Tag: relationship

Why I Chose to Be Single for a Year

One year. I have set a goal to be single for one year. It was so hard starting out. Of course it starts out with a heartache. I mean I had to break things off with my fiancé. It wasn’t easy and yes I miss him very much, but what I have learned is I may miss him, but I don’t miss the stress and worry of him coming home in an altered state. In fact the longer I am out of the relationship the better I feel. I never thought I would say that. I spent so much time saying “I just can’t do alone.” The truth is I can, and I am adjusting to it well.

My life isn’t any easier, but in the few relationships I’ve had since my husband passed I learned that I am not willing to settle. It is a powerful feeling standing up and saying my needs are important too. No more trying to earn someone’s love who is only going to take and not give back. I am no longer going to keep giving myself to someone who isn’t willing to give of themselves too. This one thought has changed me. Not just a little but a lot, in a way what that one thought did was give me the power to take control over my life. I have learned that you shouldn’t feel like you have to earn someone’s love. And to be quite honest I truly think that is what I did. I would listen and ask questions and learn about their one obsession, so that I had something to talk about with them. When in reality if I was in my own world I just wouldn’t care about it. It is like the girl who pretends to like fishing and she really doesn’t enjoy it at all.

Going out into nature and wondering around in the woods, is something I love. Fishing? Nope not for me. Yet the old me would have packed the truck made sure everything was ready to go to show him how much I cared about him as a person. I put effort into relationships with people who would never have put the same effort into making sure they did the same thing. I deserve someone better than that and if I have to be that person for myself then I can be. I have proven that these past few months. Proven that I understand what loving myself looks like. It looks like all that effort that I am so desperate for someone to give, I actually give it to myself.

One question comes to mind. Do I really? Do I really like to be outside? Do I really like to travel? Do I really like to be in a room full of people? In my last relationship I would get so frustrated at the lack of drive to do things I know I talked about not wanting a relationship that included sitting on a couch and watching TV. I wanted someone who wanted to be active who wanted more than going to work and coming home. I should have known he wasn’t ready for that. The constant asking where is or what is your favorite things? And getting no answers. That one thing worried me a lot.

I now know that is something I want in a relationship someone who knows who they are. How else would they know that they like me? What if they wake up one day and suddenly I am not the person they want to be with? If they don’t know who they are, how am I supposed to? They just wanted to be with someone. I don’t want to be the “I guess this will work” kind of partner. I want someone to know what they want and when I ask them why me, they can name specific reasons. They can say things like you push me to be more than what I am. Or, “I want to be the one who gives you the world because you deserve it.” Instead of saying “well if I could give you the world I would but that is just asking too much.” I don’t want to be the one asking for more. I want to be the one who says I can give that much too.

I completely understand to most people this is a pipe dream. Well I can tell you this, it may be unrealistic, but it is something I refuse to give in on. Loneliness passes, there are always people to go out and do things with. But I will no longer sacrifice being happy just so I have someone to talk to in the evenings. Nothing hurts me more than me pouring my soul out about something that happened that day and have someone pretend to listen. If I have to sit and listen or watch YouTube videos about something I am not interested in then isn’t it only fair that I get the same in return? I know what I bring to the table. I am so good at making people feel valuable. At making them feel seen and heard and alive. I am only asking for the same in return. I won’t give up looking for that. I want to be with someone who I talk about something with them and two weeks later they bring it up. Because they listened. They wanted to know what was going on in my life because they care. In short I don’t want to be with someone who is with me for what they get out of it. I am no longer going to take care of someone more than what they are willing to take care of me. I just want to feel like I am important to someone too.

I also know that the only way I am going to truly find this, is by waiting for it, and understanding it may never come along. Yet I truly believe it will. All I have to do is set the standard. Demand that I am treated the right way. In short, I have to stop trying to force a relationship. Let it come to me, because the truth of the matter is, I try to tell myself that I am in love. When you have only been on a few dates, or spent a few nights talking on the phone that isn’t falling for someone. That is thinking, well this is better than nothing. It is me that settles. I am no longer going to settle. You want me in your life? It is time to sit back and let someone else chase me. Pick me up for dinner. Come over late and sacrifice sleep because being with me is the only thing on your mind. Just to be next to me because being near does something to you that you can’t explain but the more you get to the more you want to. That is what I want. Not me chasing someone but someone chasing me. I am worth being chased. I am worth the right person’s time. And that person is worth waiting for.

Soon I will have made it a full year alone. It wasn’t easy, it was in fact quite lonely. Yet it was also liberating. It gave me time to become brave. Brave enough to say enough. To say I am worth more and I deserve the kind of relationship that I dream about. I know who I am. When I finally broke up with my ex most people would tell me “learn to love yourself.” This one sentence angered me so much. I would reply “Okay! Just tell me how!” I now know how to do that. It is taking the time to mourn the loss of the relationship. To give space to yourself to miss that other person, but to also let go of that person. And to open yourself up to asking what is it that didn’t work in that relationship?

Was it something they did or didn’t do. Or how about just realizing that you both were in very different places. That you couldn’t wait for them to realize they had growing to do too. Only to sit and watch the very kind of relationship that you said you didn’t want come into being. Or to learn life is way to short to wait around for the “right time.” The one that got me was I couldn’t continue to love the man I hoped one day he would be. While his words said he wanted to be that man. His actions said, I just don’t want to do the work to be that man. Then his words went on to say, “you should just accept me for who I am.” Yet, he didn’t want to do the same thing for me. I am the one who “needed to work out.” Who needed to be “a better woman.” I’m not saying I’m perfect but damn. It was my house, my car, I paid my bills, and took care of him. Yet it wasn’t enough for him. He gave nothing and I gave it all. Nope time for me to say what you think you give, you don’t. And what I need isn’t what you are willing to give so I chose more. I chose to be loved more than that.

I choose more, because I love me more than that. That is what learning how to love yourself is. It is learning to say I love me enough to walk away from what I think I want because knowing what I deserve is so much more.

The Power of a Secret

During a recent session with my counselor we started to discuss something that has become very powerful for me. There was a time after my husband passed that I was seeing a much younger man. This was my first experience with toxic narcissism. The first time I truly fell for someone who controlled everything. I respected his request to keep our relationship secret believing that we were just keeping our names out of the small town rumor mill. This made sense to me in a way but after a while, I started to think, this man doesn’t want a relationship with me. He just wanted the sex. Not that two grown consenting adults couldn’t do that, I just wanted more. The more I tried to get closer to him the more he would push me away. I realized that this was not the kind of relationship I wanted. It killed me to be someone’s secret. It brought up the childhood trauma of never being good enough for someone. So I ended it, it killed me to do so, but it was truly the best decision I ever made. As much as it hurt. But I want to bring something to your attention, I want to tell you about how I felt in the beginning. I felt powerful, sexy and alive.

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A Superhero’s Secret Identity

As my therapists and I discussed this very old and toxic relationship, I stumbled upon something. We were discussing how I felt at the beginning of that relationship. I felt powerful. I had this what I believed to be the most amazing young man in my life, and the sex was like it was in some of the most romantic movies you have ever seen. (if you watch those things) I felt special and wanted and down right like a goddess. This mindset was incredible. I dressed different, I walked different, I became this confident woman. I found myself walking by other women and would see them whisper to their girlfriends. It didn’t matter to me, because they didn’t know. No one did, (of course people knew! I live in a small town, even the local cop, who is a woman and a friend, would see my car parked at his house late at night. That just screams booty call!) or at least that is what I told myself. And honestly if people did know I didn’t care, I was a single woman and he was a single man and we were happy. I was still a mom, a widow, and yes an older woman. But at night when I was with him, I was this alter ego and I loved every single second of it.

I wonder if this feeling that I had, that I’ve never had again, is what married people have when they have affairs. Or the feeling someone who is a secret addict has. Holy hell no wonder people do those things. It made life exciting and it made me feel alive. I am not trying to defend why people do those things, I’m just saying that the powerful feeling that comes with those actions can make one feel like a whole new person. If you do not like who you are it is one way to reinvent yourself. Please believe me I am not saying this is the right thing to do. No in fact it is the very way to lose everything you have. What I am saying is it could very well be the power of that secret that changed you.

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Superhero or Villain?

As my therapist and I talked I began to wonder, can this superpower this amazing feeling be used for good? Or does it only feel good because you think you are getting away with something? Is that feeling one of a true Superhero or is it really a Villain that you are becoming? After all if the secret will eventually lead to someone getting hurt, then it is quite possible that you are indeed the Villain. Maybe not from your point of view, but to those around you, your spouse, children, and outside family members, you are indeed the villain. You don’t mean to hurt them, in fact you were probably the one hurting and just needed to feel good again. The reason doesn’t matter, villain is the title that gets handed to you.

As my therapist talked I began to wonder if there was a time when the feeling of being that Superhero and holding a secret didn’t involve hurting someone. Here is what I came up with. Fortunately there are times, you just have to be very aware of them and learn how to harness the power you get from those times. Let me list a few for you. Christmas, a surprise birthday, a surprise visit, a surprise anniversary party. Do you see the correlation? These things are still secrets. These secrets are fun to carry around to talk to others about that you can trust to keep that secret. They build suspense and excitement. The only difference with these secrets, is it is less likely to end up with someone getting hurt. We can create the same kind of feeling that I got from the toxic relationship, by focusing on good healthy things. Surprising someone you love does this. Let me explain.

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Putting the Theory to Practice

After the toxic relationship was over, I spent time alone. When I did date again months later I wanted to see if I could recreate that very romantic very wild very exciting life again. Well the man that I was with had no idea. I decided to take him camping something we both love to do. Be out in nature and soak in the energy from being disconnected from everyone. I didn’t tell him what we were doing, I just told him to pack a bag for a couple of nights and to make sure that he had something warm to sleep in. When I pulled up to pick him up he lit up like a kid. Which in turn lit me up, that excitement that I was chasing was right there. That same feeling of this was going to be amazing carried us through the weekend and even during the next week and months after we talk about that one weekend being just one of our favorite memories we share. No we didn’t work out and the relationship recently fell completely apart. But I know why, because there was no secrets to share. So you see it does work for good. You just have to decide who you want to be. A Superhero or a Villain.

From now on, though, I know what I need and want out of a relationship. I want that feeling. The feeling of the secret of knowing what’s in the box before it is opened on Christmas morning. I want to learn how to create that same kind of power from a good secret that I got from what eventually was a toxic one. The answer was simple it all came down to mindset. When that toxic relationship started the secret was powerful, but in the end the secret became crushing and hurt. But if my mindset was the same in a healthy relationship, I could indeed harness that same ego boosting feeling. It’s all about the perspective that we have. What I believed was good was toxic and what I felt had become boring and dull just needed a secret to make it feel exciting again. That is the power of a secret. It is up to you to decide how to create that power and mindset.

-Dee

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