Tag: writing

Oh my dear friends. The dark month approaches. I think I am ready for it. In the last year my life has changed drastically. I went from feeling like I had no friends at all to having some of the best friends I’ve ever had in my life. The catch is they are men not women. I know many of you are sitting there thinking really? Men? I know that many believe that men and women can’t be best friends without one or the other developing feelings. At one time I thought that too. After all I’m the girl that says she is in love with her best friend. But the truth of the matter is this. I am not in love with him. I love him but it isn’t the kind of love that I dream of. He isn’t the man that I dream of.

Dave is in fact my best friend, but so is Jo. It was reconnecting with Jo after all these years that has taught me I am not really in love with Dave. I do care and care deeply but it isn’t romantic love. My heart doesn’t pound out of my chest like it does when I’m around Chad. Yet I have stopped texting Chad, because of my friends. Not because they think it’s a bad idea but because they give me some really good perspective. Chad doesn’t think of me. He doesn’t text really ever. If I text him he does but that is something I no longer want to do. Chase someone that I am interested in. Because that just gets me no where but hurt. So I have slowed down and if Chad is supposed to be in my life then the universe will make it happen.

So I keep doing what I am. Being there for my friends. Our daily talks have help to build this self confidence that I never thought I would have. Yet our bonds only grow stronger. And yes I love them all but I’m learning to match energy with energy and not pour my everything into one person but save it for the one who will matter. Me. Life suddenly feels as if I am finally living again. I am learning how to balance life in a positive way. Doing things for myself instead of trying to find someone to fill my time with I fill it with myself. Doing the things I love and that has made me love me more or maybe just knowing myself better. This is new for me as I have spent most of my life just trying to fit in somewhere. Then the other day a friend from high school posted a picture of a group of us. Our winter guard group with one of our choreographers that we love and are still connected to even to this day. We all had the same reaction, those were some of our happiest days. It was good to see that and remember that I was a part of a group of people that loved what we did and who we were. I am getting back to that. While it’s not a dance team it is truly a team of friends who are going to support and love each other no matter what is going on in this life. While Dave and Jo have never met, they do know about each other. What I love is that Jo cheers for Dave and Princess just as much as I do. He tells me all the time, how is it you seem to have dragged me into your “Hallmark” movie. My answer is simply if you told the story to anyone else they may not see what we do. But because I tell the story from the point of view of hope, you find yourself wanting what we all know Dave wants, Princess. We all stand there and quietly hope that one day Dave gets the courage to tell her he is in love with her. All though like the rest of us, I am sure she already knows that. He doesn’t have to say it, his actions do that for him.

The new love of my life: My Podcast

My podcast is going well and I am excited each week to bring in the next episode. I truly feel like I am doing what I am passionate about. Telling stories and while it is a lot of work it is work that I love. Each episode is getting better than the next and being this creative is good for me. I think my next project is to think about future episodes and really my first episode with a guest! This is exciting for me. One step at a time. While I would love to have experts on my mind says who is the better guest? The expert who has “studied” a topic or someone who has lived it? Maybe a little of both. I am excited about the next step and I have a lot to get ready for it. One step at a time.

I do want to say thank you for all of your support and for staying connected to the blog. The podcast is about getting to where I am. But this, the blog is about where I am right now. I am writing like crazy and I have never been this happy to be doing it. The universe knows my deepest desire and I am chasing it with all my heart. As for the man of my future, I hope he is ready for a life of excitement and support and love and friends. Connection it is everything.

So what do you think? Are you drawn to a podcast that has a ton of experts on it who writes the book so to speak? Or are you drawn to personal stories from real people who lived through the hardship and made it to the other side? I would love to find that balance between the two and really combine the two. One day at a time is all I need.

-Dee

Introducing a New Character to the Saga……

I would like to introduce you, all whom have been keeping up on the Saga, to the newest character to come into my life. I will call him Jo. Jo is someone that I worked with many years ago. If you have consistently read my blog I have mentioned him maybe one other time. He was part of the group of guys who saved my life once after a terrible breakup. This man has had his own share of heartbreak and loss. I won’t go into detail because you all know that I try to protect the identity of my close friends. Just know his loss was a terrible and tragic one.

Jo is the kind of guy that just comes and goes out of your life. He is a gypsy and moves around a lot. Chasing happiness. For a long while he disappeared from my life. But suddenly he just showed back up. With the same kind of love and support that he always gives. With his signature sign off of “always light and love.” He really does mean that. Jo is the kind of man that has this higher understanding of what emotional intelligence is and loves to talk about connecting to the universe. We started texting about a week ago and finally I had to say. “Can I please just call you because this will take forever to type out!”

“Of course you can!” was his response. Then we proceed to talk for six hours. In the past week we have clocked over thirteen hours on the phone. Just talking about finding ourselves again. He having just gone through a break up much like “Chad” has. We talk…..okay he talks about the breakup and a little about where it went wrong. I know we will eventually get to the heavy stuff but now it stays light. According to him he says that it wouldn’t be fair to add his stuff to my plate. I have heard that many times. I use to say things like “my plate is not full!” The truth to that is, it is full. Full with my own heartaches and while I’m working on healing, it takes time. Its not that I can’t listen and encourage and just be there for him like I was for “Chad”. I can, what I can’t do is get emotionally or romantically attached. Remember, I’m working on transforming my attachment style. No causing more anxiety by adding to the list of people I feel like I need to hear from daily. That would be counter intuitive.

Our Talks are deep…..

“I think I have a gift.” I explain to him. “For some reason I am the sound board for not just you but also for others. In the last few months it has been at least two others. Now don’t get me wrong, neither one of those guys has any kind of romantic feelings for me. But I am a safe place for them. I am the woman that sits there in the pain of loss with them. Yet because I have felt deep loss, their loss doesn’t affect me. I can sit there and listen to the hurt and heartache and just let it wash over me. Let it flood out of them and there I am to guide it to the universe and ask the questions they may not want to ask themselves.” If you are reading the Saga, you know I am talking about Chad and Dave. I am there to just listen and not judge. Then of course to make them feel better. I don’t know how I do it. But if I could explain it, it would be like an exchange of energy. No I am not talking about sex. I am talking about this crazy feeling I have after such a talk. Like pure exhaustion. And many times I have been told “God it has been so nice to finally talk to someone about real things. I haven’t talked this long in a long time.” It is a sentence that I have heard from all of them. What is that? I think it is a gift to just sit and listen to someone who has not had the chance to talk for a long while.

What I don’t do…..I don’t jump on to the wagon of talking down about the woman who just broke their hearts…..that is not where my gift lies. My gift is trying to just listen, and asking the one question that I don’t think that they get asked very often. “How did that make you feel?” At first I always get the same answer. “I don’t know really.” Yet, eventually they get there, they get to the gut of the hurt. Most of the time it is “I guess mostly I felt lonely and really want a deep connection.” I’m telling you ladies, your man does want to connect on that deep level that you are so wanting from them. All it takes is finding the right timing. Once you nail that, he is an opened book. Sure it may take sometime to get there, but if you are patience one day he will open up. Just like you he just needs to feel safe to do so.

Where is it all going?

I asked this last night as I talked with Jo on the phone. In the end I think I am in this space of limbo as the Universe waits for me to make what I feel like is the ultimate decision. Alone? Or with someone. Then Jo gives me the answer. “Maybe you just need to find someone who wants to do that with you.” You see I want to travel and go and just do. Have that ultimate freedom of not having to answer to anyone. Having the ability not to have to take care of someone else. But truly just be. I have had that for a little over a year. I know myself. If I get involved with someone all my energy will go into taking care of them. I will immediately go into the sacrifice mode that I have defaulted to because it is my normal mode.

Yet, I don’t want to be in that mode. Right now I have been in the mode of taking care of myself. Doing things for me. That has been nice. So you see the conflict? I have enjoyed taking care of me. Working out, nightly skin care routine and meditation. I can honestly say I truly feel like I am finally taking care of that little girl that has been neglected. She is finally coming first and really the truth is that one thing is why I feel like I’m vibrating at such a higher level. That is why I question is it really time to be with someone?

Then Jo says something that stops me in my tracks. Why does it have to be one other the other? What if you found someone who would allow you to do all the things you do and expect nothing less? I didn’t answer, but I didn’t have to because he knew the answer. “Because that is not how you work is it? You are afraid that you will go right back to being the old Dee. The married Dee who makes all the sacrifices.” My quiet answer, “Yes.” I have worked so hard at getting to this new Dee. To the Dee that I absolutely love. I won’t give her up. And that my friends is why as much as I want the universe to bring me the man, I do not think that will happen anytime soon. I have to learn how to be the new Dee and find balance.

In the mean time, I am happy as I am. I love talking to my guy friends and hearing from them daily. No pressure to have any kind of romance and that gives me that freedom that right now is so good for my soul. I no longer worry about getting remarried or even getting into a relationship. No my only worry is making sure this version of Dee keeps growing. Because she is powerful.

-Dee

Everyone has bad days. Where things just didn’t go as we thought it should. I grew up wanting to be one of those people who just went on the fly. No plans no agenda, just free. I am not that kind of person. I like to have a good idea on how my day is going to go, and when it doesn’t go that way, I tend to react just like everyone else. As much as I hate to admit it, I too get in a mood when things don’t go as planned. What I have learned is that sometimes even plan B and C need to be scratched. I would like to think that I go from irritated to problem solving mode. I’m not sure that I do that. I often wonder how people who are always in a situation where they are forced to make decisions in just mere minuets. Emergency Doctors, Military leaders these people make life and death decisions every day. What about you? What is your reaction when things don’t go as planned?

I have also learned recently that always being there for someone is really important. I always wanted that in my life. What I have learned is most people trade energy for energy. If you are there for them then they will show up for you. Having that person you can count on, that is so reassuring. The catch is knowing when it’s okay to be there and when someone needs space. I can give space. It is not always easy for me as I have this terrible habit of wanting to fix things for people that I love. You can’t always fix somethings. Thus, I have had to learn to step back and give them space. Their feelings are their own and sometimes space is what someone needs. They have to go through an uncomfortable time so that they can grow. It doesn’t seem fair. After all if you can save someone shouldn’t you? Then my best friend said something that made perfect sense. We are not meant to be superhero’s. We are meant to love and sometimes that love means we let go and we let someone we love fail. As we learn more from failure. No one likes to fail, but one should once in a while so that we learn what we are suppose to.

My best friend is in the middle of some bad days. While I am not sure of everything going on, I think I could help. Yet he has not asked for help and I dare not ask him about it. I will just give him space to figure out what he needs to do. I have made the offer to help but you can’t force someone. All I can do is be there should he need me. It’s what happens when you are determined to be there for someone.

If I have learned anything from losing Ed it is what a real friend is. Most importantly how to be that best friend and be supportive to people who share your energy. I use to think I was a good friend and had good friends, no what I did was people pleasing. I dropped everything for people whom I believed was my friends. Yet when I needed them they didn’t even answer the phone. That is not friendship. It is convenience for them. Only if they have time for me or if they are left with no one else and they don’t want to be alone. At one time I was so sure that was what friendship was. It isn’t. What I have learned is that is a narcissistic person looking for someone to feed their ego and someone like me is going to do that. Because I’m that supportive friend. I am no longer that friend. Because I choose not to be. If I can’t be honest with someone and tell them what I really think or how I feel then I’m not being a friend. And I now see how much I have grown as a person.

My best friend tells me all the time how much I have changed since we met. At first I couldn’t see it. I can now. I feel it. The higher vibration. The self confidence and knowing what boundaries I have that is what has changed and I love knowing who I am and what I stand for. I am someone’s best friend. That is everything.

-Dee

I don’t even know where to start this but it feels like the saga continues. Last night I had a friend reach out to me upset because he and his long term girlfriend broke up. My heart went out to him. I had talked to him a while back ago and knew things had been going pretty rough. It’s crazy because for some reason when he showed up at my house that night his feelings were all over the place. He just wanted someone to connect to. At that time I had just broken up with Mat and I was in a dark place. But I had made up my mind then that I needed a year alone. It actually felt like the universe was testing me. You set a goal, here is a temptation, will you take the bait. I didn’t. I couldn’t be the woman he was looking for. Now, I have surpassed the woman he even knew I could become. I have become this woman who is so self assured. I know now what is important to me and I know how to get what I want.

The biggest thing that has changed about me is the fact I am beginning to see my own worth and I know that I don’t need anyone’s permission to live or to love. All my life I had dreamed of freedom and I am so close to that freedom. I refuse to go back. I have learned that a relationship should not be built on how well I can serve someone but how can I build a relationship that feels like a team. What happens then is the change of my mindset when I meet someone new or when I talk to someone new. It has gone from saying, I know how to be a supportive partner. To I understand what you are saying and I’m sorry you have not found that person yet. You see what the change was there?

The change went from telling myself that I could be what they need or want if they would just choose me. To thinking, I understand you know what your needs are, but I am not willing to jump into that role unless I feel like I have been chosen first. So now I can offer friendship. Does that scare me a bit you bet your little bottom it does. Why because what if I say just friends and then someone I could really connect with walks away because he is looking for something more. In the end what I have learned is if they are really interested then a man will make it quite clear he wants more than just friendship. So I have to set myself up for that. And wait for the one who is clearly looking for what I am.

This may not be the best plan but it is the one I have. It seems the best one for me and protecting my heart. The mindset of not every guy is the “guy” and in the end it’s less pressure. Like I don’t have to like what they do, I don’t have to talk to them and I certainly don’t have to answer any text or message unless I want to. Finding that freedom that at some of my darkest married moments I envisioned. Why would I give that up to just anyone? No I don’t think I will.

I sat up most of the night talking to this guy I’ll call him Chad. Chad talked about the last year of his relationship. Where it all seemed to start going down hill. He talked about the moment when he knew it wasn’t going to last. He talked about some very private things. Things that he brought up that actually slapped me in the face and woke me up. Things that happened to him that I am ashamed that I did to Mat. At first I hated myself but then I also realized while the thing is similar, it is two different situations. Let me explain and use myself and Mat as the example so that I can protect “Chad” as I do not want to reveal “Chad’s” personal life. My own example should be enough for you to get my point.

When Mat and I were together and he was sober he would always ask, do you need some money to help pay for bills. At first I would say yes two hundred dollars or so. He would say okay then when he would get paid he would “forget” about the conversation. Or he would have an excuse for not having that much this pay check. So eventually I just started saying no. It put a lot of stress on me to pay all the bills with little to no help at all. Yet each time he would ask I would say nope I’m good. Even if it was a lie, why? Because his reaction of when I did say yes and when he couldn’t provide what I needed I would become angry. I would call my sisters and complain and they would tell me “make him.” I didn’t. I truly felt like it was my home, my bills my responsibility.

It became one of the reasons that I ended it. That is my side of the story…now let me tell you what that looks like from a man’s point of view. Someone who is kind of like Mat but not. Let me try to tell it as best as I can from “Chad’s” and maybe even Mat’s perspective. While I didn’t come out and say they are my bills because it’s my home, it was something I did say to my sisters when we talked about the issues I was having. When I started saying no I don’t need anything and stopped asking. I wonder if he began to feel like he was a guest instead of feeling at home. Yet there is a difference between Mat and “Chad”. Because Mat’s response was kept mostly in secret, “Chad’s” girlfriend would talk about it in front of all his friends. She would brag about not needing him. When “Chad” told me this I was divested for him. I can’t imagine how embarrassing that had to have been. What a way to emasculate him. I couldn’t imagine what that would feel like. Then I felt awful because I wonder how Mat felt. Did he feel the same way? If he did why didn’t he feel like he could tell me that?

A part of me thinks well he really didn’t want to help, because he only asked every once in a while. And the look of relief on his face when I said no was so obvious. It is hard to imagine that it is the same as “Chad” and his girlfriend. But I could totally be wrong and that is exactly what it did. If that is the case I truly feel sorry for doing that.

One conversation with someone I used to know has truly opened my eyes on some amazing things. I am so grateful for that conversation. I haven’t really heard from him since, but that doesn’t matter because I’ve learned something and that is always a good thing.

Every day I’m growing and I am happy.

-Dee

If there was an award given for the worst choices made in love, I am pretty sure that I would win that. No I have only been married once, but as my followers know he has passed. Since then I have fallen for the young guy, the addict, the bad boy, I’ve been cat fished, and fallen for my best friend. If I had a batting average I would be batting 1000. And while I’ve hit a few triples, never a home run. Never finding that person who would love me the same. Not the same as my husband, but how I love. Or how I feel I need to be loved.

Of course I understand that every single person loves differently and no one will love the way I do. Yet I have yet to find someone who is willing to show he wants me. Who has the ability to love and not use. So I am waving the white flag. I give up. There is no one for me. I am just done. I knew last week that I was done. When I felt so happy and good with life when a very odd text came to my phone. From someone I use to know. We go on this amazing date. Once again though it is not what I wanted. I drove to pick him up, I paid for the dinner, I made the plans and then after getting swept up in all the feelings. I learned the truth. Yet again a man with no job, no car, no potential, just a house of four kids and nothing to offer. I am angry at myself and also proud of myself.

I’m angry because I let someone push me into something without saying stop. I let someone get me swept up in their emotions. All the while my inner self is screaming “STOP! You can’t love me! You don’t know me.” Then when I did say those things out loud he refused to listen. I waited days to finally say, “No” no you can’t love me the way you claim you do. And I don’t love you because I don’t know you. And I certainly can’t be who and what you want me to be. So I broke it off. I said no more, and while I want to say I broke someone’s heart the truth is you can’t be with someone for four days and be so deeply in love that you are thinking straight enough to make a life long commitment. I’ve learned love is different. It isn’t that butterfly feeling, it is deeper. It is having respect for someone as a person. It is learning how to be there for them come hell or high water. That is love. That is dedication and it is what I want to have with someone.

The weekend spent with him was awful it brought back trauma from when I was a child. The fear of a man who loses his temper with little provocation. Yet the new Dee showed up. That is what I am so proud of, as I heard from my head all weekend, this will not work. My heart for once didn’t win the battle between what feels good and what is real. My head did. My head said I have broken that curse it ended with me and I will not let that into my home. The walking on eggshells the yelling and crushing of the spirit because it is different. No I will not allow that in my life. My head won, my heart while so sad and crushed because he was a beautiful man, did not. I am paying the price for that now, the ache the sorrow and belief that there just isn’t someone for me anymore. Which hits so hard, but my heart isn’t broken, just bruised by the knowledge that I’m giving up. I’m truly just done.

It is crazy a week ago, I was so happy. I was happy alone and smiled all the time. But the truth is I’ve known it all along. I am in love with my best friend and he will never feel the same way about me. I have to not just lose my best friend I have to truly walk away from it all. Lose it all again so that if the real thing ever truly happens I will be opened and ready for it. I will spend a few days in bed reading finding ways to connect to others. And learning to let go of the hope of someone.

Bullsh#%…..this is not right…..

He is my best friend. He is the reason I smile every damn day. I am not giving up until he tells me he is marring someone else. I have worked and waited all my life to have a best friend like him. Not just a lover but a love that goes deeper than the surface. To get to be the person who always answers, who drops everything and says I’ve got you. That is what I do for him and what he does for me. You can love your friends right? We have both said it. “Love ya.” And meant it. I’m not giving that up. I may give up on finding love the romantic kind, but I refuse to give up on having someone who gives a damn. That is me and Dave and I know many people will never understand it. They won’t because they don’t know Dave like I know him. They don’t know the person behind the mask that he puts out there. I know him, I will not be just another person who walked away from what he offers. Joy. He is the very thing he said he wanted to be for me. My joy. The one thing I feel like I’m actually winning.

Others may get jealous, some may even get hurt. But I refuse to give up the best thing that has happened to me since Ed passed. Life is full of ups and downs with my best friend we have been through both together and alone, but I’m not letting him go. You don’t push people away because you make a mistake, or because you are hurt. That is when you do what Dave does. You show up and make damn sure they are okay. I will hold onto that and him as long as he lets me. Being someone’s joy. I’m learning how to do and be that. He has taught me so much mostly to see the human side of this journey. He is truly an angle in disguise. And you don’t turn them away you embrace them and show them the love that we are all made of.

-Dee

Very soon six years will have passed since I’ve lost my husband. The healing that has been done in those years has been has been a very hard thing to do. I have tried relationships that I wasn’t ready for. I had relationships that I thought I could handle but realized that they were not what I wanted. I was this huge stone of a human with my mind made up on how things should be only to learn that to get where I want to be, some of that stone had to be removed. Carving myself into who I want to be has been hard work and it has taken hours to carve out the things I believed were strict truth and realized that it was only when I let go of those so called truths I was able to grow.

I am a new creation and it has not been to find its beautiful results. Yet in the end I can step back and say, I love who I am now. I used to fear being alone, and I still am not a fan of it, I am no longer afraid of it. I had to learn how to look towards the future and look forward to it. To see the unknown not as something to fear but to embrace and find hope in. It is the oddest of things to look at something so unknown and see it as hope. It goes against all we are taught. We are taught to look for the steady, the boring, the safe things so that we don’t get hurt. Yet the scars that I have now, they are from the chisel that has carved away the fear and found the hope.

No I am not where I thought I would be, I am still single yet, I don’t fear being alone. What’s more important is I have learned how to simply be happy. How to be a real friend and how to be that person someone can count on. No longer looking for the people who can help me, but who can I help? That is where I have found real happiness, being for others that I need. Even more is showing up for myself. Keeping promises I’ve made to myself, taking care of that kid that fears being left yet again. No I no longer fear being left, because I never want to hold someone captive because they fear hurting me. I would rather be with someone who wants to be with me than someone who just settles for me. I deserve more and so do they.

Don’t Wait, Go……..

Go. I’ve learned to just go. Buy the tickets go see the event I want to see. Because we only get one life and it is way to short to “wait til next time.” Go, do, dream and chase. That is what chasing life looks like. That is the very thing that I have learned. Not chasing men, or a feeling, but life. That is the one thing that lately has made me happy. Going to games with my kids and getting out of the house. Going out by myself and trying to meet people. That’s what I’m doing. It isn’t always fearless, but I do it afraid and so far, I have yet to regret anything. I’ve made friends I never thought and found joy in things that make me look forward to the future. I have grown and I have chipped away the parts of me that only revealed something so much more beautiful. The real me the soul of a woman who is kind and supportive and someone who can count on herself not waiting for the hero to show up. Because she has found the way to save herself.

Being alone is still hard and crawling into bed alone isn’t always fun. Missing someone who gathers you up in their arms telling you its all going to be okay. That is a real thing. Yet one day maybe the things I used to fear will no longer feel so scary. And crawling into those arms in a bed will be more about finding love there than finding someone who is just willing to be there. That is what I deserve. Happiness is finding something so much more deeper than a feeling of I like being around you. Its knowing that someone wants to be there. Who wants to wake up next to me and who knows without a doubt that they don’t want to wake up anywhere else. And maybe that isn’t something in the future for me but I’m going to bet that it is, I just have to waiting for it and him to show up. Each day is the day it could happen and that is the hope that I carry with me. I won’t give up.