life – Page 2 – The Journey of a Lioness

Three Words That Gave Me Freedom

This year has been full of changes for me. Mostly changes for myself. Finding out who I truly am. Finally learning how to accept myself as I am, and in that focusing on who I want to be. Not what I think sounds good to other people but what sounds good to me. I have sat back for years and let others put their expectations on me and I do everything in my power to be that person. To be what they need, because growing up no one was there for me. So many people came into my life used me for what they needed then simply walked away. And to a person with abandonment issues and a desperate need to find deep connection to others I let them. I wanted to be important to someone! Anyone! Unfortunately what that did was make everyone more important than myself. That began a life of people pleasing because I was afraid they wouldn’t like who I was and quickly leave. What I didn’t realize was that not everyone was meant to stay in our lives. Let the leaves blow away from the tree for then it is is easier to find the roots.

Since Mat and I have parted and I made the commitment to stay alone for a year I have had to take a deep look at those roots. For me this was not an easy thing its not fun to tear yourself apart and look at the parts you’d rather just ignore and hope they go away. Yet I needed to get down to that inner child and find out why was she letting everyone one in. When the adult knew it wasn’t safe, the child cried out, but what if this person is finally the one! Oh how crushing it was to take the hand of that child and tell her, if they are the one then why are they not seeing how they have hurt you? Why is it that they still only focus on what you can provide them instead of coming to you and saying “here you need this.” How crushing was it to have to wrap my arms around myself and once again say it’s not that you are not enough for them, it is simply the fact that this person cannot give you what you need, and your needs are just as important as theirs. It is time to stop sacrificing everything for someone who will always take and never give. And when you can no longer give, they will blame you for not providing and walk away. It is time that this inner child lets go and starts to trust the inner adult and to build that trust, the adult has to stand up and say I will do this no longer.

It is time for the adult to start keeping promises to themselves and showing up for that inner child. Not only is that conversation hard but so is keeping that promise to that inner self. This year I’ve had men try to come back into my life who I know only wanted one thing. Who I’ve had to tell that I can’t be that person for you. I can’t be the release to your panic that your life isn’t or hasn’t gone the way you thought it would. I’ve had to leave them standing in the dark hearts racing and pleading for another chance. I’ve had to block numbers and delete names from friends lists, to just close doors that I had always left opened, wishing or hoping that one day someone would realize that I’m the one that got away. The truth is I may be the one that got away, but to actually get away, I have to leave.

I’m telling you to understand that now is so powerful. I didn’t want to leave because I had so many who left me and it was crushing and crushing someone is not something I want to do. Yet, just because you don’t want to do something doesn’t mean that it isn’t the right thing to do. Leaves are meant to fly away and are even meant to get crumpled and torn apart and destroyed so that very little to nothing can be found. In order for me to grow as a person as a soul I had to stop clinging to other souls that were not meant to stay. I only hold myself down and them as captives. It was as if my tree for the first time in years shed all of it leaves.

I’ve seen this happen in real life. There is this big beautiful tree at the front entrance of my son’s school. One day as I dropped him off I noticed that it still held all of its leaves and I smiled as I wondered wow how long is it going to hold onto those! That day was a cool breezy day the sun was shinning but you could feel just a bit of winter in that breeze. By the end of the school day, that tree had lost every single one of it’s leaves. In just a few short hours they were all gone, gathered on the ground beneath it and flying through the air as the wind scattered them. That is what I had to do this year. I had to stop everything I was doing the hope, the looking, the constant worry about being alone, and I had to let it all go.

As you all know I started by moving Mat out. If you asked him he equates it to throwing him out like trash. This was crushing to me that he felt that way. What I had to learn was if he felt that way well then let him. What I had to tell the inner child was, he was hurting us emotionally, and I could no longer allow that to happen. And while the inner child worked so hard at holding on to Mat and the hope that he would change. The reality is, almost a year later and he has not changed at all. He is still using, he is still trying to control me and uses my emotions to do that, even if it means he is doing something to make me mad then at least I am reacting to him. Deep in my heart I just want to walk away and not look back. You see the adult there protecting the child, and I have to be strong and tell the child it is what is best.

I have gotten the space the adult needed, so that the child could gain the perspective that it needed to see that not letting people go was indeed hurting us the most. When I did it, when I let go; and really said “done” it was as if a ton of leaves fell off the tree. And the crazy thing is those branches that were so weighed down could finally reach to their full height.

Here it is months latter, and every once in a while I get the thought of signing up for the dating apps again but something deep tells me it’s just not time. So I set my phone aside and keep working. On me. I’ve doing things for me. Spending time with people I want to spend time with and making friends with new people. Even people on line! They are where I have found peace. I can be myself. Then someone I have talked to for a while told me something that moved me so emotionally that it has taken me weeks to just settle it out. We were talking about the past and I just made the comment “I miss him very much.” Talking about Ed. The response to this so profound for me. “As you should.”

Those three words have changed me so deeply. It’s not like I have never said out loud that I miss him. I’ve said it often in fact. Yet most of the time the response I get is “I know.” That answer the, “I know.” just hits me so raw and makes me angry. They don’t know. How could they really know? They can guess they can assume. But they can’t ever know. Even if they have lost their spouse I would never presume to know a relationship so well to say “I know”. But the answer “as you should” was this incredible way to just do two things. The first it acknowledged that the moment was heavy and heavy with sorrow. The second was this way to give me permission to just be in the moment for as long as I needed to. It was the most compassionate and kind thing anyone has said to me since Ed passed away. It was permission to let the tears fall and not be ashamed of them even though its been five years. It was permission to let the love that I still hold for Ed be there in that moment.

I do not know why God has chosen this person to cross my path. It could be just so I could learn how to say “as you should” to someone else one day. It could be because this person is on a healing journey much like my own and learning how to sit in the most uncomfortable moments is part of that journey. All I do know is I thank God for that moment and those three small words for they have changed me deeply.

It is winter, I have shed all my leaves and stand stark naked and raw against the changing of the cold bitter winds of winter. But I have to, I have to see where my roots are and make sure that those I am letting in are the ones that help change and grow those deep roots, and if they are not, I need to let them go. The adult that shows up and protects the inner child on their own because someone has to. If others can’t keep their promises then I need to learn to keep the promises I made to myself. So that I can heal that inner child and deepen the roots of the tree. So that when spring comes, the limbs are taller and the roots deeper and the wisdom to find that balance is with it.

-Dee

Why I Chose to Be Single for a Year

One year. I have set a goal to be single for one year. It was so hard starting out. Of course it starts out with a heartache. I mean I had to break things off with my fiancé. It wasn’t easy and yes I miss him very much, but what I have learned is I may miss him, but I don’t miss the stress and worry of him coming home in an altered state. In fact the longer I am out of the relationship the better I feel. I never thought I would say that. I spent so much time saying “I just can’t do alone.” The truth is I can, and I am adjusting to it well.

My life isn’t any easier, but in the few relationships I’ve had since my husband passed I learned that I am not willing to settle. It is a powerful feeling standing up and saying my needs are important too. No more trying to earn someone’s love who is only going to take and not give back. I am no longer going to keep giving myself to someone who isn’t willing to give of themselves too. This one thought has changed me. Not just a little but a lot, in a way what that one thought did was give me the power to take control over my life. I have learned that you shouldn’t feel like you have to earn someone’s love. And to be quite honest I truly think that is what I did. I would listen and ask questions and learn about their one obsession, so that I had something to talk about with them. When in reality if I was in my own world I just wouldn’t care about it. It is like the girl who pretends to like fishing and she really doesn’t enjoy it at all.

Going out into nature and wondering around in the woods, is something I love. Fishing? Nope not for me. Yet the old me would have packed the truck made sure everything was ready to go to show him how much I cared about him as a person. I put effort into relationships with people who would never have put the same effort into making sure they did the same thing. I deserve someone better than that and if I have to be that person for myself then I can be. I have proven that these past few months. Proven that I understand what loving myself looks like. It looks like all that effort that I am so desperate for someone to give, I actually give it to myself.

One question comes to mind. Do I really? Do I really like to be outside? Do I really like to travel? Do I really like to be in a room full of people? In my last relationship I would get so frustrated at the lack of drive to do things I know I talked about not wanting a relationship that included sitting on a couch and watching TV. I wanted someone who wanted to be active who wanted more than going to work and coming home. I should have known he wasn’t ready for that. The constant asking where is or what is your favorite things? And getting no answers. That one thing worried me a lot.

I now know that is something I want in a relationship someone who knows who they are. How else would they know that they like me? What if they wake up one day and suddenly I am not the person they want to be with? If they don’t know who they are, how am I supposed to? They just wanted to be with someone. I don’t want to be the “I guess this will work” kind of partner. I want someone to know what they want and when I ask them why me, they can name specific reasons. They can say things like you push me to be more than what I am. Or, “I want to be the one who gives you the world because you deserve it.” Instead of saying “well if I could give you the world I would but that is just asking too much.” I don’t want to be the one asking for more. I want to be the one who says I can give that much too.

I completely understand to most people this is a pipe dream. Well I can tell you this, it may be unrealistic, but it is something I refuse to give in on. Loneliness passes, there are always people to go out and do things with. But I will no longer sacrifice being happy just so I have someone to talk to in the evenings. Nothing hurts me more than me pouring my soul out about something that happened that day and have someone pretend to listen. If I have to sit and listen or watch YouTube videos about something I am not interested in then isn’t it only fair that I get the same in return? I know what I bring to the table. I am so good at making people feel valuable. At making them feel seen and heard and alive. I am only asking for the same in return. I won’t give up looking for that. I want to be with someone who I talk about something with them and two weeks later they bring it up. Because they listened. They wanted to know what was going on in my life because they care. In short I don’t want to be with someone who is with me for what they get out of it. I am no longer going to take care of someone more than what they are willing to take care of me. I just want to feel like I am important to someone too.

I also know that the only way I am going to truly find this, is by waiting for it, and understanding it may never come along. Yet I truly believe it will. All I have to do is set the standard. Demand that I am treated the right way. In short, I have to stop trying to force a relationship. Let it come to me, because the truth of the matter is, I try to tell myself that I am in love. When you have only been on a few dates, or spent a few nights talking on the phone that isn’t falling for someone. That is thinking, well this is better than nothing. It is me that settles. I am no longer going to settle. You want me in your life? It is time to sit back and let someone else chase me. Pick me up for dinner. Come over late and sacrifice sleep because being with me is the only thing on your mind. Just to be next to me because being near does something to you that you can’t explain but the more you get to the more you want to. That is what I want. Not me chasing someone but someone chasing me. I am worth being chased. I am worth the right person’s time. And that person is worth waiting for.

Soon I will have made it a full year alone. It wasn’t easy, it was in fact quite lonely. Yet it was also liberating. It gave me time to become brave. Brave enough to say enough. To say I am worth more and I deserve the kind of relationship that I dream about. I know who I am. When I finally broke up with my ex most people would tell me “learn to love yourself.” This one sentence angered me so much. I would reply “Okay! Just tell me how!” I now know how to do that. It is taking the time to mourn the loss of the relationship. To give space to yourself to miss that other person, but to also let go of that person. And to open yourself up to asking what is it that didn’t work in that relationship?

Was it something they did or didn’t do. Or how about just realizing that you both were in very different places. That you couldn’t wait for them to realize they had growing to do too. Only to sit and watch the very kind of relationship that you said you didn’t want come into being. Or to learn life is way to short to wait around for the “right time.” The one that got me was I couldn’t continue to love the man I hoped one day he would be. While his words said he wanted to be that man. His actions said, I just don’t want to do the work to be that man. Then his words went on to say, “you should just accept me for who I am.” Yet, he didn’t want to do the same thing for me. I am the one who “needed to work out.” Who needed to be “a better woman.” I’m not saying I’m perfect but damn. It was my house, my car, I paid my bills, and took care of him. Yet it wasn’t enough for him. He gave nothing and I gave it all. Nope time for me to say what you think you give, you don’t. And what I need isn’t what you are willing to give so I chose more. I chose to be loved more than that.

I choose more, because I love me more than that. That is what learning how to love yourself is. It is learning to say I love me enough to walk away from what I think I want because knowing what I deserve is so much more.

Cherishing Halloween Traditions: A Family’s Journey

The Tradition

Halloween has always been one of my families favorite holidays. Why? Well for my kids who have always had amazing costumes. It is a time to get to dress up and pretend to be someone else. A hero, an actor, who ever! It’s also about the candy. I mean they are kids. For me it is the start of what I call the magic of the holidays. It always felt so magical this time of year, and each week and celebration all seems to add up to the magic of Christmas. This year I spent all week thinking it just will not be the same. It wasn’t but it was. You see my son had told me a few weeks ago that a few friends would be coming over and they would be going out to trick or treat together.

All week long I kept telling myself that I should do extra chores to make sure the house was perfect for when his friends were here. Not that my home is really messy. I mean when you can have a perfectly cleaned home in half an hour it can’t really be all that messy right? Anyways, as Halloween got closer the more I just didn’t want to do anything. Why? Because in my heart of hearts I just knew that this year would be sad for me. Because we live almost out of town we get very few kids. Honestly if I got one it would be a record. The last few years my son has done this tradition with his friends. They all meet up and go out together while I’m stuck at home eating most of the candy that I bought. This year I figured it would be no different. Well school ended and so did football practice and I get the call. “Hey mom the crew is ready to be picked up.”

I tell him okay I’ll be there in just a few. I have an amazing job that allows me to leave work and pick him up every day. Usually they practice until five, today they got out a little early. So I went to pick up the “crew.” When I pulled into the school parking lot, there they were. These four very different boys. They are all unique in their own way and I love them all. We laugh and giggle and make jokes as we stuff all four of them into my very small car. It’s a small town and we don’t live far from the school. I get them home and drop them off with the promise that I will be back after work with soda, popcorn, and fixings for our traditional Chicken Noodle dinner. They happily waved and walked into our home. My heart strings tugged, and yet I pulled away with one thought. God allowed my husband to pass for what ever reason, I am not sure. But what I am sure of, is he put these boys into my life for a reason too and my heart is filled with joy and love. So as I head to work I did something I don’t normally do. I prayed, not to ask for anything, just simply to say thank you. I may have lost one love, yet there is still so much more out there.

After work I went to two stores to get all the things for dinner and hurried home. I called to let my son know I’m on my way and asked him to meet me outside to carry the groceries in. I pulled in and out came all four boys laughing and joking , grabbing all the groceries. It made my heart filled with love even more. They bring them in and while laughing and talking they put them away. Working together as a team. Then my son asks me hey did you get my text? I told him no. Well he had asked me to pick up his girlfriend on the way home. I told him sorry buddy I missed that one. I’ll go get her now. So I was off again. As I’m heading across our little town, I thought about all the years when my girls were little. The tradition of going over to grandma Rhea’s house for Halloween. Grandma Rhea lived in the “fancy” neighborhood in town and it really was where everyone went to trick or treat. I miss those years so much and I miss walking around with my little ones. It was such a sorrow of knowing that part of life was over for me, and I just knew it was a part that I dearly love.

I picked up the girlfriend and head back home. When we walk in the house is loud and filled with the noise of boys. (if you are the mom of a boy you know this noise especially if you have more than one.) The girlfriend who is a classmate joins in and assures me that these boys are exactly like this in school. I’m thinking to myself, they may need to double the pay of our teachers. So I cook and visit with everyone and just love this socializing that they do and that they bring me into so easily. I also do the dishes that I didn’t do the night before because I’ve had my own mental battles this week. Not once did someone make a comment about how clean or unclean the house is. Except the girlfriend who said “wow, your house is nice!” This made my heart swell because we have worked very hard on the house and we are proud of it.

All too soon it was time for them to go out. But one says, “hey I need to get some pictures, my mom will kill me if I don’t.” So we go outside for the traditional group picture. there is a slight twinge in my heart as I wonder will this be the last one. They are getting older. I keep waiting for them to say goodbye and head off. Then my son says, “Okay mom are we taking the truck?” as he scrambles to help find a hoodie for his girlfriend as the weather has really cooled off. I stare at him as if I didn’t understand what he was saying. “The truck?” I asked. “Yeah, you know you gotta drive us around!”

I can’t even begin to tell you the joy that leaped into my heart. “Oh yes!” I say as I head inside to put on shoes and grab the truck key. As I head to my car to grab my wallet, I snap a picture and send it to all my friends. “The smile this mom has when her son says, ‘you have to drive us around mom!” This very small part of me seemed to just vibrate right into place. I was not being left out, I was a part of the tradition. I also went and told my daughter who lives with us, that she too needed to come. Tonight no one would be left out. As we put down the tailgate and load everyone into the back of the truck my son says, “mom we have more to pick up in front of the pizza place.” I tell him okay and with me driving and my daughter riding shot-gun, and a truck bed filled with these amazing kids we headed off.

As we go down the street my son calls me and says that his girlfriends mom would like it if we stopped at their house so she could see them all. Of course we can! No one is left out tonight. We stop in front of the pizza shop and pick up one and then take off to his girlfriends home. We get there and we all jump out of the truck. There is laughter and greetings. As we are standing there visiting and letting her take pictures, another group joins in. A large group with whom I’ve never met. But they all know each other, and more laughter and visiting. Suddenly I hear “we are going with Mickey!” and our total is now increased by five more. We all load back into the truck and off we head slowly to the good neighborhood where it is an easy park and walk and you can get a ton of candy. Suddenly I realized that this was the very thing my heart had quietly hoped for all week. Just one more year out with my kids, enjoying the place that we call home. It was a fantastic evening. Yet it wasn’t over.

After it gets dark we wrap up the trick or treating. We drop quite a few off with parents, and then head home with all the kids I started out with. We make one more stop at our neighbors who is the grandparents of one of the girls that has joined us. On our way back to the house my son’s girlfriend calls her mom to let her know that we would be eating dinner then watching a movie. No not a scary one! Then my son does something even more amazing, he invites her mom over for dinner.” Please come and join us if you would like to.” Her mom, teases him a little and asks are you sure because that kind of sounds like you don’t really want me to. In which he says, “In Oklahoma that is the polite way to invite someone, because if you do not feel like coming you can say thank you but maybe next time. If you don’t want to.” He is right in my family the come and join if you would like to part is a polite way invite someone who may have plans and can’t make it, that way they don’t feel obligated to say yes, and not feeling guilty for saying no. In the end she agreed to join us and advised that she would be there in a bit. Then we head inside for a chicken and noodle feast that warms the heart and the soul.

Chicken noodles, mashed potatoes, and rolls. Served pipping hot and made with love. A knock on the door signals that the mom has arrived and she is warmly greeted by all. We then usher everyone to the table. Including the mom who insists that she shouldn’t because she was not included in the count for dinner and wanted to make sure there is enough for everyone. My son and I both assure her that there is plenty. We sit and visit and laugh and just have this amazing connection. This is family. Those boys and girls they all know they are welcomed in my home and now that the girlfriend’s mom has joined in, she too knows that we are family here and I hope she feels that too.

We talk about the proper way to eat chicken and noodles in Oklahoma. Like gravy on top of mashed potatoes. Now they are not from the south they are from the north and this just seems so odd to them. But the mom tries it anyways. Yet just like all the individuals at the table we all eat them different ways. One boy doesn’t care for CK&N as he says his mom makes it all winter long. So he fills his bowl up with the potatoes and asks for some cheese and has that for dinner. Another says that even though he is from Oklahoma, he doesn’t care for his to be mixed and only eats the CK&N. We all laugh and the only thought I had was not only was the food warm and filling, our souls got filled too. It truly helped me understand the real meaning of soul food. Because not only did it feed the body, it fed every soul there too. Soon though the dinner was complete and it was time to call it a night. I have work in the morning and I really do need my rest. We hug everyone say good night, and with that, we settle down.

I still have not stopped smiling. I have had the best Halloween that I’ve had in years. I swear that my husband was out there with us as Halloween was his favorite night of the year. Mainly because of nights like these. His mom and his aunt always made Halloween special for him. With tales of toilet paper and shaving cream that the moms throw on them one time. I’m telling you they had some amazing stories together and I miss listening to them laugh and tell them. But I hope that tonight, sticks with my son and his memory. So that one day while sitting as a family having CK&N on Halloween, he will tell the stories of all the things we did on Halloween nights.

-Dee

Moving Forward

In my last post, I talked about my experimenting with getting out of my comfort zone and learning how to find my meaning. Let me tell you wow, just wow. One of the first things that I have learned was so alarming. Did you know it is okay to go out on a school night? Yup you really just read that. There are two schools of thought here. The first is how could you not know that! The other is Wait what! You go out on a school night! Can you guess which school of thought I was? If you thought the second, you would be right. As an adult I can count on one hand how many times I have taken my kids somewhere on a school night that wasn’t school related. You just don’t do that! You have to have a schedule and your kids need rest and being in bed on time is so important. And while that is true to an extent, I have learned that there is nothing wrong with going out on a school night, within reason. Let me explain.

As most of you know my son is on the football team. Each week they designate one day where they go out and have dinner together. This has been a good tradition and it builds relationships outside of school and off of the football field. Yet, for this mom it brought a huge uncomfortable feeling on. As I drove my son to the first dinner my insides were screaming “we need to be at home! This is not right, we have to be in bed on time. What if this messes up our whole schedule?” These thoughts came rushing around a lot. To work though that I have to tell myself, “There is no rule anywhere that says we can’t do this.” I would keep telling myself, “you are the adult, if you say this is okay then it is okay!” It took a few of these trips before those thoughts and the feeling of doing something wrong to go away. I had to learn how to be comfortable in being uncomfortable. While I enjoyed the time with my son, the trip did wear us out. Okay it wore me out. It didn’t take long for me to let go of that anxiety and be okay with my son riding with someone else. Letting go. Learning to give my son his independence and hoping that he makes good decisions while he is out. This has been so good for me. Yes, I have to adjust and really get used to being comfortable with being uncomfortable. What I have found is something really sweet, I have found me time. This wonderful mysterious time that I have heard other mothers talk about but haven’t really experienced.

After a few weeks, I finally said “just ride with someone,”. I went home and crashed. I slept until he walked in the door just a few hours later. I could have done a million things that I tell myself there isn’t time to do. Time to take care of me. This is a new experience for me, but let me tell you what, it didn’t take me very long to fall in love with it. These nights I go for long walks, or take a long shower. I have done things like paint my toe nails, read a book, and now I am writing. Things that I love to do that I don’t normally take the time to. Now all of the sudden going out on a school night is very much okay with me. Of course not all the time, but every once in a while it is okay.

So, while I know that I am supposed to be learning how to make friends, I am first and foremost getting reacquainted with myself. I am doing the things that I love to do. I am taking the time to write and step into the person I want to be. This has brought some amazing energy into my life. I am truly finding my peace and happiness. That feels good. Instead of reaching out to try to connect with someone else I sit in the uncomfortable and connect with me. I am trying to learn about myself. You know the whole “what kind of eggs do I like” kind of things.

In the end I am trying to learn how to what the professionals call “self sooth”. I try not to listen to all the people out there because for me too many voices just cause confusion. So I need to listen to the one voice that matters most. My own. This is the one voice that I have tended to ignore. Why? People pleasing of course. Yet I am learning to listen more to that voice and less to the outside world. So while I am pushing myself to be more out going and meet new people, I am also learning how to meet and love myself.

Take your moment…..

It is finally fall! Okay well close to it. But here in the heartland football season has started. For this girl it always brings back the best memories. Sitting in the stands and the excitement of school spirit. I was a band kid. We sat as a group and played, cheered, and for me I learned about football. I was lucky to have guy friends who would answer questions and teach me what football was. It grew this love of the game that I never imagined I would have. As an adult I still have that passion. I am so lucky to have four amazing kids. I have band kids, a cheerleader, and the last one, a football player. I know it is a simple time that quickly passes by, but I am so thankful for it. Last night, I learned something so inspiring that I have to share.

Last night we traveled to a town even smaller than our own to play 7 on 7 football. If you know anything about football, 7 on 7 isn’t real. Our school agreed with the other school to play this way. Why? Well because the other school only had seven players and this could be the only chance they get to play. I have no idea why our school agreed to do it. All I do know is that I am so glad they did. Or I would not have gotten the chance to learn two lessons.

Lesson One….Life is going to Crush you…Get BACK UP.

The game started out and I cringed looking at our size verses there. One young man on their team was so small. Number 10. I will never forget Number 10. He was maybe just five feet tall and all of about one hundred pounds! Yet there he was on that field being a part of that team. He was short and fast which is why he was playing a running back position. In one play they hand him the ball and he takes off. Only to be met by one of our biggest defenders. Who like he has been taught, wrapped this kid up in a text book tackle. He landed just right to knock the wind out of little Number 10. Let me tell you the fans quickly got very quiet. Hearts were pounding and there Number 10 laid on the ground fighting to catch his breath. Coaches ran over to him and talked him through sitting up and gaining that breath back. It was heart stopping to say the least. Finally they got him back on his feet and with a wave to signal that he was okay the crowd erupted into thunderous applause. Still a little rattled, Number 10 rejoined his team. Many patted him on the back and checked on him giving him words of encouragement. Some asking “you good?”. With a nod of his head play resumed.

This amazing small kid got knocked down but he wasn’t out. Our team had the bigger size and more experience on the field. Yet the other team was not going to give up. They were going to give it their all. By the start of the second quarter, our team was a head and the other had not scored. Yet again Number 10 comes into play. Our team was on offense, for those that don’t know, offense is when your team has the ball and is trying to score. Anyways our team has the ball and they run a passing play. The ball is hiked and our QB drops back for the pass, all this time Number 10 sees the intention of the play. This little guy comes out of no where and intercepts the ball! Their fans erupt into the biggest cheers of the night! While our team stopped him before they scored, that one play will be forever burned into the memory of Number 10 for the rest of his life. What an amazing feeling that must have been for him. Did it make a difference in how the game ended? No, but maybe it will make a huge difference in that kid’s life. He was knocked down, and crushed, but he got up. He got up and kept going determined to finish what he started. He persevered and just a short time later had an amazing moment of pride and elation, in that blink of an eye for just a short time, he was a hero.

If you know anything about me, it is that I am a widow. I know all about life’s ability to crush you when you least expect it. For the last five years I have done everything from running away from pain to diving into it. None of it fun, all of it hard, and the only thing that mattered was getting up. The only good thing about diving into the pain is eventually you will get to break through the surface and gasp in that sweet air. I have had a very tough month learning how to sit in grief, so that I can mourn and heal, only to hope one day I can again catch that full breath and fight for my moment of pride and elation. I am on my way to loving and finding myself again. My moment will come.

Lesson Two…….SHOW UP…..

The picture above is of my son and my daughters boyfriend, we call him Jer. Jer has been overseas for the past 19 months. This young man is incredible. He has stepped up and truly helped this family both emotionally and physically since we lost Ed. So him being gone had left a pretty big hole in our lives. Just this week he got to come home. It wasn’t easy for him. His first flight was delayed making him miss his connecting flight, which in a very crazy way had him having two MONDAYS in one week!! I know it sounds impossible but trust me because of where he started from and here at home, even though he had to spend a night somewhere he indeed, still got home on the same day just 12 hours later. Which really was the better deal. Anyways he is finally home.

My son so excited to finally have another man around, invited Jer and my daughter to his football game. As you can see they made it! Their week has been so full. After getting home late on Tuesday, he and my daughter spent two days test driving and buying her a brand new car! I am so proud of her for doing this, she has worked very hard for that goal. And even though they were both exhausted, they came to the game. They were late and only saw the last quarter that was played, they still showed up. If you look closely at my son you will see what that meant to him. As they were released from the coaches huddle, he made his way over to us and seeing Jer crashed into him, bursting into tears. Someone Showed Up for HIM. Yes mom shows up all the time, but Mick needs men in his life, men that will show up when they say they will. It may not seem like a hard thing to do, showing up. Yet, think about it, this man had been traveling for over 36 hours, he had jet lag, spent the previous two days helping my daughter buy a car, and even though it would have been easier on him to just come to the next game, still showed up. That is what matters.

As a parent I know that is the kind of sacrifice you make. You work 50 plus hours a week and you still make the sacrifice and show up for your kids. That is what makes good men, good women, good parents. Showing up matters.

Showing up matters in everything. If Number 10 didn’t show up after getting knocked down, he would have never had that amazing moment. If Jer and my daughter had decided not come, Mick would never have gotten the moment when he saw that he mattered to someone other than mom. If I don’t show up and face grief and let it get me stuck in life, then I would never have the moment I had last night. Where I am finally truly and amazingly feeling joy and happiness again.

These two simple lessons, getting up and showing up, all lead to one thing, getting your moment. Number 10 faced a giant and got a beautiful moment because he didn’t give up. My son got a moment because someone was going to put his need over their own. I am getting this moment because I chose to focus on myself and heal so that I can focus on my kids. All of them were there last night. His sisters all support him in such amazing ways. He knows he is loved, supported, that we are proud of him and we are proud of each other. We are family, we have been knocked down. But we got up, we fought the fight of grief and sorrow, and are beating it little by little. We were down but we are not out and each moment like last night, we will win.

-Dee

Sometimes It’s Just the Blues….

My daughter and I just got back from an incredible vacation. The trip was supposed to be just a quick four day weekend, but turned into a five day trip. Little did I know that I needed that fifth day. Why? Because it became a day to not rush, to be free to say, we have all the time we need. Our whole weekend was like that. No rushing around trying to arrive somewhere on time, no stress trying to keep each other entertained. Simply just enjoying ourselves. The further into the weekend we got the more I relaxed and just let myself recover from a very busy first half of the year. I meditated and thought about how my year was going.

My year started with getting my heart broke and realizing that I needed more out of the relationship that I was trying so hard to save. Yet the truth is when I finally let go, I got happier. But it was not right away, in fact I continued to fight for that person for way to long. I’m tired of chasing someone, of begging for their love and attention. I’m tired of working so hard to give someone everything I want hoping that they would somehow understand that it is those things I need in a relationship. I am going to say this, I was so wrong to think that someone would even come close to guessing that. How unfair of me to even hope or think that. No that is not the way a relationship works. It is time for me to realize that. I need to fix my relationship with myself first.

So I began a journey that I am loving. Learning about myself. Who am I? I am kind, loving, and while I’m not some knockout my internal beauty is empowering. I am magic, I’ve said it a million times. All I have to do is remember that power and and love and let it shine through. The vacation helped me to tap into that. I walked around with a ton of very different people and for the first time in my life soaked in the love and acceptance of everyone. It was as if for the the first time in my life I actually feel recharged. Happy and content.

The other thing that has truly helped me during this journey is the grief group that I have been going to. I have learned so much and have decided that I will be starting my own. This is what I know I am supposed to do. One step at a time but I will make this work. This weekend has just allowed me to be who I am and realize that I don’t have to just write one book but both and still be and do what I dream of. It never had to be one or the other, I can and will write both. This helps me just walk that journey and really welcome in what I have learned. It is time to not chase a man but chase my dreams. That is where everything I need is. Chasing those dreams and letting the world see who I am. No more hiding.

The vacation has also taught me that it isn’t always heartache and sadness, nope sometimes it is just the blues and the blues never last forever, as long as you call them out. As long as you are brave enough to simply sit and face the sadness and heartache, you will eventually have to start looking for the blues but you won’t find them. Because you did the work to get through them, the work is hard as hell. It’s not fun and yes there will be tears. But I have learned that each tear, has healed me, the scar of pain is still there along with the missing of the person. But tears are what heal and being brave to face that is what makes me “the strongest person I know.” Life will be full of things that give us scars. We can try to avoid those things but life just doesn’t work that way. The scars make us beautiful. I have watched so many different documentaries lately on monks and how to be happy like them and I realized something, the monks that I find so smart and amazing have spent many years alone to find peace. They tend to stay in solitude and speak on rare occasions. I always ask the same question at the end of the show. How? How can they actually know these things if they stay alone all the time? It’s like they know the answers, but they may not know or understand the questions fully if they have no experience of the life. I have no answer for those questions. Maybe they just are not talking about those experiences. Maybe they prefer to keep those wounds to themselves. I just don’t think that was why I am created. Not to hide and protect myself from those experiences but to fully have the experience of humanity. After all, what is the sense of being a well with water if no one knows you have water?

The Power of a Secret

During a recent session with my counselor we started to discuss something that has become very powerful for me. There was a time after my husband passed that I was seeing a much younger man. This was my first experience with toxic narcissism. The first time I truly fell for someone who controlled everything. I respected his request to keep our relationship secret believing that we were just keeping our names out of the small town rumor mill. This made sense to me in a way but after a while, I started to think, this man doesn’t want a relationship with me. He just wanted the sex. Not that two grown consenting adults couldn’t do that, I just wanted more. The more I tried to get closer to him the more he would push me away. I realized that this was not the kind of relationship I wanted. It killed me to be someone’s secret. It brought up the childhood trauma of never being good enough for someone. So I ended it, it killed me to do so, but it was truly the best decision I ever made. As much as it hurt. But I want to bring something to your attention, I want to tell you about how I felt in the beginning. I felt powerful, sexy and alive.

A Superhero’s Secret Identity

As my therapists and I discussed this very old and toxic relationship, I stumbled upon something. We were discussing how I felt at the beginning of that relationship. I felt powerful. I had this what I believed to be the most amazing young man in my life, and the sex was like it was in some of the most romantic movies you have ever seen. (if you watch those things) I felt special and wanted and down right like a goddess. This mindset was incredible. I dressed different, I walked different, I became this confident woman. I found myself walking by other women and would see them whisper to their girlfriends. It didn’t matter to me, because they didn’t know. No one did, (of course people knew! I live in a small town, even the local cop, who is a woman and a friend, would see my car parked at his house late at night. That just screams booty call!) or at least that is what I told myself. And honestly if people did know I didn’t care, I was a single woman and he was a single man and we were happy. I was still a mom, a widow, and yes an older woman. But at night when I was with him, I was this alter ego and I loved every single second of it.

I wonder if this feeling that I had, that I’ve never had again, is what married people have when they have affairs. Or the feeling someone who is a secret addict has. Holy hell no wonder people do those things. It made life exciting and it made me feel alive. I am not trying to defend why people do those things, I’m just saying that the powerful feeling that comes with those actions can make one feel like a whole new person. If you do not like who you are it is one way to reinvent yourself. Please believe me I am not saying this is the right thing to do. No in fact it is the very way to lose everything you have. What I am saying is it could very well be the power of that secret that changed you.

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Superhero or Villain?

As my therapist and I talked I began to wonder, can this superpower this amazing feeling be used for good? Or does it only feel good because you think you are getting away with something? Is that feeling one of a true Superhero or is it really a Villain that you are becoming? After all if the secret will eventually lead to someone getting hurt, then it is quite possible that you are indeed the Villain. Maybe not from your point of view, but to those around you, your spouse, children, and outside family members, you are indeed the villain. You don’t mean to hurt them, in fact you were probably the one hurting and just needed to feel good again. The reason doesn’t matter, villain is the title that gets handed to you.

As my therapist talked I began to wonder if there was a time when the feeling of being that Superhero and holding a secret didn’t involve hurting someone. Here is what I came up with. Fortunately there are times, you just have to be very aware of them and learn how to harness the power you get from those times. Let me list a few for you. Christmas, a surprise birthday, a surprise visit, a surprise anniversary party. Do you see the correlation? These things are still secrets. These secrets are fun to carry around to talk to others about that you can trust to keep that secret. They build suspense and excitement. The only difference with these secrets, is it is less likely to end up with someone getting hurt. We can create the same kind of feeling that I got from the toxic relationship, by focusing on good healthy things. Surprising someone you love does this. Let me explain.

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Putting the Theory to Practice

After the toxic relationship was over, I spent time alone. When I did date again months later I wanted to see if I could recreate that very romantic very wild very exciting life again. Well the man that I was with had no idea. I decided to take him camping something we both love to do. Be out in nature and soak in the energy from being disconnected from everyone. I didn’t tell him what we were doing, I just told him to pack a bag for a couple of nights and to make sure that he had something warm to sleep in. When I pulled up to pick him up he lit up like a kid. Which in turn lit me up, that excitement that I was chasing was right there. That same feeling of this was going to be amazing carried us through the weekend and even during the next week and months after we talk about that one weekend being just one of our favorite memories we share. No we didn’t work out and the relationship recently fell completely apart. But I know why, because there was no secrets to share. So you see it does work for good. You just have to decide who you want to be. A Superhero or a Villain.

From now on, though, I know what I need and want out of a relationship. I want that feeling. The feeling of the secret of knowing what’s in the box before it is opened on Christmas morning. I want to learn how to create that same kind of power from a good secret that I got from what eventually was a toxic one. The answer was simple it all came down to mindset. When that toxic relationship started the secret was powerful, but in the end the secret became crushing and hurt. But if my mindset was the same in a healthy relationship, I could indeed harness that same ego boosting feeling. It’s all about the perspective that we have. What I believed was good was toxic and what I felt had become boring and dull just needed a secret to make it feel exciting again. That is the power of a secret. It is up to you to decide how to create that power and mindset.

-Dee

One Day At A Time

Not long ago I did something I never thought I would do. I started out at a new job, no this is nothing new, everyone does it. But not everyone says I’m leaving a good job and I’m taking another to get where I want to be. Around here you are lucky to find a job that pays well enough for you to drive to it. I live in a small community, and I know what you are thinking. Just move to the bigger city. I am not a city person. I am a nice quiet street with hardly any neighbors to bother you kind of person. I have that where I am, so I stay. It is a good community and an amazing school system. We stay.

Anyways, I did drive to an amazing job that I loved. The people were kind and knew their jobs well. Even better than that they knew how to do work at work and leave home at home. Yes, there were times when we talked about kids or husbands and life, but for the most part we talked about work. Then worked hard. I enjoyed the job even though it wasn’t really all that challenging, what it did do was show me how to run a large payroll system and I learned the capabilities of what they can do. Then life hits as always trouble is around the bend. My personal life went south and I needed some time away so my son and I joined an old friend and her son and off to Branson for a weekend. It is what I needed. I talked about work and how much I have learned and what amazing things these newer systems can do.

That is when my friend offered me a position at her office. A place I had worked before, it was hard to leave that place but I had to. I was so distracted by life and drowning in work that I just could not focus on anything. Grief does that, it distracts you even when you think you are doing good, for a while it is just always right in your face. The job I had was way too much and not focusing meant things got behind and I needed to breathe. So I left.

Yet here she was offering a dream position. HR Administrator. A position I would have to work years for and then hope that I would stumble on an opening. As those are few and far between. Then she dropped the bomb on the pay and I knew I was in. I didn’t have to drive anymore and I would no longer have to miss anything like ballgames and programs my son would be in. It’s just a few short more years and he will be out of school and I will miss these busy years. So being close to home is worth so much more in these last few years of motherhood that I have left. I mean I will always be a mom, but there is a big difference between a school mom and an empty nest mom.

Needless to say, I took the job and have been there almost two months. It has flown by. My weeks have been nothing but a blur. Suddenly we are making changes to policies and looking at adding some features that I believe will add value to our systems. Systems that have not changed since I left. Which in a way is kind of sad, that place is always moving and growing and it’s systems should be growing with it. Not only that but so should the people, they should feel as if they are being invested in that they are part of a bigger team and our projects are a big part of success for the team. I am working on building a new culture for the company. One of teamwork and our success is their success as well. Being known for a safe work environment is something we need to stress to our guys and an incentive program will really help us on this.

There are a lot of things the owners are implementing are really exciting. I get to be a part of that. It has been eye opening how much of a step back really helped move me forward. I have lived most of my life with people who said “you’re not ready yet.” I have always been the kind of person who set out to do what others said I couldn’t. Yet for the first time in my life I was the one who decided to step back. It paid off and I am thankful for the things I learned while I did. I learned how to be a good leader and how to keep work and home separate. Those things have been so valuable and now I get to work on other things that excite me. While making the money I know I am worth.

So knowing when to pull away even when we are scared to do it was such a valuable thing to me. I learned how to make changes even when I was so scared to make them. I am excited to be home, to no longer be afraid to use my voice and push ideas even if they are turned down. What I have learned is at work it is work and it is either good for the business or it is not, it is nothing personal it indeed is business. Yet when you bring a good idea and it is followed through that causes such a great deal of pride. Something most people work years for and never feel that they get. That will be my job, learning how to make the little guy know that his position no matter how small is just as important as all the other positions out there. This one goal makes me so excited to go to work, and it keeps me motivated to learn and improve as much as possible.

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and New Year and I look forward to writing more and more as I am working on how to balance work and home and having more time to do so!