grief – The Journey of a Lioness

Transforming Perspectives on Loss: Your New Podcast

Pushing to a new me is this years goal. I have learned so much in the past year. I have talked for the past year about starting a podcast. It is time. I will used some personal funds and begin. I have this amazing friend that I think would be the perfect fit for joining in. That leaves what would we call it? What would we talk about!

This is where it gets tough. I mean so many topics are already covered and Mel isn’t Mel for no reason. The woman is a beast and knows how to reach her audience, draw them in and talk about subjects that matter to them! So what do I think is missing? There are a few that comes to mind. The one thing I know a lot about. Death. She has covered many topics but not that one. In fact I have written into the show multiple times asking that the subject of death be brought up. But who wants to talk about such a depressing subject? I do and not in a depressing way! In a healthy way that is bold because no one else is.

The second thing that comes to mind, is our energy and our vibrations as humans. I am just starting to learn about these things and by learning this, I am finding faster ways to emotionally heal. To catch myself when something gives me anxiety and then to have the valuable knowledge how to get myself out of that reaction.

Vibrations and Energy

I had no idea about human vibration and energy, it is a completely new concept to me. One that Serena has introduced me to. What I am learning is that we breathe in and out every single day and don’t realize the kind of power our breath has. By learning how to just sit and breathe and focus only on that for even just sixty seconds can get you out of that flight or fight response that stress and anxiety put us in.

In the few months that I have added breath work into my routine even just three times a week, I have felt so much better. The amount of stress has gone way down, and the ability to fall asleep quickly has increased. Here is what else it has done. It has given me this self confidence that I am going to be okay. Now if I close my eyes and focus inward on my body there is no longer this empty feeling. There is this small vibration that I never knew existed. I have risen the state of my vibration. How do I know this? I’m going to tell you.

I have this new outfit that I have worn quite a few times. It is a beautiful plumb suit style jacket over a simple white t-shirt and a pair of jeans. I throw on a necklace and earrings to tie it all in together. I have worn it to work many times. A few times I have been told, oh you look nice by the girls here in the office. But what I have never had was complete strangers tell me, wow you look very pretty today. Not women, but men. Like a FedEx guy! He delivers here once every two weeks. And yet that day I had done some breath work in the morning and focused on some positive affirmations before coming to work. I was feeling good about myself. I think because I raised my vibrations and felt good about myself complete strangers saw it. Other guys that I work with also made comments about how nice I looked that day. Each time something was said, my inner vibration raised even more. I was no longer feeling invisible but seen and seen as beautiful. Once again all caught up in that magnification that I have been working on.

While I am not sure about all the science behind this theory, and practice I do know that it is indeed working. I want to know more. Don’t you?

Why Throw Grief in?

Yes there are many Podcasts about Grief, but I don’t want to focus on the Grief yes we will talk about it but there is more to it than that. And here is why I want to talk about Death. The other night I was talking to my friend Serena and she had a question about something that happened to her and she wanted to know what I thought. Let’s take a look at what could possibly be our first Podcast. I want to stick a quick side note in here. Why do I think I can do a podcast? Not long ago as most of my readers know, I went to a grief group. There a licensed therapists talked about the many different aspects of Grief and I couldn’t help leaving each time so excited. Why? Because it was as if she read my book and used each chapter as the starting point for each session. While she gave all the technical and medical information, I gave the same information in my book. I just presented it in “Lay man’s terms.” I am on the right track and my book has proven to be spot on. That is why. It is relevant.

The First Podcast Topic

Serena’s question was one that I have had so many questions about. It wasn’t really a question it was more of a “This happened what should I have done?” I won’t go into to many details as it is Serena’s life and story but I will share enough so you can see where I’m going with this. Here is what happened….

A few years ago Serena lost her mother. Just two weeks after her passing Serena’s sisters went to the family home and went through her mothers’ things. Including her jewelry. They divided up the items between the two of them and didn’t offer anything to Serena. I have heard this story so many times. Siblings, daughters, sons, many with the same story. I didn’t get anything of my moms / dads. Serena wanted to know, “Should I have made a scene? Should I hold and harbor all this anger and resentment because they left me out?” I think my answer surprised her and it may surprise you as well.

The truth of the matter it isn’t about her or her sisters. It’s really about her father. He is the one with the biggest loss. Her mother’s items are his. They didn’t just leave her out they stole from her father. Those items by law are his. Not only did they steal from him they stole from themselves something that could quite possibly be more valuable. Let me tell you the story that I told her so that you understand the response better.

Deep Conversation and Answers

My grandfather passed when I was very young. I remember very few things about him. He had an amazing smile, a low deep voice, loved to laugh and drank Coors Banquet Beer. When I was in my twenties my grandmother asked me to come and visit her. When I got there she had some items out on the dinning room table. Photo albums and things. We sat and went through pictures and laughed at the memories. She and I talked about my grandfather and she told about him working for the railroad. Something I didn’t remember. We bonded over that as my husband worked for them as well. Then she brought out something very special. My grandfather’s Conductors Pocket Watch. She told me as he was passing away he talked about making sure that I received the watch. It is such a precious gift to me. What made it even more special, was getting to sit down with my grandmother and getting to have that moment with her.

I ask her, “do you see where I’m going with this? Not only did your sisters steal from your father, they stole what could have been one of the most precious memories they could have had with your dad. Just think what your dad knows about that jewelry. He knows which was her favorite, where some of the pieces came from. How they could have been special gifts from him to her. But here is something I really want you to understand. Does not having something of hers, erase the memories you have of her? I’m going to bet it doesn’t. That’s because she is in your heart and a piece of your soul, you will not forget her. She is in you not in those items.

New Perspectives

Serena suddenly now has a new perspective on the hurt she is feeling about being left out, and that perspective isn’t the pain that she carries but the pain that maybe they caused her father. I know death causes so much pain to all that are close to the one that is now gone. Each one trying to work through that pain as best as they can. We don’t do it well. Even me. But the only way we can get better at this is by talking about it. Getting perspective from others is the way to learn, and gain wisdom. We just have to be brave enough to sit down open up and be vulnerable with others. That is how we build our emotional intelligence.

Just like Serena has a new perspective on her emotional hurt, I have a new perspective on how to mend and heal that hurt. I am learning not just about the flight or fight response but how to get out of that. I am working on my emotional maturity. Why? Because when life kicks me down, and it will again, I want these tools to help me stand back up faster. I will always stand back up it is who I am, but I will do it much faster with increased knowledge.

So what do you think? Podcast?

Serena and I have spoken about so many topics not all on death but also on our energy and how to heal our inner most self. I feel like we would be the yin and yang of life. This hurt okay lets ask why then lets find out how do we fix it? My favorite saying of hers “you’re not broken, you just have had life hit and you’re trying to work through it.”

Is there something that you want to know more about that you have never heard covered by in a podcast? Or was there a topic that you were interested in that you have tried to listed to a podcast on that just didn’t hold your attention? What is your favorite thing about your favorite podcasts? What makes you going back to listen to each session

-Dee

The Acceptance of the Past, and Looking Forward to the Future.

Four times. I have been to a grief group four times. It wasn’t even really a grief group, but it was amazing. It also allowed me to finally nail down some feelings and pushed me to do what I have been tumbling around in my head for a while. Starting my own grief group. So I have thrown it out there and I have set up a time and a place to start. I will let God take control and I will just go where I feel I am needed. It is time to face this with bravery and action and do what I feel I have been called to! Let’s talk about Grief.

If you just cringed or maybe was suddenly tempted to just scroll on, I do not blame you. Who wants to talk about Grief? It is depressing, it is emotional, it is HARD. Yes, it is all of those things, what you don’t know is IT IS HEALTHY. It is vital that we learn how to deal with grief because statistics, and those statistics are scary. “The increased likelihood for a recently widowed person to die—often called the “widowhood effect”—is one of the best documented examples of the effect of social relations on health.¹ The widowhood effect has been found among men and women of all ages throughout the world.^2–5 Recent longitudinal studies put the excess mortality of widowhood (compared with marriage) among the elderly between 30% and 90% in the first 3 months and around 15% in the months thereafter.^1,6–8 These estimates are comparable across various statistical methodologies, including multivariate models that statistically control for a wide range of confounding factors,^1,6,8,9 prompting increasing confidence in a causal basis of the widowhood effect.^6,8,10,11” says Felix Elwert, PhD and Nicholas A Christakis, MD, PhD, MPH in their article published on the National Library of Medicine. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2636447/#:~:text=The%20widowhood%20effect%20has%20been,all%20ages%20throughout%20the%20world.&text=Recent%20longitudinal%20studies%20put%20the,15%25%20in%20the%20months%20thereafter.

Are you as surprised as I was? Let me tell you walking the road of widowhood is not one that anyone wants to do. But I feel those numbers represent the effect of loss on us humans especially when we lose the person whom we are so close with. Thus I believe that it is simply time to teach how to deal with loss. This is no easy feat, as I have no education in counseling, nor phycology. But what I do have is the ability to do research, make calls to established counselors that I know, and the willingness to dive in and do the work to help people. This is my way to give back. It may be a total failure, but it also could be the start of something fantastic and much needed. I no longer fear the grief, but will embrace the path of healing. And sometimes it is as simple as asking, “how are you doing?” and truly mean it. I can do this because I have this feeling in my bones that it is what I am meant to do.

-Dee

On Days When the Sun Shines……..

This month is the most difficult month of the year for me. It is supposed to be the best month. You know the kids get out of school and summer is on the way. We are supposed to be looking forward to the long warm days and spending time outside. Yet a cloud hangs over us this month as the one year anniversary quickly rushes towards us. It is unlike anything that I know. All year I have wanted the days to just get over with. Yet now I am screaming to slam on the breaks. I’m not ready for this. Yet suddenly God shows up and once again and hope is on the horizon.

We must move forward in life. If we don’t then we miss out on things that God has planned for us. It wasn’t long after Ed passed when a friend I had met on line to help with my marathon training also lost her husband. He was much younger than Ed was and she is much younger than I am. I sat in stunned silence as I read about her loss. It killed me, but I knew what she was going through. I reached out to her and suddenly our bond over running became more. We were suddenly both part of a club that neither one of us wanted to be a part of. We have visited many times, both of us trying so hard to figure out what life is supposed to be now that it is no longer what we planned for it to be. It is nice to talk to someone who knows. I mean someone who woke up one day thinking life was perfect only to have our worlds come crashing to a halt.

Last night we talked about how we both miss being a wife. Yet what I am learning more and more is that while I miss being a wife, I am getting pretty dang good at being alone. We talked about staying busy to avoid the grief, but I told her that it doesn’t matter how busy you are the grief will catch up. Usually when you don’t want it to. So we might as well face it. People call us brave, and most of the time we don’t feel it. We are just trying to get down this path that was laid before us. We try to run down it, but it doesn’t help, it doesn’t lessen the pain it just makes us tired. The only thing that has helped with the pain is facing it. Letting it knock you down and you stand up and fight back and face it again. It is the only way.

Yet here it is almost summer and getting outside helps. It reminds us that life still moves forward and so should we. No matter how we want the clock to move, fast or slow, we must move with it. We have had some pretty cloudy mornings here, but the sun has shown by afternoon and warmed us up. That is like life, we will have times when it seems like the sun has disappeared and it will never shine again. Yet here we are, the sun is beginning to shine, because we have chosen to move forward.

I am reminded daily that I am not alone. I am loved by friends and family and on my worst nights there is always someone to talk to. So while the anniversary is barreling down the path, I am going to face it. It will come and it will go and I will make it out on the other side. Beaten, bruised, and maybe battered beyond recognition, but I will make it out on the other side. Twenty days to go.

Dee