The Journey of a Lioness

The Saga: What if it were a “Hallmark” movie?

I can’t believe it is that month already. It seems that even though the anniversary of Ed’s death is weeks away, my heart already feels really heavy. My best friends are helping with that as much as they can. Jo is even coming for a visit even though he lives 11 hours away. I look forward to that weekend. Yet it also feels like it is months away. Then there is Dave who is hyper aware of where I am and has came over to visit as much as he can. We are even having lunch today. I cannot wait for lunch. I know that my day will only go up from here.

The struggle is real. After six years of this loop I am so frustrated that it still happens this way. Maybe it is in my romantic mind that says everyone should have a dark month. Yet, I am tired of having a dark month. Why does it have to be a month. I know why because Ed was a huge part of my life. And he has left a huge hole in it. The ending of that story was tragic. The exact kind of movie ending that I would avoid. Or would throw the book because it didn’t seem fair to let the lead character die. Yet I know that I am in a part of my life that it is time for me to start being the leading lady.

Jo teases me about being in a “Hallmark” movie where the leading lady is torn between the old love, the new love, and the love that she dreams of. If I was watching this movie it certainly would not be a “Hallmark” movie. More like something on Netflix. Where the main character is completely in love with someone she isn’t supposed to be. Yet the audience knows that she deserves the guy that she hasn’t met yet. Yes they know him as the story switches back and forth between the two. And they know that their happy ever after is just coming up but the anticipation of them meeting is building up.

Just like in “You’ve Got Mail.” Everyone knows the guy on the other end of the computer is Tom Hanks’ character. And as they watch him watch her walk away to get ready for the date. You know it is him that she is going to meet. And as she walks up the hill around the curve in the side walk and you see her face. The relief of thank God it was him. Your heart explodes and you know that love is real in the moment. Even if it is pretend.

I really hope that is what is going on here in my story. That my ever after is just around the corner and very soon we will meet. Yet the story is a good one because the three best friends talk daily. They can’t imagine what life would be like without the other. While Dave is in love with Princess and Jo and Dee cheer him on hoping one day he will realize that we don’t have as much time as we would like to think. They take every chance that they get to remind him of that and encourage him to just tell her. That his life would change drastically.

If I Was Writing the Script

Dave

Maybe Dave is just waiting because he still has Dee. And as much as she is supportive to him and Princess, he knows and can feel how Dee feels about him. He doesn’t want to let that go either because having someone love you, that is worth something and losing that is something one should not do. Yet they both know one day they will lose the special relationship they have. Why? Because he knows he can’t be the man she needs and really wants.

Dave loves her. He has watched her grow into this incredible woman. Who is happy and kind and amazing. Really a dream woman. Independent and strong, he knows when she falls it’s because she chooses to, not because she has to. He hates that it can’t be him but he knows himself. He would just hurt her, and she has been hurt enough. He just wants to see her happy.

Dave would do anything for that to happen, he knows it will one day. Yet he also wants to be selfish just a bit longer because his life is better with her in it. Even though he loves Princess and has for a while, having Dee means that he has this security that he hasn’t had in a while. Sure he could have that with Princess, but there are strings with Princess. Dee lets him be his wild self and loves him for that. Dee also does something that Princess doesn’t. She lets him hold her. She feels amazing in his arms and he hasn’t slept that well in years. He loves her but he just can’t be what she wants.

Dee

Dee knows down deep that while she loves Dave very much. He is right, he can’t be the man she needs or really wants. Yes, he would protect her with all he had, but he can’t be the rest. He doesn’t know how. He only knows how to be him. A guy that never takes anything seriously, he is going to make the inappropriate joke at the wrong time. Or at the right time for him but it would hurt her. Again, something he isn’t willing to do. So like Dave, Dee understands that while they love each other, they cannot and would not work. While this is a small scar on Dee’s heart, it is one that she willingly takes because he is worth loving. Even if she has to love him from very far away.

Jo

Jo, Jo loves Dee and has no problem telling her that. He is like Dave in knowing that he loves her but he isn’t the man for her. He can’t be the man she wants, not because she is asking for too much. But because he is not in a place to want a relationship. Even with someone as good as she is. He is on the path to where she is and while he will get there one day, it is not anytime soon. He knows that the clock with Dee is ticking. She wants love, she wants to find the love of her life, and he just wants freedom and space to heal himself.

Jo needs to do the healing and he knows that. He also knows how much Dee loves Dave. She talks about him often and while he isn’t sure he does suspect that she has given more than just her heart to Dave. Jo isn’t jealous of this, well not completely. He knows he could treat her as she needs to be. Yet he just can’t bring himself to commit to anyone or anything. He knows that she is the type of woman he needs and wants. Just like Dave he knows she is a damn good woman. Yet he needs to know is there chemistry there? Can he prove to her that he can be the man she needs? Of course he can the only problem is his heart is just not in it and he is tired of getting heartbroken. Is Dee amazing, of course she is, but he has thought that before about a woman and got hurt. It’s time he just focuses on himself.

Jo doesn’t have the kind of experience of Dee that Dave has. He also hasn’t been in Dee’s life like Dave has been. He also fears that if Chad had half a mind he could have Dee in a heartbeat. There is a stab of pain in Jo’s heart as she talks about wanting Chad. How she would sleep with him in a heartbeat if given half a chance. Jo has no idea how Chad has been able to not do that. But his suspicion is that Chad knows he can he is just waiting for the right moment.

Jo knows one day Chad’s head will clear and Dee could quite possibly get exactly what she wants. Jo doesn’t know Chad and he has a feeling that neither does Dee at least not as well as she wants to believe. He fears she will just get her heart broken again. He would be there in nine days, he hopes that is soon enough.

Dee

Dee loves Jo. He is the first person she wants to talk to every single day. Because Jo gets Dee. The conversations between them are deep and challenging. Dee feels like she can ask Jo anything and she knows he is going to give her an honest answer. She can’t wait to see Jo and gets to hug him. Since Jo reentered her life, things have just fallen into place. Talking to him for hours each night makes her believe that one day she will truly find the man of her dreams. That is if she really wants that. There are times when Jo makes her question everything.

Does she really want love? Can she afford another large scar on her heart like the one Ed left? She doesn’t really know that she can. Which means that she may find love again but is she willing to go through this kind of pain once again.

Chad

Chad has no idea what he wants except one thing Dee. She has haunted his dreams for a while now. She was the first thing that came to his mind when he moved out of Sherrie’s. She was the first call he made when he finally got all his stuff moved into his new place. He needed what she provided. Kindness and compassion. She listened as he talked about the end of his relationship and didn’t judge him for all the anger he held. She just let him talk.

What kind of woman does that? The good kind. She does, and she does it without offering advice. Since he has known her, she has been supportive. Telling him he is a good dad. No one really has done that and meant it. He feels like she does. Yet, Dee has withdrawn, and while he knows she wants a chance he doesn’t know that he can give that, not because of who she is, but because he is tired of getting hurt. So he keeps her at a distance too. Yet he can’t help but think about her.

The way she encourages him to go out and find who he is. How she encourages him to just be alone. Which makes him want to be near her even more. She never criticizes him. The only time she got angry with him was when he showed up at her house wanting her. Wanting to kiss her again, he had thought about the one kiss they had shared it was full of passion. The chemistry they shared was clearly there. He wanted to feel that again. But he was still with Sherrie then and it was wrong. So Dee called him out on it. Angry that he would put her in that position. She walked away that night so strong telling him to figure it out. She wasn’t going to be the other woman for him. She knew that just caused hurt, and she was not playing that game. He clearly remembers her walking away. He never wanted anyone more than he wanted her at that moment.

He remembered climbing into his SUV angry at himself for such a jerk move. Of course she wouldn’t do that. If he wanted her, he was going to have to work a lot harder than that. She had changed since he first met her. She was bolder, more confident. Even more attractive. She stood up to him. He texted her right away apologizing for it. He wasn’t sorry for kissing her for wanting her. But he was sorry for putting her in that position.

Now he wanted her or thought he did. Yet he is afraid of being hurt. Maybe she scared him he didn’t know but he liked when she texted him and as much as he didn’t want to think about her he did. She haunted his dreams. He could close his eyes and feel what it was like to hold her close, if he really tried he could almost remember how she smelled. He needed to clear his head, he needed to heal from Sherrie. He knew Dee wanted him she even asked him for a chance. She actually said she wanted a “shot.” He was going to give it to her, he just didn’t know when. What he doesn’t know is it may be too late.

Dee

Dee thought about Chad more than she wanted to admit. When he showed up one day with Sherrie she was happy for him. All she wanted was for her friends to be happy. Yes she was very attracted to him. The night of their first kiss haunted her as much as it did him. The chemistry was there for her too, but something bothered her. She knew love was more than chemistry. The crazy thing was no matter how hard she tried, true connection with him seems like a lot of work. She tried to text and start conversations but she just didn’t know how. It wasn’t easy. Yet she didn’t want to miss out on him. She was so curious about him. Who he was. She saw the kind of father he was. A damn good one. She couldn’t believe that he kept picking the wrong women. Yet there she was picking all the wrong guys too. Picking the emotionally unavailable men hoping she could prove that she was good enough for them.

She just wanted to see what being with Chad would be like. Going to the football games, hanging out with his crowd. Being a part of a large group of friends. Yet, not being able to connect to him proved that maybe once again they were just not in the same place. She wanted him as much as he wanted her. But she wanted more, demanded more. She was tired of pouring herself into someone who didn’t or couldn’t pour back into her. It was time to focus on herself. And that meant giving Chad all the space he needed.

She remembered the night he just showed up at her house. She was surprised to see him after not really seeing him for five years. The attraction and chemistry was certainly there. She still wanted him. There he stood with pleading eyes. He just needed to feel wanted and needed. It wasn’t long before she was in his arms kissing him. He easily picked her up and she wrapped her legs around him as they kissed. Yet the new her screamed in her head. Stop. This is not who you want to be. He was with Sherrie. Then anger hit her. She couldn’t be this.

He had to figure out what he wanted. Because she knew what she did, and it wasn’t to be the other woman. She wanted to be the person someone truly loved and wanted forever. Someone who wanted to pour into her as much as she poured into him. She wanted that shot with Chad, but she didn’t know if she would get it. All she knew was if she did, she didn’t care if it added another scar on her heart she wants that chance. She wants that chance to be called his.

So there you are. The basis of what that “Hallmark” movie would be about. Who would Dee end up with? Would her best friend finally see that she loved him better than a Princess? Would Jo be able to get her to see love was about a deep connection, and chemistry just fades? Would he be willing to take the chance and risk getting hurt again just because he was falling for someone he swore he would never fall for? Would Dee and Chad finally just throw caution to the wind and just see where it went? If you were writing the movie how would it end?

Here is a thought, what if the man that is truly meant for Dee, hasn’t even entered the scene yet? If he hasn’t what would he be like. Would he be this combination of all the men? He would walk in and she would know without a doubt that he wanted her, there would be no guessing, no waiting for a heart to recover from a heartache. He would be able to handle the widow thing easily. Helping her to heal the final bit she needed to once again have the full life she desires.

-Dee

Friendship Beyond Gender: Finding Connection

Oh my dear friends. The dark month approaches. I think I am ready for it. In the last year my life has changed drastically. I went from feeling like I had no friends at all to having some of the best friends I’ve ever had in my life. The catch is they are men not women. I know many of you are sitting there thinking really? Men? I know that many believe that men and women can’t be best friends without one or the other developing feelings. At one time I thought that too. After all I’m the girl that says she is in love with her best friend. But the truth of the matter is this. I am not in love with him. I love him but it isn’t the kind of love that I dream of. He isn’t the man that I dream of.

Dave is in fact my best friend, but so is Jo. It was reconnecting with Jo after all these years that has taught me I am not really in love with Dave. I do care and care deeply but it isn’t romantic love. My heart doesn’t pound out of my chest like it does when I’m around Chad. Yet I have stopped texting Chad, because of my friends. Not because they think it’s a bad idea but because they give me some really good perspective. Chad doesn’t think of me. He doesn’t text really ever. If I text him he does but that is something I no longer want to do. Chase someone that I am interested in. Because that just gets me no where but hurt. So I have slowed down and if Chad is supposed to be in my life then the universe will make it happen.

So I keep doing what I am. Being there for my friends. Our daily talks have help to build this self confidence that I never thought I would have. Yet our bonds only grow stronger. And yes I love them all but I’m learning to match energy with energy and not pour my everything into one person but save it for the one who will matter. Me. Life suddenly feels as if I am finally living again. I am learning how to balance life in a positive way. Doing things for myself instead of trying to find someone to fill my time with I fill it with myself. Doing the things I love and that has made me love me more or maybe just knowing myself better. This is new for me as I have spent most of my life just trying to fit in somewhere. Then the other day a friend from high school posted a picture of a group of us. Our winter guard group with one of our choreographers that we love and are still connected to even to this day. We all had the same reaction, those were some of our happiest days. It was good to see that and remember that I was a part of a group of people that loved what we did and who we were. I am getting back to that. While it’s not a dance team it is truly a team of friends who are going to support and love each other no matter what is going on in this life. While Dave and Jo have never met, they do know about each other. What I love is that Jo cheers for Dave and Princess just as much as I do. He tells me all the time, how is it you seem to have dragged me into your “Hallmark” movie. My answer is simply if you told the story to anyone else they may not see what we do. But because I tell the story from the point of view of hope, you find yourself wanting what we all know Dave wants, Princess. We all stand there and quietly hope that one day Dave gets the courage to tell her he is in love with her. All though like the rest of us, I am sure she already knows that. He doesn’t have to say it, his actions do that for him.

The new love of my life: My Podcast

My podcast is going well and I am excited each week to bring in the next episode. I truly feel like I am doing what I am passionate about. Telling stories and while it is a lot of work it is work that I love. Each episode is getting better than the next and being this creative is good for me. I think my next project is to think about future episodes and really my first episode with a guest! This is exciting for me. One step at a time. While I would love to have experts on my mind says who is the better guest? The expert who has “studied” a topic or someone who has lived it? Maybe a little of both. I am excited about the next step and I have a lot to get ready for it. One step at a time.

I do want to say thank you for all of your support and for staying connected to the blog. The podcast is about getting to where I am. But this, the blog is about where I am right now. I am writing like crazy and I have never been this happy to be doing it. The universe knows my deepest desire and I am chasing it with all my heart. As for the man of my future, I hope he is ready for a life of excitement and support and love and friends. Connection it is everything.

So what do you think? Are you drawn to a podcast that has a ton of experts on it who writes the book so to speak? Or are you drawn to personal stories from real people who lived through the hardship and made it to the other side? I would love to find that balance between the two and really combine the two. One day at a time is all I need.

-Dee

Finding Happiness: The Importance of Strong Friendships

I did it again I made a career change and it has so far been amazing. Truly bringing me excitement and pride. I am the office manager for a local lawnmower distribution facility. I love it there. It is a small company but one that has been around for a very long time. It is a family business and a good atmosphere. I have had a struggle with the girl who is leaving. As I am taking her place and then some. She was only the accounting clerk. Where I am fully running the office. They also hired a part time accountant that is extremely helpful. Not that I couldn’t do the job but it allows me to focus on HR and the other things that I have top skills in. I am happy.

The other big change, I have done it! I have now released four episodes of “Chasing Life.” https://www.podbean.com/eas/pb-zza9a-187d0a7

Once again I’m chasing dreams and not caring about if it is big or not! It has allowed me to be so creative. I have enjoyed coming up with what content I am putting out and where I want the podcast to go! I am no way near as good as I want to be but I am certainly not awful. After five weeks I almost have 100 downloads already! I know that isn’t much but for a podcast that is done by an unknown person it feels like a lot. At least someone out there is listening.

As for the rest of life, well it is going good too. The Saga continues and while nothing romantic has happened lately, I still have the guys to talk to and enjoy the short conversations I’ve had. Chad still keeps his distance and I need to let him. Why? Because I am not where I want to be. I need to be more determined to get into shape. I have good intentions but late night talks with Jo leave me exhausted and wanting to sleep until the last possible moment before getting ready for work. I know that working out would help with that. I should just walk on my treadmill while talking to Jo. I don’t know why I haven’t done that but I think I will try that tonight.

The conversations with Jo are deep and physiological and at times has helped me in the direction I want to go with the podcast. I have been pretty good the last week of saying its ten o’clock time to get off the phone. I know that he is lonely and living in a hotel in a state that he really doesn’t like must be terrible. But he has a plan and soon he will come to visit. I’m happy he is coming but I am afraid that he is making decisions based on our conversations. While nothing romantic has been said. We do tell each other we love each other, but we have always done that. He is a friend that I met years ago, when in high school. I just have a feeling that he wants more than just friendship. And at this time in my life I just don’t want that. Even if Chad were to show up and say “I want you.” I would have to say sorry not now. I would be crazy for doing that but I really like the journey I am on. I am single and I am happy. I have peace and I am just not giving that up.

Dave? You ask. Oh Dave and I talk daily. He truly is my best friend. While I have told him about Chad, we don’t talk about him much. Heck there really isn’t something to talk about. Chad as I said, is very distant. If I text he does reply, a few times he has even texted first. It took a while for him to do that. I just have to remind myself that he has just had his heart broken! He needs time and space, and I like being confident enough to give him that. Yes I check in every few days but if he doesn’t answer or takes a while in answering I just don’t think anything of it. If we are meant to be then the universe has it all under control and I don’t have to do anything. The right man for me will make his intention known and I won’t have to do a thing.

Just like Dave, I didn’t have to do anything. He just shows up. He calls he checks in. He cheers me on and I support him as well. Yet there is also understanding between us. I know he loves Princess. Do I understand the complicated love life he has? No one bit. But I don’t have to. All I have to understand is his and my friendship. It is one that will last for a very long time. We are teaching each other how to be that kind of friend. I believed that that kind of friendship could only come from another woman. I was wrong. He truly is my best friend and I love him very much. He may not tell me that, I mean he has once, but it doesn’t matter because his actions say it for him. He does care about me deeply and my happiness makes him happy. That is true friendship.

So for you out there that are looking for a best friend, and like me struggle with being friends with other women, then look around I’m going to bet that you have a guy friend that you are close to. He could possibly be the very best friend that you are looking for. I may not have women in my circle, that is okay. Because the men that are in my circle are strong, emotionally intelligent, and funny. I always know where I stand with them, I don’t have to worry about judgment, about gossip, or about having to impress them. I am simply myself. A supportive friend that yes tells them when they are being an asshole. I love them all very much and I thank God for putting them into my life.

I’m am happy. More importantly I am single and happy. And after almost six years of deep grief and sorrow and so many trials, I have finally found who I am, where I’m going, and what I am passionate about. And I am surrounded by people who I love. As my son says, life is hard but I am so glad I am here to live it.

-Dee

Navigating Life After Heartbreak: A Journey with Jo

Introducing a New Character to the Saga……

I would like to introduce you, all whom have been keeping up on the Saga, to the newest character to come into my life. I will call him Jo. Jo is someone that I worked with many years ago. If you have consistently read my blog I have mentioned him maybe one other time. He was part of the group of guys who saved my life once after a terrible breakup. This man has had his own share of heartbreak and loss. I won’t go into detail because you all know that I try to protect the identity of my close friends. Just know his loss was a terrible and tragic one.

Jo is the kind of guy that just comes and goes out of your life. He is a gypsy and moves around a lot. Chasing happiness. For a long while he disappeared from my life. But suddenly he just showed back up. With the same kind of love and support that he always gives. With his signature sign off of “always light and love.” He really does mean that. Jo is the kind of man that has this higher understanding of what emotional intelligence is and loves to talk about connecting to the universe. We started texting about a week ago and finally I had to say. “Can I please just call you because this will take forever to type out!”

“Of course you can!” was his response. Then we proceed to talk for six hours. In the past week we have clocked over thirteen hours on the phone. Just talking about finding ourselves again. He having just gone through a break up much like “Chad” has. We talk…..okay he talks about the breakup and a little about where it went wrong. I know we will eventually get to the heavy stuff but now it stays light. According to him he says that it wouldn’t be fair to add his stuff to my plate. I have heard that many times. I use to say things like “my plate is not full!” The truth to that is, it is full. Full with my own heartaches and while I’m working on healing, it takes time. Its not that I can’t listen and encourage and just be there for him like I was for “Chad”. I can, what I can’t do is get emotionally or romantically attached. Remember, I’m working on transforming my attachment style. No causing more anxiety by adding to the list of people I feel like I need to hear from daily. That would be counter intuitive.

Our Talks are deep…..

“I think I have a gift.” I explain to him. “For some reason I am the sound board for not just you but also for others. In the last few months it has been at least two others. Now don’t get me wrong, neither one of those guys has any kind of romantic feelings for me. But I am a safe place for them. I am the woman that sits there in the pain of loss with them. Yet because I have felt deep loss, their loss doesn’t affect me. I can sit there and listen to the hurt and heartache and just let it wash over me. Let it flood out of them and there I am to guide it to the universe and ask the questions they may not want to ask themselves.” If you are reading the Saga, you know I am talking about Chad and Dave. I am there to just listen and not judge. Then of course to make them feel better. I don’t know how I do it. But if I could explain it, it would be like an exchange of energy. No I am not talking about sex. I am talking about this crazy feeling I have after such a talk. Like pure exhaustion. And many times I have been told “God it has been so nice to finally talk to someone about real things. I haven’t talked this long in a long time.” It is a sentence that I have heard from all of them. What is that? I think it is a gift to just sit and listen to someone who has not had the chance to talk for a long while.

What I don’t do…..I don’t jump on to the wagon of talking down about the woman who just broke their hearts…..that is not where my gift lies. My gift is trying to just listen, and asking the one question that I don’t think that they get asked very often. “How did that make you feel?” At first I always get the same answer. “I don’t know really.” Yet, eventually they get there, they get to the gut of the hurt. Most of the time it is “I guess mostly I felt lonely and really want a deep connection.” I’m telling you ladies, your man does want to connect on that deep level that you are so wanting from them. All it takes is finding the right timing. Once you nail that, he is an opened book. Sure it may take sometime to get there, but if you are patience one day he will open up. Just like you he just needs to feel safe to do so.

Where is it all going?

I asked this last night as I talked with Jo on the phone. In the end I think I am in this space of limbo as the Universe waits for me to make what I feel like is the ultimate decision. Alone? Or with someone. Then Jo gives me the answer. “Maybe you just need to find someone who wants to do that with you.” You see I want to travel and go and just do. Have that ultimate freedom of not having to answer to anyone. Having the ability not to have to take care of someone else. But truly just be. I have had that for a little over a year. I know myself. If I get involved with someone all my energy will go into taking care of them. I will immediately go into the sacrifice mode that I have defaulted to because it is my normal mode.

Yet, I don’t want to be in that mode. Right now I have been in the mode of taking care of myself. Doing things for me. That has been nice. So you see the conflict? I have enjoyed taking care of me. Working out, nightly skin care routine and meditation. I can honestly say I truly feel like I am finally taking care of that little girl that has been neglected. She is finally coming first and really the truth is that one thing is why I feel like I’m vibrating at such a higher level. That is why I question is it really time to be with someone?

Then Jo says something that stops me in my tracks. Why does it have to be one other the other? What if you found someone who would allow you to do all the things you do and expect nothing less? I didn’t answer, but I didn’t have to because he knew the answer. “Because that is not how you work is it? You are afraid that you will go right back to being the old Dee. The married Dee who makes all the sacrifices.” My quiet answer, “Yes.” I have worked so hard at getting to this new Dee. To the Dee that I absolutely love. I won’t give her up. And that my friends is why as much as I want the universe to bring me the man, I do not think that will happen anytime soon. I have to learn how to be the new Dee and find balance.

In the mean time, I am happy as I am. I love talking to my guy friends and hearing from them daily. No pressure to have any kind of romance and that gives me that freedom that right now is so good for my soul. I no longer worry about getting remarried or even getting into a relationship. No my only worry is making sure this version of Dee keeps growing. Because she is powerful.

-Dee

Love, Life, and New Beginnings: A Personal Story

Manifestation works…..I believe it does…..why because my life is changing a lot. I am leaving a very good job. For one that is completely different. I’m excited and I believe it will be a good thing. The really fun part has been not telling anyone where it is I am going. While I love where I work there are just somethings that I want to do and where I am I will never get to. The problem with working for someone who thinks they know all of your capabilities, and who doesn’t take the time to ask what you have been learning and then puts that to use. So I am taking a huge risk and moving to a company that I can’t wait to work for. Yet to protect myself from some retaliation, and yes that would happen for reasons I won’t go into just now. Maybe later but know it would happen. So to protect myself I wrote it into my contract that I had two stipulations to my acceptance of the position. Those being that at no time could the terms of my offer be revealed to anyone who currently or in the future works for or is associated with my current employer. The second is that the announcement that I have accepted the position publicly could not be made until after my first day of work. I explained that the only information that will be afforded to my current employer would be that I have had an offer made that they cannot match nor can I let the opportunity simply pass by.

Extreme? Maybe but it has also granted me this amazing feeling of power. It clearly states that I do not want a counter offer from my current employer. I did give a two week notice and I have worked hard the past week and a half. The first week writing a training manual and the second training the new girl. This second week I have hardly worked but let her come in and fully just dive in. This is costing them an arm and a leg as she makes almost what I do. How funny. She is brilliant and should do well here. As long as she doesn’t crumble under the work load. Right now I am caught up and I am doing great. That helps her, when the company does a large hire she will feel the pressure that starts with this job. It is a good job and I think she will fit here nicely!

My new position? Let’s just say I think i am going to get a lot of writing done. Not only here on my blog, but also episodes for my podcast and finally for my book. I am so looking forward to the future. Will it be different? Yes, but more importantly it will be me chasing dreams. That is all that matters here in the “Year of Dee”.

The Year of Dee

Back in the new year when things were so up in the air for me. When I realized that I was in love with my best friend. Dave is still just as amazing as ever. When I told him I was leaving he was so happy for me. He really wanted me to just walk out and say see ya! But that is not who I am. He keeps me laughing. Then one night the day after I put my notice in I had a thought strike me. I had realized that I had just purchased tires for my son’s truck from the current company and put them on a payment plan. They were going to expect that to be paid in full when I leave. Talk about having a panic attack! It would take my whole check to pay for those. Dave asks me how much? I tell him, and his reply is simply I will see you tomorrow.

Now before you all swoon, because yes that is a moment to swoon! You should know that I have helped Dave a lot, and sometimes often. Enough to know that if he were to pay me back it would cover what the tires are. I help Dave because I always had the faith that he would indeed pay it back. He did exactly that in a spectacular way. By showing up the very next day at my work with the cash in hand and more than happy to pay them off. I loved him so much for the text that I got as he left my work. He says “Man I should have kissed the hell out of you. You know those girls were watching out the windows when you came out here! That would have given them a LOT to talk about!” I actually laughed out loud.

Here lately I feel like for the first time in my life I am finally the star of the show! I am doing what I need to for me. I am no longer waiting on someone to give me approval for anything. In fact if you all are following the “Saga” of me being in love with my best friend then you are going to love this.

The other night I was struggling. I will be periodically from now until the end of May. Why? Well May is when not only Ed but his mom both passed. With in the same week. It gets a little dark for me, and I withdraw. So the other night I was struggling. I just needed to feel loved. So I sent a text to Dave. “I love you. I know you don’t really want me to say that to you. But tonight, I just needed to tell someone that I loved them and know it matters.” To which he replies “I love you too.” Then after a few minutes he also says, “You know I have never told Princess that.” I was stunned. “Not once?” was my reply. “Not once in 15 years?” his reply. “No.”

This just flabbergasted me. I thought about it for a bit then ask, and no I couldn’t stop myself I had to ask. “Have you not because you are afraid that she will say it back and mean it? Or are you afraid she will just not say anything?” Just so you know he didn’t answer back at all. Maybe he is still thinking about it. Yet here I am saying it without a care. Here is a question for all of you to jump in on. Lets get what you think in on here and see if you have a perspective that I don’t. Here is the question: What if Dave was raised in a family that never says I love you. I was raised in a family that said it all the time. I grew up knowing I was loved. My children grew up in a family that know they are loved, and they heard their parents say I love you to each other often. But what if Dave didn’t. What if he hasn’t said it because it is not something he has actually ever said? To anyone! Now as you know he has said it to me twice. But I also know that it was said out of a best friend’s love. Not out of the romantic love. But what if, now just hear me out, what if I have came into his life to teach him how to freely say I love you? I mean look at all he has done for me!

Dave has taught me to see my own worth, to chase dreams, was truly the first person to give me permission to miss my husband, and to freely still love him even though he is gone. Because of Dave the bar of the kind of man I want to date has been risen and boundaries set in my expectations of how a man treats me. All because of Dave. What if that circle is complete when he gets use to hearing and saying I love you? So that he could finally say it to Princess. So that maybe just once Dave can finally have the love of his life. Wouldn’t that be how the Hall Mark move would end? Where he could finally tell the love of his life that he loved her. The end credits would be rolling over the wedding of the two. With his best friend standing by his side truly happy for him and her?

Tell me what do you think? This life is always changing and yet I have found a way to be happy.

Want to know more? Keep watching why? Because you may have forgotten that the man that I’ve had the biggest crush on is now single and texting me! Also what I haven’t yet gone into details about an old best guy friend has now reconnected and in the last two days we have talked for a total of nine hours!!! Yup life here is always changing and new characters are always being introduced. I hope you let me know what you think. I hope that in some weird way I’m right. I am always cheering for my friends and Dave deserves the love of his life. Just like I do.

-Dee

It’s a Beautiful Messy Life

The Saga Continues…….

I have realized that the more I share the wild crazy stories that actually happen to me, the more people actually read my blog. I guess the struggle of finding true love and the fact that I am secretly in love with my best friend is very entertaining. Or maybe just real. My life is far from perfect. It is a mess and you know what? I love it. I love my messy crazy life. Because all this time I’m trying to feel like I’m living. That solution was simple, make friends, go out, take risks, these things are what help make me feel alive. No I’m not talking about romantic but real friendships.

While most of my current friendships are all men, you have to remember that I am more comfortable being “one of the guys” than I am being one of the princesses. And let me tell you men have taught me so damn much. Women want to talk about their health, what men are not doing for them, their emotional needs not being met, how tired they are. Men talk about funny stuff, they laugh and joke with each other and they just don’t take life so serious. They have to be serious at work they just want to relax and be happy when they are not at work. And I happen to agree with them I don’t want to be serious, I want to laugh and enjoy life.

Chapter ONE

Not long ago I talked about “Chad” the guy who just broke up with his long term girl friend. Well it must be something about this year because he isn’t the only one of many that I have learned of. All long term and all I truly thought well he is off the market for good when they got together. I was wrong. I never want to support the breakup of a long term relationship as I know how hard it is to even get in one.

But if I’m going to tell this tale then I have to start at the beginning. Because “Chad” is someone special and I hardly know him, but I do know something. If God said I could have a chance with him but I had to be patience and not push. I will work on that patience like it is a full time job. He to me is worth that wait. The old me says “But what if he never gives you a shot!” The new me says “If it is meant for me he will come to me.” Even if it is not him the right man will indeed come into my life without me doing anything. In the mean time being friends with someone has taught me that you are always going to learn something from someone as long as you are open to learn.

I met “Chad” about nine months after Ed passed away. A friend and I as you know went to Vegas all those years ago. (It seems like just yesterday.) We both got jobs bar tending to make extra so that we could pay for the plane tickets. That is where I met “Chad” he was this breath of excitement and air for me. He was heading to a concert and I decided that I was going to go too. So I bought a ticket and went. It was an amazing concert and while my seat was no where near his I ended the night standing right next to him. Which I have to say really ticked some very pretty very young women off. As they were enjoying hitting on him and his buddy.

Then I show up and squeeze between the two and suddenly they are not paying attention to the young women at all. There we are our arms around each other singing at the top of our lungs and those moments were the first time I got of glimpse of happiness after Ed passed. I have never had so much damn fun at a concert. Yes Bon-Jovi was amazing. But Fun? Fun was this concert with these two long time friends. It brought me back to my youth so fast and I didn’t even realize it at the time. Why because I grew up “little sister” to a lot of guys. Not quite the girl to date but the girl who was gonna hang out and be cool about it. That was exactly the way I met Ed. There I was again just the “little sister” no expectations but being in the moment. Living.

Oh my dear friends when the thing you want hits you in the face and you didn’t see it! I bet my guardian angle was like “God please help me she is not paying attention!” God was like “sorry dude she thinks she likes this young guy, looks like we are going the long way around.” Who knows!

Back to the story…lol sorry. As he and I talked and shared music and our lives suddenly I was keeping score for his co-ed softball team. Again I didn’t see it. Even after the following happened. One time I sat frozen in my lawn chair at yet another softball game. Because I had sent him a song that no one really knew, I had certainly never heard it before. But I instantly connected to it. There it was playing on his phone. Oh how I couldn’t move I asked myself could it mean anything? I searched for his face but I never found it until the song was long over. A missed chance? Maybe, later that night I got a text from the young guy and I walked away. I suck and I know it people. Probably the biggest mistake I made….but the truth is this. I am a very different woman now than I was then, and some how I think I am a much better woman. Which means the long way around is what had to happen.

Maybe just maybe we both had journeys to take. Him to find then lose something, and me to find myself too.

My favorite memory of him was one night I lied to him so that he would give me a ride home from the bar. “I’ve had too much to drink will you give me a ride home?” I climbed onto the back of his motorcycle and he took me for a ride. Something I had been teasing him about for weeks. On one side of us a beautiful starry night and the other side, a summer storm off in the distance. Lightening and the smell of rain on the touch of a breeze. I wrapped my arms around him and tried to absorbed it all in. Then he dropped me off and kissed me. It felt so good to be kissed like that, but it also scared the hell out of me. And I walked away. We have established that I am an idiot right? Look I am not saying this guy is the “one” what I am saying is just maybe if I would have some patience and not try to rush anything then maybe both of us wouldn’t have had to go through such traumatic relationships.

Chapter Two?

Not this time people. This time I have something that few people have. I have a superpower. Happiness. I know that my happiness is not in a person. It is in me. It is even in a very specific spot. Out by the fire pit that my kids and I built. Laying on my little outdoor furniture couch soaking in the sun with a fire going. Day or night, there that very spot with nothing more than music and peace. There is where I am happy. It is so set within my soul that I can close my eyes and feel the sun shinning on my face and my skin. I can feel the warmth of the fire warming up my feet. It is the perfect place in my mind. It took me months to know to look for it and even more months to find it.

That is the journey that “Chad” is on now. Getting back to or finally finding the place where he is happy. Not happy with someone but happy from within. That is why we are attracted to people. They seem to have something we want. The true attraction I believe is finding someone who is happy within. And wanting that and even if we don’t have it just being close to it we seem to think that we will find it. The truth is we all have to take this journey, sometimes multiple times in our lives. But I am telling you, after walking this journey for six years and finally finding it. Every single step, every let down, heartbreak, and tear was worth it. Because now it is my eyes that sparkle when I’m laughing and having fun. Now I am the fresh air of laughter and fun that he could quite possibly need.

So the story continues and instead of trying to rush to the end. I am enjoying the beginning again. The flirting on the phone the kidding around knowing somewhere in the back of our minds we are not kidding we just have to find the place of trust. I can be what Dave has taught me to be. Consistent. There when I’m needed without asking for anything in return. I have learned how to be a friend. To listen and support and mostly not push anything. If you think this sounds crazy? Four years Dave has done that. One night when things got too intense we both gave in and an amazing night happened. I would never trade that night for anything. No we are not some long term lovers, but we are two people who do love each other.

Do you see it people? I have gone from being the side kick character in the story to the main character in my life. Welcome to living. I have found it.

-Dee

Just Be There……

Everyone has bad days. Where things just didn’t go as we thought it should. I grew up wanting to be one of those people who just went on the fly. No plans no agenda, just free. I am not that kind of person. I like to have a good idea on how my day is going to go, and when it doesn’t go that way, I tend to react just like everyone else. As much as I hate to admit it, I too get in a mood when things don’t go as planned. What I have learned is that sometimes even plan B and C need to be scratched. I would like to think that I go from irritated to problem solving mode. I’m not sure that I do that. I often wonder how people who are always in a situation where they are forced to make decisions in just mere minuets. Emergency Doctors, Military leaders these people make life and death decisions every day. What about you? What is your reaction when things don’t go as planned?

I have also learned recently that always being there for someone is really important. I always wanted that in my life. What I have learned is most people trade energy for energy. If you are there for them then they will show up for you. Having that person you can count on, that is so reassuring. The catch is knowing when it’s okay to be there and when someone needs space. I can give space. It is not always easy for me as I have this terrible habit of wanting to fix things for people that I love. You can’t always fix somethings. Thus, I have had to learn to step back and give them space. Their feelings are their own and sometimes space is what someone needs. They have to go through an uncomfortable time so that they can grow. It doesn’t seem fair. After all if you can save someone shouldn’t you? Then my best friend said something that made perfect sense. We are not meant to be superhero’s. We are meant to love and sometimes that love means we let go and we let someone we love fail. As we learn more from failure. No one likes to fail, but one should once in a while so that we learn what we are suppose to.

My best friend is in the middle of some bad days. While I am not sure of everything going on, I think I could help. Yet he has not asked for help and I dare not ask him about it. I will just give him space to figure out what he needs to do. I have made the offer to help but you can’t force someone. All I can do is be there should he need me. It’s what happens when you are determined to be there for someone.

If I have learned anything from losing Ed it is what a real friend is. Most importantly how to be that best friend and be supportive to people who share your energy. I use to think I was a good friend and had good friends, no what I did was people pleasing. I dropped everything for people whom I believed was my friends. Yet when I needed them they didn’t even answer the phone. That is not friendship. It is convenience for them. Only if they have time for me or if they are left with no one else and they don’t want to be alone. At one time I was so sure that was what friendship was. It isn’t. What I have learned is that is a narcissistic person looking for someone to feed their ego and someone like me is going to do that. Because I’m that supportive friend. I am no longer that friend. Because I choose not to be. If I can’t be honest with someone and tell them what I really think or how I feel then I’m not being a friend. And I now see how much I have grown as a person.

My best friend tells me all the time how much I have changed since we met. At first I couldn’t see it. I can now. I feel it. The higher vibration. The self confidence and knowing what boundaries I have that is what has changed and I love knowing who I am and what I stand for. I am someone’s best friend. That is everything.

-Dee

Learning to Love Myself: A Personal Reflection

I don’t even know where to start this but it feels like the saga continues. Last night I had a friend reach out to me upset because he and his long term girlfriend broke up. My heart went out to him. I had talked to him a while back ago and knew things had been going pretty rough. It’s crazy because for some reason when he showed up at my house that night his feelings were all over the place. He just wanted someone to connect to. At that time I had just broken up with Mat and I was in a dark place. But I had made up my mind then that I needed a year alone. It actually felt like the universe was testing me. You set a goal, here is a temptation, will you take the bait. I didn’t. I couldn’t be the woman he was looking for. Now, I have surpassed the woman he even knew I could become. I have become this woman who is so self assured. I know now what is important to me and I know how to get what I want.

The biggest thing that has changed about me is the fact I am beginning to see my own worth and I know that I don’t need anyone’s permission to live or to love. All my life I had dreamed of freedom and I am so close to that freedom. I refuse to go back. I have learned that a relationship should not be built on how well I can serve someone but how can I build a relationship that feels like a team. What happens then is the change of my mindset when I meet someone new or when I talk to someone new. It has gone from saying, I know how to be a supportive partner. To I understand what you are saying and I’m sorry you have not found that person yet. You see what the change was there?

The change went from telling myself that I could be what they need or want if they would just choose me. To thinking, I understand you know what your needs are, but I am not willing to jump into that role unless I feel like I have been chosen first. So now I can offer friendship. Does that scare me a bit you bet your little bottom it does. Why because what if I say just friends and then someone I could really connect with walks away because he is looking for something more. In the end what I have learned is if they are really interested then a man will make it quite clear he wants more than just friendship. So I have to set myself up for that. And wait for the one who is clearly looking for what I am.

This may not be the best plan but it is the one I have. It seems the best one for me and protecting my heart. The mindset of not every guy is the “guy” and in the end it’s less pressure. Like I don’t have to like what they do, I don’t have to talk to them and I certainly don’t have to answer any text or message unless I want to. Finding that freedom that at some of my darkest married moments I envisioned. Why would I give that up to just anyone? No I don’t think I will.

I sat up most of the night talking to this guy I’ll call him Chad. Chad talked about the last year of his relationship. Where it all seemed to start going down hill. He talked about the moment when he knew it wasn’t going to last. He talked about some very private things. Things that he brought up that actually slapped me in the face and woke me up. Things that happened to him that I am ashamed that I did to Mat. At first I hated myself but then I also realized while the thing is similar, it is two different situations. Let me explain and use myself and Mat as the example so that I can protect “Chad” as I do not want to reveal “Chad’s” personal life. My own example should be enough for you to get my point.

When Mat and I were together and he was sober he would always ask, do you need some money to help pay for bills. At first I would say yes two hundred dollars or so. He would say okay then when he would get paid he would “forget” about the conversation. Or he would have an excuse for not having that much this pay check. So eventually I just started saying no. It put a lot of stress on me to pay all the bills with little to no help at all. Yet each time he would ask I would say nope I’m good. Even if it was a lie, why? Because his reaction of when I did say yes and when he couldn’t provide what I needed I would become angry. I would call my sisters and complain and they would tell me “make him.” I didn’t. I truly felt like it was my home, my bills my responsibility.

It became one of the reasons that I ended it. That is my side of the story…now let me tell you what that looks like from a man’s point of view. Someone who is kind of like Mat but not. Let me try to tell it as best as I can from “Chad’s” and maybe even Mat’s perspective. While I didn’t come out and say they are my bills because it’s my home, it was something I did say to my sisters when we talked about the issues I was having. When I started saying no I don’t need anything and stopped asking. I wonder if he began to feel like he was a guest instead of feeling at home. Yet there is a difference between Mat and “Chad”. Because Mat’s response was kept mostly in secret, “Chad’s” girlfriend would talk about it in front of all his friends. She would brag about not needing him. When “Chad” told me this I was divested for him. I can’t imagine how embarrassing that had to have been. What a way to emasculate him. I couldn’t imagine what that would feel like. Then I felt awful because I wonder how Mat felt. Did he feel the same way? If he did why didn’t he feel like he could tell me that?

A part of me thinks well he really didn’t want to help, because he only asked every once in a while. And the look of relief on his face when I said no was so obvious. It is hard to imagine that it is the same as “Chad” and his girlfriend. But I could totally be wrong and that is exactly what it did. If that is the case I truly feel sorry for doing that.

One conversation with someone I used to know has truly opened my eyes on some amazing things. I am so grateful for that conversation. I haven’t really heard from him since, but that doesn’t matter because I’ve learned something and that is always a good thing.

Every day I’m growing and I am happy.

-Dee

Lesson Learned……

If there was an award given for the worst choices made in love, I am pretty sure that I would win that. No I have only been married once, but as my followers know he has passed. Since then I have fallen for the young guy, the addict, the bad boy, I’ve been cat fished, and fallen for my best friend. If I had a batting average I would be batting 1000. And while I’ve hit a few triples, never a home run. Never finding that person who would love me the same. Not the same as my husband, but how I love. Or how I feel I need to be loved.

Of course I understand that every single person loves differently and no one will love the way I do. Yet I have yet to find someone who is willing to show he wants me. Who has the ability to love and not use. So I am waving the white flag. I give up. There is no one for me. I am just done. I knew last week that I was done. When I felt so happy and good with life when a very odd text came to my phone. From someone I use to know. We go on this amazing date. Once again though it is not what I wanted. I drove to pick him up, I paid for the dinner, I made the plans and then after getting swept up in all the feelings. I learned the truth. Yet again a man with no job, no car, no potential, just a house of four kids and nothing to offer. I am angry at myself and also proud of myself.

I’m angry because I let someone push me into something without saying stop. I let someone get me swept up in their emotions. All the while my inner self is screaming “STOP! You can’t love me! You don’t know me.” Then when I did say those things out loud he refused to listen. I waited days to finally say, “No” no you can’t love me the way you claim you do. And I don’t love you because I don’t know you. And I certainly can’t be who and what you want me to be. So I broke it off. I said no more, and while I want to say I broke someone’s heart the truth is you can’t be with someone for four days and be so deeply in love that you are thinking straight enough to make a life long commitment. I’ve learned love is different. It isn’t that butterfly feeling, it is deeper. It is having respect for someone as a person. It is learning how to be there for them come hell or high water. That is love. That is dedication and it is what I want to have with someone.

The weekend spent with him was awful it brought back trauma from when I was a child. The fear of a man who loses his temper with little provocation. Yet the new Dee showed up. That is what I am so proud of, as I heard from my head all weekend, this will not work. My heart for once didn’t win the battle between what feels good and what is real. My head did. My head said I have broken that curse it ended with me and I will not let that into my home. The walking on eggshells the yelling and crushing of the spirit because it is different. No I will not allow that in my life. My head won, my heart while so sad and crushed because he was a beautiful man, did not. I am paying the price for that now, the ache the sorrow and belief that there just isn’t someone for me anymore. Which hits so hard, but my heart isn’t broken, just bruised by the knowledge that I’m giving up. I’m truly just done.

It is crazy a week ago, I was so happy. I was happy alone and smiled all the time. But the truth is I’ve known it all along. I am in love with my best friend and he will never feel the same way about me. I have to not just lose my best friend I have to truly walk away from it all. Lose it all again so that if the real thing ever truly happens I will be opened and ready for it. I will spend a few days in bed reading finding ways to connect to others. And learning to let go of the hope of someone.

Bullsh#%…..this is not right…..

He is my best friend. He is the reason I smile every damn day. I am not giving up until he tells me he is marring someone else. I have worked and waited all my life to have a best friend like him. Not just a lover but a love that goes deeper than the surface. To get to be the person who always answers, who drops everything and says I’ve got you. That is what I do for him and what he does for me. You can love your friends right? We have both said it. “Love ya.” And meant it. I’m not giving that up. I may give up on finding love the romantic kind, but I refuse to give up on having someone who gives a damn. That is me and Dave and I know many people will never understand it. They won’t because they don’t know Dave like I know him. They don’t know the person behind the mask that he puts out there. I know him, I will not be just another person who walked away from what he offers. Joy. He is the very thing he said he wanted to be for me. My joy. The one thing I feel like I’m actually winning.

Others may get jealous, some may even get hurt. But I refuse to give up the best thing that has happened to me since Ed passed. Life is full of ups and downs with my best friend we have been through both together and alone, but I’m not letting him go. You don’t push people away because you make a mistake, or because you are hurt. That is when you do what Dave does. You show up and make damn sure they are okay. I will hold onto that and him as long as he lets me. Being someone’s joy. I’m learning how to do and be that. He has taught me so much mostly to see the human side of this journey. He is truly an angle in disguise. And you don’t turn them away you embrace them and show them the love that we are all made of.

-Dee

Waking up happy……

Very soon six years will have passed since I’ve lost my husband. The healing that has been done in those years has been has been a very hard thing to do. I have tried relationships that I wasn’t ready for. I had relationships that I thought I could handle but realized that they were not what I wanted. I was this huge stone of a human with my mind made up on how things should be only to learn that to get where I want to be, some of that stone had to be removed. Carving myself into who I want to be has been hard work and it has taken hours to carve out the things I believed were strict truth and realized that it was only when I let go of those so called truths I was able to grow.

I am a new creation and it has not been to find its beautiful results. Yet in the end I can step back and say, I love who I am now. I used to fear being alone, and I still am not a fan of it, I am no longer afraid of it. I had to learn how to look towards the future and look forward to it. To see the unknown not as something to fear but to embrace and find hope in. It is the oddest of things to look at something so unknown and see it as hope. It goes against all we are taught. We are taught to look for the steady, the boring, the safe things so that we don’t get hurt. Yet the scars that I have now, they are from the chisel that has carved away the fear and found the hope.

No I am not where I thought I would be, I am still single yet, I don’t fear being alone. What’s more important is I have learned how to simply be happy. How to be a real friend and how to be that person someone can count on. No longer looking for the people who can help me, but who can I help? That is where I have found real happiness, being for others that I need. Even more is showing up for myself. Keeping promises I’ve made to myself, taking care of that kid that fears being left yet again. No I no longer fear being left, because I never want to hold someone captive because they fear hurting me. I would rather be with someone who wants to be with me than someone who just settles for me. I deserve more and so do they.

Don’t Wait, Go……..

Go. I’ve learned to just go. Buy the tickets go see the event I want to see. Because we only get one life and it is way to short to “wait til next time.” Go, do, dream and chase. That is what chasing life looks like. That is the very thing that I have learned. Not chasing men, or a feeling, but life. That is the one thing that lately has made me happy. Going to games with my kids and getting out of the house. Going out by myself and trying to meet people. That’s what I’m doing. It isn’t always fearless, but I do it afraid and so far, I have yet to regret anything. I’ve made friends I never thought and found joy in things that make me look forward to the future. I have grown and I have chipped away the parts of me that only revealed something so much more beautiful. The real me the soul of a woman who is kind and supportive and someone who can count on herself not waiting for the hero to show up. Because she has found the way to save herself.

Being alone is still hard and crawling into bed alone isn’t always fun. Missing someone who gathers you up in their arms telling you its all going to be okay. That is a real thing. Yet one day maybe the things I used to fear will no longer feel so scary. And crawling into those arms in a bed will be more about finding love there than finding someone who is just willing to be there. That is what I deserve. Happiness is finding something so much more deeper than a feeling of I like being around you. Its knowing that someone wants to be there. Who wants to wake up next to me and who knows without a doubt that they don’t want to wake up anywhere else. And maybe that isn’t something in the future for me but I’m going to bet that it is, I just have to waiting for it and him to show up. Each day is the day it could happen and that is the hope that I carry with me. I won’t give up.