happiness – The Journey of a Lioness

Transforming Vibration: My Journey to Connection

I am not what most people define as “normal”. I am not a TV watcher, or a social media connoisseur. I mean I have most of the popular apps. But my participation in those apps is more like a ghost standing in the background. Watching everyone else live while I just try to breathe. A friend shared a video about how our body vibrates. And the way we speak to ourselves makes a huge difference in those vibrations. I have seen and heard many videos on this topic. The more I watched the more I began to wonder. Is there truth behind all the talk? Then I realized that was all it was, talk. Hours of videos with claims on how to change your perception your place in life and even your finical situation all by simply “thinking” the right way. There are so many names for it, meditation, manifesting, gratitude focus. All seem too simple to do. Yet, there were not really answers on how to do them. Most say oh just buy this app or pay for this subscription or “master class” and you will have it all at your fingertips. My intuition screamed one thing, it is never that simple or easy and why is the person who is “teaching” the class not the one “teaching” the skill required to accomplish the “dream”. It just feels like someone selling snake oil.

My Hesitation

Snake Oil. The cunning good looking man or woman who claims just one sip will cure all your ailments. Honestly that is what those videos seem to be. Of course their life changed. They are making millions selling the solutions to everyone’s problems. Yet the logical Capricorn part of me screams “if that really was the true cure, why isn’t everyone cured already?” So please pardon me if I don’t jump on your van wagon. Don’t worry there are only hundreds more wagons coming along, but I’m not going to jump on those either….Or so I thought.

The thing about a Capricorn, is we are curious and we love to learn. And that curiosity is what could be the death or maybe the life of me. No I didn’t pay for the class, or joined the APP. But I did watch all the videos and inferred the gist of them. That gist? Move. Put action to your ideas, stop letting negative thoughts control me. Like constantly telling myself “I feel so alone.” What is the cure for being alone? Making friends.

Time to Experiment

I love sitting outside by my fire pit and reading a book or just watching the stars and listening to music. I would tell myself that “this is how I recharge for the next day.” Yet after listening to some of these “new mindset” videos, I began to question do I really feel recharged after that? I mean I had yet to feel the energy that the people in the videos were talking about. Sitting alone just increased the feeling of being lonely. Not talking to anyone all day at work then not talking all night increased that feeling of lonely. I realized it is the stair steps down to the pit of depression.

So what could I do? It was time to do some experiments. Remember I am an introvert, so just inviting people over is not in my comfort zone. So I began to look on some social media apps. I will not say which one I landed on but I ended up in a small group chat. Talking about the very thing I had been researching. Our inner vibrations our energies. We talked about what we believed and got a little into some personal details. Suddenly logging in at the end of my day has become what I look forward to! I set a time limit for myself and have done nothing but the past few days but end my day with laughter, people who encourage each other to reach goals and feeling that genuine emotion of not being lonely.

The next part of the experiment was to pay more attention to your environment. I work hard to keep my home clean and friendly feeling. This helps me wake up with joy. My home is my sanctuary and it feels safe and peaceful. So if someone just stops by, it doesn’t cause stress. It is a joy to share my home.

I also started paying attention to the outside environment. For instance, when I go into a store, does it suddenly seem like a lot of people come in after me? Now this is where a positive mindset comes in. The focusing in on being me and knowing I am a good kind person and believing that people are drawn to that. The result, I noticed it many times, I would be the only person that would be in the parking lot. I would go in and not long later I would run into six different people all who came in after me. Now I know I live in a small town and this could just be coincidence. So more experimentation is required but I did easily notice it.

The Results So Far

I am just starting this experiment, yet the last two days there is a difference in me. The first one I have noticed is a negative one. I tend to spend way more time on my phone right before I go to sleep. This has disrupted my sleep tremendously. I can fall asleep easily but staying asleep lately has been a huge challenge and I end up wide awake for at least two hours in the middle of the night death scrolling on my phone.

The solution? I am going to have to join the conversation way earlier, instead of right before I go to sleep. That way I can have that hour before sleep without the blue light. I am hoping that fixes the issue.

The next change has been in me. I can tell I vibrate differently. That feeling that those videos talked about. I believe I found it. I am making friends outside of work and outside of a “serious relationship”. I am learning to just listen, to laugh with others and in some way not take life so seriously. This has changed my vibration. I feel excited for my day and I look forward to the evenings. These people let me be who I am and that creates this excitement of what is going to be said tonight! It actually did not really come to me until the past two days that I feel different.

I finally understand what these experts were talking about “vibrating differently.” Because I feel this crazy excitement about my day. I stepped out and I got out of my comfort zone and I connected with perfect strangers. Suddenly I feel like I can do anything and taking that leap has paid off. Yes it has cost some sleep but I know the solution to that and have a plan in place. Now alone or in a group, I feel alive. So I am stepping out and starting the next journey. Time to write and time to start that podcast that I have been dreaming of. Time to leap!

-Dee

PS: Just one question. Have you ever tried something like this? Did it redefine you or did it just help bring out who you really are? I can’t wait to hear!

Sometimes It’s Just the Blues….

My daughter and I just got back from an incredible vacation. The trip was supposed to be just a quick four day weekend, but turned into a five day trip. Little did I know that I needed that fifth day. Why? Because it became a day to not rush, to be free to say, we have all the time we need. Our whole weekend was like that. No rushing around trying to arrive somewhere on time, no stress trying to keep each other entertained. Simply just enjoying ourselves. The further into the weekend we got the more I relaxed and just let myself recover from a very busy first half of the year. I meditated and thought about how my year was going.

My year started with getting my heart broke and realizing that I needed more out of the relationship that I was trying so hard to save. Yet the truth is when I finally let go, I got happier. But it was not right away, in fact I continued to fight for that person for way to long. I’m tired of chasing someone, of begging for their love and attention. I’m tired of working so hard to give someone everything I want hoping that they would somehow understand that it is those things I need in a relationship. I am going to say this, I was so wrong to think that someone would even come close to guessing that. How unfair of me to even hope or think that. No that is not the way a relationship works. It is time for me to realize that. I need to fix my relationship with myself first.

So I began a journey that I am loving. Learning about myself. Who am I? I am kind, loving, and while I’m not some knockout my internal beauty is empowering. I am magic, I’ve said it a million times. All I have to do is remember that power and and love and let it shine through. The vacation helped me to tap into that. I walked around with a ton of very different people and for the first time in my life soaked in the love and acceptance of everyone. It was as if for the the first time in my life I actually feel recharged. Happy and content.

The other thing that has truly helped me during this journey is the grief group that I have been going to. I have learned so much and have decided that I will be starting my own. This is what I know I am supposed to do. One step at a time but I will make this work. This weekend has just allowed me to be who I am and realize that I don’t have to just write one book but both and still be and do what I dream of. It never had to be one or the other, I can and will write both. This helps me just walk that journey and really welcome in what I have learned. It is time to not chase a man but chase my dreams. That is where everything I need is. Chasing those dreams and letting the world see who I am. No more hiding.

The vacation has also taught me that it isn’t always heartache and sadness, nope sometimes it is just the blues and the blues never last forever, as long as you call them out. As long as you are brave enough to simply sit and face the sadness and heartache, you will eventually have to start looking for the blues but you won’t find them. Because you did the work to get through them, the work is hard as hell. It’s not fun and yes there will be tears. But I have learned that each tear, has healed me, the scar of pain is still there along with the missing of the person. But tears are what heal and being brave to face that is what makes me “the strongest person I know.” Life will be full of things that give us scars. We can try to avoid those things but life just doesn’t work that way. The scars make us beautiful. I have watched so many different documentaries lately on monks and how to be happy like them and I realized something, the monks that I find so smart and amazing have spent many years alone to find peace. They tend to stay in solitude and speak on rare occasions. I always ask the same question at the end of the show. How? How can they actually know these things if they stay alone all the time? It’s like they know the answers, but they may not know or understand the questions fully if they have no experience of the life. I have no answer for those questions. Maybe they just are not talking about those experiences. Maybe they prefer to keep those wounds to themselves. I just don’t think that was why I am created. Not to hide and protect myself from those experiences but to fully have the experience of humanity. After all, what is the sense of being a well with water if no one knows you have water?

One Day At A Time

Not long ago I did something I never thought I would do. I started out at a new job, no this is nothing new, everyone does it. But not everyone says I’m leaving a good job and I’m taking another to get where I want to be. Around here you are lucky to find a job that pays well enough for you to drive to it. I live in a small community, and I know what you are thinking. Just move to the bigger city. I am not a city person. I am a nice quiet street with hardly any neighbors to bother you kind of person. I have that where I am, so I stay. It is a good community and an amazing school system. We stay.

Anyways, I did drive to an amazing job that I loved. The people were kind and knew their jobs well. Even better than that they knew how to do work at work and leave home at home. Yes, there were times when we talked about kids or husbands and life, but for the most part we talked about work. Then worked hard. I enjoyed the job even though it wasn’t really all that challenging, what it did do was show me how to run a large payroll system and I learned the capabilities of what they can do. Then life hits as always trouble is around the bend. My personal life went south and I needed some time away so my son and I joined an old friend and her son and off to Branson for a weekend. It is what I needed. I talked about work and how much I have learned and what amazing things these newer systems can do.

That is when my friend offered me a position at her office. A place I had worked before, it was hard to leave that place but I had to. I was so distracted by life and drowning in work that I just could not focus on anything. Grief does that, it distracts you even when you think you are doing good, for a while it is just always right in your face. The job I had was way too much and not focusing meant things got behind and I needed to breathe. So I left.

Yet here she was offering a dream position. HR Administrator. A position I would have to work years for and then hope that I would stumble on an opening. As those are few and far between. Then she dropped the bomb on the pay and I knew I was in. I didn’t have to drive anymore and I would no longer have to miss anything like ballgames and programs my son would be in. It’s just a few short more years and he will be out of school and I will miss these busy years. So being close to home is worth so much more in these last few years of motherhood that I have left. I mean I will always be a mom, but there is a big difference between a school mom and an empty nest mom.

Needless to say, I took the job and have been there almost two months. It has flown by. My weeks have been nothing but a blur. Suddenly we are making changes to policies and looking at adding some features that I believe will add value to our systems. Systems that have not changed since I left. Which in a way is kind of sad, that place is always moving and growing and it’s systems should be growing with it. Not only that but so should the people, they should feel as if they are being invested in that they are part of a bigger team and our projects are a big part of success for the team. I am working on building a new culture for the company. One of teamwork and our success is their success as well. Being known for a safe work environment is something we need to stress to our guys and an incentive program will really help us on this.

There are a lot of things the owners are implementing are really exciting. I get to be a part of that. It has been eye opening how much of a step back really helped move me forward. I have lived most of my life with people who said “you’re not ready yet.” I have always been the kind of person who set out to do what others said I couldn’t. Yet for the first time in my life I was the one who decided to step back. It paid off and I am thankful for the things I learned while I did. I learned how to be a good leader and how to keep work and home separate. Those things have been so valuable and now I get to work on other things that excite me. While making the money I know I am worth.

So knowing when to pull away even when we are scared to do it was such a valuable thing to me. I learned how to make changes even when I was so scared to make them. I am excited to be home, to no longer be afraid to use my voice and push ideas even if they are turned down. What I have learned is at work it is work and it is either good for the business or it is not, it is nothing personal it indeed is business. Yet when you bring a good idea and it is followed through that causes such a great deal of pride. Something most people work years for and never feel that they get. That will be my job, learning how to make the little guy know that his position no matter how small is just as important as all the other positions out there. This one goal makes me so excited to go to work, and it keeps me motivated to learn and improve as much as possible.

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and New Year and I look forward to writing more and more as I am working on how to balance work and home and having more time to do so!