a position at her office. A place I had worked before, it was hard to leave that place but I had to. I was so distracted by life and drowning in work that I just could not focus on anything. Grief does that, it distracts you even when you think you are doing good, for a while it is just always right in your face. The job I had was way too much and not focusing meant things got behind and I needed to breathe. So I left.

Yet here she was offering a dream position. HR Administrator. A position I would have to work years for and then hope that I would stumble on an opening. As those are few and far between. Then she dropped the bomb on the pay and I knew I was in. I didn’t have to drive anymore and I would no longer have to miss anything like ballgames and programs my son would be in. It’s just a few short more years and he will be out of school and I will miss these busy years. So being close to home is worth so much more in these last few years of motherhood that I have left. I mean I will always be a mom, but there is a big difference between a school mom and an empty nest mom.

Needless to say, I took the job and have been there almost two months. It has flown by. My weeks have been nothing but a blur. Suddenly we are making changes to policies and looking at adding some features that I believe will add value to our systems. Systems that have not changed since I left. Which in a way is kind of sad, that place is always moving and growing and it’s systems should be growing with it. Not only that but so should the people, they should feel as if they are being invested in that they are part of a bigger team and our projects are a big part of success for the team. I am working on building a new culture for the company. One of teamwork and our success is their success as well. Being known for a safe work environment is something we need to stress to our guys and an incentive program will really help us on this.

There are a lot of things the owners are implementing are really exciting. I get to be a part of that. It has been eye opening how much of a step back really helped move me forward. I have lived most of my life with people who said “you’re not ready yet.” I have always been the kind of person who set out to do what others said I couldn’t. Yet for the first time in my life I was the one who decided to step back. It paid off and I am thankful for the things I learned while I did. I learned how to be a good leader and how to keep work and home separate. Those things have been so valuable and now I get to work on other things that excite me. While making the money I know I am worth.

So knowing when to pull away even when we are scared to do it was such a valuable thing to me. I learned how to make changes even when I was so scared to make them. I am excited to be home, to no longer be afraid to use my voice and push ideas even if they are turned down. What I have learned is at work it is work and it is either good for the business or it is not, it is nothing personal it indeed is business. Yet when you bring a good idea and it is followed through that causes such a great deal of pride. Something most people work years for and never feel that they get. That will be my job, learning how to make the little guy know that his position no matter how small is just as important as all the other positions out there. This one goal makes me so excited to go to work, and it keeps me motivated to learn and improve as much as possible.

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and New Year and I look forward to writing more and more as I am working on how to balance work and home and having more time to do so!