Tag: relationships

Why I Chose to Be Single for a Year

One year. I have set a goal to be single for one year. It was so hard starting out. Of course it starts out with a heartache. I mean I had to break things off with my fiancé. It wasn’t easy and yes I miss him very much, but what I have learned is I may miss him, but I don’t miss the stress and worry of him coming home in an altered state. In fact the longer I am out of the relationship the better I feel. I never thought I would say that. I spent so much time saying “I just can’t do alone.” The truth is I can, and I am adjusting to it well.

My life isn’t any easier, but in the few relationships I’ve had since my husband passed I learned that I am not willing to settle. It is a powerful feeling standing up and saying my needs are important too. No more trying to earn someone’s love who is only going to take and not give back. I am no longer going to keep giving myself to someone who isn’t willing to give of themselves too. This one thought has changed me. Not just a little but a lot, in a way what that one thought did was give me the power to take control over my life. I have learned that you shouldn’t feel like you have to earn someone’s love. And to be quite honest I truly think that is what I did. I would listen and ask questions and learn about their one obsession, so that I had something to talk about with them. When in reality if I was in my own world I just wouldn’t care about it. It is like the girl who pretends to like fishing and she really doesn’t enjoy it at all.

Going out into nature and wondering around in the woods, is something I love. Fishing? Nope not for me. Yet the old me would have packed the truck made sure everything was ready to go to show him how much I cared about him as a person. I put effort into relationships with people who would never have put the same effort into making sure they did the same thing. I deserve someone better than that and if I have to be that person for myself then I can be. I have proven that these past few months. Proven that I understand what loving myself looks like. It looks like all that effort that I am so desperate for someone to give, I actually give it to myself.

One question comes to mind. Do I really? Do I really like to be outside? Do I really like to travel? Do I really like to be in a room full of people? In my last relationship I would get so frustrated at the lack of drive to do things I know I talked about not wanting a relationship that included sitting on a couch and watching TV. I wanted someone who wanted to be active who wanted more than going to work and coming home. I should have known he wasn’t ready for that. The constant asking where is or what is your favorite things? And getting no answers. That one thing worried me a lot.

I now know that is something I want in a relationship someone who knows who they are. How else would they know that they like me? What if they wake up one day and suddenly I am not the person they want to be with? If they don’t know who they are, how am I supposed to? They just wanted to be with someone. I don’t want to be the “I guess this will work” kind of partner. I want someone to know what they want and when I ask them why me, they can name specific reasons. They can say things like you push me to be more than what I am. Or, “I want to be the one who gives you the world because you deserve it.” Instead of saying “well if I could give you the world I would but that is just asking too much.” I don’t want to be the one asking for more. I want to be the one who says I can give that much too.

I completely understand to most people this is a pipe dream. Well I can tell you this, it may be unrealistic, but it is something I refuse to give in on. Loneliness passes, there are always people to go out and do things with. But I will no longer sacrifice being happy just so I have someone to talk to in the evenings. Nothing hurts me more than me pouring my soul out about something that happened that day and have someone pretend to listen. If I have to sit and listen or watch YouTube videos about something I am not interested in then isn’t it only fair that I get the same in return? I know what I bring to the table. I am so good at making people feel valuable. At making them feel seen and heard and alive. I am only asking for the same in return. I won’t give up looking for that. I want to be with someone who I talk about something with them and two weeks later they bring it up. Because they listened. They wanted to know what was going on in my life because they care. In short I don’t want to be with someone who is with me for what they get out of it. I am no longer going to take care of someone more than what they are willing to take care of me. I just want to feel like I am important to someone too.

I also know that the only way I am going to truly find this, is by waiting for it, and understanding it may never come along. Yet I truly believe it will. All I have to do is set the standard. Demand that I am treated the right way. In short, I have to stop trying to force a relationship. Let it come to me, because the truth of the matter is, I try to tell myself that I am in love. When you have only been on a few dates, or spent a few nights talking on the phone that isn’t falling for someone. That is thinking, well this is better than nothing. It is me that settles. I am no longer going to settle. You want me in your life? It is time to sit back and let someone else chase me. Pick me up for dinner. Come over late and sacrifice sleep because being with me is the only thing on your mind. Just to be next to me because being near does something to you that you can’t explain but the more you get to the more you want to. That is what I want. Not me chasing someone but someone chasing me. I am worth being chased. I am worth the right person’s time. And that person is worth waiting for.

Soon I will have made it a full year alone. It wasn’t easy, it was in fact quite lonely. Yet it was also liberating. It gave me time to become brave. Brave enough to say enough. To say I am worth more and I deserve the kind of relationship that I dream about. I know who I am. When I finally broke up with my ex most people would tell me “learn to love yourself.” This one sentence angered me so much. I would reply “Okay! Just tell me how!” I now know how to do that. It is taking the time to mourn the loss of the relationship. To give space to yourself to miss that other person, but to also let go of that person. And to open yourself up to asking what is it that didn’t work in that relationship?

Was it something they did or didn’t do. Or how about just realizing that you both were in very different places. That you couldn’t wait for them to realize they had growing to do too. Only to sit and watch the very kind of relationship that you said you didn’t want come into being. Or to learn life is way to short to wait around for the “right time.” The one that got me was I couldn’t continue to love the man I hoped one day he would be. While his words said he wanted to be that man. His actions said, I just don’t want to do the work to be that man. Then his words went on to say, “you should just accept me for who I am.” Yet, he didn’t want to do the same thing for me. I am the one who “needed to work out.” Who needed to be “a better woman.” I’m not saying I’m perfect but damn. It was my house, my car, I paid my bills, and took care of him. Yet it wasn’t enough for him. He gave nothing and I gave it all. Nope time for me to say what you think you give, you don’t. And what I need isn’t what you are willing to give so I chose more. I chose to be loved more than that.

I choose more, because I love me more than that. That is what learning how to love yourself is. It is learning to say I love me enough to walk away from what I think I want because knowing what I deserve is so much more.

Transforming Vibration: My Journey to Connection

I am not what most people define as “normal”. I am not a TV watcher, or a social media connoisseur. I mean I have most of the popular apps. But my participation in those apps is more like a ghost standing in the background. Watching everyone else live while I just try to breathe. A friend shared a video about how our body vibrates. And the way we speak to ourselves makes a huge difference in those vibrations. I have seen and heard many videos on this topic. The more I watched the more I began to wonder. Is there truth behind all the talk? Then I realized that was all it was, talk. Hours of videos with claims on how to change your perception your place in life and even your finical situation all by simply “thinking” the right way. There are so many names for it, meditation, manifesting, gratitude focus. All seem too simple to do. Yet, there were not really answers on how to do them. Most say oh just buy this app or pay for this subscription or “master class” and you will have it all at your fingertips. My intuition screamed one thing, it is never that simple or easy and why is the person who is “teaching” the class not the one “teaching” the skill required to accomplish the “dream”. It just feels like someone selling snake oil.

Photo by Felipe Borges on Pexels.com

My Hesitation

Snake Oil. The cunning good looking man or woman who claims just one sip will cure all your ailments. Honestly that is what those videos seem to be. Of course their life changed. They are making millions selling the solutions to everyone’s problems. Yet the logical Capricorn part of me screams “if that really was the true cure, why isn’t everyone cured already?” So please pardon me if I don’t jump on your van wagon. Don’t worry there are only hundreds more wagons coming along, but I’m not going to jump on those either….Or so I thought.

The thing about a Capricorn, is we are curious and we love to learn. And that curiosity is what could be the death or maybe the life of me. No I didn’t pay for the class, or joined the APP. But I did watch all the videos and inferred the gist of them. That gist? Move. Put action to your ideas, stop letting negative thoughts control me. Like constantly telling myself “I feel so alone.” What is the cure for being alone? Making friends.

Time to Experiment

I love sitting outside by my fire pit and reading a book or just watching the stars and listening to music. I would tell myself that “this is how I recharge for the next day.” Yet after listening to some of these “new mindset” videos, I began to question do I really feel recharged after that? I mean I had yet to feel the energy that the people in the videos were talking about. Sitting alone just increased the feeling of being lonely. Not talking to anyone all day at work then not talking all night increased that feeling of lonely. I realized it is the stair steps down to the pit of depression.

So what could I do? It was time to do some experiments. Remember I am an introvert, so just inviting people over is not in my comfort zone. So I began to look on some social media apps. I will not say which one I landed on but I ended up in a small group chat. Talking about the very thing I had been researching. Our inner vibrations our energies. We talked about what we believed and got a little into some personal details. Suddenly logging in at the end of my day has become what I look forward to! I set a time limit for myself and have done nothing but the past few days but end my day with laughter, people who encourage each other to reach goals and feeling that genuine emotion of not being lonely.

The next part of the experiment was to pay more attention to your environment. I work hard to keep my home clean and friendly feeling. This helps me wake up with joy. My home is my sanctuary and it feels safe and peaceful. So if someone just stops by, it doesn’t cause stress. It is a joy to share my home.

I also started paying attention to the outside environment. For instance, when I go into a store, does it suddenly seem like a lot of people come in after me? Now this is where a positive mindset comes in. The focusing in on being me and knowing I am a good kind person and believing that people are drawn to that. The result, I noticed it many times, I would be the only person that would be in the parking lot. I would go in and not long later I would run into six different people all who came in after me. Now I know I live in a small town and this could just be coincidence. So more experimentation is required but I did easily notice it.

The Results So Far

I am just starting this experiment, yet the last two days there is a difference in me. The first one I have noticed is a negative one. I tend to spend way more time on my phone right before I go to sleep. This has disrupted my sleep tremendously. I can fall asleep easily but staying asleep lately has been a huge challenge and I end up wide awake for at least two hours in the middle of the night death scrolling on my phone.

The solution? I am going to have to join the conversation way earlier, instead of right before I go to sleep. That way I can have that hour before sleep without the blue light. I am hoping that fixes the issue.

The next change has been in me. I can tell I vibrate differently. That feeling that those videos talked about. I believe I found it. I am making friends outside of work and outside of a “serious relationship”. I am learning to just listen, to laugh with others and in some way not take life so seriously. This has changed my vibration. I feel excited for my day and I look forward to the evenings. These people let me be who I am and that creates this excitement of what is going to be said tonight! It actually did not really come to me until the past two days that I feel different.

I finally understand what these experts were talking about “vibrating differently.” Because I feel this crazy excitement about my day. I stepped out and I got out of my comfort zone and I connected with perfect strangers. Suddenly I feel like I can do anything and taking that leap has paid off. Yes it has cost some sleep but I know the solution to that and have a plan in place. Now alone or in a group, I feel alive. So I am stepping out and starting the next journey. Time to write and time to start that podcast that I have been dreaming of. Time to leap!

-Dee

PS: Just one question. Have you ever tried something like this? Did it redefine you or did it just help bring out who you really are? I can’t wait to hear!

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