healing – The Journey of a Lioness

Transforming Perspectives on Loss: Your New Podcast

Pushing to a new me is this years goal. I have learned so much in the past year. I have talked for the past year about starting a podcast. It is time. I will used some personal funds and begin. I have this amazing friend that I think would be the perfect fit for joining in. That leaves what would we call it? What would we talk about!

This is where it gets tough. I mean so many topics are already covered and Mel isn’t Mel for no reason. The woman is a beast and knows how to reach her audience, draw them in and talk about subjects that matter to them! So what do I think is missing? There are a few that comes to mind. The one thing I know a lot about. Death. She has covered many topics but not that one. In fact I have written into the show multiple times asking that the subject of death be brought up. But who wants to talk about such a depressing subject? I do and not in a depressing way! In a healthy way that is bold because no one else is.

The second thing that comes to mind, is our energy and our vibrations as humans. I am just starting to learn about these things and by learning this, I am finding faster ways to emotionally heal. To catch myself when something gives me anxiety and then to have the valuable knowledge how to get myself out of that reaction.

Vibrations and Energy

I had no idea about human vibration and energy, it is a completely new concept to me. One that Serena has introduced me to. What I am learning is that we breathe in and out every single day and don’t realize the kind of power our breath has. By learning how to just sit and breathe and focus only on that for even just sixty seconds can get you out of that flight or fight response that stress and anxiety put us in.

In the few months that I have added breath work into my routine even just three times a week, I have felt so much better. The amount of stress has gone way down, and the ability to fall asleep quickly has increased. Here is what else it has done. It has given me this self confidence that I am going to be okay. Now if I close my eyes and focus inward on my body there is no longer this empty feeling. There is this small vibration that I never knew existed. I have risen the state of my vibration. How do I know this? I’m going to tell you.

I have this new outfit that I have worn quite a few times. It is a beautiful plumb suit style jacket over a simple white t-shirt and a pair of jeans. I throw on a necklace and earrings to tie it all in together. I have worn it to work many times. A few times I have been told, oh you look nice by the girls here in the office. But what I have never had was complete strangers tell me, wow you look very pretty today. Not women, but men. Like a FedEx guy! He delivers here once every two weeks. And yet that day I had done some breath work in the morning and focused on some positive affirmations before coming to work. I was feeling good about myself. I think because I raised my vibrations and felt good about myself complete strangers saw it. Other guys that I work with also made comments about how nice I looked that day. Each time something was said, my inner vibration raised even more. I was no longer feeling invisible but seen and seen as beautiful. Once again all caught up in that magnification that I have been working on.

While I am not sure about all the science behind this theory, and practice I do know that it is indeed working. I want to know more. Don’t you?

Why Throw Grief in?

Yes there are many Podcasts about Grief, but I don’t want to focus on the Grief yes we will talk about it but there is more to it than that. And here is why I want to talk about Death. The other night I was talking to my friend Serena and she had a question about something that happened to her and she wanted to know what I thought. Let’s take a look at what could possibly be our first Podcast. I want to stick a quick side note in here. Why do I think I can do a podcast? Not long ago as most of my readers know, I went to a grief group. There a licensed therapists talked about the many different aspects of Grief and I couldn’t help leaving each time so excited. Why? Because it was as if she read my book and used each chapter as the starting point for each session. While she gave all the technical and medical information, I gave the same information in my book. I just presented it in “Lay man’s terms.” I am on the right track and my book has proven to be spot on. That is why. It is relevant.

The First Podcast Topic

Serena’s question was one that I have had so many questions about. It wasn’t really a question it was more of a “This happened what should I have done?” I won’t go into to many details as it is Serena’s life and story but I will share enough so you can see where I’m going with this. Here is what happened….

A few years ago Serena lost her mother. Just two weeks after her passing Serena’s sisters went to the family home and went through her mothers’ things. Including her jewelry. They divided up the items between the two of them and didn’t offer anything to Serena. I have heard this story so many times. Siblings, daughters, sons, many with the same story. I didn’t get anything of my moms / dads. Serena wanted to know, “Should I have made a scene? Should I hold and harbor all this anger and resentment because they left me out?” I think my answer surprised her and it may surprise you as well.

The truth of the matter it isn’t about her or her sisters. It’s really about her father. He is the one with the biggest loss. Her mother’s items are his. They didn’t just leave her out they stole from her father. Those items by law are his. Not only did they steal from him they stole from themselves something that could quite possibly be more valuable. Let me tell you the story that I told her so that you understand the response better.

Deep Conversation and Answers

My grandfather passed when I was very young. I remember very few things about him. He had an amazing smile, a low deep voice, loved to laugh and drank Coors Banquet Beer. When I was in my twenties my grandmother asked me to come and visit her. When I got there she had some items out on the dinning room table. Photo albums and things. We sat and went through pictures and laughed at the memories. She and I talked about my grandfather and she told about him working for the railroad. Something I didn’t remember. We bonded over that as my husband worked for them as well. Then she brought out something very special. My grandfather’s Conductors Pocket Watch. She told me as he was passing away he talked about making sure that I received the watch. It is such a precious gift to me. What made it even more special, was getting to sit down with my grandmother and getting to have that moment with her.

I ask her, “do you see where I’m going with this? Not only did your sisters steal from your father, they stole what could have been one of the most precious memories they could have had with your dad. Just think what your dad knows about that jewelry. He knows which was her favorite, where some of the pieces came from. How they could have been special gifts from him to her. But here is something I really want you to understand. Does not having something of hers, erase the memories you have of her? I’m going to bet it doesn’t. That’s because she is in your heart and a piece of your soul, you will not forget her. She is in you not in those items.

New Perspectives

Serena suddenly now has a new perspective on the hurt she is feeling about being left out, and that perspective isn’t the pain that she carries but the pain that maybe they caused her father. I know death causes so much pain to all that are close to the one that is now gone. Each one trying to work through that pain as best as they can. We don’t do it well. Even me. But the only way we can get better at this is by talking about it. Getting perspective from others is the way to learn, and gain wisdom. We just have to be brave enough to sit down open up and be vulnerable with others. That is how we build our emotional intelligence.

Just like Serena has a new perspective on her emotional hurt, I have a new perspective on how to mend and heal that hurt. I am learning not just about the flight or fight response but how to get out of that. I am working on my emotional maturity. Why? Because when life kicks me down, and it will again, I want these tools to help me stand back up faster. I will always stand back up it is who I am, but I will do it much faster with increased knowledge.

So what do you think? Podcast?

Serena and I have spoken about so many topics not all on death but also on our energy and how to heal our inner most self. I feel like we would be the yin and yang of life. This hurt okay lets ask why then lets find out how do we fix it? My favorite saying of hers “you’re not broken, you just have had life hit and you’re trying to work through it.”

Is there something that you want to know more about that you have never heard covered by in a podcast? Or was there a topic that you were interested in that you have tried to listed to a podcast on that just didn’t hold your attention? What is your favorite thing about your favorite podcasts? What makes you going back to listen to each session

-Dee

A New Mindset……

The past few weeks something in me has changed. I have found happiness again. It is hard to maintain. Mostly because of my attachment style. The Anxious Abandonment is what I am. Kind of a hyper-breed of two different ones. Someone who has Anxious Abandonment attachment style is a person who constantly feels the need to please everyone. They let others give them value, and will do anything to stop someone they love from leaving. I had to find a way to defeat that attachment style. There is no curing it, but there is the capability of controlling my reactions to people and being mindful of when I get triggered. Taking your thoughts captive is key. Stopping the negative narrative from having its free reign.

The Actions to Heal

Yet this year of being single has had a huge payoff here lately. Yes I get lonely, but I have learned that there are way to beat the lonely back. It can be as simple as when those times hit to be active and do what I love. Write, paint, go out and do some photography. Let the creative person out and she will show you how to work through the lonely. Because the next day is always a new day. And a good day to just start over. It can also be as simple as calling a friend or doing something with the kids.

What isn’t going to help is curling up in bed and watching sad movies or listening to sad music. Locking myself into the negative thought of no one cares and I will be alone forever. Those are not the thoughts of someone trying to heal, they are the thoughts of someone who has given up. I have not given up.

It’s okay to be lonely, because being alone is what I like to be right now. Not that, that can change in the next few years. But what I like about it right now is I don’t have to answer to anyone about really anything. I don’t have to check in when I go somewhere. I don’t have to report back if I’m gone longer than expected. Not that I ever had to do that with Ed. But other relationships with men who have trust issues, that is something I just can’t do. I refuse to pay the price of their non-healed trauma. Why should I expect a man to pay for the trauma that Mat put me through? I don’t. But if I am not healed from that trauma then I am not ready for a relationship. Suddenly it is very much okay to be lonely, because it is a healthy lonely, because it is a healing that I need.

Learning from others has been key

Just from talking to my new friends I have learned that I have to learn how to control that knee jerk reaction of negative thoughts. I have to remind myself that if someone doesn’t answer a text right away doesn’t mean I did anything wrong. It just means that I am not a priority at that moment. What I am learning is that not everyone responds like I do. And it is not up to them to meet my expectations. It is up to me to control my response when that happens. It is up to me to not hyper focus on negative thoughts and stand back and see who this person is. A real friend is going to answer and if they don’t. If they take weeks or days to answer then maybe they are not the kind of friend that I am needing and that person is just a sometimes friend. An acquaintance so to speak. Learning the difference is key. It is also up to me to decide what kind of energy do I want to have around me.

Finding people who are on your lever in your flow is key to navigating life. Holding on to people who have different energy who try to change you or your course to what they think you need to be is a huge red flag. I have learned that as well. I want friends in my life who are not constantly trying to fix me. But who are supportive and encouraging and who want to laugh and love. It is up to me to find those people and also learn how to let people go. The universe I have learned will always bring people in if we are opened enough to allow the flow of humanity to envelop us.

I have learned so much from my current friends. They are cheerleaders, and lovers of laughter, and they are absolutely beautiful. And when I spend time with them, I too feel absolutely beautiful. That is what we should feel when we are around friends. Loved, supported, and encouraged. That is friendship. That is my new mindset. The one they are teaching. Show up for those who show up you, and stop chasing, begging, or hoping someone will show up for you.

I have found myself saying more than once the past few months, “never has someone done that for me.” It is the showing up that makes the difference. I need to do that. I need to show up for my kids, for myself, and yes for my friends! When we stop focusing on ourselves and we truly open our hearts to others and we learn how to show up in a way that they need, that is when we make long lasting connections. Being alone is very much okay. Because it is teaching me to show up for myself and when you can show up for you, then when someone doesn’t or can’t you are more apt to have compassion and empathy for them. It doesn’t mean that you let them in and continuously let them use you. But it allows you to match their energy and when you are not pouring more into someone than what they are pouring into you then you get to keep the extra for yourself.

Balance

It is finding that balance that is key to me. So lately my thought process is going to be, “am I matching energy here? Is that energy a good feeling? Is it something that gives you pause?” It is the answer to those questions that you find that balance. I can give you what you give and expect nothing more from you because that is where you are at. Once we do that, once we are able to balance giving and taking, then we find peace. In that peace is genuine happiness. That is where I am at. Keeping as much energy for myself and learning to match energy with others. This will protect my heart and my mind. I then can bring in the kind of life I want. One filled with friends and love and laughter. The healing has began, and happiness is around more than it has in years.

Three Words That Gave Me Freedom

This year has been full of changes for me. Mostly changes for myself. Finding out who I truly am. Finally learning how to accept myself as I am, and in that focusing on who I want to be. Not what I think sounds good to other people but what sounds good to me. I have sat back for years and let others put their expectations on me and I do everything in my power to be that person. To be what they need, because growing up no one was there for me. So many people came into my life used me for what they needed then simply walked away. And to a person with abandonment issues and a desperate need to find deep connection to others I let them. I wanted to be important to someone! Anyone! Unfortunately what that did was make everyone more important than myself. That began a life of people pleasing because I was afraid they wouldn’t like who I was and quickly leave. What I didn’t realize was that not everyone was meant to stay in our lives. Let the leaves blow away from the tree for then it is is easier to find the roots.

Since Mat and I have parted and I made the commitment to stay alone for a year I have had to take a deep look at those roots. For me this was not an easy thing its not fun to tear yourself apart and look at the parts you’d rather just ignore and hope they go away. Yet I needed to get down to that inner child and find out why was she letting everyone one in. When the adult knew it wasn’t safe, the child cried out, but what if this person is finally the one! Oh how crushing it was to take the hand of that child and tell her, if they are the one then why are they not seeing how they have hurt you? Why is it that they still only focus on what you can provide them instead of coming to you and saying “here you need this.” How crushing was it to have to wrap my arms around myself and once again say it’s not that you are not enough for them, it is simply the fact that this person cannot give you what you need, and your needs are just as important as theirs. It is time to stop sacrificing everything for someone who will always take and never give. And when you can no longer give, they will blame you for not providing and walk away. It is time that this inner child lets go and starts to trust the inner adult and to build that trust, the adult has to stand up and say I will do this no longer.

It is time for the adult to start keeping promises to themselves and showing up for that inner child. Not only is that conversation hard but so is keeping that promise to that inner self. This year I’ve had men try to come back into my life who I know only wanted one thing. Who I’ve had to tell that I can’t be that person for you. I can’t be the release to your panic that your life isn’t or hasn’t gone the way you thought it would. I’ve had to leave them standing in the dark hearts racing and pleading for another chance. I’ve had to block numbers and delete names from friends lists, to just close doors that I had always left opened, wishing or hoping that one day someone would realize that I’m the one that got away. The truth is I may be the one that got away, but to actually get away, I have to leave.

I’m telling you to understand that now is so powerful. I didn’t want to leave because I had so many who left me and it was crushing and crushing someone is not something I want to do. Yet, just because you don’t want to do something doesn’t mean that it isn’t the right thing to do. Leaves are meant to fly away and are even meant to get crumpled and torn apart and destroyed so that very little to nothing can be found. In order for me to grow as a person as a soul I had to stop clinging to other souls that were not meant to stay. I only hold myself down and them as captives. It was as if my tree for the first time in years shed all of it leaves.

I’ve seen this happen in real life. There is this big beautiful tree at the front entrance of my son’s school. One day as I dropped him off I noticed that it still held all of its leaves and I smiled as I wondered wow how long is it going to hold onto those! That day was a cool breezy day the sun was shinning but you could feel just a bit of winter in that breeze. By the end of the school day, that tree had lost every single one of it’s leaves. In just a few short hours they were all gone, gathered on the ground beneath it and flying through the air as the wind scattered them. That is what I had to do this year. I had to stop everything I was doing the hope, the looking, the constant worry about being alone, and I had to let it all go.

As you all know I started by moving Mat out. If you asked him he equates it to throwing him out like trash. This was crushing to me that he felt that way. What I had to learn was if he felt that way well then let him. What I had to tell the inner child was, he was hurting us emotionally, and I could no longer allow that to happen. And while the inner child worked so hard at holding on to Mat and the hope that he would change. The reality is, almost a year later and he has not changed at all. He is still using, he is still trying to control me and uses my emotions to do that, even if it means he is doing something to make me mad then at least I am reacting to him. Deep in my heart I just want to walk away and not look back. You see the adult there protecting the child, and I have to be strong and tell the child it is what is best.

I have gotten the space the adult needed, so that the child could gain the perspective that it needed to see that not letting people go was indeed hurting us the most. When I did it, when I let go; and really said “done” it was as if a ton of leaves fell off the tree. And the crazy thing is those branches that were so weighed down could finally reach to their full height.

Here it is months latter, and every once in a while I get the thought of signing up for the dating apps again but something deep tells me it’s just not time. So I set my phone aside and keep working. On me. I’ve doing things for me. Spending time with people I want to spend time with and making friends with new people. Even people on line! They are where I have found peace. I can be myself. Then someone I have talked to for a while told me something that moved me so emotionally that it has taken me weeks to just settle it out. We were talking about the past and I just made the comment “I miss him very much.” Talking about Ed. The response to this so profound for me. “As you should.”

Those three words have changed me so deeply. It’s not like I have never said out loud that I miss him. I’ve said it often in fact. Yet most of the time the response I get is “I know.” That answer the, “I know.” just hits me so raw and makes me angry. They don’t know. How could they really know? They can guess they can assume. But they can’t ever know. Even if they have lost their spouse I would never presume to know a relationship so well to say “I know”. But the answer “as you should” was this incredible way to just do two things. The first it acknowledged that the moment was heavy and heavy with sorrow. The second was this way to give me permission to just be in the moment for as long as I needed to. It was the most compassionate and kind thing anyone has said to me since Ed passed away. It was permission to let the tears fall and not be ashamed of them even though its been five years. It was permission to let the love that I still hold for Ed be there in that moment.

I do not know why God has chosen this person to cross my path. It could be just so I could learn how to say “as you should” to someone else one day. It could be because this person is on a healing journey much like my own and learning how to sit in the most uncomfortable moments is part of that journey. All I do know is I thank God for that moment and those three small words for they have changed me deeply.

It is winter, I have shed all my leaves and stand stark naked and raw against the changing of the cold bitter winds of winter. But I have to, I have to see where my roots are and make sure that those I am letting in are the ones that help change and grow those deep roots, and if they are not, I need to let them go. The adult that shows up and protects the inner child on their own because someone has to. If others can’t keep their promises then I need to learn to keep the promises I made to myself. So that I can heal that inner child and deepen the roots of the tree. So that when spring comes, the limbs are taller and the roots deeper and the wisdom to find that balance is with it.

-Dee

Transforming Vibration: My Journey to Connection

I am not what most people define as “normal”. I am not a TV watcher, or a social media connoisseur. I mean I have most of the popular apps. But my participation in those apps is more like a ghost standing in the background. Watching everyone else live while I just try to breathe. A friend shared a video about how our body vibrates. And the way we speak to ourselves makes a huge difference in those vibrations. I have seen and heard many videos on this topic. The more I watched the more I began to wonder. Is there truth behind all the talk? Then I realized that was all it was, talk. Hours of videos with claims on how to change your perception your place in life and even your finical situation all by simply “thinking” the right way. There are so many names for it, meditation, manifesting, gratitude focus. All seem too simple to do. Yet, there were not really answers on how to do them. Most say oh just buy this app or pay for this subscription or “master class” and you will have it all at your fingertips. My intuition screamed one thing, it is never that simple or easy and why is the person who is “teaching” the class not the one “teaching” the skill required to accomplish the “dream”. It just feels like someone selling snake oil.

My Hesitation

Snake Oil. The cunning good looking man or woman who claims just one sip will cure all your ailments. Honestly that is what those videos seem to be. Of course their life changed. They are making millions selling the solutions to everyone’s problems. Yet the logical Capricorn part of me screams “if that really was the true cure, why isn’t everyone cured already?” So please pardon me if I don’t jump on your van wagon. Don’t worry there are only hundreds more wagons coming along, but I’m not going to jump on those either….Or so I thought.

The thing about a Capricorn, is we are curious and we love to learn. And that curiosity is what could be the death or maybe the life of me. No I didn’t pay for the class, or joined the APP. But I did watch all the videos and inferred the gist of them. That gist? Move. Put action to your ideas, stop letting negative thoughts control me. Like constantly telling myself “I feel so alone.” What is the cure for being alone? Making friends.

Time to Experiment

I love sitting outside by my fire pit and reading a book or just watching the stars and listening to music. I would tell myself that “this is how I recharge for the next day.” Yet after listening to some of these “new mindset” videos, I began to question do I really feel recharged after that? I mean I had yet to feel the energy that the people in the videos were talking about. Sitting alone just increased the feeling of being lonely. Not talking to anyone all day at work then not talking all night increased that feeling of lonely. I realized it is the stair steps down to the pit of depression.

So what could I do? It was time to do some experiments. Remember I am an introvert, so just inviting people over is not in my comfort zone. So I began to look on some social media apps. I will not say which one I landed on but I ended up in a small group chat. Talking about the very thing I had been researching. Our inner vibrations our energies. We talked about what we believed and got a little into some personal details. Suddenly logging in at the end of my day has become what I look forward to! I set a time limit for myself and have done nothing but the past few days but end my day with laughter, people who encourage each other to reach goals and feeling that genuine emotion of not being lonely.

The next part of the experiment was to pay more attention to your environment. I work hard to keep my home clean and friendly feeling. This helps me wake up with joy. My home is my sanctuary and it feels safe and peaceful. So if someone just stops by, it doesn’t cause stress. It is a joy to share my home.

I also started paying attention to the outside environment. For instance, when I go into a store, does it suddenly seem like a lot of people come in after me? Now this is where a positive mindset comes in. The focusing in on being me and knowing I am a good kind person and believing that people are drawn to that. The result, I noticed it many times, I would be the only person that would be in the parking lot. I would go in and not long later I would run into six different people all who came in after me. Now I know I live in a small town and this could just be coincidence. So more experimentation is required but I did easily notice it.

The Results So Far

I am just starting this experiment, yet the last two days there is a difference in me. The first one I have noticed is a negative one. I tend to spend way more time on my phone right before I go to sleep. This has disrupted my sleep tremendously. I can fall asleep easily but staying asleep lately has been a huge challenge and I end up wide awake for at least two hours in the middle of the night death scrolling on my phone.

The solution? I am going to have to join the conversation way earlier, instead of right before I go to sleep. That way I can have that hour before sleep without the blue light. I am hoping that fixes the issue.

The next change has been in me. I can tell I vibrate differently. That feeling that those videos talked about. I believe I found it. I am making friends outside of work and outside of a “serious relationship”. I am learning to just listen, to laugh with others and in some way not take life so seriously. This has changed my vibration. I feel excited for my day and I look forward to the evenings. These people let me be who I am and that creates this excitement of what is going to be said tonight! It actually did not really come to me until the past two days that I feel different.

I finally understand what these experts were talking about “vibrating differently.” Because I feel this crazy excitement about my day. I stepped out and I got out of my comfort zone and I connected with perfect strangers. Suddenly I feel like I can do anything and taking that leap has paid off. Yes it has cost some sleep but I know the solution to that and have a plan in place. Now alone or in a group, I feel alive. So I am stepping out and starting the next journey. Time to write and time to start that podcast that I have been dreaming of. Time to leap!

-Dee

PS: Just one question. Have you ever tried something like this? Did it redefine you or did it just help bring out who you really are? I can’t wait to hear!