parenting – The Journey of a Lioness

Three Words That Gave Me Freedom

This year has been full of changes for me. Mostly changes for myself. Finding out who I truly am. Finally learning how to accept myself as I am, and in that focusing on who I want to be. Not what I think sounds good to other people but what sounds good to me. I have sat back for years and let others put their expectations on me and I do everything in my power to be that person. To be what they need, because growing up no one was there for me. So many people came into my life used me for what they needed then simply walked away. And to a person with abandonment issues and a desperate need to find deep connection to others I let them. I wanted to be important to someone! Anyone! Unfortunately what that did was make everyone more important than myself. That began a life of people pleasing because I was afraid they wouldn’t like who I was and quickly leave. What I didn’t realize was that not everyone was meant to stay in our lives. Let the leaves blow away from the tree for then it is is easier to find the roots.

Since Mat and I have parted and I made the commitment to stay alone for a year I have had to take a deep look at those roots. For me this was not an easy thing its not fun to tear yourself apart and look at the parts you’d rather just ignore and hope they go away. Yet I needed to get down to that inner child and find out why was she letting everyone one in. When the adult knew it wasn’t safe, the child cried out, but what if this person is finally the one! Oh how crushing it was to take the hand of that child and tell her, if they are the one then why are they not seeing how they have hurt you? Why is it that they still only focus on what you can provide them instead of coming to you and saying “here you need this.” How crushing was it to have to wrap my arms around myself and once again say it’s not that you are not enough for them, it is simply the fact that this person cannot give you what you need, and your needs are just as important as theirs. It is time to stop sacrificing everything for someone who will always take and never give. And when you can no longer give, they will blame you for not providing and walk away. It is time that this inner child lets go and starts to trust the inner adult and to build that trust, the adult has to stand up and say I will do this no longer.

It is time for the adult to start keeping promises to themselves and showing up for that inner child. Not only is that conversation hard but so is keeping that promise to that inner self. This year I’ve had men try to come back into my life who I know only wanted one thing. Who I’ve had to tell that I can’t be that person for you. I can’t be the release to your panic that your life isn’t or hasn’t gone the way you thought it would. I’ve had to leave them standing in the dark hearts racing and pleading for another chance. I’ve had to block numbers and delete names from friends lists, to just close doors that I had always left opened, wishing or hoping that one day someone would realize that I’m the one that got away. The truth is I may be the one that got away, but to actually get away, I have to leave.

I’m telling you to understand that now is so powerful. I didn’t want to leave because I had so many who left me and it was crushing and crushing someone is not something I want to do. Yet, just because you don’t want to do something doesn’t mean that it isn’t the right thing to do. Leaves are meant to fly away and are even meant to get crumpled and torn apart and destroyed so that very little to nothing can be found. In order for me to grow as a person as a soul I had to stop clinging to other souls that were not meant to stay. I only hold myself down and them as captives. It was as if my tree for the first time in years shed all of it leaves.

I’ve seen this happen in real life. There is this big beautiful tree at the front entrance of my son’s school. One day as I dropped him off I noticed that it still held all of its leaves and I smiled as I wondered wow how long is it going to hold onto those! That day was a cool breezy day the sun was shinning but you could feel just a bit of winter in that breeze. By the end of the school day, that tree had lost every single one of it’s leaves. In just a few short hours they were all gone, gathered on the ground beneath it and flying through the air as the wind scattered them. That is what I had to do this year. I had to stop everything I was doing the hope, the looking, the constant worry about being alone, and I had to let it all go.

As you all know I started by moving Mat out. If you asked him he equates it to throwing him out like trash. This was crushing to me that he felt that way. What I had to learn was if he felt that way well then let him. What I had to tell the inner child was, he was hurting us emotionally, and I could no longer allow that to happen. And while the inner child worked so hard at holding on to Mat and the hope that he would change. The reality is, almost a year later and he has not changed at all. He is still using, he is still trying to control me and uses my emotions to do that, even if it means he is doing something to make me mad then at least I am reacting to him. Deep in my heart I just want to walk away and not look back. You see the adult there protecting the child, and I have to be strong and tell the child it is what is best.

I have gotten the space the adult needed, so that the child could gain the perspective that it needed to see that not letting people go was indeed hurting us the most. When I did it, when I let go; and really said “done” it was as if a ton of leaves fell off the tree. And the crazy thing is those branches that were so weighed down could finally reach to their full height.

Here it is months latter, and every once in a while I get the thought of signing up for the dating apps again but something deep tells me it’s just not time. So I set my phone aside and keep working. On me. I’ve doing things for me. Spending time with people I want to spend time with and making friends with new people. Even people on line! They are where I have found peace. I can be myself. Then someone I have talked to for a while told me something that moved me so emotionally that it has taken me weeks to just settle it out. We were talking about the past and I just made the comment “I miss him very much.” Talking about Ed. The response to this so profound for me. “As you should.”

Those three words have changed me so deeply. It’s not like I have never said out loud that I miss him. I’ve said it often in fact. Yet most of the time the response I get is “I know.” That answer the, “I know.” just hits me so raw and makes me angry. They don’t know. How could they really know? They can guess they can assume. But they can’t ever know. Even if they have lost their spouse I would never presume to know a relationship so well to say “I know”. But the answer “as you should” was this incredible way to just do two things. The first it acknowledged that the moment was heavy and heavy with sorrow. The second was this way to give me permission to just be in the moment for as long as I needed to. It was the most compassionate and kind thing anyone has said to me since Ed passed away. It was permission to let the tears fall and not be ashamed of them even though its been five years. It was permission to let the love that I still hold for Ed be there in that moment.

I do not know why God has chosen this person to cross my path. It could be just so I could learn how to say “as you should” to someone else one day. It could be because this person is on a healing journey much like my own and learning how to sit in the most uncomfortable moments is part of that journey. All I do know is I thank God for that moment and those three small words for they have changed me deeply.

It is winter, I have shed all my leaves and stand stark naked and raw against the changing of the cold bitter winds of winter. But I have to, I have to see where my roots are and make sure that those I am letting in are the ones that help change and grow those deep roots, and if they are not, I need to let them go. The adult that shows up and protects the inner child on their own because someone has to. If others can’t keep their promises then I need to learn to keep the promises I made to myself. So that I can heal that inner child and deepen the roots of the tree. So that when spring comes, the limbs are taller and the roots deeper and the wisdom to find that balance is with it.

-Dee

Cherishing Halloween Traditions: A Family’s Journey

The Tradition

Halloween has always been one of my families favorite holidays. Why? Well for my kids who have always had amazing costumes. It is a time to get to dress up and pretend to be someone else. A hero, an actor, who ever! It’s also about the candy. I mean they are kids. For me it is the start of what I call the magic of the holidays. It always felt so magical this time of year, and each week and celebration all seems to add up to the magic of Christmas. This year I spent all week thinking it just will not be the same. It wasn’t but it was. You see my son had told me a few weeks ago that a few friends would be coming over and they would be going out to trick or treat together.

All week long I kept telling myself that I should do extra chores to make sure the house was perfect for when his friends were here. Not that my home is really messy. I mean when you can have a perfectly cleaned home in half an hour it can’t really be all that messy right? Anyways, as Halloween got closer the more I just didn’t want to do anything. Why? Because in my heart of hearts I just knew that this year would be sad for me. Because we live almost out of town we get very few kids. Honestly if I got one it would be a record. The last few years my son has done this tradition with his friends. They all meet up and go out together while I’m stuck at home eating most of the candy that I bought. This year I figured it would be no different. Well school ended and so did football practice and I get the call. “Hey mom the crew is ready to be picked up.”

I tell him okay I’ll be there in just a few. I have an amazing job that allows me to leave work and pick him up every day. Usually they practice until five, today they got out a little early. So I went to pick up the “crew.” When I pulled into the school parking lot, there they were. These four very different boys. They are all unique in their own way and I love them all. We laugh and giggle and make jokes as we stuff all four of them into my very small car. It’s a small town and we don’t live far from the school. I get them home and drop them off with the promise that I will be back after work with soda, popcorn, and fixings for our traditional Chicken Noodle dinner. They happily waved and walked into our home. My heart strings tugged, and yet I pulled away with one thought. God allowed my husband to pass for what ever reason, I am not sure. But what I am sure of, is he put these boys into my life for a reason too and my heart is filled with joy and love. So as I head to work I did something I don’t normally do. I prayed, not to ask for anything, just simply to say thank you. I may have lost one love, yet there is still so much more out there.

After work I went to two stores to get all the things for dinner and hurried home. I called to let my son know I’m on my way and asked him to meet me outside to carry the groceries in. I pulled in and out came all four boys laughing and joking , grabbing all the groceries. It made my heart filled with love even more. They bring them in and while laughing and talking they put them away. Working together as a team. Then my son asks me hey did you get my text? I told him no. Well he had asked me to pick up his girlfriend on the way home. I told him sorry buddy I missed that one. I’ll go get her now. So I was off again. As I’m heading across our little town, I thought about all the years when my girls were little. The tradition of going over to grandma Rhea’s house for Halloween. Grandma Rhea lived in the “fancy” neighborhood in town and it really was where everyone went to trick or treat. I miss those years so much and I miss walking around with my little ones. It was such a sorrow of knowing that part of life was over for me, and I just knew it was a part that I dearly love.

I picked up the girlfriend and head back home. When we walk in the house is loud and filled with the noise of boys. (if you are the mom of a boy you know this noise especially if you have more than one.) The girlfriend who is a classmate joins in and assures me that these boys are exactly like this in school. I’m thinking to myself, they may need to double the pay of our teachers. So I cook and visit with everyone and just love this socializing that they do and that they bring me into so easily. I also do the dishes that I didn’t do the night before because I’ve had my own mental battles this week. Not once did someone make a comment about how clean or unclean the house is. Except the girlfriend who said “wow, your house is nice!” This made my heart swell because we have worked very hard on the house and we are proud of it.

All too soon it was time for them to go out. But one says, “hey I need to get some pictures, my mom will kill me if I don’t.” So we go outside for the traditional group picture. there is a slight twinge in my heart as I wonder will this be the last one. They are getting older. I keep waiting for them to say goodbye and head off. Then my son says, “Okay mom are we taking the truck?” as he scrambles to help find a hoodie for his girlfriend as the weather has really cooled off. I stare at him as if I didn’t understand what he was saying. “The truck?” I asked. “Yeah, you know you gotta drive us around!”

I can’t even begin to tell you the joy that leaped into my heart. “Oh yes!” I say as I head inside to put on shoes and grab the truck key. As I head to my car to grab my wallet, I snap a picture and send it to all my friends. “The smile this mom has when her son says, ‘you have to drive us around mom!” This very small part of me seemed to just vibrate right into place. I was not being left out, I was a part of the tradition. I also went and told my daughter who lives with us, that she too needed to come. Tonight no one would be left out. As we put down the tailgate and load everyone into the back of the truck my son says, “mom we have more to pick up in front of the pizza place.” I tell him okay and with me driving and my daughter riding shot-gun, and a truck bed filled with these amazing kids we headed off.

As we go down the street my son calls me and says that his girlfriends mom would like it if we stopped at their house so she could see them all. Of course we can! No one is left out tonight. We stop in front of the pizza shop and pick up one and then take off to his girlfriends home. We get there and we all jump out of the truck. There is laughter and greetings. As we are standing there visiting and letting her take pictures, another group joins in. A large group with whom I’ve never met. But they all know each other, and more laughter and visiting. Suddenly I hear “we are going with Mickey!” and our total is now increased by five more. We all load back into the truck and off we head slowly to the good neighborhood where it is an easy park and walk and you can get a ton of candy. Suddenly I realized that this was the very thing my heart had quietly hoped for all week. Just one more year out with my kids, enjoying the place that we call home. It was a fantastic evening. Yet it wasn’t over.

After it gets dark we wrap up the trick or treating. We drop quite a few off with parents, and then head home with all the kids I started out with. We make one more stop at our neighbors who is the grandparents of one of the girls that has joined us. On our way back to the house my son’s girlfriend calls her mom to let her know that we would be eating dinner then watching a movie. No not a scary one! Then my son does something even more amazing, he invites her mom over for dinner.” Please come and join us if you would like to.” Her mom, teases him a little and asks are you sure because that kind of sounds like you don’t really want me to. In which he says, “In Oklahoma that is the polite way to invite someone, because if you do not feel like coming you can say thank you but maybe next time. If you don’t want to.” He is right in my family the come and join if you would like to part is a polite way invite someone who may have plans and can’t make it, that way they don’t feel obligated to say yes, and not feeling guilty for saying no. In the end she agreed to join us and advised that she would be there in a bit. Then we head inside for a chicken and noodle feast that warms the heart and the soul.

Chicken noodles, mashed potatoes, and rolls. Served pipping hot and made with love. A knock on the door signals that the mom has arrived and she is warmly greeted by all. We then usher everyone to the table. Including the mom who insists that she shouldn’t because she was not included in the count for dinner and wanted to make sure there is enough for everyone. My son and I both assure her that there is plenty. We sit and visit and laugh and just have this amazing connection. This is family. Those boys and girls they all know they are welcomed in my home and now that the girlfriend’s mom has joined in, she too knows that we are family here and I hope she feels that too.

We talk about the proper way to eat chicken and noodles in Oklahoma. Like gravy on top of mashed potatoes. Now they are not from the south they are from the north and this just seems so odd to them. But the mom tries it anyways. Yet just like all the individuals at the table we all eat them different ways. One boy doesn’t care for CK&N as he says his mom makes it all winter long. So he fills his bowl up with the potatoes and asks for some cheese and has that for dinner. Another says that even though he is from Oklahoma, he doesn’t care for his to be mixed and only eats the CK&N. We all laugh and the only thought I had was not only was the food warm and filling, our souls got filled too. It truly helped me understand the real meaning of soul food. Because not only did it feed the body, it fed every soul there too. Soon though the dinner was complete and it was time to call it a night. I have work in the morning and I really do need my rest. We hug everyone say good night, and with that, we settle down.

I still have not stopped smiling. I have had the best Halloween that I’ve had in years. I swear that my husband was out there with us as Halloween was his favorite night of the year. Mainly because of nights like these. His mom and his aunt always made Halloween special for him. With tales of toilet paper and shaving cream that the moms throw on them one time. I’m telling you they had some amazing stories together and I miss listening to them laugh and tell them. But I hope that tonight, sticks with my son and his memory. So that one day while sitting as a family having CK&N on Halloween, he will tell the stories of all the things we did on Halloween nights.

-Dee

Take your moment…..

It is finally fall! Okay well close to it. But here in the heartland football season has started. For this girl it always brings back the best memories. Sitting in the stands and the excitement of school spirit. I was a band kid. We sat as a group and played, cheered, and for me I learned about football. I was lucky to have guy friends who would answer questions and teach me what football was. It grew this love of the game that I never imagined I would have. As an adult I still have that passion. I am so lucky to have four amazing kids. I have band kids, a cheerleader, and the last one, a football player. I know it is a simple time that quickly passes by, but I am so thankful for it. Last night, I learned something so inspiring that I have to share.

Last night we traveled to a town even smaller than our own to play 7 on 7 football. If you know anything about football, 7 on 7 isn’t real. Our school agreed with the other school to play this way. Why? Well because the other school only had seven players and this could be the only chance they get to play. I have no idea why our school agreed to do it. All I do know is that I am so glad they did. Or I would not have gotten the chance to learn two lessons.

Lesson One….Life is going to Crush you…Get BACK UP.

The game started out and I cringed looking at our size verses there. One young man on their team was so small. Number 10. I will never forget Number 10. He was maybe just five feet tall and all of about one hundred pounds! Yet there he was on that field being a part of that team. He was short and fast which is why he was playing a running back position. In one play they hand him the ball and he takes off. Only to be met by one of our biggest defenders. Who like he has been taught, wrapped this kid up in a text book tackle. He landed just right to knock the wind out of little Number 10. Let me tell you the fans quickly got very quiet. Hearts were pounding and there Number 10 laid on the ground fighting to catch his breath. Coaches ran over to him and talked him through sitting up and gaining that breath back. It was heart stopping to say the least. Finally they got him back on his feet and with a wave to signal that he was okay the crowd erupted into thunderous applause. Still a little rattled, Number 10 rejoined his team. Many patted him on the back and checked on him giving him words of encouragement. Some asking “you good?”. With a nod of his head play resumed.

This amazing small kid got knocked down but he wasn’t out. Our team had the bigger size and more experience on the field. Yet the other team was not going to give up. They were going to give it their all. By the start of the second quarter, our team was a head and the other had not scored. Yet again Number 10 comes into play. Our team was on offense, for those that don’t know, offense is when your team has the ball and is trying to score. Anyways our team has the ball and they run a passing play. The ball is hiked and our QB drops back for the pass, all this time Number 10 sees the intention of the play. This little guy comes out of no where and intercepts the ball! Their fans erupt into the biggest cheers of the night! While our team stopped him before they scored, that one play will be forever burned into the memory of Number 10 for the rest of his life. What an amazing feeling that must have been for him. Did it make a difference in how the game ended? No, but maybe it will make a huge difference in that kid’s life. He was knocked down, and crushed, but he got up. He got up and kept going determined to finish what he started. He persevered and just a short time later had an amazing moment of pride and elation, in that blink of an eye for just a short time, he was a hero.

If you know anything about me, it is that I am a widow. I know all about life’s ability to crush you when you least expect it. For the last five years I have done everything from running away from pain to diving into it. None of it fun, all of it hard, and the only thing that mattered was getting up. The only good thing about diving into the pain is eventually you will get to break through the surface and gasp in that sweet air. I have had a very tough month learning how to sit in grief, so that I can mourn and heal, only to hope one day I can again catch that full breath and fight for my moment of pride and elation. I am on my way to loving and finding myself again. My moment will come.

Lesson Two…….SHOW UP…..

The picture above is of my son and my daughters boyfriend, we call him Jer. Jer has been overseas for the past 19 months. This young man is incredible. He has stepped up and truly helped this family both emotionally and physically since we lost Ed. So him being gone had left a pretty big hole in our lives. Just this week he got to come home. It wasn’t easy for him. His first flight was delayed making him miss his connecting flight, which in a very crazy way had him having two MONDAYS in one week!! I know it sounds impossible but trust me because of where he started from and here at home, even though he had to spend a night somewhere he indeed, still got home on the same day just 12 hours later. Which really was the better deal. Anyways he is finally home.

My son so excited to finally have another man around, invited Jer and my daughter to his football game. As you can see they made it! Their week has been so full. After getting home late on Tuesday, he and my daughter spent two days test driving and buying her a brand new car! I am so proud of her for doing this, she has worked very hard for that goal. And even though they were both exhausted, they came to the game. They were late and only saw the last quarter that was played, they still showed up. If you look closely at my son you will see what that meant to him. As they were released from the coaches huddle, he made his way over to us and seeing Jer crashed into him, bursting into tears. Someone Showed Up for HIM. Yes mom shows up all the time, but Mick needs men in his life, men that will show up when they say they will. It may not seem like a hard thing to do, showing up. Yet, think about it, this man had been traveling for over 36 hours, he had jet lag, spent the previous two days helping my daughter buy a car, and even though it would have been easier on him to just come to the next game, still showed up. That is what matters.

As a parent I know that is the kind of sacrifice you make. You work 50 plus hours a week and you still make the sacrifice and show up for your kids. That is what makes good men, good women, good parents. Showing up matters.

Showing up matters in everything. If Number 10 didn’t show up after getting knocked down, he would have never had that amazing moment. If Jer and my daughter had decided not come, Mick would never have gotten the moment when he saw that he mattered to someone other than mom. If I don’t show up and face grief and let it get me stuck in life, then I would never have the moment I had last night. Where I am finally truly and amazingly feeling joy and happiness again.

These two simple lessons, getting up and showing up, all lead to one thing, getting your moment. Number 10 faced a giant and got a beautiful moment because he didn’t give up. My son got a moment because someone was going to put his need over their own. I am getting this moment because I chose to focus on myself and heal so that I can focus on my kids. All of them were there last night. His sisters all support him in such amazing ways. He knows he is loved, supported, that we are proud of him and we are proud of each other. We are family, we have been knocked down. But we got up, we fought the fight of grief and sorrow, and are beating it little by little. We were down but we are not out and each moment like last night, we will win.

-Dee