The Journey of a Lioness

Transforming Vibration: My Journey to Connection

I am not what most people define as “normal”. I am not a TV watcher, or a social media connoisseur. I mean I have most of the popular apps. But my participation in those apps is more like a ghost standing in the background. Watching everyone else live while I just try to breathe. A friend shared a video about how our body vibrates. And the way we speak to ourselves makes a huge difference in those vibrations. I have seen and heard many videos on this topic. The more I watched the more I began to wonder. Is there truth behind all the talk? Then I realized that was all it was, talk. Hours of videos with claims on how to change your perception your place in life and even your finical situation all by simply “thinking” the right way. There are so many names for it, meditation, manifesting, gratitude focus. All seem too simple to do. Yet, there were not really answers on how to do them. Most say oh just buy this app or pay for this subscription or “master class” and you will have it all at your fingertips. My intuition screamed one thing, it is never that simple or easy and why is the person who is “teaching” the class not the one “teaching” the skill required to accomplish the “dream”. It just feels like someone selling snake oil.

My Hesitation

Snake Oil. The cunning good looking man or woman who claims just one sip will cure all your ailments. Honestly that is what those videos seem to be. Of course their life changed. They are making millions selling the solutions to everyone’s problems. Yet the logical Capricorn part of me screams “if that really was the true cure, why isn’t everyone cured already?” So please pardon me if I don’t jump on your van wagon. Don’t worry there are only hundreds more wagons coming along, but I’m not going to jump on those either….Or so I thought.

The thing about a Capricorn, is we are curious and we love to learn. And that curiosity is what could be the death or maybe the life of me. No I didn’t pay for the class, or joined the APP. But I did watch all the videos and inferred the gist of them. That gist? Move. Put action to your ideas, stop letting negative thoughts control me. Like constantly telling myself “I feel so alone.” What is the cure for being alone? Making friends.

Time to Experiment

I love sitting outside by my fire pit and reading a book or just watching the stars and listening to music. I would tell myself that “this is how I recharge for the next day.” Yet after listening to some of these “new mindset” videos, I began to question do I really feel recharged after that? I mean I had yet to feel the energy that the people in the videos were talking about. Sitting alone just increased the feeling of being lonely. Not talking to anyone all day at work then not talking all night increased that feeling of lonely. I realized it is the stair steps down to the pit of depression.

So what could I do? It was time to do some experiments. Remember I am an introvert, so just inviting people over is not in my comfort zone. So I began to look on some social media apps. I will not say which one I landed on but I ended up in a small group chat. Talking about the very thing I had been researching. Our inner vibrations our energies. We talked about what we believed and got a little into some personal details. Suddenly logging in at the end of my day has become what I look forward to! I set a time limit for myself and have done nothing but the past few days but end my day with laughter, people who encourage each other to reach goals and feeling that genuine emotion of not being lonely.

The next part of the experiment was to pay more attention to your environment. I work hard to keep my home clean and friendly feeling. This helps me wake up with joy. My home is my sanctuary and it feels safe and peaceful. So if someone just stops by, it doesn’t cause stress. It is a joy to share my home.

I also started paying attention to the outside environment. For instance, when I go into a store, does it suddenly seem like a lot of people come in after me? Now this is where a positive mindset comes in. The focusing in on being me and knowing I am a good kind person and believing that people are drawn to that. The result, I noticed it many times, I would be the only person that would be in the parking lot. I would go in and not long later I would run into six different people all who came in after me. Now I know I live in a small town and this could just be coincidence. So more experimentation is required but I did easily notice it.

The Results So Far

I am just starting this experiment, yet the last two days there is a difference in me. The first one I have noticed is a negative one. I tend to spend way more time on my phone right before I go to sleep. This has disrupted my sleep tremendously. I can fall asleep easily but staying asleep lately has been a huge challenge and I end up wide awake for at least two hours in the middle of the night death scrolling on my phone.

The solution? I am going to have to join the conversation way earlier, instead of right before I go to sleep. That way I can have that hour before sleep without the blue light. I am hoping that fixes the issue.

The next change has been in me. I can tell I vibrate differently. That feeling that those videos talked about. I believe I found it. I am making friends outside of work and outside of a “serious relationship”. I am learning to just listen, to laugh with others and in some way not take life so seriously. This has changed my vibration. I feel excited for my day and I look forward to the evenings. These people let me be who I am and that creates this excitement of what is going to be said tonight! It actually did not really come to me until the past two days that I feel different.

I finally understand what these experts were talking about “vibrating differently.” Because I feel this crazy excitement about my day. I stepped out and I got out of my comfort zone and I connected with perfect strangers. Suddenly I feel like I can do anything and taking that leap has paid off. Yes it has cost some sleep but I know the solution to that and have a plan in place. Now alone or in a group, I feel alive. So I am stepping out and starting the next journey. Time to write and time to start that podcast that I have been dreaming of. Time to leap!

-Dee

PS: Just one question. Have you ever tried something like this? Did it redefine you or did it just help bring out who you really are? I can’t wait to hear!

Take your moment…..

It is finally fall! Okay well close to it. But here in the heartland football season has started. For this girl it always brings back the best memories. Sitting in the stands and the excitement of school spirit. I was a band kid. We sat as a group and played, cheered, and for me I learned about football. I was lucky to have guy friends who would answer questions and teach me what football was. It grew this love of the game that I never imagined I would have. As an adult I still have that passion. I am so lucky to have four amazing kids. I have band kids, a cheerleader, and the last one, a football player. I know it is a simple time that quickly passes by, but I am so thankful for it. Last night, I learned something so inspiring that I have to share.

Last night we traveled to a town even smaller than our own to play 7 on 7 football. If you know anything about football, 7 on 7 isn’t real. Our school agreed with the other school to play this way. Why? Well because the other school only had seven players and this could be the only chance they get to play. I have no idea why our school agreed to do it. All I do know is that I am so glad they did. Or I would not have gotten the chance to learn two lessons.

Lesson One….Life is going to Crush you…Get BACK UP.

The game started out and I cringed looking at our size verses there. One young man on their team was so small. Number 10. I will never forget Number 10. He was maybe just five feet tall and all of about one hundred pounds! Yet there he was on that field being a part of that team. He was short and fast which is why he was playing a running back position. In one play they hand him the ball and he takes off. Only to be met by one of our biggest defenders. Who like he has been taught, wrapped this kid up in a text book tackle. He landed just right to knock the wind out of little Number 10. Let me tell you the fans quickly got very quiet. Hearts were pounding and there Number 10 laid on the ground fighting to catch his breath. Coaches ran over to him and talked him through sitting up and gaining that breath back. It was heart stopping to say the least. Finally they got him back on his feet and with a wave to signal that he was okay the crowd erupted into thunderous applause. Still a little rattled, Number 10 rejoined his team. Many patted him on the back and checked on him giving him words of encouragement. Some asking “you good?”. With a nod of his head play resumed.

This amazing small kid got knocked down but he wasn’t out. Our team had the bigger size and more experience on the field. Yet the other team was not going to give up. They were going to give it their all. By the start of the second quarter, our team was a head and the other had not scored. Yet again Number 10 comes into play. Our team was on offense, for those that don’t know, offense is when your team has the ball and is trying to score. Anyways our team has the ball and they run a passing play. The ball is hiked and our QB drops back for the pass, all this time Number 10 sees the intention of the play. This little guy comes out of no where and intercepts the ball! Their fans erupt into the biggest cheers of the night! While our team stopped him before they scored, that one play will be forever burned into the memory of Number 10 for the rest of his life. What an amazing feeling that must have been for him. Did it make a difference in how the game ended? No, but maybe it will make a huge difference in that kid’s life. He was knocked down, and crushed, but he got up. He got up and kept going determined to finish what he started. He persevered and just a short time later had an amazing moment of pride and elation, in that blink of an eye for just a short time, he was a hero.

If you know anything about me, it is that I am a widow. I know all about life’s ability to crush you when you least expect it. For the last five years I have done everything from running away from pain to diving into it. None of it fun, all of it hard, and the only thing that mattered was getting up. The only good thing about diving into the pain is eventually you will get to break through the surface and gasp in that sweet air. I have had a very tough month learning how to sit in grief, so that I can mourn and heal, only to hope one day I can again catch that full breath and fight for my moment of pride and elation. I am on my way to loving and finding myself again. My moment will come.

Lesson Two…….SHOW UP…..

The picture above is of my son and my daughters boyfriend, we call him Jer. Jer has been overseas for the past 19 months. This young man is incredible. He has stepped up and truly helped this family both emotionally and physically since we lost Ed. So him being gone had left a pretty big hole in our lives. Just this week he got to come home. It wasn’t easy for him. His first flight was delayed making him miss his connecting flight, which in a very crazy way had him having two MONDAYS in one week!! I know it sounds impossible but trust me because of where he started from and here at home, even though he had to spend a night somewhere he indeed, still got home on the same day just 12 hours later. Which really was the better deal. Anyways he is finally home.

My son so excited to finally have another man around, invited Jer and my daughter to his football game. As you can see they made it! Their week has been so full. After getting home late on Tuesday, he and my daughter spent two days test driving and buying her a brand new car! I am so proud of her for doing this, she has worked very hard for that goal. And even though they were both exhausted, they came to the game. They were late and only saw the last quarter that was played, they still showed up. If you look closely at my son you will see what that meant to him. As they were released from the coaches huddle, he made his way over to us and seeing Jer crashed into him, bursting into tears. Someone Showed Up for HIM. Yes mom shows up all the time, but Mick needs men in his life, men that will show up when they say they will. It may not seem like a hard thing to do, showing up. Yet, think about it, this man had been traveling for over 36 hours, he had jet lag, spent the previous two days helping my daughter buy a car, and even though it would have been easier on him to just come to the next game, still showed up. That is what matters.

As a parent I know that is the kind of sacrifice you make. You work 50 plus hours a week and you still make the sacrifice and show up for your kids. That is what makes good men, good women, good parents. Showing up matters.

Showing up matters in everything. If Number 10 didn’t show up after getting knocked down, he would have never had that amazing moment. If Jer and my daughter had decided not come, Mick would never have gotten the moment when he saw that he mattered to someone other than mom. If I don’t show up and face grief and let it get me stuck in life, then I would never have the moment I had last night. Where I am finally truly and amazingly feeling joy and happiness again.

These two simple lessons, getting up and showing up, all lead to one thing, getting your moment. Number 10 faced a giant and got a beautiful moment because he didn’t give up. My son got a moment because someone was going to put his need over their own. I am getting this moment because I chose to focus on myself and heal so that I can focus on my kids. All of them were there last night. His sisters all support him in such amazing ways. He knows he is loved, supported, that we are proud of him and we are proud of each other. We are family, we have been knocked down. But we got up, we fought the fight of grief and sorrow, and are beating it little by little. We were down but we are not out and each moment like last night, we will win.

-Dee

The Acceptance of the Past, and Looking Forward to the Future.

Four times. I have been to a grief group four times. It wasn’t even really a grief group, but it was amazing. It also allowed me to finally nail down some feelings and pushed me to do what I have been tumbling around in my head for a while. Starting my own grief group. So I have thrown it out there and I have set up a time and a place to start. I will let God take control and I will just go where I feel I am needed. It is time to face this with bravery and action and do what I feel I have been called to! Let’s talk about Grief.

If you just cringed or maybe was suddenly tempted to just scroll on, I do not blame you. Who wants to talk about Grief? It is depressing, it is emotional, it is HARD. Yes, it is all of those things, what you don’t know is IT IS HEALTHY. It is vital that we learn how to deal with grief because statistics, and those statistics are scary. “The increased likelihood for a recently widowed person to die—often called the “widowhood effect”—is one of the best documented examples of the effect of social relations on health.¹ The widowhood effect has been found among men and women of all ages throughout the world.^2–5 Recent longitudinal studies put the excess mortality of widowhood (compared with marriage) among the elderly between 30% and 90% in the first 3 months and around 15% in the months thereafter.^1,6–8 These estimates are comparable across various statistical methodologies, including multivariate models that statistically control for a wide range of confounding factors,^1,6,8,9 prompting increasing confidence in a causal basis of the widowhood effect.^6,8,10,11” says Felix Elwert, PhD and Nicholas A Christakis, MD, PhD, MPH in their article published on the National Library of Medicine. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2636447/#:~:text=The%20widowhood%20effect%20has%20been,all%20ages%20throughout%20the%20world.&text=Recent%20longitudinal%20studies%20put%20the,15%25%20in%20the%20months%20thereafter.

Are you as surprised as I was? Let me tell you walking the road of widowhood is not one that anyone wants to do. But I feel those numbers represent the effect of loss on us humans especially when we lose the person whom we are so close with. Thus I believe that it is simply time to teach how to deal with loss. This is no easy feat, as I have no education in counseling, nor phycology. But what I do have is the ability to do research, make calls to established counselors that I know, and the willingness to dive in and do the work to help people. This is my way to give back. It may be a total failure, but it also could be the start of something fantastic and much needed. I no longer fear the grief, but will embrace the path of healing. And sometimes it is as simple as asking, “how are you doing?” and truly mean it. I can do this because I have this feeling in my bones that it is what I am meant to do.

-Dee

Sometimes It’s Just the Blues….

My daughter and I just got back from an incredible vacation. The trip was supposed to be just a quick four day weekend, but turned into a five day trip. Little did I know that I needed that fifth day. Why? Because it became a day to not rush, to be free to say, we have all the time we need. Our whole weekend was like that. No rushing around trying to arrive somewhere on time, no stress trying to keep each other entertained. Simply just enjoying ourselves. The further into the weekend we got the more I relaxed and just let myself recover from a very busy first half of the year. I meditated and thought about how my year was going.

My year started with getting my heart broke and realizing that I needed more out of the relationship that I was trying so hard to save. Yet the truth is when I finally let go, I got happier. But it was not right away, in fact I continued to fight for that person for way to long. I’m tired of chasing someone, of begging for their love and attention. I’m tired of working so hard to give someone everything I want hoping that they would somehow understand that it is those things I need in a relationship. I am going to say this, I was so wrong to think that someone would even come close to guessing that. How unfair of me to even hope or think that. No that is not the way a relationship works. It is time for me to realize that. I need to fix my relationship with myself first.

So I began a journey that I am loving. Learning about myself. Who am I? I am kind, loving, and while I’m not some knockout my internal beauty is empowering. I am magic, I’ve said it a million times. All I have to do is remember that power and and love and let it shine through. The vacation helped me to tap into that. I walked around with a ton of very different people and for the first time in my life soaked in the love and acceptance of everyone. It was as if for the the first time in my life I actually feel recharged. Happy and content.

The other thing that has truly helped me during this journey is the grief group that I have been going to. I have learned so much and have decided that I will be starting my own. This is what I know I am supposed to do. One step at a time but I will make this work. This weekend has just allowed me to be who I am and realize that I don’t have to just write one book but both and still be and do what I dream of. It never had to be one or the other, I can and will write both. This helps me just walk that journey and really welcome in what I have learned. It is time to not chase a man but chase my dreams. That is where everything I need is. Chasing those dreams and letting the world see who I am. No more hiding.

The vacation has also taught me that it isn’t always heartache and sadness, nope sometimes it is just the blues and the blues never last forever, as long as you call them out. As long as you are brave enough to simply sit and face the sadness and heartache, you will eventually have to start looking for the blues but you won’t find them. Because you did the work to get through them, the work is hard as hell. It’s not fun and yes there will be tears. But I have learned that each tear, has healed me, the scar of pain is still there along with the missing of the person. But tears are what heal and being brave to face that is what makes me “the strongest person I know.” Life will be full of things that give us scars. We can try to avoid those things but life just doesn’t work that way. The scars make us beautiful. I have watched so many different documentaries lately on monks and how to be happy like them and I realized something, the monks that I find so smart and amazing have spent many years alone to find peace. They tend to stay in solitude and speak on rare occasions. I always ask the same question at the end of the show. How? How can they actually know these things if they stay alone all the time? It’s like they know the answers, but they may not know or understand the questions fully if they have no experience of the life. I have no answer for those questions. Maybe they just are not talking about those experiences. Maybe they prefer to keep those wounds to themselves. I just don’t think that was why I am created. Not to hide and protect myself from those experiences but to fully have the experience of humanity. After all, what is the sense of being a well with water if no one knows you have water?

The Power of a Secret

During a recent session with my counselor we started to discuss something that has become very powerful for me. There was a time after my husband passed that I was seeing a much younger man. This was my first experience with toxic narcissism. The first time I truly fell for someone who controlled everything. I respected his request to keep our relationship secret believing that we were just keeping our names out of the small town rumor mill. This made sense to me in a way but after a while, I started to think, this man doesn’t want a relationship with me. He just wanted the sex. Not that two grown consenting adults couldn’t do that, I just wanted more. The more I tried to get closer to him the more he would push me away. I realized that this was not the kind of relationship I wanted. It killed me to be someone’s secret. It brought up the childhood trauma of never being good enough for someone. So I ended it, it killed me to do so, but it was truly the best decision I ever made. As much as it hurt. But I want to bring something to your attention, I want to tell you about how I felt in the beginning. I felt powerful, sexy and alive.

A Superhero’s Secret Identity

As my therapists and I discussed this very old and toxic relationship, I stumbled upon something. We were discussing how I felt at the beginning of that relationship. I felt powerful. I had this what I believed to be the most amazing young man in my life, and the sex was like it was in some of the most romantic movies you have ever seen. (if you watch those things) I felt special and wanted and down right like a goddess. This mindset was incredible. I dressed different, I walked different, I became this confident woman. I found myself walking by other women and would see them whisper to their girlfriends. It didn’t matter to me, because they didn’t know. No one did, (of course people knew! I live in a small town, even the local cop, who is a woman and a friend, would see my car parked at his house late at night. That just screams booty call!) or at least that is what I told myself. And honestly if people did know I didn’t care, I was a single woman and he was a single man and we were happy. I was still a mom, a widow, and yes an older woman. But at night when I was with him, I was this alter ego and I loved every single second of it.

I wonder if this feeling that I had, that I’ve never had again, is what married people have when they have affairs. Or the feeling someone who is a secret addict has. Holy hell no wonder people do those things. It made life exciting and it made me feel alive. I am not trying to defend why people do those things, I’m just saying that the powerful feeling that comes with those actions can make one feel like a whole new person. If you do not like who you are it is one way to reinvent yourself. Please believe me I am not saying this is the right thing to do. No in fact it is the very way to lose everything you have. What I am saying is it could very well be the power of that secret that changed you.

Photo by Ronu00ea Ferreira on Pexels.com

Superhero or Villain?

As my therapist and I talked I began to wonder, can this superpower this amazing feeling be used for good? Or does it only feel good because you think you are getting away with something? Is that feeling one of a true Superhero or is it really a Villain that you are becoming? After all if the secret will eventually lead to someone getting hurt, then it is quite possible that you are indeed the Villain. Maybe not from your point of view, but to those around you, your spouse, children, and outside family members, you are indeed the villain. You don’t mean to hurt them, in fact you were probably the one hurting and just needed to feel good again. The reason doesn’t matter, villain is the title that gets handed to you.

As my therapist talked I began to wonder if there was a time when the feeling of being that Superhero and holding a secret didn’t involve hurting someone. Here is what I came up with. Fortunately there are times, you just have to be very aware of them and learn how to harness the power you get from those times. Let me list a few for you. Christmas, a surprise birthday, a surprise visit, a surprise anniversary party. Do you see the correlation? These things are still secrets. These secrets are fun to carry around to talk to others about that you can trust to keep that secret. They build suspense and excitement. The only difference with these secrets, is it is less likely to end up with someone getting hurt. We can create the same kind of feeling that I got from the toxic relationship, by focusing on good healthy things. Surprising someone you love does this. Let me explain.

Photo by Jasmin Wedding Photography on Pexels.com

Putting the Theory to Practice

After the toxic relationship was over, I spent time alone. When I did date again months later I wanted to see if I could recreate that very romantic very wild very exciting life again. Well the man that I was with had no idea. I decided to take him camping something we both love to do. Be out in nature and soak in the energy from being disconnected from everyone. I didn’t tell him what we were doing, I just told him to pack a bag for a couple of nights and to make sure that he had something warm to sleep in. When I pulled up to pick him up he lit up like a kid. Which in turn lit me up, that excitement that I was chasing was right there. That same feeling of this was going to be amazing carried us through the weekend and even during the next week and months after we talk about that one weekend being just one of our favorite memories we share. No we didn’t work out and the relationship recently fell completely apart. But I know why, because there was no secrets to share. So you see it does work for good. You just have to decide who you want to be. A Superhero or a Villain.

From now on, though, I know what I need and want out of a relationship. I want that feeling. The feeling of the secret of knowing what’s in the box before it is opened on Christmas morning. I want to learn how to create that same kind of power from a good secret that I got from what eventually was a toxic one. The answer was simple it all came down to mindset. When that toxic relationship started the secret was powerful, but in the end the secret became crushing and hurt. But if my mindset was the same in a healthy relationship, I could indeed harness that same ego boosting feeling. It’s all about the perspective that we have. What I believed was good was toxic and what I felt had become boring and dull just needed a secret to make it feel exciting again. That is the power of a secret. It is up to you to decide how to create that power and mindset.

-Dee

Empowering Widowhood: Unveiling the Path to Healing and Community Support

The past six months have been hard. The five year anniversary of my husband’s passing and the one year passing of his mom have really just kicked me in the butt this year. Then there is the split between my finance and me. Just another thing in life that didn’t work out. I am left with wondering just exactly what I am left with. I listen to this amazing podcast that has helped but honestly my mindset is just gross here lately. In that podcast it was suggested to look for hearts. Naturally occurring hearts. I couldn’t even bring myself to do that. I feel like such a robot. Go to work, go home and then go to bed. The time I spend outside does help but inside my own head, it is not a great place to be. I blame myself for the failure of the relationship. Though I know it is not true. I know that I did nothing wrong except ask for him to get clean.

I understand now why he didn’t even want a relationship. He indeed was a mess and he knew it would hurt us both in the end. I wanted to believe that if I just showed him enough love and give him everything he wanted, it would be enough. Addiction does not work that way. It truly is a beast and maybe because I have already had to fight one battle, I just don’t have the strength to fight another. So I let him down. I made him move out and while I show support, I don’t know that it is the kind of support he needs. The sad thing is I need him more than he needs me, and as a woman I don’t want to need anyone. Just like I know the failure of the relationship isn’t just my fault, I also know that I really do not need anyone. I have raised a family alone, I have taken care of a home, of cars and bills and myself for years. I think that statement though is the clue to how I am feeling right now. I am tired of being and doing alone.

My amazing family continues to remind me that I am in fact alone. But there is a difference between being with someone because you want to verses because you have to. I don’t want pity from people, I just want a friend. Someone who calls and checks on me, or who texts me just to make sure I am okay. Of course I would always reply “I’m great!” Hello, independent woman here! I am just in a very weird place. I often have thought that maybe I’m just as big of a mess that my ex is. I go to therapy, and yet I have no idea if I am improving or if I am just in a constant state of avoiding the real topics. The real hurt, and the constant feeling of never being good enough for anyone. Sure the podcasts say do this or do that and you will feel better. All I know is I have to do something, because I no longer want to be in this headspace. I want to feel good about myself. I see the mirror, I see the old age, the tired and stress that wears on me. I see someone who is filled with sorrow and wonders why no one else sees it. Why isn’t anyone saying, I’m sorry you are hurting.

Of course I know why because of that damn independent woman. Who doesn’t want to ask for help, because she doesn’t believe anyone actually wants to help. Are there people out there who see this? Where are the Christians? I thought they were to take care of the widows? Let me tell you what, they don’t. They don’t even call or stop by. They cross the street and turn their heads. This is my biggest sorrow, because believe it or not, I do the exact same thing. And maybe that is where my answer lies. I have often thought about starting a grief group for women. But I don’t even know where to start. I would also love to do a podcast on grief. A real one, not one that where people continue to sit in sorrow but learn how to climb out of the trench and move forward. One where we learn how to deal with being alone after years of not being alone. This is no easy feat my dears. But there has to be some help somewhere right?

-Dee

I Was Just Me…..

Great Salt Plains Crystal Dig

I don’t even know where to start this, but I wanted to do a follow up on Friday’s post. So I will start with Friday night. Friday night was beautiful. A clear sky and a cool breeze. I set my camera up for the first time to take pictures of the Milky Way. My back yard is pretty dark and I can see the Milky Way, though it is not the best viewing of it. I did try. I watched many videos on how to take night photos and then got to work. Wow this is not an easy feat. Especially if you are just an amateur photographer. I had to learn how to set my camera up and then fight the tripod and then take almost 200 shots and all but a few were blurry. I was so determined to figure this out. Finally at almost eleven o’clock, I got a good picture. Then another, and the next thing I know it is very late and though I didn’t want to throw in the towel It was time to pack it in. After reviewing the photos, I was excited. Most were blurry but I had finally understood what each setting did on my camera and how to adjust it the way I wanted it. Does it mean that I got that beautiful shot? No but I am a lot closer than I thought I would be, and I am just all that more determined to capture our beautiful universe.

My back yard photo of the Milky Way.

Saturday

Saturday came and I was full of nervous excited energy. I had that scattered brain feeling. I had a whole list of things to do but also just didn’t know where to start. This is I believe a part of maybe ADHD. So many people say that have that any more that I am not sure I actually do, but I do have moments of needing to remind myself that I was in the middle of something after walking into a different room and seeing that something needed done there. I feel like I have beat that problem because when I catch myself doing that I just stop what I am doing and go right back to where I started. Back to my point. (See I’m doing it here!)

Needless to say the cleaning helped me work out the nerves and boosted my mood and gave me self confidence. Once it was finally time to get ready, I just kept it simple. Nothing fancy or elaborate. Just simply me.

The time went by so quickly, we were both excited to get some pictures and while I struggled with my camera, totally forgot I had all my settings on manual focus, I finally got it right. And just as I thought she had an amazing camera set up. A telescope lens and all, and because this woman is so talented and kind I just didn’t feel like I had to have that stuff too. I was good with what I had. What she did do was inspire me! No I will not be as good as her but I just didn’t have to be. What I do have to be is brave like her and be willing to get out there and take pictures! That is all I have to do!

By the time we got to the salt flats there was a ton of people there!! An amazing turnout! Though we did get there a little later than we planned. So setting up our cameras was not easy but I had watched those videos so I didn’t let it bother me. I just felt relaxed and I was myself. The visit was really good. And I enjoyed every second of it. But the stars out there where you can truly see them was so amazing. The universe just feels so beautiful out there. While we did have to wait for clouds to pass, once they cleared the wait was worth it. We didn’t stay too late as she had a drive to get home, but the drive and the visit was good.

In the End

Sunset from Great Salt Plains nature preserve.

The big question is this, will I step out of my comfort zone again? Yes I believe I will. I know this for one simple reason, as we drove home we talked about letting fear steal our joy. Oh this is something that I have battled for many years. The fear of travel and something terrible happening while out on an adventure. We talked about how can we learn to let that fear go and just enjoy and be in the moment. I told her I finally just had to force myself to do it. Much like the ADHD thing. I had to tell myself to stop worrying and just enjoy. Yes it is easier said than done, but it can be done. What truly is amazing was I was simply myself. I didn’t think about the past, and who I was way back in school, I am not that person, and neither is she. We are complexed and unique individuals and she is so humble! I am telling you she is extremely talented and kind and I was very blessed to spend the evening with her. So in the end I am realizing the value of letting go and once again just found myself amazed by another human soul that God created.

-Dee

The Next Chapter

The beauty of this Chapter is simple. I have found myself again. The work that has gone into where I am was like crawling on my hands and knees up a mountain. I know I am no where near the top, but I am much higher than where I started. Standing on my own two feet seemed so daunting. I thought I needed a partner, someone to carry the troubles of this world with me. I have learned standing on my own isn’t as hard as I thought. Yes being married for 21 years and knowing you had someone who had your back was a blessing. Yet knowing that I can do life alone has brought this feeling of being powerful and in control of my own destiny.

So this chapter is all about being alone. Learning to accept me for who I am. Learning how to embrace living on my own, not having a person to come home and take care of. It has taken me months to adjust, to learn how to fight that anxiety of not focusing my attention on someone else. It has turned into me learning how to take care of me. It was so shocking to realize that I didn’t find myself worthy of that attention. Instead I wanted that love and attention to come from a man. When the reality is it has to come from me first. That was the hardest lesson learned yet, a lesson that is still in progress. Learning how to sit alone with my thoughts even though it feels so uncomfortable. It’s odd really to have the opposite problem of others. I love meditation, turning off thoughts and just breathing, yet that is not facing and healing the wounds that I need to. If I do not heal those wounds, I will forever be stuck in a place I don’t want to be. I want to grow, to learn to be authentically myself.

THE POWER OF SELFCARE……..

Self care was not what I thought it would be. I thought it was things like hygiene, getting your nails done, or buying yourself nice things. It isn’t that at all. Self care starts within. It is looking at ones self and accepting the good, the bad, and the ugly, and still loving who you are. That is self care. It’s going to therapy and not complaining about others but finding out why you react the way you do and if it seems extreme finding out why that is the reaction and just maybe fixing it. It is first connecting to yourself on a deeper level so that you can connect to others that way.

So this chapter is one I am ready to write, in my real voice, with my authentic self and feelings. Time to truly work on self love, and acceptance of my own inner beauty, because if I don’t believe and see it, then no one else will. One night while battling insomnia I came across this beautiful documentary about yoga. It was the story of how a famous photographer had surgery and woke up to the loss of the use of his hand. He was told that he would never use it again. He started the journey of learning about self healing and that lead him to yoga. He not only healed his hand, he began a multi year project taking some of the most breathtaking pictures of the many different practices of yoga. This one documentary has changed my life. It really is where my journey begins, at the end of his. It started my practice of yoga and meditation but also it has influenced my writing. I want my writing to connect to souls, to show that if we truly let go and let God, we can connect to our true beings in a much more meaningful way.

STEP ONE…GET OUT OF COMFORT ZONE

This is my first and biggest challenge. This weekend I am doing exactly that. There is this amazing event on Saturday that I am going to, and I have invited someone I hardly know to go along with me. She is someone I went to school with, someone I was not friends with. We will be going to a local state park to learn to take pictures of our beautiful night sky. I am nervous and excited, and all I have to remember is to be my authentic self. I also have to remember that I know nothing about taking night photos and most likely her camera will be much better than mine and in the end none of that matters. Because I am not in competition with her, I’m simply there to learn a new skill and be in the moment. Ever since I read about this event I feel connected to it. As if something really special is going to happen. Even if I don’t take the worlds most breathtaking photos, I just have a feeling it is going to be amazing. The old me would think that if it is going to be such an incredible event I would want people who I know and deeply love there. The truth is I am tired of the same old, my soul longs for new and to continue to grow. My soul doesn’t yearn for acceptance it longs for learning from others to deepen my understanding of humans. I believe that if we understand human souls then we can understand more about ourselves.

Year Five

It is so hard to believe that this year will mark five years since my life changed. It was a change that I didn’t know was coming. It was not easy, if you read my past blogs you will see that they reflect that long journey out of the trench that life threw me in. From losing my husband to finding myself. It has been a road of figuring out just exactly what God’s plan for my life was. I learned to be more self confident, I had to be more gentle with my own inter-talk. I am always kind to others, I had to learn to be kind to myself too. I had to learn that I am so much more stronger than I thought and once I tapped into the strength that God sent me, I have become a force.

I have also come to the conclusion that God has big plans for me. I just had to stop being so mad at him for taking my life and giving it a 90 degree turn. I was not ready for it, yet after closing my eyes and just holding on and letting go, God has seen me through. I look forward to this year, for last was such a hard one. Losing my mother-in-law was much like losing her son. She was a best friend, an advisor, and a cheerleader. I am a better person for loving her and knowing her and her son. I do my best to make her proud. I think she watches over me and is with me often. I find myself talking to her more than I talk to her son. He is one that I still struggle to speak to, if I try I just end up in a huge blubbery mess. He is not going to understand a single word though I am certain he knows my heart. He also knows that we speak of him often and celebrate him and his life. I also know that together they know, my heart. There is just no way of ever being ready to lose those we love so dearly. But when we lean on God, he does help us through.

This new year, will mark an amazing one I believe. I will finish my third book and hopefully maybe even the fourth. I seen a famous person talking the other day, I can’t say whom because I don’t have permission to say, but that person made a huge impact on me. The person talked about what our gift from God was, it was the one thing that we as an individual can do so easily without thinking about it. The person talked about having a passion knowing from a young age just exactly what they wanted to do. That person has done what they set out to do. Even though that journey was filled with the hardest obstacles that anyone could face. Don’t give up on God. Don’t let others take away from you what God has planned for you. The person said “If you woke up today, it’s because God hasn’t given you all that he has planned for you. Get up follow that passion and go out and work, and put the effort in so that God sees that you are ready for what he has planned for you.”

My passion has only ever been one thing, writing, story telling, teaching. All of these things are tied together. For me some of the best books in history tell amazing stories with Characters that we fall in love with, and a life lesson hidden deep in the lines that only jumps out at you at the very end. Even books with sad endings that leave tear stains on the fragile pages, they still teach a lesson. The books that we tend to remember so well are the ones that have a direct impact on how we see life or how we feel about something.

My life long dream was to write a book that changed someone’s life. That helped them out of darkness and into a place where they could wake up and be thankful for another day that they get to do what they are passionate about. If they are not doing it now then hopefully they wake up with the renewed spirit to continue to reach for what they are passionate for.

Passion drives this country. Without it we wouldn’t have the beautiful works of art that we have, or the modern medicine that now helps cure things we never thought possible. Think of the all the technology that is now at our fingertips, that wouldn’t be possible if someone didn’t wake up and pursue their passion and chase after what God had intended for them. I want all the good things that God intended for me. Even if it isn’t much more than what I already have.

Yes, five years ago our lives took that 90 degree turn, but even in the hardship I have to say that I am thankful to God for getting us through. Though we are heartbroken we are indeed blessed, and we are still here to chase after God and all the good he has intended for us.

I pray that this year if you do not know your passion that you too start the journey of finding it. Do a million little things you’ve never thought you would do, maybe something will click. Or maybe you just build up the courage to finally do the one thing you know in your heart you were made to do. That has been my biggest achievement the past year, learning how to have courage. I may still fight fear many days but I’m doing life afraid and learning that courage is right there where I didn’t know I had it.

One Day At A Time

Not long ago I did something I never thought I would do. I started out at a new job, no this is nothing new, everyone does it. But not everyone says I’m leaving a good job and I’m taking another to get where I want to be. Around here you are lucky to find a job that pays well enough for you to drive to it. I live in a small community, and I know what you are thinking. Just move to the bigger city. I am not a city person. I am a nice quiet street with hardly any neighbors to bother you kind of person. I have that where I am, so I stay. It is a good community and an amazing school system. We stay.

Anyways, I did drive to an amazing job that I loved. The people were kind and knew their jobs well. Even better than that they knew how to do work at work and leave home at home. Yes, there were times when we talked about kids or husbands and life, but for the most part we talked about work. Then worked hard. I enjoyed the job even though it wasn’t really all that challenging, what it did do was show me how to run a large payroll system and I learned the capabilities of what they can do. Then life hits as always trouble is around the bend. My personal life went south and I needed some time away so my son and I joined an old friend and her son and off to Branson for a weekend. It is what I needed. I talked about work and how much I have learned and what amazing things these newer systems can do.

That is when my friend offered me a position at her office. A place I had worked before, it was hard to leave that place but I had to. I was so distracted by life and drowning in work that I just could not focus on anything. Grief does that, it distracts you even when you think you are doing good, for a while it is just always right in your face. The job I had was way too much and not focusing meant things got behind and I needed to breathe. So I left.

Yet here she was offering a dream position. HR Administrator. A position I would have to work years for and then hope that I would stumble on an opening. As those are few and far between. Then she dropped the bomb on the pay and I knew I was in. I didn’t have to drive anymore and I would no longer have to miss anything like ballgames and programs my son would be in. It’s just a few short more years and he will be out of school and I will miss these busy years. So being close to home is worth so much more in these last few years of motherhood that I have left. I mean I will always be a mom, but there is a big difference between a school mom and an empty nest mom.

Needless to say, I took the job and have been there almost two months. It has flown by. My weeks have been nothing but a blur. Suddenly we are making changes to policies and looking at adding some features that I believe will add value to our systems. Systems that have not changed since I left. Which in a way is kind of sad, that place is always moving and growing and it’s systems should be growing with it. Not only that but so should the people, they should feel as if they are being invested in that they are part of a bigger team and our projects are a big part of success for the team. I am working on building a new culture for the company. One of teamwork and our success is their success as well. Being known for a safe work environment is something we need to stress to our guys and an incentive program will really help us on this.

There are a lot of things the owners are implementing are really exciting. I get to be a part of that. It has been eye opening how much of a step back really helped move me forward. I have lived most of my life with people who said “you’re not ready yet.” I have always been the kind of person who set out to do what others said I couldn’t. Yet for the first time in my life I was the one who decided to step back. It paid off and I am thankful for the things I learned while I did. I learned how to be a good leader and how to keep work and home separate. Those things have been so valuable and now I get to work on other things that excite me. While making the money I know I am worth.

So knowing when to pull away even when we are scared to do it was such a valuable thing to me. I learned how to make changes even when I was so scared to make them. I am excited to be home, to no longer be afraid to use my voice and push ideas even if they are turned down. What I have learned is at work it is work and it is either good for the business or it is not, it is nothing personal it indeed is business. Yet when you bring a good idea and it is followed through that causes such a great deal of pride. Something most people work years for and never feel that they get. That will be my job, learning how to make the little guy know that his position no matter how small is just as important as all the other positions out there. This one goal makes me so excited to go to work, and it keeps me motivated to learn and improve as much as possible.

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and New Year and I look forward to writing more and more as I am working on how to balance work and home and having more time to do so!