motivation – The Journey of a Lioness

Transforming Vibration: My Journey to Connection

I am not what most people define as “normal”. I am not a TV watcher, or a social media connoisseur. I mean I have most of the popular apps. But my participation in those apps is more like a ghost standing in the background. Watching everyone else live while I just try to breathe. A friend shared a video about how our body vibrates. And the way we speak to ourselves makes a huge difference in those vibrations. I have seen and heard many videos on this topic. The more I watched the more I began to wonder. Is there truth behind all the talk? Then I realized that was all it was, talk. Hours of videos with claims on how to change your perception your place in life and even your finical situation all by simply “thinking” the right way. There are so many names for it, meditation, manifesting, gratitude focus. All seem too simple to do. Yet, there were not really answers on how to do them. Most say oh just buy this app or pay for this subscription or “master class” and you will have it all at your fingertips. My intuition screamed one thing, it is never that simple or easy and why is the person who is “teaching” the class not the one “teaching” the skill required to accomplish the “dream”. It just feels like someone selling snake oil.

My Hesitation

Snake Oil. The cunning good looking man or woman who claims just one sip will cure all your ailments. Honestly that is what those videos seem to be. Of course their life changed. They are making millions selling the solutions to everyone’s problems. Yet the logical Capricorn part of me screams “if that really was the true cure, why isn’t everyone cured already?” So please pardon me if I don’t jump on your van wagon. Don’t worry there are only hundreds more wagons coming along, but I’m not going to jump on those either….Or so I thought.

The thing about a Capricorn, is we are curious and we love to learn. And that curiosity is what could be the death or maybe the life of me. No I didn’t pay for the class, or joined the APP. But I did watch all the videos and inferred the gist of them. That gist? Move. Put action to your ideas, stop letting negative thoughts control me. Like constantly telling myself “I feel so alone.” What is the cure for being alone? Making friends.

Time to Experiment

I love sitting outside by my fire pit and reading a book or just watching the stars and listening to music. I would tell myself that “this is how I recharge for the next day.” Yet after listening to some of these “new mindset” videos, I began to question do I really feel recharged after that? I mean I had yet to feel the energy that the people in the videos were talking about. Sitting alone just increased the feeling of being lonely. Not talking to anyone all day at work then not talking all night increased that feeling of lonely. I realized it is the stair steps down to the pit of depression.

So what could I do? It was time to do some experiments. Remember I am an introvert, so just inviting people over is not in my comfort zone. So I began to look on some social media apps. I will not say which one I landed on but I ended up in a small group chat. Talking about the very thing I had been researching. Our inner vibrations our energies. We talked about what we believed and got a little into some personal details. Suddenly logging in at the end of my day has become what I look forward to! I set a time limit for myself and have done nothing but the past few days but end my day with laughter, people who encourage each other to reach goals and feeling that genuine emotion of not being lonely.

The next part of the experiment was to pay more attention to your environment. I work hard to keep my home clean and friendly feeling. This helps me wake up with joy. My home is my sanctuary and it feels safe and peaceful. So if someone just stops by, it doesn’t cause stress. It is a joy to share my home.

I also started paying attention to the outside environment. For instance, when I go into a store, does it suddenly seem like a lot of people come in after me? Now this is where a positive mindset comes in. The focusing in on being me and knowing I am a good kind person and believing that people are drawn to that. The result, I noticed it many times, I would be the only person that would be in the parking lot. I would go in and not long later I would run into six different people all who came in after me. Now I know I live in a small town and this could just be coincidence. So more experimentation is required but I did easily notice it.

The Results So Far

I am just starting this experiment, yet the last two days there is a difference in me. The first one I have noticed is a negative one. I tend to spend way more time on my phone right before I go to sleep. This has disrupted my sleep tremendously. I can fall asleep easily but staying asleep lately has been a huge challenge and I end up wide awake for at least two hours in the middle of the night death scrolling on my phone.

The solution? I am going to have to join the conversation way earlier, instead of right before I go to sleep. That way I can have that hour before sleep without the blue light. I am hoping that fixes the issue.

The next change has been in me. I can tell I vibrate differently. That feeling that those videos talked about. I believe I found it. I am making friends outside of work and outside of a “serious relationship”. I am learning to just listen, to laugh with others and in some way not take life so seriously. This has changed my vibration. I feel excited for my day and I look forward to the evenings. These people let me be who I am and that creates this excitement of what is going to be said tonight! It actually did not really come to me until the past two days that I feel different.

I finally understand what these experts were talking about “vibrating differently.” Because I feel this crazy excitement about my day. I stepped out and I got out of my comfort zone and I connected with perfect strangers. Suddenly I feel like I can do anything and taking that leap has paid off. Yes it has cost some sleep but I know the solution to that and have a plan in place. Now alone or in a group, I feel alive. So I am stepping out and starting the next journey. Time to write and time to start that podcast that I have been dreaming of. Time to leap!

-Dee

PS: Just one question. Have you ever tried something like this? Did it redefine you or did it just help bring out who you really are? I can’t wait to hear!

The Acceptance of the Past, and Looking Forward to the Future.

Four times. I have been to a grief group four times. It wasn’t even really a grief group, but it was amazing. It also allowed me to finally nail down some feelings and pushed me to do what I have been tumbling around in my head for a while. Starting my own grief group. So I have thrown it out there and I have set up a time and a place to start. I will let God take control and I will just go where I feel I am needed. It is time to face this with bravery and action and do what I feel I have been called to! Let’s talk about Grief.

If you just cringed or maybe was suddenly tempted to just scroll on, I do not blame you. Who wants to talk about Grief? It is depressing, it is emotional, it is HARD. Yes, it is all of those things, what you don’t know is IT IS HEALTHY. It is vital that we learn how to deal with grief because statistics, and those statistics are scary. “The increased likelihood for a recently widowed person to die—often called the “widowhood effect”—is one of the best documented examples of the effect of social relations on health.¹ The widowhood effect has been found among men and women of all ages throughout the world.^2–5 Recent longitudinal studies put the excess mortality of widowhood (compared with marriage) among the elderly between 30% and 90% in the first 3 months and around 15% in the months thereafter.^1,6–8 These estimates are comparable across various statistical methodologies, including multivariate models that statistically control for a wide range of confounding factors,^1,6,8,9 prompting increasing confidence in a causal basis of the widowhood effect.^6,8,10,11” says Felix Elwert, PhD and Nicholas A Christakis, MD, PhD, MPH in their article published on the National Library of Medicine. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2636447/#:~:text=The%20widowhood%20effect%20has%20been,all%20ages%20throughout%20the%20world.&text=Recent%20longitudinal%20studies%20put%20the,15%25%20in%20the%20months%20thereafter.

Are you as surprised as I was? Let me tell you walking the road of widowhood is not one that anyone wants to do. But I feel those numbers represent the effect of loss on us humans especially when we lose the person whom we are so close with. Thus I believe that it is simply time to teach how to deal with loss. This is no easy feat, as I have no education in counseling, nor phycology. But what I do have is the ability to do research, make calls to established counselors that I know, and the willingness to dive in and do the work to help people. This is my way to give back. It may be a total failure, but it also could be the start of something fantastic and much needed. I no longer fear the grief, but will embrace the path of healing. And sometimes it is as simple as asking, “how are you doing?” and truly mean it. I can do this because I have this feeling in my bones that it is what I am meant to do.

-Dee

The Power of a Secret

During a recent session with my counselor we started to discuss something that has become very powerful for me. There was a time after my husband passed that I was seeing a much younger man. This was my first experience with toxic narcissism. The first time I truly fell for someone who controlled everything. I respected his request to keep our relationship secret believing that we were just keeping our names out of the small town rumor mill. This made sense to me in a way but after a while, I started to think, this man doesn’t want a relationship with me. He just wanted the sex. Not that two grown consenting adults couldn’t do that, I just wanted more. The more I tried to get closer to him the more he would push me away. I realized that this was not the kind of relationship I wanted. It killed me to be someone’s secret. It brought up the childhood trauma of never being good enough for someone. So I ended it, it killed me to do so, but it was truly the best decision I ever made. As much as it hurt. But I want to bring something to your attention, I want to tell you about how I felt in the beginning. I felt powerful, sexy and alive.

A Superhero’s Secret Identity

As my therapists and I discussed this very old and toxic relationship, I stumbled upon something. We were discussing how I felt at the beginning of that relationship. I felt powerful. I had this what I believed to be the most amazing young man in my life, and the sex was like it was in some of the most romantic movies you have ever seen. (if you watch those things) I felt special and wanted and down right like a goddess. This mindset was incredible. I dressed different, I walked different, I became this confident woman. I found myself walking by other women and would see them whisper to their girlfriends. It didn’t matter to me, because they didn’t know. No one did, (of course people knew! I live in a small town, even the local cop, who is a woman and a friend, would see my car parked at his house late at night. That just screams booty call!) or at least that is what I told myself. And honestly if people did know I didn’t care, I was a single woman and he was a single man and we were happy. I was still a mom, a widow, and yes an older woman. But at night when I was with him, I was this alter ego and I loved every single second of it.

I wonder if this feeling that I had, that I’ve never had again, is what married people have when they have affairs. Or the feeling someone who is a secret addict has. Holy hell no wonder people do those things. It made life exciting and it made me feel alive. I am not trying to defend why people do those things, I’m just saying that the powerful feeling that comes with those actions can make one feel like a whole new person. If you do not like who you are it is one way to reinvent yourself. Please believe me I am not saying this is the right thing to do. No in fact it is the very way to lose everything you have. What I am saying is it could very well be the power of that secret that changed you.

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Superhero or Villain?

As my therapist and I talked I began to wonder, can this superpower this amazing feeling be used for good? Or does it only feel good because you think you are getting away with something? Is that feeling one of a true Superhero or is it really a Villain that you are becoming? After all if the secret will eventually lead to someone getting hurt, then it is quite possible that you are indeed the Villain. Maybe not from your point of view, but to those around you, your spouse, children, and outside family members, you are indeed the villain. You don’t mean to hurt them, in fact you were probably the one hurting and just needed to feel good again. The reason doesn’t matter, villain is the title that gets handed to you.

As my therapist talked I began to wonder if there was a time when the feeling of being that Superhero and holding a secret didn’t involve hurting someone. Here is what I came up with. Fortunately there are times, you just have to be very aware of them and learn how to harness the power you get from those times. Let me list a few for you. Christmas, a surprise birthday, a surprise visit, a surprise anniversary party. Do you see the correlation? These things are still secrets. These secrets are fun to carry around to talk to others about that you can trust to keep that secret. They build suspense and excitement. The only difference with these secrets, is it is less likely to end up with someone getting hurt. We can create the same kind of feeling that I got from the toxic relationship, by focusing on good healthy things. Surprising someone you love does this. Let me explain.

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Putting the Theory to Practice

After the toxic relationship was over, I spent time alone. When I did date again months later I wanted to see if I could recreate that very romantic very wild very exciting life again. Well the man that I was with had no idea. I decided to take him camping something we both love to do. Be out in nature and soak in the energy from being disconnected from everyone. I didn’t tell him what we were doing, I just told him to pack a bag for a couple of nights and to make sure that he had something warm to sleep in. When I pulled up to pick him up he lit up like a kid. Which in turn lit me up, that excitement that I was chasing was right there. That same feeling of this was going to be amazing carried us through the weekend and even during the next week and months after we talk about that one weekend being just one of our favorite memories we share. No we didn’t work out and the relationship recently fell completely apart. But I know why, because there was no secrets to share. So you see it does work for good. You just have to decide who you want to be. A Superhero or a Villain.

From now on, though, I know what I need and want out of a relationship. I want that feeling. The feeling of the secret of knowing what’s in the box before it is opened on Christmas morning. I want to learn how to create that same kind of power from a good secret that I got from what eventually was a toxic one. The answer was simple it all came down to mindset. When that toxic relationship started the secret was powerful, but in the end the secret became crushing and hurt. But if my mindset was the same in a healthy relationship, I could indeed harness that same ego boosting feeling. It’s all about the perspective that we have. What I believed was good was toxic and what I felt had become boring and dull just needed a secret to make it feel exciting again. That is the power of a secret. It is up to you to decide how to create that power and mindset.

-Dee

One Day At A Time

Not long ago I did something I never thought I would do. I started out at a new job, no this is nothing new, everyone does it. But not everyone says I’m leaving a good job and I’m taking another to get where I want to be. Around here you are lucky to find a job that pays well enough for you to drive to it. I live in a small community, and I know what you are thinking. Just move to the bigger city. I am not a city person. I am a nice quiet street with hardly any neighbors to bother you kind of person. I have that where I am, so I stay. It is a good community and an amazing school system. We stay.

Anyways, I did drive to an amazing job that I loved. The people were kind and knew their jobs well. Even better than that they knew how to do work at work and leave home at home. Yes, there were times when we talked about kids or husbands and life, but for the most part we talked about work. Then worked hard. I enjoyed the job even though it wasn’t really all that challenging, what it did do was show me how to run a large payroll system and I learned the capabilities of what they can do. Then life hits as always trouble is around the bend. My personal life went south and I needed some time away so my son and I joined an old friend and her son and off to Branson for a weekend. It is what I needed. I talked about work and how much I have learned and what amazing things these newer systems can do.

That is when my friend offered me a position at her office. A place I had worked before, it was hard to leave that place but I had to. I was so distracted by life and drowning in work that I just could not focus on anything. Grief does that, it distracts you even when you think you are doing good, for a while it is just always right in your face. The job I had was way too much and not focusing meant things got behind and I needed to breathe. So I left.

Yet here she was offering a dream position. HR Administrator. A position I would have to work years for and then hope that I would stumble on an opening. As those are few and far between. Then she dropped the bomb on the pay and I knew I was in. I didn’t have to drive anymore and I would no longer have to miss anything like ballgames and programs my son would be in. It’s just a few short more years and he will be out of school and I will miss these busy years. So being close to home is worth so much more in these last few years of motherhood that I have left. I mean I will always be a mom, but there is a big difference between a school mom and an empty nest mom.

Needless to say, I took the job and have been there almost two months. It has flown by. My weeks have been nothing but a blur. Suddenly we are making changes to policies and looking at adding some features that I believe will add value to our systems. Systems that have not changed since I left. Which in a way is kind of sad, that place is always moving and growing and it’s systems should be growing with it. Not only that but so should the people, they should feel as if they are being invested in that they are part of a bigger team and our projects are a big part of success for the team. I am working on building a new culture for the company. One of teamwork and our success is their success as well. Being known for a safe work environment is something we need to stress to our guys and an incentive program will really help us on this.

There are a lot of things the owners are implementing are really exciting. I get to be a part of that. It has been eye opening how much of a step back really helped move me forward. I have lived most of my life with people who said “you’re not ready yet.” I have always been the kind of person who set out to do what others said I couldn’t. Yet for the first time in my life I was the one who decided to step back. It paid off and I am thankful for the things I learned while I did. I learned how to be a good leader and how to keep work and home separate. Those things have been so valuable and now I get to work on other things that excite me. While making the money I know I am worth.

So knowing when to pull away even when we are scared to do it was such a valuable thing to me. I learned how to make changes even when I was so scared to make them. I am excited to be home, to no longer be afraid to use my voice and push ideas even if they are turned down. What I have learned is at work it is work and it is either good for the business or it is not, it is nothing personal it indeed is business. Yet when you bring a good idea and it is followed through that causes such a great deal of pride. Something most people work years for and never feel that they get. That will be my job, learning how to make the little guy know that his position no matter how small is just as important as all the other positions out there. This one goal makes me so excited to go to work, and it keeps me motivated to learn and improve as much as possible.

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and New Year and I look forward to writing more and more as I am working on how to balance work and home and having more time to do so!